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presentperfect

Joined September 2011
430 followers

Writer, EQD pre-reader, RCL co-curator, fic reader, reviewer. (List of stories reviewed.)

Stories (36)

  • Dinky's First Kill
    Like every little filly, Dinky loves everypony and everything... except spiders.

    3,649 words · 5,497 views · 484 likes · 6 dislikes
  • Dance 'Til We're High
    Twilight looks for love at the Winter's Eve Ball. What she finds is like nothing she expected.
    12,494 words · 10,118 views · 738 likes · 16 dislikes
  • The Sun Shines Brightest at Night
    Nightmare Moon's defeat meant more to Equestria than just the return of the sun and their Princess. Witness the conclusion of a story one thousand years in the making, through the eyes of a Hoofington nurse.
    6,108 words · 768 views · 81 likes · 0 dislikes
  • Whisk
    A colt and his fathers move to Ponyville to start a new life.
    13,364 words · 1,559 views · 100 likes · 1 dislikes
  • A Lovely Apology
    6,802 words · 1,445 views · 122 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Epic Unicorn History: The Beards of Harmony
    23,788 words · 1,828 views · 203 likes · 6 dislikes
  • ACT OF WILL
    3,001 words · 2,796 views · 134 likes · 3 dislikes
  • The Elements of Awesomery
    29,820 words · 3,116 views · 159 likes · 5 dislikes
  • Treehouse
    1,988 words · 1,064 views · 94 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Civil Twilight
    3,699 words · 1,627 views · 143 likes · 7 dislikes

Blog Posts (456)

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The Adventures of Wondercloud and Sugar Rush

by PartyPartyParty99

It was a bright and sunnytimes day in Pony City, and life was slowly returning to normal after the big evil attack from the evil aliens from the evil planet of Badhorsia, which happened in the last story, which you should read if you haven't already, because you need to know what happened and recaps are dumb and annoying.

Everypony was busy putting their homes back together.  A huge frickin' crane in the downtown area was pulling skyscrapers up off the street because there were totally skyscrapers in downtown Pony City even though I forgot to mention them last time.  It is a city, after all!

Meanwhile, in the neighborhood where Wondercloud Lightningbolt and all her friends lived (except Midnight Twinkle; she lived in the cemetery because she's a goth), they were putting their homes back together the old fashioned way, with wood from the Everlame Forest.  The pony carpenters and lumberjacks had been busy busy busy all week cutting down lots and lots of trees from the forest, because A) having less lame stuff in the world is good, and B) seriously, fuck that place.

So to actually get to the story now, we pick up with Johnniepear and her older brother Bawsc being badasses.  Johnnie was seated next to a huge pile of logs, which she picked up two at a time, one in each hoof, and tossed at her brother.  Bawsc, who was reeeeeeally big and strong and dark red and had a cutie pahootie that was a picture of himself wearing sweet shades and holding up a pear in one hoof, would flip up and roundhouse kick the big boards.  Then, one of two things would happen.  Either the board would be kicked right to where it needed to be, upsetting the bucket of nails which then flew up in the air and nailed themselves right into the board, securing it in place, or else the board would break into the right sized pieces and then all that other stuff would happen.  They could kick a house together in about ten minutes.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" cried a cream-colored earth pony with gothy black mane with blue and purple streaks, who was wearing black mourning garb and had a cutie thinger that looked like two interlocked wedding rings with plus signs hanging off the bottom.  Her name was Mai Waifu.  "Pear Family, you're the best!"

Johnnie and Bawsc leapt into the air at each other, meeting over the top of the house, where they did an epic brohoof into a pile of rocks that exploded and stacked itself up neatly into a chimney.  Then they posed on the roof.  It was really badass.

"Y'all're rightly welcome, Ah reckon!"

"Like a BAWSC!" (That was Bawsc's catch phrase and pretty much all he ever said.)  (Also, she wouldn't admit it if you asked her, but Johnnie secretly looked up to her big brother a lot and believed she got all her cool badassery from him.)

Unfortunately, there was a flock of birds flying overhead at that moment, and they got caught in the Badassery Wave that emanated from the epic bro-chimneying.  They all exploded, raining guts, feathers and tons and tons of bird poop down on Johnnie and Bawsc.  Johnniepear shook her hoofsie at the sky.

"You horseshit goddamn birds!" she yelled loudly.  One last bird, who had been all the way in front of the flock and thus just barely missed by the Badassery Wave, finally succumbed to the unstoppable badass that was Johnniepear, exploding and landing a tiny plop of poo right on her hat.  She grumbled and got down off the roof.

"But oh, oh, oh!" sobbed Mai Waifu into her hoofkerchief, ignorant of all the badassing and poopery happening above her head, "if only you knew where my poor husband was!  His name is Strum McAwesomeposture!  I haven't seen him since before the aliens attacked our town!  I'm ever so lonely and bereft without him!"

Johnnie and Bawsc looked at each other and shrugged.

"Ah reckon we'll keep a peeper open for 'im," Johnnie said with her funnytalk, "but I ain't rightly seen 'im none, now, gol durn dangit."

Meanwhile, across the street, Wondercloud and Sugar Rush were busy putting up the same house they'd been working on all day.  It was Sugar Rush's house, and she was being kind of random in how she decided it should look.

"We need more frosting over here!" She zipped around from place to place inside the house frame while Wondercloud lugged a single, small board of wood overhead.  "Ooh, and this part should look like a haunted factory!  And this is where the koi pond will be!"

Wondercloud kind of wasn't paying attention to her fillyfriend, though.  She was distracted by watching Johnnie and Bawsc be awesome.

"Man," she grumped to herself, "I may be awesomer than Johnniepear, but not by much.  And it doesn't help that she's so strong.  This sucks!"  She plopped the board she was carrying down onto a bucket of nails.  She was at least awesome enough that that auto-nailing trick worked, but it didn't do anything to cheer her out of her funk.

"Hey, Cloudie, don't be such a saddypants!" exclaimed Sugar Rush exclamatorily.  "Why don't we take a break and get something to eat?  I bet I left a sandwich around here somewhere!"

She turned as there was a huge BOOM! and the sound of a house exploding.

"Oh no," she cried, "it's Badhorsia!  They've come back!" She lifted up a piece of flooring and scooted underneath it, turning into a pony-sized lump in the floor.

Wondercloud rolled her eyeballs.  "No, Sugar, it's just Captain Carrotbeard acting up again."

Sugar Rush peeped out as Wondercloud pointed to a house on the other end of the area.  It was shaped like a pirate ship, complete with a big cannon that was still smoking because it had just fired a large cannonball.  Seriously, what did you think that BOOM! was?  That very same cannonball had arced gracefully through the air to come to a stop on a house that had once been covered in flowers and pagodas and throwing stars, but was now just a pile of rubble with three very angry ninjas in it because the cannonball had really more gone through the house instead of resting gently upon it.

One of the Ninjas wore a green ninja suit and carried nunchucks.  Her name was Foxglove.  The second had a rose-colored ninja suit and used sais; she was Thorn.  Last was a ninja in a yellow suit, named Pistil, and she dual-wielded wicked sicknasty Colt .45s that were modded to hell and back so they were really long and had big magazines and were covered in insignias and kill counts and stuff.  They all used throwing stars and kunais and ninja-y stuff like that, but come on, a ninja with massive revolvers, how cool is that?  Also, the only reason anypony could see them is because the ninjas allowed them to.

Anyway, they were all glaring across the street at Captain Carrotbeard, while she slapped her flank with her hook and waggled her carrot-shaped beard at them.  "Yarr-harr-harr!" she laughed, and disappeared into the hold of her houseship.

This was a fairly regular occurrence in Pony City.

The Flower Ninjas (that's what they were called) looked at each other, sending mystic ninja-vibes between themselves instead of talking, and nodded before vanishing and reappearing over by Johnniepear and Bawsc.

"Oh Johnniepear-san-chan-kun-sama-hime," said Foxglove with a ninja accent, which is like a regular accent except you can't hear it because it's ninjas, "our house was just destroyed by cannon fire from our arch-nemesis, Captain Carrotbeard."

"Shoot an' shucks in the willikers, I reckon," Johnnie said, scratching under her hat.

"This happens all the time!" cried Pistil.  "Could you maybe get her to knock it off, at least while we rebuild from the alien attack?"

"And could you maybe give us a hoof?" Thorn added askily.

Johnnie looked at Bawsc, who nodded at her.

"Sho' nuff we can, or mah name ain't Johnquilinda 'The Walkabout' LePear!" Johnnie said.  "Ah'll go give Carrotbeard a right-up talkin'-down to, and Bawsc'll give you gals a leg or three fixin' your shack-dig."

The ninjas prostrated themselves before Johnnie (and that means they bowed really low, and not anything having to do with what's up a colt's hiney, I had to look that up) and exclaimed, "Thank you, Johnnie-bo-Bohnnie!  We will be eternally in your debt!"

As the group broke up to go do their respective what-they-said-they'd-do's, Wondercloud harrumphed and pouted and crossed her hooves over her chest very grumpily.

"That sucks!" she moaned with a huff-po.  "I'm the one who saved Ponylandia from aliens, but they go to Johnnie for help!  What's the deal with that?"

"Maybe you don't have any name recognition," said Midnight Twinkle, who was totally there and gothy as usual.

"Name recognition?" Wondercloud tilted her head, looking at her friend who kind of wasn't really her friend but hung around anyway.

"It's like with fashion brands!" whined Fashionface, who was also there and now talking about the only thing she knew anything about.  "The one with the highest advertising budget is most well known and so everypony goes to that one first!" She could talk about fashion without whining.  It was a gift.

Their buttery-yellow pegasus friend Whisperlite was also there, but she didn't say anything because ladybugs.

"Well," wondered Wondercloud wonderfully, "how do I get some name recognition, then?  I mean, ponies ought to know about us, and me especially, since we saved their butts and everything, right?"

All the ponies assembled nodded.  "Cloudie, I have an idea," Sugar Rush began, but she was interrupted as two streaks of flying pegasudes (this is the proper plural of pegasus, by the way, not pegasi; it's all Latiny and Greeky and stuff and hard to explain) as they came in for a landing.  Wondercloud's eyes got really wide as she recognized them.

The first one was a light blue stallion in a slightly darker blue flight suit with lightning bolts all over it, and even slightly-more-darker-than-that mane that was kind of crazy and mussed up like he'd just woken up or something.  He looked like he had coffee in his veins instead of blood, because when he twitched he sort of moved too fast for the eye to see.  He'd jitter a little bit and then suddenly be over at the edge of your vision, and he did this a lot, just popping back and forth randomly, while muttering things like, "Pies, cakes, pies, pies," under his breath.  His name was Pie in the Sky and he was drooling slightly.

The second was a bright yellow mare clad in tight, tight, tight black leather assless chaps and a black leather flight jacket with a logo on the back: a letter A made out of skulls and lightning bolts and fire.  She was wearing flight goggles and smoking a cigarette coolly.  There on her butt was a picture of a pair of lips that were getting ready to make a kiss but they were on fire.  Her name was Hotflank and she was the leader of the Awesomebolts.  Pie in the Sky was also an Awesomebolt, in case you didn't realize it, and actually he was the only other one.

Wondercloud made a little squealing noise and did a small loop in midair.

"Oh my giddy aunt, you're Hotflank and Pie in the Sky!  You're the Awesomebolts, the coolest ponies in all of Ponylandia!"

Sugar Rush thought that was weird for her to say.  After all, wasn't Wondercloud the coolest pony in all of Ponylandia?

Hotflank nodded and bit her cigarette, which put it out.  She spit it into the street.  "Yup.  The Princesses told us about the devastation here, so we came to help out.  Where's the fire at, sexy britches, or is it just me?" She laughed, and all the ponies just kind of looked at each other and shrugged because they didn't get the joke.

"Wow, this is so awesome!" Wondercloud flew over to Pie in the Sky, who was busy watching a butterfly from every conceivable angle as it meandered through the air.  "Is there any chance I could join you guys while you're here?  It'd be a dream come true!"

Pie in the Sky ate the butterfly.

Hotflank went, "Pffft!" and looked at Wondercloud.  "And just who d'you think you are, kid?"

Wondercloud opened her mouth, but Sugar Rush interrupted her.

"She's Wondercloud Lightningbolt, and she's the coolest pony in Ponylandia!" she said crossly.  Her eyebrows got all big and bushy and frowny.  "She saved everypony from aliens, you should know who she is!"

Hotflank, who was now chewing on a toothpick, gave Wondercloud a once-over.  "Never heard of ya," she said out of the corner of her mouth, and spit her toothpick at Sugar Rush, who ducked it.  It stuck into a board in the side of her house, standing straight out.

"Anyway," Hotflank continued continuously, "we're gonna go find the Mayor.  If you want an autograph or something later, maybe we'll do that." And the Awesomebolts walked away from them, Hotflank's flanks swaying and drawing all their attention and some of their drool, while Pie in the Sky just kind of blipped from place to place behind her.

When they were gone, Wondercloud gave a dejected sigh.  "Great.  Not even the Awesomebolts know who I am."

"Pish-posh and pshaw!" declared Sugar Rush.  "You don't have to be a Mopey McMoperson!  Err, McMopony!  All you have to do is do something to impress them and they'll let you join for sure!"

"And if you joined the Awesomebolts, you'd get that name recognition you need!" added Fashionface.

"This actually sounds like a viable plan, assuming you can actually impress them," Midnight Twinkle grumble.

Whisperlite didn't say anything, but then she'd also gone sort of transparent since her last scene, and if they'd looked for her, they would have had a hard time seeing her.

"Of course I can impress them!" Wondercloud said, thumping her chest with a hoof.  There was a hollow rumble like distant thunder and she farted a tiny lightning bolt.  "Just you wait, I'll show them!  I'll show them all!  I'll be the coolest pony in Ponylandia and a member of the Awesomebolts!"


"There's one thing I don't get: how can the Awesomebolts be the coolest ponies in Ponylandia if Wondercloud is the coolest pony already?" questioned Sugar Rush with questions.

"It's a matter of terminology," stated Midnight Twinkle plainly.  They were sitting on a hill overlooking Pony City while Wondercloud warmed up, twirling and making awesome spirals and patterns in the air with her sweet rainbow contrail that sometimes had lightning bolts in it.

Midnight continued, "Wondercloud is the coolest pony, singular, while the Awesomebolts are the coolest ponies, plural.  Though if you ask me, it's all fairly ridicu-"

"Ohhhhhhh!" Sugar ohhed.  "That actually makes sense now!  So even if each of them is just a little less cool than Cloudie, when combined as a team they outclass her!"

"Exactly!" smirked Midnight, feeling ever so slightly proud for having explained it so well.  "Just how we, as the Elements of Awesomery, as a team, are way more powerful and awesome than we are by ourselves.  We could easily outdo the Awesomebolts, for example, if we cared to."

Wondercloud came in for a landing at that moment and snorted.  "Speak for yourself, Twinkle-toes," she said, pointing behind her.  In the air behind her was a slowly-fading rainbow that was twisted into a soft pretzel, complete with electric sparks for salt.  "I know why Sugar's here, but why are you here, anyway?"

The purple unicorn snorted back.  "Because I want to see this with my own eyes.  Besides, I just got here and don't own a house to have had burnt down, since I live in the cemetery and all."

Wondercloud shrugged.  "Anyway, I'm all set.  Now to find those Awesomebolts!"

They wandered back into town, past various ponies still putting their houses back together.  It didn't take long to track down the Awesomebolts.  Their twin fiery contrails streaked through downtown Pony City, as they helped shore up skyscrapers and clean up debris, as well as ferrying ponies back and forth between work sites and occasionally posing for ponyrazzi photos.  They looked really awesome while doing it, at any rate.

Wondercloud cracked her knuckles somehow and rolled her neck, loosening up.

"All right, ladies," she said forcefully, "stand back and watch a master at work.  I'll throw up a few Raincork Screwbows, maybe an Inverted Spiral Thunderstorm, and they'll be putty in my hooves!"

Sugar Rush held up a blob of squishy yellow stuff.  "I have some non-Newtonian fluids lying around, would that work?"

Wondercloud made a :| face, shook her head, and flew off.

Midnight Twinkle gave Sugar Rush a sidelong glance.

"Dare I ask why...?"

"Sometimes," replied Sugar, a faraway look in her eye, "I'll suddenly realize that there were fluids around me that weren't there before..."

Meanwhile, Wondercloud was flying for the center of town, gauging exactly where to make her best entrance.  She didn't want to get too close to the buildings, of course, and she had to make sure that her tricks would be visible from the angle they were flying.

Finding the perfect spot, she revved up and immediately launched into a series of loops and twirls, doing barrel roll after barrel roll like she was a rabbit in a biplane.  The rainbow contrails twisted around each other, and soon she was tying them in knots and double knots and Gordian knots and Freudian knots, which don't even exist, but she was fucking doing it because holy shit this is some amazing aerial acrobatics we're talking about here.

Unfortunately, Wondercloud had miscalculated slightly.  The Awesomebolts had already moved on to the Town Hall to hobnob with Mayor Sexynickers by the time she was done, her twists and knots and pretzels and thunderstorms just littering the sky like so much litter on the ground.  Only awesomer.  And in the sky.  As she was ascertaining this circumstance, she plowed headfirst into a building.  She made squeaky noises as she slowly slid down the side of it.


In the next scene, she decided she'd have to step up her game.

"It's time for a Sonic Awesomeboom!" she said to nopony in particular, although a pony who was washing windows up high overheard her monologuing and really had no idea what she was talking about.

Wondercloud flew up really high, at least as high as a cloud, whereupon was seated a very surprised duck or something, then she started nosediving towards the planet, which seems like a really bad idea if you don't know that this is step one of achieving a Sonic Awesomeboom.  Her plan was simple: she'd fly down Main Street and hit booming velocity right in the center of town.  It was sure to attract the Awesomebolts' attention.

And thankfully, her plan went off without a hitch.  To an onlooker -- yes, I mean you, Taxi Driver Magillicuddy, I see you rubbernecking over there!  They may put up with that kind of slacking in the taxi fleets, but you're on construction pony time, mister!  Back to work! -- it appeared as though there was a big huge rainbow ribbon stretching down out of the sky along Main Street, straight for the center of town.  It almost touched ground right where Main Street crossed Pony Boulevard, at which point there was a huge boom and the word AWESOME exploded outward in rainbow colors.  Then the ribbon did a 90-degree (Fahrenheit) turn and took off up into the cerulean stratosphere again.

But hang on just a minute, what in the heck was a duck doing on a cloud anyway?  I mean, they can fly and all, but they're waterfowl!  They're not known for hanging around high in the sky.  I need to do more research next time!  Anyway, back to the story.

Unfortunately, setting off a sonic boom of any sort in the middle of town means that there are going to be no windows in about a two-mile radius when you're done.  Ponies scattered left and right, fleeing from the falling glass shards, as Wondercloud looked back with some chagrin to see what she'd done.

"Oops," was all she could think to say before she impacted the underside of a passing zeppelin.

"This is not my day at all," she groaned, and with a light popping sound, detached from the dirigible to float gently to earth.

Tragically, the Awesomebolts hadn't even been outside to see the Awesomeboom at the time.  Pie in the Sky was busy raiding some poor bakery of all their delicious baked goods, just after they'd gotten back up and running finally, while Hotflank was having an "extended meeting" with Mayor Sexynickers, which is a nice way of saying "they were totally doing it", because they were.


Wondercloud decided to give it one more try, because that's how these things go.  Unfortunately, she was out of ideas, so she just waited for the Awesomebolts to wander by and started busting some sick dance moves in their direction.  She had a boombox with her, so it was totally awesome.

Unfortunately, they kind of didn't notice her popping and locking and hopping and docking because they were too busy staring at the destruction wrought by her Sonic Awesomeboom.  Or at least Hotflank was, Pie in the Sky was too busy flitting around and asking random passersby, "Pie?  Pie?"  Not if they had any, just more or less if pie existed.  Most of them did not make eye contact.

"What the crap happened out here?" Hotflank demanded, wiping her lips with a hoof.  Wondercloud did a 720 on her forehoof, finishing impressively on her wingtips.

"I've been trying to get your guys' attention like all freaking day!" she exclaimed.  "Did you see my awesome breakdancing?"

Hotflank just stared at her.  "Wait, you did this?  All these windows were just fixed and washed and now they're all gone!  Not to mention, crap, I just realized we've been walking in glass this whole time.  What in the name of moist dragon dildos were you thinking?"

"Uhh..." Wondercloud said elocutionally, not looking directly at Hotflank.

"Look, it's nice you want to impress us and all, but we're not here for watching flashy tricks!"

"We're here for pie!" mumbled Pie in the Sky, in a brief moment of lucidity.  "Both kinds."

Hotflank rolled her eyes.  "No, we're here to rebuild.  This isn't the time for acrobatics, it's the time for putting houses back together and shit!  Princess almighty, if you want to impress us, go build a house or something!"

"Oh, I, uh," Wondercloud stammered, and then she drooped with emotional weight.  "You're right.  I shouldn't be showing off when there's important work to be done.  I'm sorry, you guys." Then she snapped her head up, and cut a butterfly in two with the whiplash.  "Well you know what?  I'll impress you that way, then!  I can totally build a house in..."

She looked back towards the area where she'd been working that morning and sagged again as the emotional baggage just piled on.  "Half a day."

"Yeah, kid, whatever.  Get back to work."  Hotflank smacked Pie in the Sky with her tail and sauntered off, hips wagging seductively.

When Wondercloud was able to tear her eyes away from those enticingly leather-clad cream buns, she slowly winged her way back to where Sugar Rush was watching with sadness and Midnight Twinkle was watching with laughter.

"I knew you couldn't do it!" Midnight Twinkle said triumphantly.

"Oh, shut up," said Sugar Rush.  "Cloudie, what're you gonna do now?"

Wondercloud sniffed, more in resolution than sadness.  "Gonna make a house, all by myself.  That's the only way I'll impress them, so that's exactly what I'm gonna do."

"Don't hurt yourself trying," Midnight snarked.  Sugar Rush punched her in the shoulder and she tumbled down the hill, yelling curses and grass all the way.


Sadly, building a house by herself was way harder than Wondercloud anticipated.  She tried kicking the boards into place like Johnniepear had, but she missed the mark most of the time, and one even rebounded off a wall and came back to smack her in the rump.  Then she tried the orbital bombardment method, carrying up a bunch of boards into the air and dropping them into place, but that didn't work with the nail bucket thing, and they kind of just clattered off of each other.  She wasn't getting anything done, and it was getting on into the afternoon.  She was running out of time.

She tried pleading with the boards, but that didn't work.

She tried gnawing on them, which only gave her mouth splinters, eww.

She tried kicking the boards that were already in place, but that just broke them and then she was making negative progress, which wasn't good at all.  It was, in fact, less than good.

Finally, she stomped her hooves in the air (because you can do that if you're a pegasus and really frustrated) and grumbled to herself.

"It's hopeless!  There's no way I can put a house together as well as Johnnie!  I should just give up on this whole stupid thing and forget about the Awesomebolts." She crossed her hooves and pouted, which was cute.

"Now hold on, apple-de-ap," said Johnniepear, suddenly appearing in the scene, "that there ain't no way no how to get goin' on buildin' a house none, Ah reckon-alutely."

"Johnnie, what're you talking about?" As a matter of fact, Wondercloud really had no idea what her friend had just said, and for the most part, never did.

"You been wastin' time all day tryin' tuh compete with me 'n mah brother, ain'tcha?"

Wondercloud looked like she'd just snuck a cookie from the cookie jar and given it to the dog.  "Yeah..."

"Well, shoot and a half, Wondercloud, why don't we just work together!" Johnnie slapped her own flank and whooped.  "Buildin'll take half as long if we stop competin'!"

It was like something electric clicked in Wondercloud's head, except if it had, she'd have shot sparks out her nose, which she wasn't doing, so it was kind of a dumb simile.  She zoomed up into the air and spun around.

"You're right, Johnnie!  Why didn't I think of it before?  We're both awesome, you and me, and if we combine our powers, we can awesome some houses together in... in less than half a dozen winks!"

Johnnie waited for Wondercloud to come back down to earth and smacked her on the back.  "Now yer thinkin'!"

"Hmm," hmmed Wondercloud, putting a hoof to her chin in thought.  "I'll have to work on that catchphrase, though.  Lickety-split?"

Johnniepear shrugged, then she said, "Hey, here come all our friends!"

Sugar Rush, Midnight Twinkle and Fashionface came over, and so did Bawsc because he'd been there the whole time.  Where's Whisperlite, you ask?  I have no idea.  Maybe she was off being cute with kittens or something, it doesn't matter.  Even if she's slacking off, whatever she's doing is completely fucking adorable because KITTENS OH MY GOD.

Wondercloud looked at each one of them in turn and smiled.  "Guys, I'm sorry, I should have asked you for help way sooner.  I may be the coolest pony in Ponylandia, but I'm not half as cool as all of us put together!  Let's awesome up some houses!"

The ponies cheered and then set about doing just that.  Working together, with their powers of awesomery, they could build a house in two minutes!  That was way faster than anypony else!  They built a house for Wondercloud, full of clouds and lightning bolts and also some columns; they built one for Whisperlite, with trees and birdhouses and stuff; and they built one for Fashionface with fashion and fashion and also some fashion in it.  Soon, they were throwing up a huge dust cloud with all of their awesome building skizzles (that means skills, lol), which attracted the attention of not just the Awesomebolts, but every pony in Pony City!

When Wondercloud and her friends took a break after their tenth really awesome and totally customized house, they saw that they were surrounded by a crowd of smiling faces, as well as the ponies to whom those faces belonged, all cheering and stomping applause for the awesome work they had all just done.

"Congratulations!" cried Mayor Sexynickers, finally having recovered from her "extended meetings" with Hotflank.  "Not only did you all save Pony City and all of Ponylandia from aliens, you're also hot tits at rebuilding homes!  Three cheers for the Elements of Awesomery!"

There were, in fact, four and a half cheers for them, but who's counting?

"Aw shucks," said Johnniepear, stepping forward, "we all couldn't-a done it if it 'tweren't for Wondercloud here now then none goldurnit shucky dang-a-dong doo!"

"She's right," said a voice from somepony they couldn't see.  The crowd parted and up stepped Hotflank and Pie in the Sky.  "You're all really awesome when you work together."

Hotflank came up to Wondercloud -- very very close to Wondercloud -- and Sugar Rush got a little jealous and overprotective, because she does that when mares be frontin' on her womans.  But she didn't say or do anything other than write Hotflank's name on her mental list, because it would have ruined the moment.

"I was wrong about you, Wondercloud," said Hotflank in a very sultry manner.  "You're really awesome.  In fact, I think you yourself might be even more awesome than the two of us combined."

"Really, you mean it?" Wondercloud was getting excited.  No, not like that, she was hoping that Hotflank would ask her to join the Awesomebolts, is what I'm saying.

"I bet you still wanna join the Awesomebolts, don't you?" Hotflank breathed, her face mere inches away from Wondercloud's.

"Y-yeah," gulped Wondercloud, trying not to look at all the parts of Hotflank's face that were really, really attractive.  "I do still wanna join, if you'll let me."

"Well too bad!" shouted Hotflank, and whip-cracked her tail, turning away from Wondercloud.  The crowd gasped and Wondercloud's heart sank.

Hotflank looked back over her shoulder and grinned.  "Because we're joining you."

"What?!"

The crowd cheered and Sugar Rush jumped forward to hug Wondercloud and keep her away from the leather temptress.  Hotflank laughed and nodded.

"It's obvious you're cooler than us, so we'll join you!  We'll even name ourselves after you!  Let's see, what was your full name again?"

"Wondercloud Lightningbolt," said Wondercloud Lightningbolt, wiping away a single manly tear of joy.  Where it landed on the ground, a flower sprouted, blooming with a rainbow bloom that released butterflies when it opened.

Hotflank conferred with Pie in the Sky for a hushed moment, then nodded and looked at Wondercloud.

"All right, we've decided.  We'll be called..."


"Hey, Dashie!"

Pinkie craned her head around, trying to see across her room to where Rainbow Dash was seated in front of her computer.  Even with headphones on, the sounds of clashing firearms could be heard thundering against Rainbow's head.  There was absolutely no way to get her attention from afar.

Setting her laptop aside, Pinkie crawled out of her bed, regretting it once her hooves hit the cool wood floor.

"Soon, Mister Blanket, we will be together and warm once again," she said, casting a lingering glance at the bedspread as she moved towards Rainbow Dash.

Her first instinct was just to tap the pegasus on the shoulder, but she realized that would no doubt startle her, as Dash got very intense when she was campaigning.  She opted instead to wave her hoof between the screen and Rainbow's eyes.  In hindsight, it didn't seem possible not to have startled Rainbow Dash, no matter what she did.

"Agh, Pinkie, cut it out!" Rainbow's head darted back and forth, trying to see around Pinkie's hoof.  "My kay-dee ratio is like fifteen to one and I've been hunting this noob for...  Oh no you didn't!  You flank-sucking son of a buffalo, you did not just camp my ass!"

Pinkie, who was plastered up against the nearest wall at this point, peeled herself away from it and put on a cheerful expression.  "Uhh... Now that you're dead, Dashie, d'you wanna read my newest fic?  It's almost done!"  She hopped in place, trying to add emphasis via movement.

"Sure thing, Pink," Rainbow Dash said, not looking at her.  "We've got like five minutes left in this match.  I'll come read it when I'm done."

"Okie dokie lokie!"  Pinkie gave Rainbow a peck on the cheek and hopped back into bed, thankful for the lingering warmth that remained between the sheets.  She scooped up her laptop, settling it comfortably in her lap, and put a hoof to her chin.

"Hmm, now let's see, where was I?  Oh yeah, that's right!"


Hotflank paused for dramatic effect.  "We'll be called the Lightningbolts!"

There was a pause, and then the crowd applauded.

"Not a bad name, if you ask me!" said Wondercloud, nodding appreciatively.

"Ah think it makes a lotta darn sense, Ah reckon," added Johnniepear.

"Too bad it has nothing to do with anything at all," grumbled Midnight Twinkle.

"Oh, stop being such a whiner," said Fashionface, burning Midnight but good.  "It's fitting!"

Sugar Rush gave Wondercloud a huge smooch-ola on the lips.  They all celebrated and then the crowd went back to working because somepony who was a total buzzkill -- I'm looking at you, Corporal Couch and Pen! -- mentioned that they were all slacking off and daylight was burning.  But it was okay, because Wondercloud and her friends had a big group hug, even Midnight Twinkle.

"Wow, so I guess all this time, all I needed was my friends!  Thanks to you guys, I'm the coolest pony in Ponylandia again, and I totally have awesome minions!"

"Uhh, we aren't exactly minions," said Hotflank crossly.

"No, you totally are, watch this." She straightened herself up and put a hoof to her chest, closing her eyes, and then pointing with that same hoof.  "Minion!  Go fetch me a lemonade!"

Hotflank just stared at her, and her stare turned into a look of pure surprise when Pie in the Sky brought over a tray with an ice-cold lemonade on it.  Wondercloud tousled his mane and drank it in one gulp.

"Ahh, refreshing!  See?  Minion.  And one minion is better than none!"

"Just don't let it go t'yer head, now, y'hear?" chuckled Johnniepear.

"Aww, how could I?" Wondercloud flashed her winningest smile, which did in fact win her something somewhere.  "You guys are the best friends ever.  But now that I'm number one in awesomeness again, there's something that's been bugging me."

Wondercloud cast a pointed glance at Fashionface, who yelped when the points poked her.

"Ow, not so pointy!"

"Fashionface," said Wondercloud seriously, "you are by far the least awesome of the Elements of Awesomery.  And if I'm gonna be number one in awesomeness because of my friends, I need to cut out some of the dead weight, if you know what I mean."

Fashionface shrank back, her curly purple mane bobbing, as all eyes turned to her.  For a moment, it looked to her like all the ponies around her were dark shadows, with shining red eyes and hungry teeth.  She fought back a scream.

"That's why," continued Wondercloud, "I vote we change Fashionface's Element of Whining to something else!"

Everypony gave her a weird look for a while, like she'd just spewed water ponies out of her mouth or something crazy like that.

"You can't just change the Elements!" cried Midnight Twinkle sourly.

"Ah don' see why not," shrugged Johnniepear.  "After all, votin' can solve all yer disputes!  It's the American way!"

"I think it's a great idea!" added Sugar Rush.

"But what would you change it to?" whined Fashionface.  Wondercloud winced.

"Ooh, I know!" cried Sugar Rush, hopping up and down sideways.  "You could be the Element of Bitchiness!  You know..." She stood up on her hind legs and waggled her head back and forth.  "Oh no you di'int, fillyfriend, snap snap!"

The ponies all wondered exactly how Sugar was able to snap her hooves like that, but then they remember that she's the Element of Randomness, so it was okay.

"That sounds pretty good, actually," said Fashionface without so much whining this time.  "I could totally do that!"

"Sweet!" cried Wondercloud.  "Great idea, Sugar.  All in favor?"

Five hooves went up in the air.  Whisperlite would never miss a chance to exercise her right to vote, after all.

"All opposed?"

"But you can't just change the Elements by voting!" Midnight cried, holding her hooves out pleadingly.  "This is old magic we're talking about!"

"Midnight abstains," Wondercloud said.  "The motion carries!"

They rushed in and hugged Fashionface, while Midnight pouted.

"Nothing happened, I'm telling you..."

"That's what you think, girl," said Fashionface snarkily.  She snapped her hoof right in front of Midnight's face and the lavender unicorn syndrome fell right over!

Everypony laughed.  It was a good day.

"C'mon, Sugar," said Wondercloud with a little yawn.  "I'll walk ya home."

Sugar gave a little yay and cuddled up against Wondercloud, who put a wing around her and started back towards Sugar's house.

"But like oh no and stuff," Sugar sadly said, "we never finished building my house!" She frowned a big frown and looked down at the ground, which rhymed but didn't make her feel any better.

"Don't be so sure," Wondercloud said, nudging her. "Look over there!"

She pointed with a hoof and there, much to Sugar's delight, was her new house!  Even though she couldn't remember them having worked on it all day, not only had it been completed, it was everything she'd ever wanted!  Every last detail -- chocolate lagoons, tropical fruit trees, even the demolition derby arena -- was there, including a few things that she hadn't even known she'd wanted!

She squealed in delight and hugged Wondercloud and pranced over to the door, which looked like a clock made out of sprinkles and licorice.  She was about to open the mushroom-shaped doorknob when she noticed something.  There, between the door and the right-side window, was the toothpick that Hotflank had been chewing on earlier that day, that had stuck into the wall.  Hanging from it was a small sign and on that sign was an inverted cupcake.

Sugar's eyes went wide.  Her teeth chattered.  Her mane got all standy-up and spiky and her whole body freaked out.  Without so much as knocking on the door (why would you knock on your own door though?), she turned tail and zipped back over to Wondercloud, who had been watching here, bewilderedly, all this time.  Sugar hid herself under Wondercloud's wing, peeking out and shivering.

"UmmmonsecondthoughtcanIstaywithyoutonight?"

"Sugar Rush, whoa, what the crap, settle down, damn!"

"It's there, Cloudie!  On my house!"

"What is?"

Sugar Rush pointed a quaking hoof at the house. "It's right...!"  But as she looked again, the toothpick and sign had both vanished.  Had she imagined it the whole time?  Sugar got a very urpy feeling in her tummy and made a poopie face.

"I don't see anything," Wondercloud said, starting to get worried.  "Are you sure you're feeling all right?"

"That's a good question." Sugar sighed.  "I'm sorry, Cloudie, I guess I freaked out over nothing.  But can I spend the night with you anyway?"

The pegasus covered in cutie marks laughed. "Of course you can!  It'll be fun." She gave her fillyfriend a big kiss.  "You're just so random sometimes."  Then she chuckled and gave Sugar a hug and they both went to Wondercloud's house for the night because she's a good fillyfriend.

THE END


The best part of Pinkie Pie's morning was checking her fanfiction sites on the Canternet for new comments on her stories.  Comments always gave her a happy feeling inside, like she'd just eaten a bowl of good cream of hay soup, and it was doubly so after she'd released a new story.

So it was with high hopes that she turned on her laptop and dialed up ponyfanfiction.pon, the first site on her list.

Sitting there, waiting for her, was an entire paragraph of comment.  Her eyes lit up with expectation as she read it.

TinieWings replied:

wow, I shared this with my friends and they LOVED IT! omc, your writing is so hilarious, you should really get published or somethin! we really liked Hotflank and Pie in the sky too, Hotflank is such a sexy beeyetch (*bg*) and Pie was a lovable idiot. Like, his antics were hilarious and he just didn't seem to know what was going on lol!! he totally reminds me of a friend of mine ;D anyway I really liked this and my friends too we can't wait to see what you write next! keep on partying, PartyPartyParty99!! <3

Pinkie had spent the entire time biting down on her hoof so she wouldn't scream.  The comment fully read, then reread, she let out a gleeful shriek and began bouncing up and down in her bed.  Gummy, disgruntled by the sudden oceanic movement of his preferred sleeping spot, slithered off the mattress onto the floor and curled up beneath the bed.

"This is so exciting!" she exclaimed.  "I got a whole new fan!  I love each and every one of my fans so much!  I'll write them a reply, just to say thank you!  I wonder who they could possibly be..."


As luck would have it, on the other side of Equestria, the mare secretly known as TinieWings was checking the Canternet at just the right time to see the reply to her message.  Fleetfoot's laughter echoed through the Wonderbolts' rec room, attracting the attention of at least one of her teammates.

"What the hay are you laughing at, Fleet?" Soarin asked, leaning over to peek at her monitor.

She snarled and pushed him away.  "Hey, back off!  I just got a comment from that author who wrote that story..."

"Ohhh no..." Soarin's eyes widened, his pupils dilating to pinpricks.

"You know, the one with-"

"Don't say it!"

Fleetfoot's face lit up in a manic grin.  "Pie in the Sky!"

Soarin groaned and hid his face while Fleetfoot continued laughing.

"Fleet, seriously, I don't wanna hear about it."

"Which is exactly why you will," said a third voice from the doorway.  Spitfire smirked at her comrades before entering the room.  "What was my name again, Hotfire?"

"Hotflank," Fleetfoot said, giving her team leader a grin.  "And such a hot flank it is, too."

Spitfire hissed through her teeth.  "Ooh, I know, I can't help it!  It's all those assless chaps I just can't resist wearing!"

Soarin was now covering his head with both hooves.  "Guys, c'mon..."

"What's the matter, pie boy?" Spitfire smirked at her wing leader.  "Can'tcha take a joke?"

Soarin rolled his eyes.  "It has to be funny first."

Fleetfoot pouted.  "Aww, poor Soarin.  We'll have to get him some pie to cheer him up."

Soarin's cheeks began to burn and he looked away from them.

"Yeah," said Spitfire, barely able to contain laughter, "both kinds!"

Both mares collapsed onto one another, laughing until their eyes watered, while Soarin, red-faced, made a hasty retreat from the rec room.

Author's Note:

Well, here we go, the first of the next true Elements of Awesomery stories!  I haven't got much in particular to say about it, save that unlike a certain side story, this was effortless to write, and I hope the rest will be so.

Also, I actually have some credits for jokes I stole!  Well, just one anyway; the bit about fluids (originally liquids) was paraphrased from the roommate of Nines Tempest.  It was the best line ever.  Also "Canternet" was not my creation, but I'm not sure who coined the term.  Just sayin'.

Anyway, I thank you for your continued support and readership.  I hope you enjoyed this and that you'll continue to enjoy the series as it progresses.  There's a lot more Awesomery to be had!

-Present Perfect

Comments ( 17 )

#1 · 82w, 23h ago · · ·

NO!! This does not have enough Bananas to be "Awesome"!

#3 · 82w, 23h ago · · ·

>>1346378 This story needs more bananas. How was that not clear? You sound like you need more bananas... I'm gonna go get some more bananas...

#4 · 82w, 14h ago · · ·

>>1346386

There are no bananas. There never were any bananas. You are the bananas.

#5 · 81w, 6d ago · · ·

By any chance is Hotflank's outfit a subtle reference to the novel The Scarlet Letter?

Maybe you decided your story needed a little piece of profundity?

Or maybe I'm just an idiot and trying too hard to find some...

Oh well I'll just let my brain regenerate after it exploded from the story's sheer awesomery.

#6 · 81w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1351772

First, I will answer your question by saying 'no'.

Second, I will wonder just how in the heck you came to that conclusion. @_@

#7 · 81w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1353137

Well, I recently was applying for some jobs online and contacted my high school English teacher to ask if I could use her as a reference.

Then when I read about Hotflank, and probably how she's had sex more than your average mare, and noticed the big 'A' on her outfit my mind immediately went straight to the aforementioned novel I read in some random reading class I took before I attended said high school.

That coupled with the fact that this story is written how it is, my mind started desperately searching for something insightful within those mass lines of succinct randomness and badassery, and it's no surprise I came to that conclusion.

Does that answer your question you magnificent bastard?

#8 · 81w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1353709

Wow.

Uh, I mean, YES, YES OF COURSE HA HA, IT IS GOOD TO FIND SOMEONE WHO RECOGNIZES AND UNDERSTAND MY GENIUS, THANK YOU!

#9 · 79w, 3d ago · · ·

Nine times.  Nine times I had to get up and walk away to calm myself, due to sheer ridiculosity.  Well played.

It still hurts to read, but it's a good kind of pain.  Like popping your back.

#10 · 79w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1446731

I think my work here is done. :3

Well, except that there is more to come...

#11 · 72w, 3d ago · · ·

Eeyup. I think my favorite bit was right at the end, honestly; I've already left a comment on the context/side stories, and I've declared (and will re-declare!) my love for the end of the first chapter, but the bit with the Wonderbolts here at the end just shines. It makes me look back through the entire story and laugh twice as hard again. Adorable.

#12 · 72w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1734089

Huzzah! :D

#13 · 40w, 4d ago · · ·

yo, EQD says this is complete, your're tag says incomplete, which is it?

#14 · 40w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2872745

Each story is complete on its own, as they're sequels. I decided to make the tag incomplete here though since the whole series is going into one post. :B So both?

#15 · 40w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2872758

Huh. Okay then, I'm asking because I run the Completed Story Compendium, and wasn't sure weather or not to add it.

#16 · 40w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2872794

I guess a simpler answer would be "The story is complete, the series is not".

So it's all whether you take the title of this submission as that of the first story or the whole series. :B Up to you!

#17 · 29w, 3d ago · 2 · ·

I'm used to stories having moments that make me die laughing, but this... I was laughing the entire time.  :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: Keep up the good work and you may be the next element of laughter!:pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::facehoof:

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