Pony World Problems

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Lethal Whinny

"Zzzzzz-zznkkkkt-Shnorrrrrrrrrrrrr!" The Sheriff slept against his desktop, drool collecting across his thin, papery mustache.

Shining Armor and Flash Sentry stood side by side in his office. The two guards were dead silent.

"Shnorrrrrrrrr-Crkkkkt—zzzz... Shnorrrrrrrrr!"

Shining Armor blinked.

Flash Sentry squirmed, his shoulderplates rattling as he glanced at a three-month-late calendar hanging crookedly from the wall.

"Shnorrrrrrr—Hrmmmfff... nngh... Fleur Dis Lee... th-that's right... don't stopppp-shnkkktt—Shnorrrrrrrrrrr..." The Sheriff bore a sleepy grin as he nuzzled the edge of the desk.

"Ahem." Shining Armor leaned forward. "Sir?"

The officer kept snoring.

"...Sheriff, sir?"

More wood-sawing.

"Hey!" Flash Sentry smiled, pointing at a poster on the wall. "They're holding the Summer Sun Celebration here!"

"Lieutenant, it's October," Shining droned. A beat. "And this year's Summer Sun Celebration was in Stalliongrad."

Flash Sentry winced. "Oh."

"See if the Deputy knows what's going on here," Shining ordered.

On quiet hooves, Flash Sentry trotted to the adjacent wall and opened the appropriate office door. The sound of snoring breaths immediately doubled. Grimacing, Flash turned and looked at the Captain with a shrug.

Shining Armor face-hoofed with a sigh. When he looked up, he was frowning. "Sheriff?!"

The aged stallion answered with a brief snort, but kept slumbering.

"Lieutenant," Shining mumbled. "If you don't mind—"

"HEY!" Flash hovered above the desk, bellowing like a drill sergeant. "WAKE UP IN THE NAME OF THE ROYAL GUARD!" He banged the wall with an iron-plated hoof.

"Waaaaiie!" The Sheriff shot up in his stool, bleary-eyed. "Honey, I-I dunno how those magazines got under the mattress! I swear!" He blinked, then leaned forward. "Captain Shining Armor?"

"Good morning, Sheriff." Shining glared. "At least... it will still be morning for another three hours—"

"EXPLAIN YOUR HYPERSOMNIA TO THE CAPTAIN THIS INSTA—"

"That's enough, Lieutenant, thank you."

"Er... y-yes sir."

"Hah!" The Sheriff stifled a yawn and leaned back in his stool with a happy grin. "The Captain of the Royal Guard! Right here in Ponyville! Who'd a thunk it?!"

"Actually, sir, I was hoping you would have 'thunk it,'" Shining said. "The Lieutenant and I have arrived from the Crystal Empire, courtesy of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, to oversee the official protection of this town in the absence of Princess Twilight Sparkle throughout the course of the day."

"Eh..." The Sheriff reached into his desk and slapped a pair of glasses over his nose and mustache. "Twilight Sparkle? You mean she's a princess now?"

"Sheriff, did you or didn't you receive the Royal Memo?!" Shining growled.

"You betcha!" The Sheriff reached deep into a hideously large wad of papers labeled 'Inbox' and pulled out a single sheet. "Got it three weeks ago, as a matter of fact! Says here that your armored flank's scheduled to visit a town called 'Alliahuod!'" He winked. "And here you thought you could catch us Ponyville peace-keepers with our saddles down!"

"Sheriff, there is no such town named 'Alliahuod' in all of Equestria."

"There ain't?" The Sheriff blinked, then blinked again. He looked down at the sheet, then with two graying hooves he spun it around one hundred and eighty degrees. His face instantly paled, and within seconds he was jumping up to his hooves, saluting. "Welcome t-to Ponyville, C-Captain!"

"Look..." Shining sighed, waving a fetlock. "All we wish is to be briefed on the duties required of us, where our patrol is supposed to take us through town, who we're supposed to talk to. That sort of a thing."

"Oh... I-I can do that!" The Sheriff fidgeted with his gold badge. "I think."

"Would you mind waking your Deputy—?"

In one fell swoop, the Sheriff picked his stool up and tossed it into the next room. Crassh! "Hey Carl!" he hollered. "Wake the buck up! Captain Shining Armor's in town!"

"Augh! Larry?! What gives?!" A voice warbled from inside. "And what's a 'Shining Armor?'"

The Captain facehoofed. "Luna, spare me..."

Flash Sentry leaned in. "M-maybe it's Discord clouding their minds...?"

"Lieutenant, shhhh!"

"Oh!" An even older stallion waddled in, a stool hanging loosely off his wrinkled neck. "So that's a Shining Armor!" The Deputy smiled tiredly and shook Flash Sentry's plate-capped hoof. "Pleased to meet you, Captain. Wow... they sure roll you out of Whinny Point super young, don't they?"

"Uhhhhhhh..." Flash Sentry winced, sweating.

"Does this town..." Captain Shining Armor fidgeted. "...have a mandatory retirement age?"

"I dunno, does it?" The Deputy glanced around, then rubbed his chin. "Hmmm... I should ask one of my neigbhors when I return to the retirement home tonight."

"Oh goddess..."

Meanwhile, the Sheriff strolled up, resting a proud hoof on either guard's shoulders. "Carl, these royal guardfolks have come to look over the town while Princess Twilight Sparkle's gone."

"Twilight Sparkle's a princess?!" the Deputy gasped.

"I know! Ain't it spiffy?"

"Hmmm!" The Deputy folded his bony forelimbs. "Heh! As if! Next thing you'll tell me that the library blew up!"

"Please, we're eager to get started with our patrol," Shining Armor grumbled.

"What's the hurry, young'n?" The Sheriff asked, grinning. "Ain't like the town's gonna start flying off its roots!" He blinked, then rubbed his head. "'Cept for the one time that dragonequus fella did it."

"Oh yeah." The Deputy nodded. "What was his name? Steve?"

"And it's not like some evil sorceress is gonna saunter on up and put our whole village beneath a giant glass jar!" The Sheriff smiled, then blinked. "Wait..."

"Look..." Shining Armor held his hooves up. "Let me make this simple." He stared firmly at both officers. "Just tell us what you two normally do on patrol, and we'll start from there."

Comments

[Georg]

Very nice. I've always pictured Ponyville as a town so small that the local sherrif office is run by their only prisoner (and a Help Wanted : Sherrif sign is outside on the door), but this is very nice indeed.

[keaton-furman-prower]

So that explains why law enforcement is Ponyville sucks

[MLPfan438]

i love the story so far

[pahnazd]

"Just tell us what you two normally do on patrol, and we'll start from there."

"Basically, captain, what you saw us doing when you entered these premises."

[MustacheMerlin]

I thought Granny Smith was the sheriff though!

[RoboRed]

"Twilight Sparkle's a princess?!" the Deputy gasped.

"I know! Ain't it spiffy?"

"Hmmm!" The Deputy folded his bony forelimbs. "Heh! As if! Next thing you'll tell me that the library blew up!"

*huehuehue*

[CrystalWaters]

"Sheriff, there is no such town named 'Alliahuod' in all of Equestria."

"There ain't?" The Sheriff blinked, then blinked again. He looked down at the sheet, then with two graying hooves he spun it around one hundred and eighty degrees.

That emotion having been expressed, I would like to mention how nicely you've transcribed an inverted "Ponyville".

Kudos.

[fractalman]

"I dunno, does it?" The Deputy glanced around, then rubbed his chin. "Hmmm... I should ask one of my neigbhors when I return to the retirement home tonight."

[Acadians6545]

Steve?"

I'm sorry but I have to make the reference.
COME TO ME MY ARMY OF STEVES!

[KvAT]

10052560
No! Anyone but Steve!