Tuna
Admiral Biscuit
Spike walked into the Crystal Castle(TM), unaware that anything was amiss. Outside, it was a perfectly ordinary day. Ponies were going about their business, and the rampaging monster at the edge of town was being talked down by Fluttershy.
His first sign of trouble was the inconsolable sobbing echoing through the Crystal Halls(TM). Spike knew that sound all too well; it was the sound he'd made when Rarity set her sights on Trenderhoof. At least that had ended well. Rarity was just as hot dirty and dressed in overalls, and her fake country accent was—well!
He scampered up the stairs as fast as his stubby legs could carry him, shoving open the doors to Twilight's room without even knocking. The alicorn was sprawled across her bed, her cheeks damp with tears and surrounded by empty ice-cream containers. Spike knew all too well what that meant.
He wrapped an arm around Twilight's neck, hugging her tightly to him. It was times like these that she most needed him to be strong, and he was only too happy to help, even if it was a little emasculating.
“Tirek broke up with mee-he-heee,” she sobbed, burying her face against his chest. “He said it just wouldn't work out between us.” She looked up at him, her eyes glistening. “Am I too fat? Is that what this is about?”
“You're a beautiful mare,” Spike whispered, stroking her mane. “And smart, too. Anypony would love to have you as a marefriend. Tirek . . . he's evil. That's probably why he broke up with you.”
“You're not helping,” Twilight sniffled, eating another big scoop of ice cream. “I feel so—dirty. To think I fell for his lines! And let him. . . .” She raised her head enough to look at a framed photograph of her and Tirek going through the Tunnel of Love at Poney Island. She threw it across the room, the shattered pieces of glass holding in her aura for an instant before they crashed to the ground like so many broken dreams.
“Do you want me to send a letter to Flash?”
Twilight sniffled and nodded.
MEANWHILE IN CANTERLOT
The Olive Garden in Canterlot was the go-to spot for romantic couples—it had an old-world charm on the inside, a patio with a stunning view of Canterlot on the outside, and endless breadsticks, salad, and (for a limited time), unlimited pasta.
On the aforementioned patio, a dark blue alicorn and a black-and-red abomination centaur sat across a table.
“WE THANK THEE FOR THE PLEASANT NIGHT,” Luna bellowed.
“It was my pleasure, Princess,” Tirek smoothly replied, discreetly digging a finger in his ear to hopefully quell the ringing noise.
“WE ARE NOT ACCUSTOMED TO BEING SHOWN THE FAVOR OF A STALLION.” Luna and Tirek ignored the waitress who'd just dropped her tray as a result of the lunar princess’ latest declaration.
“You're beautiful,” he said, leaning his hideous red face close to hers. “Your mane is filled with the wonders of the universe, and you have the body of a supermodel.” He smiled, his teeth gleaming like an armory full of swords. “I—I don't mind confessing that I'd just love to run my hands through your mane, or over your coat, or under—“
Luna's face turned bright red. “THOU ART MOST FLATTERING.” She pushed her plate away, one hoof self-consciously patting her belly. “WE FIND THY DARK COAT AND OTHER EQUINE FEATURES PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE, AND WE CONFESS TO FEELING A CERTAIN CURIOSITY AS TO THINE OTHER ATTRIBUTES.” She lowered her head—and her voice—slightly. “We wish to run our hooves over thy bare flesh.”
Tirek raised a hand. “Check, please.”
TWO HOURS LATER
Luna and Tirek sat side-by-side in the Canterlot gardens, watching the sun set. Luna occasionally cast her eyes upon Tirek's ruddy skin, as the sun painted it an orange-red, then a red-red, then a violet-red. He put his hand on her back, and gave her a gentle squeeze.
“I never thought I'd be sharing a sunset with the mare of dreams,” he said dreamily. “Somehow, the new night looks a lot more beautiful, when you're next to your true love.” He lightly ran his fingers over her coat. “Although it is darker than usual.”
“Mmm.” Luna tucked her head against his broad chest and whispered, “I love you too, Tirek.” She turned her head up and nuzzled him on the bottom of the chin. “The very stars shall spell out the name of our love.”
Tirek chucked her cheek, and chuckled quietly. “You can't mean that.”
“WE DO MEAN THAT.” Luna jerked her head up, nearly spearing Tirek on her horn, and stuck her tongue out in concentration. “WE OUGHT TO RAISE OUR MOON AS WELL. TIA WILL WORRY IF WE DO NOT.” Her horn lit, and an instant later, the moon scudded guiltily above the horizon, bouncing slightly as it slid into place. “CLOSE ENOUGH.” Luna glanced back at Tirek, seeking inspiration, before she turned her head to the heavens again.
“Luna ♥s Tirek?” The centaur looked back down at her. “No offense, but that's hardly subtle. I'm flattered—but I'm also a fugitive from Tartarus, remember?”
“OF COURSE.” Luna closed her eyes and began shuffling the stars again, dooming several planets to an icy demise. “IS THIS BETTER?”
“I . . .” Tirek stared at the heavens. And stared. He tilted his head to get a better look, before glancing back at Luna. “I don't quite get—“
“SHALL WE MAKE IT MORE CLEAR?” Luna's horn lit brightly, and a few stars moved their position.
“Oh.” Tirek's face got redder, somehow. “So . . . I would imagine that constellation is meant to be me?”
“CORRECT.”
“And I'm engaged in—do fillies look up at the stars?”
Luna shrugged. “WE SUPPOSE THEY DO, BUT IF THEY UNDERSTAND THE IMAGE, ‘TIS NOT OUR FAULT.”
“Of course.” He hugged Luna tightly. “Oh, Luna, I've had such a splendid evening with you, but I fear it is getting late, and I must return to my cell before I'm missed.” He plucked at the charm on his neck. “I can't imagine that Twilight is still maintaining this spell.”
“FEAR NOT, DEAR TIREK: WE HOLD SWAY OVER ALL THE CREATURES OF TARTARUS.” Luna wrapped a hoof around the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss. “THINK NOT OF THE LAVENDER ONE. WE DECREE THAT THOU SHALT SPEND THE NIGHT WITH US.”
THE NEXT MORNING
Princess Celestia stepped onto her balcony, and without any fanfare, took hold of the sun and gently lifted it over the horizon. As its first morning rays touched her coat, she happened to look slightly higher, where the moon still hung.
That's not like Lulu, Celestia thought, quickly shoving the moon over to the other side of the sky before anypony noticed and panicked. Maybe she got distracted.
While Celestia sipped her morning tea, worries began to nag at her, especially as she heard some distant screams of horror from the side of Canterlot facing Tartarus. She set her teacup neatly in its saucer, bowed politely to her hoofmaid, and then teleported out of her sitting room without a word.
She re-appeared right in front of Luna's bedchambers, her focus on the doors so intent that she failed to notice the two shell-shocked stallions standing silent sentry on either side.
With a mighty shove of her hoof, Celestia pushed the door wide open, only to take a step back as a strong wave of musk, sweat, and unmentionable assaulted her nostrils. Bravely, she cracked an eye back open to take in the scene.
The whole room was a complete shambles.
Luna was lying in the middle of her ruined bed, her mane tousled and a goofy grin on her face. Her feathers were rumpled, and her crown hung off the chandelier, which—actually, as Celestia took in the whole scene—was more logical than where her platinum hoof boots had ended up.
“Luna?” Celestia reached tentatively for her sister. “What in Faust's name happened?”
“Oh, it was wonderful,” Luna gushed. “A thousand years of pent-up repression, spent in a night, with the most wonderful centaur imaginable. And he treated me to dinner at Olive Garden first!”
MEANWHILE IN TARTARUS
Tirek limped into his cell, an ice pack still firmly clamped against his loins, and collapsed in a senseless lump.
DATA_EXPUNGED.exe has stopped working
You have no shame, do you?
Jolly good stuff.
Olive Garden? Haven't seen one of those in years.
Oh god why. Why did you actually write this?
(Yes I know I said I wanted to see the Tuna ship, time to read!)
Preliminary facehoof:
EDIT after reading:
Lovely. I must find or make or convince people to write more of this ship.
(Tiny thing that bugs me about Luna though - I remember reading that if you're writing in an archaic style, "thy" goes before words starting in consonants and "thine" before vowels. Also for future reference, if you ever use my/mine speaking-as-Luna, the same applies)
EDIT 2: Clarification of thy/thine because I'm a strange kind of nerd apparently
Example of the consonant/vowel - "I have thine oath" vs "I have thy promise"
It's nothing against you personally, it's just been bugging me in a lot of Luna stories and I finally "snapped", I guess. Sorry.
EDIT 3:
But *squee* you wrote the Tuna ship!
Snusnu
But Twirek was the newest OTP! You can't keep doing this!
Tirek harem, now!... what have I begun?
5185292
fear not; it ends here for me. Titia crosses a line that shouldn't be crossed.
5185329 Personally, I'd call it Celestirek.
Dat Olive Garden doe.
DAMNIT STOP IT
5183866
I know the feel.
In a nutshell . . . I'll write a crackfic about anything.
5183903
Thanks!
5183979
There's one in East Lansing where my parents and I used to meet for dinner and to talk back when I lived in Lansing. No idea if it's still there, but I assume it is.
5183987
One of my pre-readers, who shall not be named, encouraged it.
Strangely, it's not the weirdest one I've done. We need more Scootaloo + Celestia in Twilight's gall bladder.
You are correct. I screwed that up. I have made the corrections.
5185082
You have my condolences. The trouble with relationships ending is that they often affect others, and Tirek should have thought of that. Not only did he break Twilight's heart, but the hearts of shippers worldwide who wanted it to work out between them.
On the other hand, Twilight got back together with Flash for some rebound . . . let's say friendzoning.
Luna broke him. He couldn't possibly handle a second mare.
5185329
You've already unleashed two horrors upon this earth, you're going to stop there?
I'm not sure whether to be relieved, or terrified.
5185331
Another reasonable option.
One of my pre-readers suggested "Lunatwik" for this, but I had my heart set on "Tuna." It just rolls off the tongue.
5185750
I know, right? Endless salad and breadsticks, and (for a limited time), unlimited pasta. All wrapped up in an 'authentic' Italian atmosphere.
5185936
I have no plans to ship Tirek with anypony else, I promise.
5185997
Three, if you count Scootaloo and Celestia: Adventures in Twilight's Gall Bladder.
I'm done with Tirek for now. He's spent. In the future, though, I might very well come up with a different crazy ship.
It's alright, Twilight. What you need is a stallion that compliments your coloring well and won't blow up your library.
5185957
You have no idea how much you're tempting me to flood you with suggestions. Most of them involving obscure words.
5185970
Do thank that prereader of yours for me, then. And yes, I read and quite enjoyed the Scoots/Tia in Twi's gall bladder. Very silly indeed.
*snerk*
I don't believe I've mentioned this yet, but you are rapidly becoming one of my favorite fanfic people.
I don't know, man...
I think this ship smells fishy...
5185994
I don't necessarily mean as a sequel, I mean as a general fic.
A Tirek harem has yet to exist (that I know of), but you could change that! Mane Six chasing after the guy?
I don't even care if harems are overdone, I just want to see Tirek at the helm of it.
5186216
Do it--it's nearing the end of October, and I'm rapidly running out of ideas.
Aww, thanks!
5186988
Doesn't it?
5187449
I'm not sure I could pull that one off. Maybe Blueshift?
5187637
I've got a few suggestions/prompts. I'll PM you because otherwise some of them might be a little spoilery.
Disclaimer: this story does not contain tuna fish.
That was hilarious. What next, Celestia and Tirek?
If so I think that ship should be called Celrek.
5196099
I was thinking "Titia," just to get hopes up. But I probably won't write it, unless I run out ideas by the end of the month.
Tirek got wrecked. And I love how Flash is Twilight's backup stallion.
5408388
In the best way possible.
Honestly, that was to piss off the haters. I figured anyone I hadn't offended with the basic premise of the story would lose their st at the thought of Twilight and Flash.
I really am a horrible person sometimes.
5410882 I like your thinking. Its a literal 'buck you' to people in a hilarious way. GOLD STAR FOR YOU!
Hey, in case you are interested, I wrote a review for this which can be found here.
6191289
Thanks!
Happened to see the title of this in Soge's review. I'm not going to read it, but I just wanted to say that I happened to get to Soge's blog via Big Princess Week. I laughed more at your title than that entire story.
I'm not entirely sure you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself.
You probably should.
You probably aren't.
6364249
But then you'll miss the date at Olive Garden (where romances bloom).
This isn't the worst thing I've done. Not by a long shot.
Oh my. The original was good; but this was so much better. The hilarity, THY HILARITY!
There were many things that stood out for me in this story; but this one took the cake.
This could easily be the most bada@$ power ever imagined in the entire MLP
universemultiverse.I mean think about it. This are stars we are talking about.
STARS!
Flipping stars!
If we assume they work the same way than in our universe then they are massive balls of plasma that can range between 3000 and 25000 degrees Kelvin. You can't even comprehend how hot that is, if we compare it to nuclear weapons star heat levels are in a completely different league.
Then there is their magnitude. Their sizes are also hard to really grasp, here is a video that helps with that regard.
But this one gets you started with the earth and moon which are already massive in their own right to the point that the only means that most people have to truly grasp their size is to take a long plane ride, look down the window the entire time and then looking up the distance you traveled at the world map you get an estimation of just how big is the planet in relation to ourselves.
ds9.ssl.berkeley.edu/LWS_GEMS/3/images_3/layat350.jpg
(commercial planes rise as high as the stratosphere)
But the most important part about this amazing celestial bodies that are the stars in the sky is that for the most part they are dozens to billions of light years apart from one another. You can travel around the world about 7 times in one second at lightspeed, so good luck picturing a light year let alone billions of them.
By this point if you are still reading this you might already feel like:
" I get it, stars are amazing, get to the point already!"
The point is that if all this is presumed to be the way things are in the story then Luna has the power to move, regardless of temperature gravitational pull or magnetism, several massive perhaps infinite portions of mass, simultaneously, across space at speeds far far FAR above the speed of light, with only mild effort, and while drunk!
There is such a thing as being too powerful you know!
That power is big enough to redefine the meaning of OP, which is saying something.
~Leonzilla
6955425
Thank you!
It's actually something I had to consider in CSI/OPP--if Luna could move distant stars, than she's way more powerful than Celestia who can only move one measly nearby sun. Especially since it's comics canon that Luna struggles to raise the sun.
I settled on having her move nearby asteroids, rather than distant stars. The effect for the observer would be the same.
I actually liked this one better than Twirek. :B I'm not sure why. I'm also not sure how I missed the reading for Twirek and heard this one instead.
OK but why though?
8260280
Why not? The princess of the night needs some love, after all.
So, given a choice between a night with Luna, or a night in Tartarus, which would Tirek choose?
Tirek: "Give me a few hours to rest up before I have to answer that, could you?"
8305032
If he has any sense at all, he'd pick Tartarus. Especially now that he knows what a night with Luna entails.
Oh my.
10383039
One of my favorite lines from a show we did was “If your kids got that joke, it’s not our fault.”
10383896
Oh my!