The Guy who wrote "Dibs on My Sister". Prereader for Firesight, writer of erotic fanfiction and lover of Eeveelutions.
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Lily Valley understands the pain of living with roommates. Sitting down one morning with cereal already poured, she's confronted with the horror of being out of milk. She's sure it must have been Roseluck again, but whatever the case she needs to go buy more. Will she brave the streets of Ponyville to claim her mundane prize? Or will she bring home something much more valuable?
Told from the perspective of Lily Valley.
Edited by the esteemed, Firesight.
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If anyone is wondering why this story looks so polished compared to my last one, you can thank Firesight. He not only corrected my spelling, he pushed me to improve what I already wrote into something better. Thanks friend, I owe you one.
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Edit: If you read all of this in the Applejack voice, consider yourself awesome.
Cute!
Hang in there and keep writing. You've clearly got potential, and it looks like you're genuine about trying to learn and improve. I look forward to reading more from you in the future!
That was pretty nice. I really like the way you characterized Lily. It just seems fitting for her, somehow. Also, there still aren't enough stories just about her.
5240054 Thank you. I haven't got anything in mind yet as far as another story. To be honest, this was more of an exercise. My first story was so poorly written, I decided to set hurdles to climb in the form of short story challenges, designed to enforce good writing habits. This challenge was to develop a character arc in two-thousand words or less, which is why the plot is so thin. I failed on the word count, but I liked the end result enough that I decided to go with it.
I feel every word counted, and I'm happy with it. I'll try not to let you down in the future.
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5240376
I wouldn't worry too much about the length - if anything it's better to go over rather than under. Let yourself tell the story that you want to tell, and focus on making that something you can be happy with, and you'll do fine.
Like here... I appreciated that you did take the time to get a little more into the characters and have them connect with the reader before establishing the primary scene of Lily freaking out at being around other ponies. You put some effort into making her a person, instead of solely her psychological problem wrapped in a pony skin, and that's what makes it a story and not either a series of events or a poorly-disguised lecture about an issue. Those are pitfalls that I see a lot of newer authors fall into, and so I appreciate your efforts.
There's still some room for improvement in some of the description, such as possibly more clearly setting the stage for her freak-out, but that's the sort of thing that comes with practice and trying different things. (And everyone, myself emphatically included, needs practice and experimentation to improve)
5240310 Lily Valley has the downside of not being Roseluck and gets passed over a lot by the fandom; it's a real shame. She's really cute, and she had that priceless moment I used as the cover image to this story. I will likely use Lily as the leading mare in a story again sometime, once I've sanded down my rough spots.
5240902
Do you mean establishing her social anxiety more clearly before she had her freak-out, or are you saying my story's description needs to establish this as a plot point? I really appreciate the feedback by the way
, not a single person saw fit to actually offer any useful criticism of the content of my last story, and it made me very sad.
Or perhaps they were too focused on lack of proper paragraphs. All water under the bridge I guess.
5241959
Not so much establishing it before, as establishing it during. There's just a mention of there being more ponies, but it's harder to actually visualize Lily and Carrot Top in that setting, right before she jumps into freak-out. You could have potentially drawn it out a bit more... Perhaps have it start to happen gradually, Carrot Top talking throughout, as Lily notices the ponies and reassures herself. But then they enter the market, the space grows smaller, maybe something flavorful happens like a stallion walking by and brushing right up against Lily while muttering an 'excuse me' - the kind of stuff that fills out the scene. Right now you have some basic stabs in that direction, but the readers see the freak-out and infers the causes, rather than feeling the causes that then lead to the understandable freak-out. Or like the line about the jelly cart - it's a good thing that shows you're thinking about place, but it's not actually ever mentioned before or after, so it sticks out. And then it's unclear where they are when they have the heart-to-heart immediately after - is this someplace out of the way and quieter? I guess, but it's not actually stated.
It's definitely possible to overdo description, and in many ways it's a question of style, but maybe something to consider playing with more for next time?
5242026 That makes perfect sense. Thank you for elaborating on that.
My prediction for the ending was a surprise party.
Incredibly relate-able story for some. And just all around huggably sweet. If there was an episode that dealt with social anxiety, this would be the one I'd want to watch.
10/10 for saving the world of Lily from dry cereal.
5324911 Thank you very much for your sincere, heartfelt compliment.
5325285 You earned it. Certainly been a long time since I was able to enjoy a good flower trio ponies story. Hope to see more from you in the coming months.
I liked this. No, I loved this. I my self struggle every single day, at school and out in public, with feeling judged for every step I take. I struggle with letting people in and know how I really feel. I struggle with learning to know new people and I struggle with socialising in general.
This was extremely relatable and though it may seem silly, saying it about a pony fanfic, I have as I read this felt encouraged to deal with my own fears. I don't get how you managed to set your self in our situation and describe it this well, but I love it and I thank you for publishing it here so I could read it.
5471963 At least half of Lily's internal monologue is stuff I've used myself to justify the wall. In writing, I've found a way to see things from the outside and it's been a real educational experience. It isn't silly at all in being inspired by a pony fanfic either. Pony fiction has covered a wide range of subjects from sexuality to death and decay in a post-apocalyptic Equestria. Bronys aren't just a fandom but a culture with music, arts and letters. I'm very happy you were able to carry something away from reading this, and know that there is a friend out there for you too.
5472039
I recognised some stuff from there, too. My friends always try to get me out and around more, and try to get me to let loose more, seeing as they have no problems social what so ever, but I find it hard. I can imagine...
Your right, it's not silly, it doesn't matter what form it is, if you get something out of the text, something help and supporting, something that encourage you to do great things.
Wow. Lily is totally me here. Poor Lily. She needed a hug.
5651498 I've had many similar comments. I'm touched that people have found some measure of empathy for her situation, and enjoyed this short, unassuming little tale.
I thought it would be better to put said thoughts on their respective story.
This one is just precious~ actually made me feel like Lilly Valley, and considering i read this before Fertile Ground, imagine how much more real it made reading it after this. Really nice to take a break from the clop every now and again though, just most E rated fics don't catch my interest, I think I only found this because of one of the other stories, glad I did though~
Now if only we had a look into the life of Daisy (what was the second half of her name again?). Hint hint?~~
6443992
The incident in this story occurred at the end of The Scent of Prey. Fertile Ground wasn't even a twinkle in my eye when it was conceived. That said, the way Lily and Roseluck are portrayed in my all of my fics is universal, making this an AU version of FG if you desire.
What an interesting idea! FG was my first attempt at fleshing out the Daisy character in any of my stories. I could go into detail about how she and Roseluck met, hit it off, and became business partners. I could even go into the time Lily Valley showed up in Ponyville after leaving Hoofington, and fell in love with Roseluck — all told from the eyes of Daisy or perhaps another third-person voyage.
I like your idea!
Daisy is the fan-name assigned to the background pony "Flower Wishes." Since I'm a product of derpibooru's tagging system, I tend to go with the most popular tag on that website as the go-to name in canon/fanon disputes. Linky excluded.
6444140 what? I go by fandom names honestly, i called her Daisy before any of this.
You like ideas? I got hundreds of em.
6444930 I've love to hear your ideas for a Daisy fic, shoot me a PM, and I'll give you credit for the idea in the description on the completed story.
I suspect either she has a high-level social anxiety disorder or perhaps a past significant trauma that caused her to fear trusting others. Either way the silliness of the milk conundrum aside, I am glad that Carrot Top was able to break the first barrier.
11804553
Hey, I appreciate the comment! I saw you commented on TSoP as well. Did you find me through Firesight by any chance?
11805383
That sounds about right