• Member Since 2nd Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 28th, 2020

Charliebbarkin


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Twilight gets more than she bargained for when her best birthday celebration ever quickly turns into a nightmare. Twilight learns a valuable lesson about friendship when the girls embark on an all expenses paid weekend trip to celebrate Twilight's birthday. Little did Twilight realize that some things are even more valuable than friendship.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 16 )

It's a well-written story from a technical pov. I have two suggestions.

1. At the beginning, twi yelled before the door was shown banging open. That doesn't flow well, so consider rewriting that paragraph to have the door bang open first.

2. The characterization of the other five needs explanation. If they're being mind controlled, there should be more direct foreshadowing, such as an odd glint in pinkie's eyes or a glazed over Fluttershy. If they're just being self-protective, they are out of character and this story will get lots of downvotes.

"Mahapony? Sure isn't Marecow, or Las Pegasus or Manehaten or Atlantcolt City or Mareoco." Spike continued "Hey Rarity I've rented a bridal suite"

"Oh Spikey You're such a GentleDrake, How can you afford such a room":raritystarry:

"A-mare-akin Express don't leave home with out it":moustache:

"Oh Spikey you little Colt Scout!":duck:

5086269 Hehe, the town name is a pun from the fairly obscure work that inspired this story. I only changed one letter, and got rid of an 'n'. It's a strong hint...I'm wondering if anyone will get the reference :p

Poor Twi , Even Rarity's holding on to her bits, As for the city I'nm clueless.:rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy::ajsmug::raritystarry::moustache::facehoof:

I'm sorry, the plot is just too contrived for me. Unless 5078739 is right and Twilight's friends are completely brainwashed or replaced by imposters, there's no way they'd abandon her like that. Or even act like that. (The Element of Honesty openly admitting to committing fraud? Really?)

There will need to be a hefty plot twist to explain this. It remains to be seen if it'll save you from the downvotes, still.

5092136 Nah, they're just caught up in the excitement of the city like everypony else...and they're drunk. People can say they're out of character all they want, but it's not like the show has explored what they're like when drunk. The show hasn't even covered the topic of lending either. So there is no canon as far as I know. I can totally see Applejack refusing to lend some bits, she is obsessed with them.

As for downvotes, I'm no stranger to them. The only thing that matters is the upvotes...some people do like my stories :twilightsmile:

Spike just shook his head "Dude that's just messed up":trixieshiftright::moustache: "they offed Twilight "

IN THE NEWS LAS PEGASUS BURNS AS MYSTERY ARSONIST RAMPAGES THE CITY

In other news Twilight Sparkle was hung for not paying her bar tab.:facehoof::trixieshiftright:

In other other news Luna princess of the night found missing:twilightoops:

In other other other news Fashionestia Rarity to wed unnamed Lizard :duck::moustache:

Wow, her friends are scumbags in this story.

No, not because they refused to pay her at the end. Because they lied to her about having fun. "I've never been to Mahaponny!" "Oh, then, no we're canceling this trip now." "What? But the princess said-" "The princess said your lesson was to have fun, and you'll never find it there!" Granted that wouldn't have made for an interesting story, but they didn't even give her an inkling of what was going on.

Instead they tricked and cajoled her into spending her bits and taking senseless risks, and then they let her gamble drunk. She even said she had never drank before! This isn't the action of 5 friends, it's the action of 5 con artists who rob you of your dignity and sell you into slavery 10 minutes after they met you. Wasn't she friends with them for longer than 10 minutes? If you're gonna do that to a pony, you don't spend years befriending them that's just crazy! The craziest thing is they can't be con artists because they're not getting a cut of any of this! They're not even getting free drinks!

"Uh, Twi, you're not gonna play roulette because number 1 you're drunk, and number 2 we need your money to pay for our drinks."

"You're not -hic- having very fun, Applejack!"

"Nopony has fun in Mahaponny, Twilight. Nopony."

I don't really mind if a character is out of character but, I just can't imagine how Twilight could have known them for so long before this. She should have woken up the day after the NMM incident, locked in a Dog mine, minus one baby dragon, two gold tickets and her wallet, which combined with the money they got from selling her to the dogs paid for their drinks for a good long time.

Monaco?

Yeah, that was just dumb. You set up for a thriller, but it just ended up being character bashing. Oh well, maybe you'll rewrite sometime.

5117176 Hmmm...Well, this story is based very closely to an obscure play, and Mahapony is a pun of the fictional city in the play. What happens to Twilight is more or less exactly what happens in the inspirational material. Anyway, any and all morals are inverted in this magical town of excitement. Twilight's drunk, but all her friends are too...and they did warn her multiple times she didn't want to run out of bits in that city...they just never mentioned *why*. Poor Twilight. From your first comment, it sounded like you were having fun reading it, but I guess not :applejackunsure: I was just trying to give people a fun read :twilightsmile:

Also....you will probably not like what's about to happen to Spike in the Epilogue :rainbowderp:

5117282

Oh, a play. Yeah that explains the dumbness. I was never a big one for theater. Way too dramatic. I don't have to like something to have fun. And all her friends knew what the risks of the city were from previous experience, so they get no quarter.

"Twilight chuckled a little. I guess I can learn

Misplaced quotation mark

Rainbow spotted an information booth...
The pony working in the booth was unphased by Twilight's rudeness.

Man, Rainbow dash is so rude people blame other ponies for her.

5117139 Yeah, we appear to have gone full bore OOC in this chapter, and while I will try to finish it to at least see if there's a reason, so far it's not looking promising.

5222809 Okay, I'll fix those two things later tonight. As for some characters being OOC, I mean...look at the picture I chose to headline the story...I was thinking that would give some indication of what type of story this is. Also, not everypony is OOC. Twilight, Spike, and Trixie are more or less canon.

Between using an obscure play as a base model and the way the story seems to never actually hit a comedy point, it never really acted as I expected. I'd almost say this story would be better served as a straight tragedy.

You write well, which means you'll more than likely make something interesting later, if not sooner, so I'll look forward to that.

5223103 To be fair, I rarely judge a story by the image. I suppose that's my own fault, though.

5223350 Thanks. I think I just have a different sense of humor than most people. For me, seeing people/characters getting completely railroaded is funny :rainbowlaugh: Later this week, probably Wednesday, I'm going release chapter 1 of a sequel to Pinkie's Party Gift...even though it only got 13 upvotes vs. 88 downvotes, I think that's my funniest story regardless of what others think :twilightsmile: So I'm going to have a little more fun with it :)

I don't know for sure yet but so far I'm assuming the theme here is that the city changes people basically. Turns good people to bad from the second they enter, or at least in most cases unlike twilight. So that's probably why they're all being scummy to her.

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