Pony World Problems

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Trotting Day

Hours later, Shining Armor and Flash Sentry sat at a table in Sugarcube Corner with mugs of coffee.

Shining took a long, dainty sip.

Flash Sentry just stared soullessly into space.

After the space of a few minutes, Shining Armor looked over. He leaned in, sniffed, then muttered. "Now who smells like apricot?" He took another sip, swallowed, then droned, "And lavender and jasmine and eucalyptus..."

"I'll never wash the perfume out," Flash murmured, one orange eyebrow twitching. "Not in a million baths."

"It's okay, Lieutenant." Shining patted his armored shoulder. "It'll fix itself in the end."

"What if it d-doesn't?" Flash grimaced. "What if the smell stays with me my entire career?" He gulped. "What will the other stallions in the royal locker-rooms say?" He gulped again. "Or the showers?"

"Unless you get stationed in San Franciscolt, I doubt it'll be an issue."

"And I went through all of that for what?!" Flash frowned briefly. "The moment the mares came to, all three of them walked off, came upon a pack of roaches, and collapsed again." He grimaced. "I don't know how this 'Pinkie Pie' does it, but I feel like she should share her trade secrets."

"Some enigmas stand to never be understood."

"I graduated top of my class from Whinny Point." Flash gulped some coffee down and sputtered, "Whinny Point! I should be charging into a rampaging mob of armored wildebeests, not reducing myself to point stallion of the Nuzzle Brigade."

"Yeah, well..." Shining Armor shrugged. "Wildebeests don't surf."

Cup Cake waddled up with a plate of doughnuts. "Well well well! Look who's back!" She placed the treats down and smiled. "No luck in catching those problems, then?"

"Ma'am..." Shining Armor glanced up with dull eyes. "Today, we rescued a cat out of a tree, comforted three mares frightened by a spider, got a mailmare's hoof unstuck from a post box, herded a pair of belligerent sheep into their pen, and lectured an entire schoolroom of foals to tears."

"Ah." Cup Cake blinked. "I see." She smiled. "So it was a productive day?! I'm so happy to hear that!"

"Ma'am, you don't understand!" Shining Armor grumbled. "When we came here, we expected to deal with robberies, assault and battery, natural disasters, and magical abominations!"

"Good heavens, no!" Cup Cake reeled, grimacing. "In Ponyville?"

"But... but..." Flash Sentry spoke up, voice cracking. "Princess Twilight Sparkle has written about all sorts of terrible things... like parasprites, ursa minors, diamond dogs—you know—the works."

"Hmmmm..." Cup Cake's plump muzzle scrunched up in thought. "Let's see, now... Parasprites... ursa minors... diamond dogs..." She brightened. "Oh! But of course! We've had those!"

"Yeah?" Shining Armor leaned forward. "And?"

Cup Cake giggled. "Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends took care of 'em!"

Shining Armor slumped back in his seat with a sigh. "...I was afraid of that."

"And I'm afraid that I don't get you, dearie."

"Ma'am, I am a Captain of the Royal Guard," Shining Armor said. "My career, my life, my talents—Tartarus—even my damnable cutie mark is all about the military!" He frowned. "My entire purpose is to help equines, serve justice, and defend harmony! And yet, in spite of all that..." He slapped his hoof across the table. "My little sister—a magician and a librarian—grows up to save more pony lives in more pony places doing more pony things than I ever have in my entire pony life!"

Flash Sentry's eyes darted towards Shining, then down at the table.

With a heavy sigh, Shining hung his head. "I love my sister. I adore her. But..." A slight whimper. "There's only so much embarrassment a stallion can take..."

"Well... I-I wouldn't b-be so quick to look down upon your own accomplishments!" Cup Cake smiled. "After all, it's never written anywhere that you necessarily have to be an alicorn princess to make a difference in this world! Why... I hear there's a strong, handsome stallion who captains the guard up in the Crystal Empire, and you don't see anypony questioning his standings!"

Flash Sentry winced.

"... ... ..." Shining Armor glared across the table. "Madame, that handsome stallion is me, Shining Armor, and I only ever got that 'standing' by marrying an alicorn princess."

"Oh... uhm... oh dear..." Cup Cake fidgeted. "That's... uh... I... erm..." She gasped, smiling. "You haven't divorced her yet! That's a good sign! R-right...?"

"Unghhhhhh..." THWUMP! Shining Armor headdesk'd.

"Tell you what!" Cup Cake raised a hoof. "I know just the thing for what ails you! Hold on for one second, dearies! I'll be right back!"

Within a minute, the mare had returned, hauling with her two large mugs of foamy yellow liquid.

"Sweet Apple Acres Cider!" Cl-Clunk! She slapped both containers onto the tabletop like a bar maid and smiled pleasantly. "These should wash your troubles clean out of your handsome heads! It certainly does the job for my husband whenever he goes searching for pegasi and unicorns in the ol' Cake family tree! Heeheehee!" A twitching smile.

"Please, madame..." Shining waved a hoof. "We couldn't..."

"Oh, I insist!" Cup Cake pointed. "It's on the house!" And she waddled away.

Shining sighed out his nostrils. He reached a lazy hoof out and dragged one of the mugs toward him. "Hrmmm..." He sniffed and sniffed. "I've read letters from Twily concerning Applejack's brew..."

"Captain, permission to speak freely."

"You've spoken, flown, and nuzzled freely all day, Lieutenant," Shining muttered. "What's stopping you now?"

"I mean... should we... that is to say, is it appropriate to... erm..."

"Hmmm?"

Flash gulped and pointed at the mug in Shining's grasp. "The drink, sir. Is it the right thing to indulge in at the moment? I mean, we're still technically on duty."

"Lieutenant..." Shining pointed out the red-tinted window of Sugarcube Corner. "It's nearly six o'clock in the afternoon. Princess Twilight Sparkle is just hours away from returning. What could possibly happen in this boring-as-biscuits town between now and then? Hmm? You wanna bet a chimney will get blocked up? Or maybe some little foal's ball will get lost on the other side of a neighbor's fence? Or maybe some mares will be frightened by a moth and need more intense cuddles?"

Flash shuddered, but nevertheless said, "I-I was just taught that drinking while on duty was a big no-no and—"

"Really? Apple Cider?" Shining Armor smirked as he raised the mug toward his lips. "Relax, Lieutenant. How could the innocent prancing farm ponies of this town possibly make something that could intoxicate a flea, much less well-guarded soldiers such as ourselves?"

Comments

[djthomp]

Famous last words, for sure.

[keaton-furman-prower]

...They're now officially doomed

[MLPfan438]

5157339 yep

[MustacheMerlin]

Famous last words.

Three hours later:
Twilight stood in shock at the sight before her. Ponyville, after just one day left alone, was in chaos. The kind of chaos that would make Discord cringe in sympathy. Derpy Hooves had her head stuck in a mailbox, the CMC were stuck up in a tree. Spike, Spike the dragon, was running around in panic, somehow on fire. As she watched, Spike tried to put out the fire by rolling around in the dry autumn grass. Parasprites ravaged the town, eating the giant gingerbread house that was sugar cube corner right before her eyes. A bunny stampede ran through the now burning grass, trampling Spike.
She looked back at her friends. Pinkie was looking at the spot where her home and workplace had once stood with a look of utter horror in her eyes, Fluttershy was hiding in a nearby bush, Rarity had procured a couch from somewhere and was now passed out on it, AJ was nowhere to be found, and Rainbow Dash was laughing so hard that Twilight worried for her sanity.
Aj appeared at her side, a mischievous grin on her face. "Five bits says Shining found the special cider"
Twilight only shook her head and face hoofed when she noticed her brother passed out in a tree, an empty cider-mug still hanging from his hoof.

[howard035]

Point Stallion of the Nuzzle Brigade wears tear-away armor to batchlorette parties, doesn't he?

[RoboRed]

He had to go and say it...

[Bad_Seed_72]

It certainly does the job for my husband whenever he goes searching for pegasi and unicorns in the ol' Cake family tree! Heeheehee!" A twitching smile.

Somethin' you need to tell us, Cup?

[ShadowLDrago]

So Shining, what do you want written on your tombstone?

[Crazy the Clone]

There is a reason why it's called hard cider, Shining Armor.

[Acadians6545]

6871472
Here lies shining armor. He fucked a princess...that is all.