Human, Male, 22 years old, and used to the cold. Adrian Frost is his name and this is the story of his new life in Equestria! All it took was curiosity and weak masonry to lead to this new world, but what will happen next?
First human in Equestria story and wanted to take a small break from The Kings Shadow series and try something new! Originally thought to make this a one shot story but as I wrote it out it became something more! (Or at least I hope so), so we shall see where this takes us!
[RE-EDIT] FEATURED! Front page featured on 5/5/2015! I am so happy! (Granted, for only 10 minutes but it still counts!)
And now I have been told that on 7/14/2015 it was featured on the front page again! So happy!
Chapters (49)
At first i didn´t know if i liked him or not, proably because i thought for a moment that he didn´t know that she is a princess, but she said so.
Well i think i would be to confused to freak out about her being a princess, but i am allways a bit slow after waking up, well at least i don´t like to be in a rush in the morning.
It is somehow cute how fast Fluttershy got attached to him, but i just knew that Pinkie need that too.
"Somehow i want him to scratch Lunas ears, or Celestia, i don´t know i am just corious how you would written that scene.
Well i have not much to say about it, but i think after i finished the whole chapter i can say i like it and i am interessted in another chapter.
nice story :D
5164932
Well thank you very much! I am happy that you found this first chapter interesting and I hope I can deliver the next chapter with similar success! :D
5165081
Thank you, thank you very much! Happy you liked it!
I like it!
5166055
Why thank you! I am most happy that you enjoyed it!
The ending had a lot of daww to it. I loved this chapter!
5167275
Yay! Glad you enjoyed it!
Okay, to start off I'm going to say that there are essentially two basic thing you need to remember about story writing that will help you in this chapter. With dialogue it's good to remember that when you have multiple speakers, each speaker gets their own paragraph regardless of how short or long the paragraph is.
The next thing to remember is that punctuation is key; whenever you use a quotation mark, all other punctuation is place within the punctuation. Periods, commas, and exclamation points are never supposed to be outside a quotation mark. Also, when a sentence ends in a certain punctuation, no period is needed.
Let me demonstrate these points using an excerpt from your story:
- Unedited -
- Edited -
Also, if you noticed there was a conjugation error here withthe word "were" which is a past tense verb meaning that something happened in the past. I think the word you were looking for was "we're" which is a smash up of "we" and "are;" a commonly used and often times frequently auto-corrected word on mobile devices.
These are the only real errors I've seen but I do have another observation. Adrian frequently refers to Twilight as "princess." While not erroneous, knowing Twilight's character, I have to wonder if she's giving a little bit of leeway since he's essentially stranded? After a while, she'd stop a normal pony from calling her by title if she considerd them a friend. May that didn't make sense outside my mind... Oh well. Good job so far. I hope I came across the way I meant to, but as the saying goes, "better to ask forgiveness then permission" or something like that.
5167357
Hello and thank you very much for the info. Yeah, I was thinking about that particular paragraph but at the time I thought it might of fit better with them introducing themselves all in one paragraph but when you put it as separate it looked better, so I shall edit that a bit later.
I did not really notice the were, are, etc. thank you for point that out and I shall be on the lookout for the future.
As for him only calling her "Princess" or "Princess Twilight" that is by choice since in his mind it is better to call her by title unless told not to. I was actually going to bring that up whenever he is introduced to Princess Celestia.
Thank you again for taking the time to help and I am glad to hear that you still enjoyed the story!
That was what i thought a few sentences befor
He could easily earn his bits with this new treatment added to the spar maybe
I decited that he is strange, but i like that somehow
For a Moment i always start to think, that he embarrassed himself with his to polite and a little bit ackward actions, but i like it that the girls are always a bit taken aback with it, that makes it good for me.
Well i have my favourites, like Fluttershy , Derpy or Ditzy.
In your fanfiction it would be Pinkie Pie, Applejack and then Twilight i think, maybe Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash too, but for the romance i would prefer Pinkie Pie and Applejack at the moment i think. I started to like romance with Twilight too, but i saw no good romance fanfiction with Twilight and Humans so far.
Because i read about Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight at the moment, i think it would be nice to read something about Pinkie Pie or Applejack for a change, but it is up to you i sure won´t mind another pairing.
For Rainbow Dash, well i know how she is and i accept that a few people want to write romances with her being way to foward for sex, but i think it is often overdone. Rainbow or not, i don´t like it with the chapter is only filled with three times sex and not much of the story itself, i think it is not good for the story if someone let Rainbow really do it three times and there is not much else. By the way, i think even Rainbow can just Cuddle a bit and don´t have to clop the day away. That´s why i am glad for something like http://www.fimfiction.net/story/198027/cuddling-is-the-best-remedy
If you don´t want, you don´t have to tell me about the pairing, i just wanted to let you know what i think at the moment, and i know that there is probably not anything like clop in it, because i don´t saw the tag for it.
Good job, i move it to my favourites, but not yet to the top favourites.
5167865
-shrugs- Who knows, maybe that is how he earns his bits in the future! That would be pretty funny.
As for the royalty treatment, I decided to make him a bit over dramatic since he is thinking of royalty back on Earth and trying to treat her like he thinks they would be treated. That and he may have read one too many stories about knights and dragons
As for the romance part, I am still deciding on how I want to take this but for now any romantic feelings will be one sided until he decideds that he wants to cross that barrier, that and its only been half a day for him
And no, there is no clop and if I ever got to a point where they would get their in their relationship I would probably just lead them to bed then TIME SKIP! -looks around- Whoops too far, oh well.
Well I am just happy to have a reader like you who is interested in my story and I hope that one day it shall be the top of the list! Thank you again!
this is a nice chapter cant wait for more
He has magic... but does not know... I can't wait for the next chapter! (I can, but I do not want too...) Keep up the great work!
5174220
Thank you! Glad you liked the new chapter!
That was cute
5174463
Thank you!
Some things I noticed:
I've noticed these bolder and underlined errors several times throughout the story and I thought I could use this as an opera unity to help out. First off, let's start off with the conjugation problems. I'm assuming these are simply typos that didn't get corrected. "I'll" needs that apostrophe there to make it "I will" otherwise it just says "sick or ill."
The other thing I noticed was that when you transitioned to Derpy's line and finished her statement, you neglected your punctuation. There should be a comma there or if you want to be final about the statement you could end on a period. As I said before, "punctuation is key."
Over all I love the story dynamics and the direction you're taking. The energy of the fillies and the curiosity of Twilight. It gives a sense of whimsy and rambunctiousness.
I do have a question of an interesting nature though, do you have either a proof reader or an editor yet? Near as I can tell, you don't need an editor for spelling or grammar corrections, just someone to read through the story initially and to correct for punctuation.
If that's the case, I do recommend finding a friend here or elsewhere that can do that for you. If you don't have someone, give me a private message and I'll see if we can work something out until you can find a suitable replacement.
5175175
Ah, well thank you very much for pointing that out. I am usually pretty good at catching those but I guess I miss one or two now and then. I will go over and fix that as soon as I can (or whenever I feel like it haha)
I am happy that you like the story and the characters so far, will be sure to keep it up then!
So far, I do not have any proof readers (I have not really considered it since I am not a big writer or anything yet) or editors. What's funny though is that I have another story up that I have been doing for a while and it has not gotten any attention but the moment I started this one I have gotten a lot of faves and new watchers so I am now starting to see the need -laughs- Thank you again for the commentary and the help!
I really like the ideas you use in this chapter
I know he can´t have more than one real romance, but the cute scene with Derpy caused that i want him to be together with her.
At the moment i would like (1.Derpy, 2. Pinkie Pie, 3. well from what i saw so far i think Fluttershy.) I don´t know about Twilight, she looks more like a very good friend and a possible teacher for his possible Magic, and reading Buddy. I would like one which trust him as much as his Marefriend would do.
Well i think this story earned his favourite from me today
Somehow everything seems to be alright for me right now, three chapters are enough for me to understand how his personality have to be and i don´t mind it anymore if he is doing something that feels a bit off i think.
I would like it if you take yourr time with the story, i mean make more chapters than you maybe have planned or make room for a possible sequel. In the last time i say thing like this maybe not to rarely, but it is rare that i feel as happy as i was right now, because i got to read a chapter of a good story. I mean it earned his favourite from me today, and for the moment i think i take it into my top favourite folder
Well i have a still favourite folder (for those story´s i don´t like as much as the other ones), and i have the normal favourite folder (top favourite)
PS: For the sake of the story, he can maybe be able to learn a bit faster, maybe his ancestors were magicians. I think i forgot to say something .....
Good Job
that was good story cant wait for the other parts
5176468
Yay! Thank you again for the amazing feedback! As for the romance part, I think its going to be another few chapters before I make him realize that option since it is still technically Day One for him (I know, 4 chapters = One Day = Ugh).
I am very happy and grateful that you have a good feel for the story and have it high on the list of your favorite stories! Means I am doing something right with my writing!
As for the magic learning bit, it is going to be a little bit before he starts to develop it since right now he thinks he cannot do it but I am going to make it where something happens and he accidentally uses it to help somepony (like defending against a manticore or something, though I do not want that to be too predicable since a lot of stories usually go with that setting).
5176607
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it, I shall begin working at once!
5176760 i don´t mind to wait for the romance part, i just want to say already which i think is good for him after i read the new chapter, i think i do it with the new one too.
Well of course for a little bit i say it to read about a new Human pairing, i mean i only found a good one about Fluttershy and i think it was Twilight, because of that both of them are more or less off the list for me.
And no problem, the story looks really good for me.
I would assume the possible resscue part could cause (psychokinesis or a magic blast for his first magic), ahh i think i let you suprise me
I don´t trust the tragedy tag yet, but maybe i try it out too, that measn i think about to read your other two storys too.
5177071
Yeah, the tragedy part will come much later in the story but I decided to put it up now so that when it comes people wont be "Why didn't you put the Tragedy tag in it?!" and what not.
An interesting turn of events, a thestral or bat pony that can dream walk? No. Some sort of enchantment perhaps? Seems more likely. A Pegasus, even this night time variety isn't capable of this kind of magic without some help. Ah, Lady Luna does seem to be quite good at enchantments.
That nightmare was grim, far more grim than I would think a young man would normally have outside of the military. This leads me to believe something truly horrible happened in his past, I look forward to learning more.
I noticed much of the same grammar errors I mentioned before as well as quite a few editing mistakes. It isn't anything serious but I thought you should at least be made aware. I'm not going to point all of them out here since... Well that'd take too long and I have to get up early in the morning.
5179710
Well, she cannot dream walk on her own, that little necklace she tapped allows her to (Thanks to Luna)
For the dream, normally yes it would not of been so grim but like you said something bad happened to him in the past and combined with a few other elements (you shall either have to guess or read later on) led to the super nightmare.
Yeah, I am sure there are some errors mainly cause I was writing this story all day and I finished up around midnight so I kinda got lazy and decided to post it right away -laugh- But I thank you for pointing our the fact that there are errors, always appreciated.
You should really continue this story. I faves dis.
I like Luna more than Celestia, but sometime i think it is a bit ironic that Luna rescue the day er..dream. Okay i was wrong, it was Nightingale that helped him and i like it. It is not the typical Luna can help everything at once situation. I don´t know, i think i had rad to much bad thing if she personally visited a dream. Once she tried to force someone to love Derpy or she would do something to him
Well i think she was maybe a bit to motherly, i would maybe not kiss someone one the head and bedding him, but well maybe she IS the motherly type, maybe she even is a mother. I like it that he is able to return the help he gets at once somehow.
I don´t have to say that much this time, good job
Right now i mean not your story, but the moment i thought about Celestia, made me think that it sometimes looks, like she would try to mislead someone with her power to calm them down or anything like that. I can´t remember the name but i read a story where it looked like she tricked them with the "oh i feel so calm if i look at her thing".
I don´t mind if it is this time too like this, but maybe you can somehow show that he is trying to like her not only because he is feeling her aura or something.
he is now the official cutie mark crussaider caretaker.
that was a good story cant wait for more XD
5180025
I plan to do so! Happy you like it!
5180649
I am very happy and glad you want more! Means I am doing something right!
5180323
Yeah, well I always thought that even though that she is one of the most powerful beings in Equestria, she cannot be in every ones dream at once so I thought that the Night Guard (with Luna magical enchanted items) would help.
As for the motherly bit, that is mainly because she has had to deal with fillies to adults to old people in their dreams, so after a while she developed a motherly attitude.
I am still thinking on how to portray Celestia in this one but I have an idea.
-laughs- Yeah, I guess he is now. Maybe he can make his bits by Ear Scratches and Foal Sitting.
5181045
I don´t know why i like the idea that he is giving Luna or Celestia a royal earsratch so much.
It really looks like it could be an expensive service if some ponys get past his unusal appearance. I don´t know, it seems somehow that silly, that i really like the idea with earn as much money as filthy rich by such scratch ears
About Celestia, suprise me
ahhh man, my avatar don´t work if i only have to write good things
PS: To be honest as i talked about the tragedy tag, i didn´t realized that this story had it too, but you convinced me already i like it.
5181387
That would be an interesting road to travel down, the royal ear scratch. But I really do like the idea, I am thinking about it but that shall be saved for a later day.
Celestria will be a surprise for us both -laughs-
Glad you liked the tragedy bit, be sure to read the dream part carefully. You might find a few hidden messages and possible foreshadowing. Or maybe not.
Wut? wow.....I will think...something...not good, nvm it not really about sex or maybe (hand)
5203201
-laughs- No, no its all G rated dreams. I mean if I saw a strange new creature I would probably be thinking/dreaming about it as well.
ouch
I am not an english expert, but maybe you mean ears? I think you poke Derpy in her already damaged eyes
Not enough Derpy
. I think Derpy has not many friends here and maybe she don´t notice how clingy she is, or she simply like to show her affection. Finally a sweet Sweetibell again, i think i like all your Characters till now.
If Derpy is his romance or not, i really want her at least as an important friend. Oh yes and i am curious how you make Celestia´s personality and her whole hypnotic aura. From time to time i like her that way, but i don´t think that she really can be able to get everyone on her side with just talk on word to them. Sometimes she just say hello and the characters are astonished because of her pure aura of motherly love, you know like a finishing move in some fighting games.
Good job.
5205732
Bwahahaha! Wow, I did not notice that blunder. Thank you for pointing that out. Fixed and edited it.
Well, it is probably like you said that due to her not having many friends so she does not know how to be 'normal' per say. Yay sweet Sweetie Bell!
She is definitely an important friend, and you will know soon enough!
oh no he want to go home
, well maybe this is only the normal reaction a Human would have, but that doesn´t means he have to go.
I don´t believe that you do it like this, but if he really should go i would like it if he is able to visit them or if maybe a second story would play in this world, just in chase i wanted to say that.
I am happy with this story, i have a lot to enjoy right now
Derpy,Pinkie, Fluttershy,Twilight, well okay four ponys. I just count Pinkie to the rest, because i am not able to see if she means something serious or not, with her usual acting. I can´t really decide which i would like more, Pinkie would be something new and interessting for me, Fluttershy is just sweet but i know this one already, and for Derpy....i know story´s with her, but this one is more for my liking and i don´t have to wait to long for the chapters. I don´t boost anyone to do more, but i don´t like to wait for 1-2 month´s, which happens more than you maybe think.
I am not sure if there is a reason for it, but you have made me think, that there are maybe three possible Mares for him at the moment, i don´t want to know it yet i just like to guess who it is.
A funny end for the chapter, i don´t mind them t otalk about the dream but i like it more that this chapter was only funny, sweet and cute.
The day was not to fast and the chapter was not really short, that´s another thing i like.
I think i said what i wanted to say so good work again. I tried to say something else than the usual guesses for the romance
I don´t understand the downvotes, but i could think that this are maybe the people which don´t even wait for the first 3-4 chapters. I always think if i really don´t like a story and there is not much information in the first chapter, just wait and try read a few chapters more till i get the whole idea and such things.
5208729
Well, as for the home part you shall have to wait and see if anything happens, cause like Celestia said the spell may or may not exist!
I am glad you enjoy the story so much! And I shall let you continue to guess! I do know what you mean though about chapters taking a long time to publish and my goal for this story is at the very least make one chapter a week and If I make more than the better. But like I said I want at least one a week.
For the dream I don't think I will go into much detail next chapter but enough to cover the basis or maybe not, I dunno yet -laughs-
Thank you again for all the feedback and comments!
Next time, this is about massage with oil techniques. Truth me, i almost been rape about this,
really bowing to a horse :/
Not bad, needs a little editing. I would just remove some repeated words and alter some stuff to make it flow better. Overall not bad.
5211317
Why not? Royalty is royalty and he was showing respect. That and he is a bit nervous.
5213100
Hmmm, I see. Well thank you for letting me know, I will go back over and see what I can do. Thank you again for the comment and for enjoying it!
5217569 no offense but in america royalty means shit everyone is equal :/
Oh....serious?
bunbunmaru.com/wakaba/general/src/1351594635.01235144.jpg
I don´t care much for the last thing she was saying, but she looked a bi cute, with how she waas acting back there....Aloe i mean.
I think she just think, that Aloe want to start a relationship as fast as possible and is acting that foward, because she don´t want to loose the chance to get him as a potential Coltfriend
To be honest i would maybe like it with nearly every Mare but even if Luna was cute i think i would choose her as a good friend for him.
I think i loved Derpy´s reaction the most, because she seems to be a bit shy about it, followed up by Aloe.
I already choosed to think of Twilight as a friend, and even if i didn´t saw much from Pinkie which could make me think she likes him, i still see her as a possible and interessting romance.
Well you start to make me want more and everytime some different pairings each chapter.
I think i have thought about Rarity and him in another comment of mine, but i don´t know, it is nearly the same as with Pinkie, i think it would be interessting, but right now i can´t image that they woud fall in love with each other.
I can´t say which would be my favourite. Pinkie Pie X Adrian could be funny and sweet too, I bet if they would be together then maybe Adrian would be able to see a different side from Pinkie, i mean you could think that even Pinkie need to relax sometimes. Well i know not in some fanfictions or in the movie, but even if she can do all of this i would like to think that she isn´t to 100% hyperactive.
Derpy X Adrian could be a bit sad, heartwarming, sweet and just nice. (Sad because maybe she still get´s treaten bad or have some issues.
Aloe X Adrian...i don´t know i have nothing against it and start to like the idea, but i don´t see any good or bad things about this romance.
I honestly can´t stop to be happy if i notice an uptade for the story. After i got over some of his weird manners, i simply start to think of the story as my favourite at the moment. I don´t get many updates for the other storys i have till now, but probably even if i would get more, this story would be on top of my favourites.
I really like how you write this, maybe if you start to write a similar story like this you could do it like other storys and still use this world with Adrian as a Background Character or just a sequel for it.
I just wait till the story is near to the end befor i ask for a sequel or anything like it, but i thought i still couls say what i think right now.
5231022
Ah, well in the next chapter it will explain why she is acting so forward.
Happy to hear that you have seriously thought about all the pairings and everything else! Makes me happy to hear that you look forward to the next chapter!