• Member Since 5th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 8th, 2017

Cheerilyra


Maybe later

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Sunset Shimmer feels mistreated at Canterlot High and wants to go back to Equestria. She asks Twilight to convince the Princess to let her return. Adventure ensues and possibly a romance between the Princess's student and ex-student.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 39 )

Is Spike going to die? (I don't care if he lives or dies.)

5156587 No spike will not die in this story

This story contains SunLight?

You had my curiosity, now you have my full attention!

The concept is good. I'm not sure what's off about the writing. ... Pacing, maybe. Not separating thoughts from the body of the story somehow, usually by italicizing them. It's kind of strange we get Sunset's thoughts at all since the story's perspective is mostly neutral and otherwise Twilight-focused.

Still, the premise was fun. Keep it up!

5158890 I know it's a bit fast pace, that's how I enjoy writing. I will try and go at a slower pace. Thanks for the advice!

Okay, first impressions:
1. The pacing seems off, sometimes there's absolutely no buildup, it's just "And then she started crying. Just like that."
2. Characters jump between emotions too much and the emotions themselves are too strong for some situations. Sometimes a frown, or a single tear would fit better, than bawling the eyes out on the floor, in a pool of tears. It seems overexeggrated.
3. Celestia is out of character and is inconsistent. At first she's like "Oh, yeah, I hope what you say is true, I would love to be friends with Sunset again!" and next moment she's all like "Get off of me you filthy peasant, I still hate you from the deep of my heart!". She might've been harsh, but come on, not to that degree!
4. You do not use synonyms. There's "paralell world" all over the place. Try replacing it sometimes with "human world" or "other world".
Same goes for reoccuring "seven of them", "six of them" and so on. "The group", "the group of friends", "Twilight and friends" - so many alternatives!
5. Tenses may be screwed up a bit in at least one place. Or it is just a matter of me not being a native speaker.

Overall a good story. Not great, not bad, simply decent.
But you get a huge trust credit from me, since it's SunLight, one of the most underappreciated and overlooked ships :twilightsmile:

The problems have been listed before, I also noticed that Shining is also OOC here. He also mentioned that Luna had to take over when Sunset left... kinda hard to do that when she's banished to the moon?

Well i don´t think every new fanfiction about Sunset have to start exactly there, but this isn´t alternive Universe tag. I am not complaining right now, i just looks lie everyone start´s there. But if she is going to be in Ponyville i just hope they don´t talk to much about the Human world.

Celestia was the one who banished you here

I honestly don´t remember it, but i think Celestia said that Sunset was fleeing into the Human world. (Maybe i make a mistake because of another fanfic)

Right now it let me think, that everyone who is trying to be a little bit bad, get banished, has Celestia a nickname for that already?:derpytongue2:
Maybe thaat would make a great change and take some eforts, but she should probably replace all the guards, maybe they are only paranoid.

This is not a criticism, but isn´t she already understanding friendship if she is able to transform? I want to believe that not everyone who has not a that great friendshipt would be able to transorm like them.

I don’t think we will ever be friends after what you have done, but I am willing to give you a chance to prove yourself to me.”

That sounds a bit off for me, because i remember she said she want to be friends with her again. Well i guess you have your own reason there, i just want to understand. If she don´t see her it looks like she is missing her, and if she is there Celestia hate her. I think i am just thinking, that she could use other words for it. After i read the whole thing i understand a bit what she want to say, but she makes it harder for herself, for both of them if she really want o be friends with her again.


Well i like the story, but i don´t like it that i already know when the story probably ends. Well for the clop, if you want to write a few scenes for the story, maybe you should make an extra place for the clopparts. Just make a stop in the story and add the Clop to the extra collection for the Clopparts of the story. (I hope you can understand enough ofmy grammar to be sure what i mean.:derpytongue2:)

5162366 ok this is going to be my response to all the people who are saying that it's not show accurate. I am trying to make this story as show accurate as possible, but there are some changes that I have made to the show because it fits better into my story. Also some of the problems people have been mentioning about show accuracy, I am using bits from past stories of mine, like Princess Luna not being banished.

5163676 Thank you for responding to the question if I should make clop for it or not. To answer your question about why I said sunset was banished, I know she was not banished. However, I thought it would be better if she was in my story. Please also read my response below for more of an explanation. Also, I believe that just because she transformed does not mean she has learned all she needed to know about friendship.

5164929 Well thank you, it helps that you explained it for us and answered to my question. Sometimes i just need to know why someone decited to write it this way.

Like i said, now i am ok with it and i keep track of it. It is just to early for me to say top-favourite, just favourite or not.

Why is it a tragedy? (Need to know to see if I want to read or not)

5167234 It's a tragedy because of a future chapter involving a tragic incident.

5167373 How bad is the tragedy? Charactar death?

5167834 I'm not going to ruin future chapters by telling what is in them, all I'm going to say is one of the characters gets into a incedent that the character may die in or get horribly wounded.

5168277 Alright. I will keep reading and hope it isnt Twilight or Sunset.

5164929 Well, even so, this Celestia seems a bit too out of character for me, particularly in the harshness and lack of forgiveness degrees. But I am interested to see where you will be going with this.

Okay, so Sunset was Celestia's student before Twilight. Luna returned during Twilight's time as her student. So it's not possible for Luna to have ruled alone for a few days while Celestia was crying. Also, some of the dialogue feels really unnatural, especially Shining's. Celestia seems pretty out of character. Seems good otherwise.

ill be watchin

Hopefully you are still writing this story. I am interested in it. Things don't exactly line up with canon, but this Fanfiction so I am saying these happened because the past was different. I can't wait to read more Sunlight! I really love this ship for some reason. I wish there were more Sunlight stories out there. I am waiting for the next chapter.

5378769 yeah to all the people who are wondering when the next chapter is, I apologize for not having it out by now. It is about half way done and then I need to get it to my editor. I have been busy with finals and college, but now that is over I should be able to write more often.

Comment posted by GenesisArtz deleted Jan 4th, 2015

love this story hope more soon

So, is this story dead...or what?

5963664 that´s what i wanted to ask, i have many storys from last yeat, that just don´t coninue, i know that this story had to be somehow good, otherwise i would not keep track of it.
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Sooo.....i want to ask too, any new chapters soon? Is this story dead?

This sounds like a really good story.I hope you eventually update.

Do you have an editor? If not, I am of service. If yes, I suggest firing them.

(Exit stage left)

6507726 No I don't have an editor, personally I don't think I need one. Yeah I know I am going to make mistakes, if they are major people will comment on it and I will fix it. But minor spelling issues to me are not a problem, I am doing this for fun and not for popularity or as a job. Thanks for the offer though.

I was hoping this story would get updated.

“Oh you know, Discord trying to take over Equestria, the changlings invading Canterlot, and Tirek trying to steal every pony’s power.” Celestia said nonchalantly.

I honestly don´t mind it, but I guess the story changed from what you would have written, because of all the new stuff that happened right?, or do you just continue somewhere in the middle? I would be honestly like that I guess, it doesn´t have to continue after the last available episode.

Honestly I liked the episode with Raritys new shop, or at least the idea, but somehow I didn´t liked it that much to notice, that you probably just added the new stuff, to something that probably was supposed to happen in a different way after you had written it last year.
I guess I just hoped for something that started somewhere in the middle again.

However I probably read everything again next time, to remember everything, and I´m just glad that it is alive again.

That was a pretty interesting chapter. Seeing Celestia and Sunset spending time together was great. I can't wait for more.

My butt is the best butt.

Have some pony attempt to harm Twilight because Celestia was to be there and have sunset catch the villain before the week is up.

Where is the rest of the story?

5963664
yeah I think it's dead

5 years later still waiting for the update .... PLEASE COME BACK!🙏😭

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