• Published 23rd Oct 2014
  • 1,839 Views, 97 Comments

The Paragon Guard - Kaptein



The most elite and powerful guard directly in charge of Celestia's safety. They share a powerful sisterly and brotherly bond brought forth by the nonsense and antics caused by Celestia's sheer presence. Follow their day-to-day life.

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Date Night

I hate informal events. Birthday parties, Hearth’s Warming in July, New-Year’s parties, you name it. But experience has taught that by far the worst are date nights. They usually have minimal planning - and trying to discreetly secure the perimeter while keeping the general public out of the loop has been a nightmare all in itself. No matter what we or Intelligence did - somepony found out. Any chance to snap a picture or two of the Princess acting like anything but a Princess was usually eaten up by the media like Captain Stone Craft ate snack cakes.

I still remember the fallout from the annual pie-eating contest. Heavens-forbid the Princess were caught with so much as a crumb to mar her perfect pretty princess coat.

The Princess didn’t see fit to inform us why she was dating again, but judging by the low-profile nature of that night I suspect she just wanted to test the dating waters. I’d imagine being the immortal embodiment of the Sun could get lonely at times.

Still, usually the paparazzi weren’t so bad; all it took was a few disrupting spells from the unicorn Mage-Casters (cameras didn’t like magic) and the pegasi Flight-Masters kept a keen eye in the sky. The earth-pony Earth-Grinders were the muscle at the door.

Well - usually they weren’t a problem. The Princess wanted something a little different this time we were to come as - to borrow a term from the griffons - as plain-clothes civilians. No armour, no passive authority, nor any real room to be showy and flashy. It wasn’t all bad - Celestia had an enchantment on her to make her look like a simple pegasus, so our need for passive authority was at a low.

Passive authority...I like that term. It’s a little something I thought up. The whole point of the Paragon Guard is to keep the Princess safe and to make sure nopony tries anything suspicious. Very often just our sheer presence is enough to ‘passively’ make most think twice before doing something stupid.

However, we ran into a problem that night: a vile, mite-ridden excuse of a ‘reporter’ who’d caught wind of Celestia’s whereabouts. I swear, she’s using black magic to bug the palace halls.

Tale Spinner skulked the restaurant like an eager cougar hunting for fresh, young prey. A quill was tucked behind her ear and we could see a notebook folded into an armband. Her dress was overly frilly and quite frankly, sickeningly tacky. There was far too much pink.

Oh, we would have loved to just make her ‘disappear’ and it was well within our power to do so - but a pony like Tale Spinner had connections. Or blackmail material, whatever suits you better. One whiff of something bad happening to her, and a floodgate would be unleashed that we’d rather not deal with.

Too high-profile and too high-risk for us to deal with. We’d just have to clench our teeth and avoid the damned harpy’s attention as much as possible.

The lucky stallion didn’t even know who his date really was. All of our background checks on him came back clean. There was no history of deviance or crime on either side of his family tree and the unicorn himself was fairly well-accomplished: a painter, of all things! I mean, how boring and pretentious can you get? As far as he knew, the pretty pegasus mare sitting across from him was from a minor noble house - Sun Dazer, Celestia had called herself.

It was a pretty standard detail - we had one pegasus in the sky and one inside the restaurant. One unicorn and one earth pony patrolled the perimeter and another team were set up inside.

In hindsight, having Strawberry Drop and Apple Bake on a ‘date’ together wasn’t the brightest idea, Strawberry being the smallest Pegasus on the team currently and Apple Bake possibly being the largest Earth-Pony to have ever served the Paragon. The awkward shuffles and constant bumping against other tables and patrons drew a few odd looks and disgruntled mentions, but in the end the two managed to settle in and find a table for themselves.

At least Brambles was smart enough to take a table for herself. Of course somepony just had to hit on her. I swear that unicorn gets hit on or catcalled every darn mission. It doesn’t end well, with said pony usually left in tears and running away. Having your stallionhood poked fun at tended to be traumatising, doubly so when the mare doing it probably had bigger gonads than you ever could.

Lucky filly...I wish I could get ponies to hit on me like that...

Celestia, or ‘Sun Dazer’ as it were, seemed to be enjoying herself. The less she noticed us, the better, and so far things were going well. Earnest Stroke was well enamoured with his date and I could feel a good deal of pride as I saw ‘Sun Dazer’ was enjoying herself.

Another job well done.

Well, at least, it was supposed to be.

Like a curse from Murphy himself, a near-silent whisper only noticed by the Paragon wafted through the restaurant. It sent a chill up our spines, reminding us that dreams and hopes could still be crushed.

“I know that face…”

Leaf Brambles shifted in her seat, her eyes darting and fixing on Tale Spinner. Her horn already had a spell charging at its base. Apple Bake and Strawberry Drop tensed for just a moment, but not enough to give them away. Celestia remained completely oblivious to the whole situation.

Apple Bake has a very distinct shape and size, you see. He’s as large as a brick outhouse and probably the largest Paragon we’ve ever seen. Strawberry Drop had a bright red coat without her armour to mute her colours into the traditional white of the Royal Guard.

By now I had made my way in from outside, readying for the inevitable fallout to ensue. Tale Spinner made a beeline toward the large earth-pony.

“You,” she said, eyes narrowing as she pointed an accusatory hoof at Apple Bake. “We’ve met before, haven’t we?”

Apple kept his eyes forward for a moment, shooting a pleading look to Strawberry for a moment, before gulping down a nervous lump and turning to the unicorn ‘reporter’.

“No, ma’am, I don’t believe we have.” He was always respectful, every word far softer and kinder than his large build suggested.

Tale gave a dismissive wave. “No, no. I’m quite very sure we’ve met once before. At the Mayweather Faire last Spring.”

He froze. That event was nearly a disaster all in itself, but not for the same reasons things were about to fall apart now. Apple had met family there - and with the size of the Apple clan, it almost turned it into an unofficial reunion. It turned out to be a good thing, though. With the large crowd gathering, the local press didn’t get a chance to get anywhere close to the Princess.

“No, ma’am, I think you have me mistaken for somepony else,” Apple said timidly. Strawberry’s rock-rigid face was a sure sign of the absolute terror she was experiencing right now. She turned her eyes to Brambles, who just nodded back before getting up from her seat.

In one swift motion, Strawberry stood up from her chair, a sweet and falsetto smile plastered on her face. “Excuse me, dear. I just need to visit the little filly’s room.”

Tale Spinner waved dismissively at the pegasus before turning her full attention back to Apple Bake. “I heard you’re Apple clan. You are, aren’t you?”

Apple Bake swallowed nervously again. “Ma’am, I assure you, you have me confused with somepony else.”

Poor Apple. We’d have to make it up to him later - maybe a few ciders on us at the Sour Grape later on.

I met up with Brambles and Strawberry inside the filly’s room. It was empty save for the three of us, with Strawberry at the door to keep an eye on Apple and Sun. We needed a plan - fast. Tale Spinner wasn’t going anywhere soon and while Apple Bake’s patience rivalled that of Celestia, having the worm interrogated out of it could wear it quite thin.

“Contingency time,” Brambles said. “I’ve cast a simple warding spell - but Tango knows that Actual is here. Tango is scanning the place with a high-level scrying spell, possibly pronoun receptive - I’m not sure how much longer I can block her, so we need to mix things up a bit in here to distract her.”

The unicorn pointed a hoof at me. “Aegis, go to the 24-hour Quick-Mart and buy a box of cereal. Make sure it has a tacky plastic ring in it; open every box there if you have to.”

My eyes went wide in surprise, but I didn’t question her plan. She always had a plan, even if it was as knuckleheaded as Apple was stubborn.

Just as I exited the bathroom, I heard Leaf Brambles whispering frantically into Strawberry’s ear. I strode out of the restaurant as quickly as possible - I didn’t have time to question orders. Walking past Apple and Tale, I heard her, in all her wisdom and with her arsenal of potential questions, ask Apple the same question again. “Are you really sure I haven’t seen you before?”

Thank the sun, there was a night-shop open only a block away. Striding in, I made my way straight towards the cereal section, where my hunt for the elusive plastic-ring began. Without hesitation, I tore into the boxes. Bits of coloured cardboard flew into the air, cereal scattering across the cheaply tiled floor. One by one, each box became a casualty of the Cereal Aisle Massacre..

A nervous, stuttering voice pulled me out of my frenzy. “M - m - miss! Y - you can’t do that!” a gangly teenager behind the counter managed to blurt out.

I raised both eyebrows. “Oh.” I pulled a badge out from under my wing and flashed it at him. “Royal business, kid. Send the bill to the Solar Court.” I turned back to the boxes and resumed my ferocious attack on the cardboard penitentiaries. Although, I had to admit I was having a little fun. The nervous blabbering from the cashier wasn’t helping to keep the situation serious at all.

Which it was. This was a very serious situation.

“Gah! Don’t ANY of these boxes have toys?” I cried out in frustration. Shreds of cereal boxes lay strewn everywhere (I swear, I don’t know how some got on the ceiling). I dug through the decrepit remains of of the different coconut pops and crispy crumpets and other assorted cereals.

Like a bloodied murderer caught red-hoofed, I descended on the cashier, wings flared and steam snorting from my nostrils. “Where are the toys?”

“M - m - miss - the boxes haven’t come with toys f - for a few years now!” he stammered out nervously.

My eyes bugged out. "What? Since when did they deprive the fillies and colts of the delight of opening a fresh box of cereal!? Of breathing in that crisp sugary scent while digging frantically for that buried treasure!?" My voice was livid, the cashier cowering in utter fear as I advanced on him, cereal crunching underhoof. "It's unthinkable! Unfathomable! An abhorrent sin against all happiness!" I shook my head; I was getting off topic. “I need the cheapest, nastiest, plastic ring you can find. Something. Anything!”

Nostrils flared, I glared at him as he nervously pointed towards an arcade claw machine - lights flashing and music blaring out of it every few moments. In a rush, I plastered my face against the glass, searching for all the prizes.

A plastic ring with tacky gold paint and a single, delightfully fake gemstone that was just the right shade of turquoise rested on the top of the pile. It even came with a little chain for hanging around your neck.

Hurriedly, I searched myself for a few bits before coming to the grim realisation that I had forgotten my purse back at the barracks.

“I’m going to break this,” I said to the cashier, who could only manage a meek nod before my hoof collided with the glass. I may be a mare and I may be a pegasus, but you should never underestimate the strength of a Paragon. Shards of glass flew inwards with an ear-splitting crash. I dug inside the now-broken arcade machine and pulled out the ring and necklace, nicely wrapped around a large sponge.

“I’m going to get fired,” I heard him whimper as I made my way out. Nah, he wouldn’t get fired. Probably.

Brambles was waiting for me outside the restaurant by the time I got back. I hoofed over the ring and she scrutinised it closely. “This will do,” she said, folding it into an envelope along with a note.

“What’s the plan?” I asked.

“Drop this next to Apple Bake discreetly before taking a seat. I’ll make him aware of it and the note inside will explain the rest of the plan.”

That wasn’t as much as I wanted to know, but it was all I had to go on. I nodded and tucked the letter under my wing before sauntering inside with Brambles right behind me. Apple Bake looked like he was trying very hard not to break into a nervous sweat - Tale Spinner’s quill was working furiously with her magic against the notepad. Strawberry Drop had resumed her position, seated opposite the large earth-pony.

“So you’re sure that the entire ‘reunion’ was unplanned, then?” Tale asked, the quill writing far more words than what was being said.

“Yes, ma’am.”

I walked past, dropping the envelope onto the floor. A quick check around showed nopony had noticed. As I took a seat at the far corner and a waiter came to take my order (creme brulee with a glass of wine), I focused on Princess Celestia. I breathed an internal sigh of relief - she hadn’t noticed anything was amiss. Her date was going well, and she even seemed to be warming up to the stallion.

My focus shifted to Apple and Strawberry. Brambles trotted by, picking up the dropped envelope and giving it to Apple. “I’m sorry, sir, but you seem to have dropped this.” She gave a knowing nod to the earth-pony before moving outside again.

Discreetly (which was very surprising given his size) he was able to read the note. In a flash, the nervousness disappeared from his face and he held up a hoof, cutting off Tale Spinner mid-question.

“I’m ever so sorry to interrupt, ma’am, but this is a special night for me. You’ll have to excuse me.”

The plan finally started to click into place in my head. I grinned widely - or at least as wide as I could without arousing suspicion.

In an overly elaborate fashion, the steam-engine of a stallion pushed out his chair and rose to his full height. He locked his eyes directly with Strawberry’s, whose own eyes went wide. He cleared his throat and made as if he were about to launch into a long tirade but changed his mind at the last second.

“Dear, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time - and I’m sorry to have the good ma’am here interrupt me on this special night.” A sleight of hoof trick and he pulled the ring and chain from his coat’s pocket. “I had planned for this when our meals arrived, but I could not interrupt the kind and inquisitive ma’am.”

I couldn’t help my grin; I really couldn’t. By now almost everypony’s eyes were on the center table, with Apple Bake giving the largest, sappiest bow in Equestrian history.

“Will you marry me?”

In his hoof was the ring, presented neatly and lovingly towards Strawberry.

“M - marry…?” Strawberry stammered weakly. It was a good thing her coat was as red as her namesake as I’m sure she was blushing deeply. Her breath caught in her throat as she brought her hooves weakly to her face. “M - me?”

Apple Bake nodded, his face ever stoic.

Strawberry mumbled a few words unintelligibly, tears starting to leak from her eyes.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that,” Apple said, still on his knees with the ring on his hoof.

“I said yes!” Strawberry cried out, leaping across the table and pulling him into a powerful hug.

The entire restaurant burst into cheers and applause. Some patrons shot Tale Spinner menacing glares - it was clear she wasn’t welcome here anymore.

Tail tucked between her legs, the unicorn backed out of the building slowly. I glanced at Celestia; she had finally taken notice, but had a faint smile on her lips. At least we didn’t have to worry about that harpy bothering the Princess anymore.

Strawberry was sobbing with what looked like happiness. Either, she was serious in her acting, or was taking this act seriously.

We did let her know that this was all an act, right?

‘Sun Dazer’ made her way to the table with Earnest Stroke. Both sported happy smiles on their faces. “I just wanted to wish you two a very happy marriage,” she said warmly, hoof in arm with Eager. “Congratulations, I’m sure that you’ll both have many happy days ahead of you.”

The two made their way to the door. I settled the bill (Brambles had given me a few bits) and followed the couple out. There were still cheers and congratulations ringing out from inside, but we needed to keep an eye on the Princess. Brambles, Penny Drop and Perfect Measure followed closely. It was a low-risk situation, so only three would do.

I waited patiently for the budding ‘couple’ to finally make it out of the restaurant, which took a lot longer than expected. Strawberry was clinging to Apple’s arm with a stupid grin plastered across her face, Apple himself sporting an overly serious look - the type when he was showing proper concentration and dedication.

I nodded to both of them before taking wing. Strawberry followed shortly behind me, that grin never fading from her face.

“Wow, Berry, I have to say,” I said as we made our rounds to Eager Stroke’s residence. A little pre-planning earlier let us know where the Princess would be heading. “That was a brilliant act you put on there. For a second, I figured you took the whole thing seriously.

Strawberry took a few seconds longer than she needed to to respond. Oh no...don’t tell me.

“You - you mean we’re not actually getting married?”

Author's Note:

A big big big thank you to Cormac McCloppy for editted and proof-reading this chapter. He helped out a great deal with it.

My first real take at Comedy and Slice of Life. If you like or fave this story, please leave a comment and let me know why!

If you dislike this story, leave a comment and let me know why (so I can fix it and make it better.)