Sunset Shimmer's Vacation in Equestria

by dbzponyninja

A Walk Around Ponyville

Sunset Shimmer told her friend "Hey Princess Twilight I bet you're wondering why i'm here, well back in Canterlot City it's vacation time and I decided to spend vacation time in Equestria more particularly here in Ponyville where I can hang out and have fun with you and your friends."

Princess Twilight told Sunset Shimmer "I'm so glad that you're here Sunset Shimmer."

Pinkie Pie said in her high pitch high energy voice that she talks in "Oh my we can have a Welcome Back To Equestria, Sunset Shimmer Is On Vacation Party."

Sunset Shimmer told Pinkie Pie "That actually sounds nice but maybe later today I kind of want to just take a walk around Ponyville, Princess Twilight will you show me around?"

Princess Twilight asked Sunset Shimmer "You've never been to Ponyville before even when you used to live in Equestria?"

Sunset Shimmer told her "Not really i've only been in Canterlot and The Crystal Empire."

Rarity told Sunset Shimmer in the British accent with a hint of high society thrown in there that she talks in "Oh Sunset darling when you get done you simply must come to Carousel Boutique so that I can make you a dress."

Sunset Shimmer told her "Wow thank you i'll be sure to do that."

Before Princess Twilight started walking with Sunset Shimmer around Ponyville Spike asked if he could come along and Sunset Shimmer told him "Sure you're my friend too Spike, of course you can come along."

Princess Twilight told him "You heard her Spike, let's go."

So Princess Twilight and Spike walked with Sunset Shimmer around Ponyville and even introduced them to some of her other friends around town who aren't Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash or Rarity such as Derpy Hooves, Cheerilee, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, Big Macintosh and The Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Sunset Shimmer told Princess Twilight "Wow Princess Twilight I can't believe it all of the ponies we met today act and even look a little bit like people I both know and have met in Canterlot City."

Princess Twilight suggested to her "Why don't we just refer to it as the human world."

Sunset Shimmer agreed with her and said "Ok human world it is."

Princess Twilight asked her "By the way speaking of the human world you haven't really mentioned much about The Sirens while writing to me, what have they been up to now that they can't put anybody under a spell through singing?"

Sunset Shimmer told her "I'm not sure ,really some days they show up to school but some days they don't so I can't really say i've seen much of them lately."

Princess Twilight told her "Hmm interesting."

Princess Twilight then told Sunset Shimmer and Spike "Let's go to see Rarity right now I promise you're going to love her dresses."

Sunset Shimmer told Princess Twilight "If they're anything like the dresses that Rarity makes back in the human world then i'll have to agree with you."

So Sunset Shimmer, Princess Twilight and Spike went to Carousel Boutique were Sunset Shimmer asked Rarity to make her a beautiful orange dress that looks similar to the mini skirt that she wears back in the human world except it's a dress so it's longer.

Anyway Sunset Shimmer told Rarity while giving her a hug at the same time "Oh thank you Rarity, I love this dress so much thank you."

Rarity told Sunset Shimmer as she returned the hug "You're welcome dear, i'm glad that you like it."

Anyway Princess Twilight, Rarity, Sunset Shimmer and Spike all went to Sugarcube Corner where Pinkie Pie threw her a party.

However at the party Sunset Shimmer told all of the ponies there as she started to cry tears of joy "Thank you everypony you've all made me feel welcomed and I really appreciate it but most of all I want to thank Pinkie Pie for throwing this party, thank you Pinkie Pie, thank you very much."

Anyway everypony and Spike are enjoying the party but at the party Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon approach Sunset Shimmer and Lyra asks Sunset Shimmer "So i've heard that you've been to a place called the human world?"

Sunset Shimmer thinks to herself outloud "You are just like the Lyra from the human world she acted the same way when she found out that I came from Equestria."

Comments

[lazyreader19]

Not going to lie. Reaaallllllyyy interesting premise, that's what got me to read it, but really jumpy writing.

When I say jump, I mean every word and sentence feels like you are jumping from point A to B to C, uber sequential. Its like rather than drawing a curve, you are making a bunch of connected dots that try to form a curve.

I'd recommend letting the story take its time, describe more of the background, let there be longer sentences said in a conversation other than a sequence of tiny sentences.

To put it simply, I think you should flesh it out more in the future, maybe spruce up the first two chapters. (don't mistake this as advice for writing too many useless details either, just a little smoothing out is all)

I don't want you to think I'm trying to put you down, I am just trying to give you some advice. Because this does seem like an interesting premise, and id love to read more if the plot can be as engaging as the premise is.

Good luck and have fun with future chapters, I hope my advice was more helpful than antagonistic.

[dbzponyninja]

5176850 Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.

[SnowFallMLP]

Great story just cut down on the "Princess Twilight" a bit. It got a bit annoying after a while. other that that, very good!

[lazyreader19]

5177460
Funny enough it feels in character for Sunset. She's not around as much so she didn't get the "don't call me princess" thing beaten into her like her friends. Also she writes in the book and writes letters much like the whole "Princess Celestia" routine.

Though maybe have Twilight make it known that she doesn't have to address her by her Princess, that'd be natural for Twilight. Just my two cents on that.

[dbzponyninja]

5178160 You just gave me a idea for the next chapter, thank you.

[lazyreader19]

5178198
No problem! Looking forward to seeing what you have in store next

[MythrilMoth]

You've got a nice premise here. Unfortunately, there's one small problem...

You don't know how to write.

I'm just going to be honest and straightforward about it:

You do not know how to write.

Have you read? Ever? Like, anything? At all? Because if you have, it doesn't show. A writer must first be a reader, because the only way to learn how to write is to read.

What I'm seeing here tells me you don't read.

Let me give you a few examples of what's wrong with this.

Rainbow Dash tells all of her friends "I'm inviting every single of one you to come with me to the beach tomorrow, we're going to relax on the beach and surf the waves together and just for Rarity we'll even put down time to go shopping at some point so what do you say wanna come with me?"

First off, you're not using any punctuation to separate attribution from quotes, which is a style rules violation. More than that, the way you're constructing quotes and attributions doesn't follow English language logic. This is how the above SHOULD be written:

"I'm inviting every single one of you to come with me to the beach tomorrow," Rainbow Dash says. "We'll go surfing and shopping and whatever else you want to do. So, who wants to come along?"

Another example of problems with your writing style:

Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity all agreed that they wanted to go along with her however Sunset Shimmer had other plans in mind.

Sunset Shimmer told her "Wow thank you Rainbow Dash but i'll have to decline I have other plans in mind."

You're doing two things wrong here on top of breaking style rules:

1. You're doing a lot of telling but no showing whatsoever. Instead of telling the reader the others all agreed to go with Rainbow, SHOW THEM agreeing:

"Sure, I'll go!" Applejack says.

"Sounds like fun! I'm in!" Pinkie says.

"Oh, shopping down by the beach would be lovely! Not to mention getting a tan. Count me in too, darling!" Rarity said.

And so forth.

2. Redundancy. You tell the reader Sunset Shimmer has other plans, then you have her saying she has other plans. There is no reason to have both things there.

Another problem:

Rarity asked her in the high society with a hint of British accent that she talks

Describing the characters' voices is...annoying. We know what they sound like. There's no reason whatsoever to do this.

And one more thing:

Your chapters are entirely too short, and that's going to turn away a LOT of readers.

I've taken a quick glance through your other stories, and this is apparently a pattern for you. Your stories are all this badly written, heavily downvoted...I don't know if anyone has bothered to try to explain to you what I'm telling you, because I'm not going to read through every comment on every one of your stories, but based on what I'm seeing here, you've been at this for some time now and have made no apparent improvement whatsoever. So either nobody's telling you what you're doing wrong, or they're telling you and you simply aren't listening.

Whatever the case is, I'm telling you now:

You don't know what the hell you're doing, and you need to stop, step back, and try reading and LEARNING HOW TO WRITE before you try writing again. Because right now? You're pretending to write. You have a good idea here but you're half-assing it and your idea deserves better than that.

Learn to write, then try again.

[Mix-Tape Mare]

5204847

You're wasting your breath, I'm afraid. He has been told this, repeatedly, by dozens of other people, and yet he continues to turn out this juvenile sub-literate slop without the slightest indication of having heard a word anyone's said to him.