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More Stories11

  • E No Quixote Here

    Prince Blueblood tries to do good things and fails.
    13,805 words · 3,962 views  ·  339  ·  2
  • T Huggled

    Ponyville's pegasi go crazy, and so does Twilight Sparkle.
    11,280 words · 12,149 views  ·  1,499  ·  30
  • E Whisper Sun, Silent Moon

    A young Celestia and Luna learn to master their new power.
    13,854 words · 5,896 views  ·  216  ·  3
  • T Unfinished

    Twilight Sparkle and Dusk Shine confront a horrible secret about their worlds
    111,841 words · 9,608 views  ·  473  ·  13
  • T My Little Metro

    After Doomsday forces ponies underground, a lone colt braves the Stalliongrad metro system to save his people from an unknown threat.
    232,320 words · 10,752 views  ·  245  ·  10
  • T Finding Harmony

    Ponies of the Wasteland fight their pasts and strive for the future.
    5,781 words · 451 views  ·  41  ·  0
  • E Severance

    A pony and a changeling learn how to trust.
    9,089 words · 766 views  ·  40  ·  0
  • T Unwritten

    Dusk Shine attempts to remake his world as Twilight Sparkle deals with trust and betrayal, and hears his call across worlds.
    7,454 words · 256 views  ·  40  ·  0

Blog Posts99

  • Tuesday
    A History of Humans in Equestria, Part 1

    Those who sailed with Garðar Svavarsson thought they did so with a simple purpose: to help him claim his inheritance from his father-in-law in the Hebrides islands just west of the land of the Picts, with whom the Norsemen were in bloody conflict at the time. Yet when they sailed through Petlandsfjörð, the fjord of the Picts, a great storm overtook them and blew them off-course. Let it never be said a Norseman was afraid of the waves, but such was the viciousness of this storm that Garðar and his men were swept away from the shores of all they knew and cast into the northernmost reaches of the world, where the summer sun never sets and the ice never melts. None of them expected to be lost for three full years and declared dead.

    Yet when Garðar finally made landfall back at Norway none could doubt that it was he. His survival was never in question. The doubts and the lies began when he and his crew spread the story of the great and green land they found beyond the edge of the world, encouraging others to follow them back and settle it. Five men and their thralls (with three wives) had not returned with Garðar, and despite claims they had bravely stayed behind to man the outpost in this new country until the Norsemen's return, others passed it off as a fabrication to explain their deaths at the hands of Rán, goddess of the sea.

    They told of trees so tall they rivaled Yggdrasil and great beasts that spoke a strange tongue, of plants they had never seen and animals unlike any in all the world. In spite of ridicule, curiosity soon won over the minds of many chieftains, and a þing, an assembly, was called at the court of Haraldr Hárfagri, the first king of Nóregr, Norway, who at the time was still embroiled in vicious battle to secure his throne. Here Haraldr and his court, with many great jarls, decided to hear of this new land to see if it was worthy to explore and pillage in the name of the gods.

    /-/-/-/

    The tale of Garðar Svavarsson recorded by Ulfar Snorrison, chief scribe of Haraldr Hárfagri, of the house Yngling

    Two weeks the storm raged that pushed us away from the land of the Picts. Though we battled hard and long against the winds we were guided by the storm north and west, past the shores of what we call Ísland, which we saw but could not reach for the storm's intensity. Battered and storm-lashed we came to a place where the only land was ice that drifted atop a silent sea, and monsters many times the size of our boat drifted silently beneath the waves. Here the storm spat us out, and I tell you truthfully, it seemed to move on with a mind of its own, leaving us in those strange waters.

    My men begged me to turn back and find shelter. Our provisions were not great enough to last us long at sea, and many of us were stricken with misery after so long in the storm. Yet I felt a compulsion, perhaps a nudge from the Norns themselves, to press on, for I knew our fates were leading us somewhere. I came to an agreement with my crew to sail on for two full days, after which if no true land was sighted we would turn back. Much grumbling came of it, but it proved to be the decision that saved us. Those two days were harsh and grim. No wind helped us along, and by the strength of our arms we rowed and drifted between great ice floes the size of this hall and larger while the silent beasts of the sea looked at us from the black waters. A whale trailed our ship for some time, and it seemed to me that it wondered why men would come so far beyond the horizon. The cold was awful, and two of our dogs died while frost covered our beards.

    It was still early summer, and stars had barely begun to shine when the northrljós, the Northern Lights, showed themselves on the eve of the second day. One of my men called Einarr declared it was a sign from the gods, and Freja herself was guiding us. This calmed the arguments to turn home, and following the lights of the sky, we sailed on.

    Like a dream that night passed. I still don’t know if we fell under an enchantment, or were merely spellbound the gleaming lights, but we came to a place where there was no ice, and no waves. The stars and the Northern Lights were reflected perfectly upon the waters, and all movement seemed to cease. We did not row, nor was there any wind, yet our ship moved. The Northern Lights seemed to draw closer and closer to us, either coming down from the sky or us rising up to meet it, and then at the Edge of the World, it enveloped us. Still we sailed on as if the Lights had become the sea, and the stars were all around our ship. Many of my men cried out and claimed to see the faces of relatives who had died, or the spirits of great warriors walking upon the glittering waters.  I don’t know how long we remained in that strange place.

    Dawn came swiftly, and when the Sun’s light reached us it was as if we woke from a dream. We found ourselves on strange seas where we saw not a single iceberg, and the water was unearthly warm, and some of the men claimed we had reached the very place the sun rose and set. With the ice no longer confining us my greatest lookouts spotted land not far off, and we sailed for it as if in a daze. None of us could explain what had happened, yet we all had experienced it at once. Some said it was truly the work of the gods, and others said we had chanced upon some new feature of the Northern Lights. Debate continued until we saw our first new creature of this strange world.

    It was a whale, yet not a whale at all, possessing six fins along a snakelike body and a tail shaped like an oar. The body was sleek and silver; including the tail it was the length of three longships, and its maw could fit a lying man inside. It breached not far from us and spun towards our ship at alarming speed, and we cried out to Rán and Ægir to call off their beast, certain it would dash us to pieces. Yet it circled our vessel with great curiosity, occasionally nudging our hull and sometimes coming alongside to peer at us out of an eye the size of a great shield. Gunjarr the Yeller shouted at the great beast and made to throw a spear at it, but I stopped him. It soon swam away, leaving us unmolested and greatly confused. The land before us was also unnaturally green and verdant, and stretched for many miles in either direction so we could not see if it was an island or part of some greater continent. We could not for the life of us determine how a single night’s travel had brought us to completely unknown places that were green and warm, and busied ourselves with finding a place to go ashore.

    The place where we landed we called Fyrstrstrǫnd, and was a great bay where frolicked seals and other strange creatures. There were many crabs and turtles like I had seen from southern traders, and I knew them to be a warm water animal. The seals were very curious and came right up to our boat, showing no fear of man. We restocked our supplies and hunted the seals for fur and flesh, and began to sail north. The position of the Sun was strange to us, and from that and the warm climate we judged that we had somehow come many leagues south, perhaps even further south than Frankia. For a full week we traveled along that strange coast, which was rich with food and freshwater streams, and there beheld many wonders: trees unlike any we had seen before that twisted gnarled branches high to the sky, hares with horns upon their heads, and great beasts that were like our own and yet not. There were birds with feathers that were all the colors of the rainbow that hunted flying bugs that seemed like motes of color come to life, which could stretch their bodies and consume a meal much larger than themselves. For all these things and the good land we gave thanks to the gods. At our second landing site we built a shrine called Dagrsvé, and sacrificed a horned white hare. To lift our spirits we had a feast of bird eggs, seal meat, and much ale.

    It was on the seventh morning our landing party was raided by a creature with the heads of a goat and a tiger and the tail of a serpent. It came upon us swiftly while we laid out meat and sealskin to dry, and immediately went for the seal meat we had harvested. We scarcely believed our eyes as it came from the wood, spitting and roaring. It was many times stronger than a man and clove in two the shield of Sigurd the Crow with a single blow of its paw. Yet Thor gave us the power to frighten the devil away.

    Withdrawing, we formed a shieldwall and smote sword on shield to make a great commotion, so that even though it was much stronger it was seized by confusion. Step by step we advanced and cursed the beast until it turned tail and escaped with half a seal in its twin jaws. Two of us, Hedvar Gurlisson and Sigurd the Crow, were wounded in the battle by claw and venom. After this encounter we decided we must be in some other realm of the Nine Worlds, but which it was we could not say. Einarr insisted we had come to Asgard, the home of the gods themselves, but he was shouted down by those who believed we had come too far and offended the gods in some manner. Yet we beheld a divine work: Sigurd and Hedvar had been struck by the tiger-goat and yet found themselves whole and hearty within a day, and Sigurd declared that though the creature was strong enough to cleave his shield, he was only buffeted by the blow. It seemed this place had made men even greater than we were, and blessed us with godly vigor.

    We marveled at these things and made another sacrifice to the gods at a site we named Miskunnvé.

    On the thirteenth day the woods grew thicker, and there on a rocky shore under the light of a strange moon we beheld our first sight of the griðungrfirar—the bull-men.

    ------------------------------

    A simple exercise to get the creative juices flowing, this is my attempt to do human in Equestria as human in Equestria might actually happen, instead of a standard brony self-insert. I could not develop it into a "proper" story since I haven't the time, and typed this up on a whim. I went with the best thing ever: what if Vikings somehow sailed to the world of ponies? What if it allowed humans to tap into the magic of the land? There's a dash of alternate history here too: Garðar Svavarsson is considered the first Norseman to place a settlement on Iceland, but here he has been blown considerably off course.

    I will continue this as my inspiration for it grows. I also apologize for the horrific mishmash of old Norse and modern English. I am not an historian by any means.

    3 comments · 51 views
  • 1w, 1d
    My Writer's Block is Broken

    2 comments · 52 views
  • 6w, 1d
    Farewell, Hub Network

    4 comments · 114 views
  • 8w, 6d
    Book Review: Wings of Fire: The Dragonet Prophecy

    0 comments · 115 views
  • 9w, 4h
    Can't Sleep

    It's 1:35 AM. I should be asleep. Should have been asleep two hours ago so I can get some actual bedrest. But I can't. I'm going crazy I think. Crazy about the future, about what I should be doing and who I am. Haven't written a word in three days. Kinda just shouting into the street now, or at least that's what this feels like. But it's a blog, and people have posted far stupider stuff. Guess I'll just say what comes to mind.

    I'm writing original fiction right now. Three chapters into a novel. Hopefully it doesn't stagnate. It's going to be a dark fantasy novel that (I hope) actually turns some tropes on their heads without being pretentious or self-righteous. For instance... hm. There's a bit about romance I want to address. Lemme rant about romance for a bit. Lemme rant about a lot of things for a little bit. This will be a ranty blog.

    Romance kinda sucks in writing.

    I'm saying that because it's mishandled in... well. Almost everything. I'm not an expert in how romance works, mind you, but I have seen plenty of examples, looked at it, and said "Nah, that's not romance." In my book, I hope to... well, prove you can have a good story without romance, in fact present a situation where romance would blossom in any other story, and turn it into something awful and jarring. See, I look at the dust covers of a lot of books. I don't pick up many because I can literally predict the plot in those few sentences... that's because the dust cover actually just gives away what happens.

    Character starts a journey to defeat some evil antagonist or force. Character gets paired up with another of the opposite sex. Invariably, opposite character is described as "mysterious" or "beautiful" or "dangerous" or some combination of the three, and somehow is more intimidating than the main character, no matter how intimidating or dangerous or handsome the main character already is. Together, they save the day and get married at the end but pretend like they won't to contrive a sense of dramatic and sexual tension.

    There's nothing particularly wrong with that synopsis beyond the obvious Mary Sue implications. It's just I see it everywhere. Literally. Everywhere. In everything. They're all blurring together into one giant swirl of hot bods mashing together in a sweaty orgy of purple prose and supposedly 'edgy' takes on relationships.

    We're even seeing that in My Little Pony: Equestria Girls. See, the problem with Brad (Flash Sentry) isn't that he's a guy or that he's romantically involved with Twilight. It's just that... eh. He's romantically involved because he's romantically involved. He has feelings for her because he's supposed to, because he's "the hot guy in high school." The poor boy's entire existence revolves around how he reacts to Twilight. Sure, he might be given some character in those clips for Rainbow Rocks we've seen, but... but just look.


    Or don't if you don't like spoilers. Anyway, Flash is characterized as... as... well... head over heels in love for Twilight, pining away after her like some lovestruck Romeo. You know, basically exactly how he was in the first movie. And that's... that's sad. I was hoping he'd at least get some lines of his own that don't explicitly say "My entire purpose in life is to be in love." Nobody likes characters like that. That's Fifty Shades of Grey levels of writing. Yet so many romances in so many stories are played out exactly like this, over and over, without regard to how realistic or impactful or strange it is. So many romances are characterized as just being... there. Just happening. Because they have to. It's not organic and it isn't fun. Romance takes a while, guys. Romance is lifelong. It's about discovering someone intimately. It's about realizing who you are in relation to another living, breathing creature. That's why in Prince of Dust I'm trying to, you know, frame the romance as part of the overall story instead of just being the reason the characters even exist.

    I see that a lot here too, yet it's okay because "it's fanfic" or "don't judge too harshly because we're just having fun." Wait, excuse me? "It's fanfic" so I can't have a sense of taste? "It's fanfic" so we can write about things we say we hate?! "It's fanfic" so I should just kick back and laugh while the fandom drowns under the sound of a million bronies clopping to the newest fad?! I'm sick to death of that excuse when it comes to objectively terrible writing! Because that's all it is, an excuse to avoid being criticized! You wouldn't bake a terrible cake and serve it to people and then turn around and say "Oh well I'm sorry, this is just a fanfiction of a better cake! Stop complaining!"

    NO. STOP IT.

    JUST STOP IT.

    I'm sorry, but fanfiction is still writing. And writing, like all artforms, has at least a modicum, an appearance of some objective standard of quality. We should at least try to hold it up against that yardstick, shouldn't we? Right? You guys agree with me... don't you?

    Guys?

    Bah, who am I kidding. I don't see any of the other popular authors railing against this kind of stuff. They just write. I guess that's the healthiest attitude to have. Do what you love and all that. Hey maybe if I turn "Unwritten" into the dark and edgy version of "On a Cross and Arrow" it'll get featured more. Then I too can slap the date it was featured on the synopsis and 420yoloswag it to the end of the fandom. I'll never have to write anything again. I'd rant some more about authors who get to be popular because of that one story they wrote years ago and haven't published a thing since then, but it's 2 AM and I'm tired now.

    Anyway expect a oneshot and the next chapter of Prince of Dust and Unwritten whenever I feel like it.

    Also thanks to all those who faved and followed, especially for Unwritten. I hope to pour as much heart and soul into it as I did Unfinished.

    3 comments · 63 views
  • ...
 38
 2,089

In a small town on the borders of Equestria, a little colt learns how to forge weapons from his father. But swords are not always friendly to the pony that wields them. As time goes by the colt must also confront the harsh lessons of the world outside the forge, and come face-to-face with the cost of protecting what he cares for.

Winner of the Ponychan March write-off!

First Published
22nd Apr 2012
Last Modified
22nd Apr 2012
#1 · 135w, 3d ago · · ·

Glorious. I see now why My Little Metro has been on hold as of late, and in all honestly I couldn't care less. You got yourself another masterpiece here. Although complete, you just built yourself an excellent background for a huge adventure story. I'd love to see it one day become that. Keep up the good work.

(eagerly awaits the next My Little Metro chapter)

#2 · 135w, 3d ago · · ·

This is really good. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'm favoriting it, and I'm hoping there will be more to it.

#3 · 135w, 3d ago · · ·

great story:yay:

#4 · 135w, 2d ago · · ·

Thank you all. I'll definitely be working on Metro overtime now that this is out of the way.

#5 · 135w, 2d ago · · ·

I read this orginially as part of the PonyChan contest, it was my #1 pick out of the 19 and one I rated as 10 out of 10 on a review to that contest.  I was really happy to see it win.:pinkiehappy:

I have not seen your story "Metro." but I will check it out. I also hope you might continue this story line as well.:twilightsmile:

UPDATE MY POST!!!!!!!

:pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy::pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy::pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy:

I just found your "My Little Metro,"  I DID read the first few chapters of this last August but then lost track of it. I been trying to find it again for a while but couldn't remember the name, author, or enough specific details to locate it again. I tried reading some of the other post apocalypse MLP stories but found them too video-game like. This reminded me of a book (and Movie) called "City of Ember."  Did you read that?:twilightsmile:

#6 · 135w, 1d ago · · ·

>>483695

In fact I have not! But I'm glad you think Metro is a bit more "realistic." That's the actual feel I was going for; it wasn't just a "video game crossover." It was a story about ponies actually living a post-apocalyptic lifestyle against horrible monsters. In fact, I was going more for the feel of the book Metro 2033 than the video game. Of course, I had to make a few sacrifices here and there. It's about ponies and magic after all!

#7 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

Holy shit, this is REAL good! :pinkiehappy: Sequel pretty please with extra sprinkles and a cherry on top??

#8 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

Wow. This seriously deserves more attention. Excellent work!

#9 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

I'm not a fan of post-apocalyptic stuff so I'm skipping on MLM, but I have to say that this one is great. Good job on this. I particularly liked the long bits about how a sword is a tool, and it's the being behind the sword that defines intent. A very important lesson not just for swords, but for any kind of power one holds, and one civilizations forget at their peril.

#10 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

only one thing to say.... beautiful.

#11 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

>>512641

Maybe! But I felt the story was pretty complete when I finished it, and anyway I'm working on my next winning write-off entry. :ajsmug:

>>512785

Thank you!

>>513073

That's too bad, MLM is gonna be my magnum opus of ponyfic, so to speak! But thank you for the comment, and I'm glad the message was so powerful and so clear.

>>513706

Only one thing to say in return... thanks!

#12 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

Well, color me suitably impressed. And you're also the writer of My Little Metro? I loved that story!

This fanfic caught my eye mostly because some of its elements are somewhat similar to my own story. And I'll admit, I was jealous at first that you had so many comments so soon. But after reading it, well, I can safely say you've earned all of this attention and more.

You do fantastic work with words. Some of your paragraphs ran long, but there was nary a weak sentence or a passive word that caught my eye. The characters and the pacing were especially good, I might add. I only wish you hadn't skipped the fight scene with the Timber Wolf.

I'm assuming this was a oneshot? If there's more, I can't wait to see it. If there isn't, this still works as one hell of a solid short story.

#13 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

Man, that's good. Epic fantasy, coming-of-age, and ponies. I like it!

#14 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

Great story. References to Earth pony magic reminded me a lot of "Its a Dangerous business, Going Out your Door".

#15 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

Never been a fan of Oc's cause they tend be over the top at times, but damn, this totally deserved the EqD feature. Bravo good gent.

#16 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

Very nice tale you've put together here, it's no wonder you made it to EqD. Solid four stars from me, and I look forward to whatever you pen next!

#17 · 134w, 3d ago · · ·

Sweet heavenly mercies this is beautiful. Legitimately beautiful. Wow.

A poet sees poetry everywhere: I see it in how you use a sort of repeating, a refrain: another day, another sword, and the like. It was lyrical when it needed to be and simple when it needed to be. A wonderful read.

#18 · 134w, 2d ago · · ·

Oh wow, this is just fantastic! 5 stars and 2 thumbs up. :rainbowdetermined2:

#19 · 134w, 2d ago · · ·

>>514030

And let me tell you, your fanfic is quite a story in itself. I just started reading it and I'm glad I did! I certainly hope you don't give up, and get more attention. You deserve it. Also, I'm glad you enjoy Metro, it's my favorite story too.

I think skipping the fight with the wolf was necessary for that little sucker punch I threw in at the end... I didn't want to go into too much depth and lose the impact of the last section. And yes, I believe this is the only story Reveille will get... OR IS IT? :pinkiegasp:

>>514113

Three awesome things wrapped in one small package. I am glad to be of service. :trixieshiftright:

>>514590

Good! Super good! Because "It's A Dangerous Business" is probably my most favorite MLP fanfic ever! It inspired many others, I'm sure.

>>514800

OCs deserve more love than to just be engines for an author's personal wishes, I agree. I strive to make OCs... well, their own original characters! Thanks for the comment.

>>515666

Thanks a lot!

>>515760

I'm glad someone noticed the repetition. Thank you!

>>518072

If only you could give two thumbs up on FIMFic...

#20 · 134w, 2d ago · · ·

>>519800 Well, I did add it to my wall of awesome one-shots on my user page, this really is an excellent story.

#21 · 134w, 2d ago · · ·

>>519800

Oh wow, you actually went and read it? Thanks! You did kind of choose an awkward time, though - I'm a few hours away from updating the story by replacing all the chapters and adding an extra one toward the beginning as an in-betweener.

If you write any more stories about Reveille, I'll be keeping an eye out. In the meantime, My Little Metro has updated a ton of times since I last saw it... *cracks knuckles* Challenge Accepted.

#22 · 134w, 2d ago · · ·

>>519800 You're quite welcome! Keep at it!

#23 · 134w, 1d ago · · ·

This is excellent. Two thumbs up. Everything about carrying a sword and having to use one is directly applicable to any weapon.

Anytime someone I know talks about getting a firearm to carry I always try to talk to them about proper use of force and the responsibilities carrying entails. I always ask them to think about if they can really pull the trigger under the assumption that the other person will die. Males always tend to answer in the positive immediately, Ive found, but I ask them to really think about it. If they cant do it then it is more of a risk for them to have it.

I try to enforce that it cant be pulled out for any scuffle they may get into and indeed they should try to avoid, de-escalate, and/or exit situations that are getting bad. No macho testosterone fueled bullshit.

I also tell them that they own every bullet that comes out of the muzzle, and everything they hit they also own. Whether that be the intended target or possibly someone else down range.

Ive had coworkers mention I appear paranoid when Im walking through the parking lot. Well, not really. I try to be observant. A weapon is not a magic talisman that wards off the bad just by the fact that one has it. One must be aware of their surroundings.

Anyway I think I went off topic but oh well.

#24 · 134w, 20h ago · · ·

This is an absolutely magnificent tale!  The climactic scene facing the timberwolf was perfect; gripping and suspenseful.  There really was no need to show the battle at all.  As you mentioned, it would have detracted from the later scenes.  Sometimes more is said when certain things are left unspoken.  The absense of the scene kept the mood and pace of the rest of the story in line, smoothly and fluidly moving along to Reveille's maturation.

I also enjoyed the lessons from his father, but I must disagree that swords can only be used for harm!

*suddenly flashing signs appear all over the screen as Flim & Flam dash out*  ORDER NOW!!!  The new and improved, Super Sword 3,000!!  It can slice even the biggest wheels of cheese in a flash!  Use it as an opener for those annoying over-taped shipping boxes!  Trim even the thickest hedges with a single swing!  AND WAIT!!!  THERE'S MORE!!  Overgrown fetlocks?  Tangled mane?  Not a problem for the Super Sword 3,000!  Use it for laying tile!  Removing makeup!  Performing surgery!  No job's too big for the Super Sword 3,000!!

(Order yours now for the special low price of 3 easy payments of $199.95  Order right now and get the special Super Sword Sharpener (a rock) FREE!!)  :pinkiecrazy:

#25 · 133w, 5d ago · · ·

Wow. This was a really great little piece of story craft. The characterizations were three dimensional and dynamic, the plot was tight and coherent, and the description accurate and efficient. I really enjoyed this one, so thank you! Keep up the great work!

#26 · 133w, 5d ago · · ·

>>527987

I'm glad it was so thought provoking!

>>528886

I'm glad you agree. Less is more, as the saying goes.

Also: Flim Flam Brothers picking up defense contracts? We're doomed.

>>542220

Ah! A person whose stories I like likes my story! Yes, yes, everything is going as planned... thank you!

#27 · 133w, 4d ago · · ·

>>542360  Meh, the Flim Flam Brothers can't be much worse than what we've got here.

I'd be more worried about them getting into pharmaceuticals.  :fluttershbad:

#28 · 130w, 3d ago · · ·

Welp, it's official, you are now going into my Watch list.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer
#29 · 115w, 3d ago · · ·

Oh yes! You wrote this, and I was so stoked to know it was you! :D This fic is so fantastic!

#30 · 103w, 1d ago · · ·

omgwat. This cannot be the end. NO. There are so many adventures to tell of Reveille left... ;A; I really like the twist with how Opal and Reveille developed... didn't see that coming lawls XD I really liked how your characters talked in the story... they really seemed like kids... the dialogue felt very natural.

Gosh, I cannot believe this came from MLP:FiM. Oh please please continue this! :(

#31 · 102w, 5d ago · · ·

Very nice story. Keep up the good work.

#32 · 85w, 5d ago · · ·

Aww, such a sweet ending. Solid story and themes too!

#33 · 84w, 3d ago · · ·

Yes, so much yes! This was an absolutely fantastic story. I'd really love to see more of Reveille, though. You've done a lot of wonderful setup with him.

#34 · 83w, 2d ago · · ·

Damn...

#35 · 55w, 19h ago · · ·

I liked the setting and the premise, but this story has a few serious flaws that made it less than enjoyable for me.

Primo, Reveille as a character needs more balance. The way he is now, he more or less does everything right: he's good at his swordfighting lessons, does his homework right on time, doesn't let bullies provoke him into fighting. He seems to know everything about what a "real stallion" is supposed to be, and acts on it, too. No wonder his parents and teachers are so proud of him! In other words, he's dangerously close to being a Marty Stu, and that makes him annoying and barely relatable.

Secundo, the story doesn't have a lot of conflict. Sure, there's the conflict against the monsters from the forest, but what about conflict between characters? The only sources of that are Opal's bullying of Reveille, and Songbird's objections to Reveille going into the Guard. Both of those are touched on only briefly, and they hardly create any tension or drama. If you fleshed these conflicts out a bit more, the story would become a great deal more interesting.

Tertio, the relationship between Opal and Reveille could use a lot more development. Show us more of how and why they go from bully and victim to lovers. Right now, this is mostly skipped over: you cut to several years later, and oh look, they're a couple now. I found that a deeply unsatisfying resolution.

So, I'd suggest you work on those points a bit. I hope this helps you as a writer. :twilightsmile:

#36 · 24w, 5d ago · · ·

Wow, this was beautifully written. I really enjoy stories like this.

I wish I could upvote this twice! :ajsmug:

#37 · 21w, 5d ago · · ·

This is an excellent fic. Well written, well paced, engaging and heartfelt. A great coming of age story for Reveille, starting off as a flighty colt to a dependable guards pony. I think that there was enough of everything in this story, just the right amount.

Greenthumbed!

#38 · 10w, 1d ago · · ·

As someone with a tendency to ramble and worry over details being left out, I find the brevity of this story breathtaking.  There could be so much more, but the way you have written it invites the reader to add it themselves, rather than forcing them to see it one way. Instead, you hit a few striking notes that define a scene, a character, a twist, and proceed on.  

And yet, from time to time, you toss in a small detail, as if to remind us that you are not omitting things by accident but with a purpose-- the description of the sword handle was one such detail that jumped out at me.

I love the way you use work, physical work, as a way to build characters and show contrasts.  I love how you reveal a conflict that's spanned by a relationship.  I love how you portray the passing of traits from one generation to the next and how that's not a perfect process, but one that is sometimes subject to the forge and hammer of life.

And I especially love the way you dwell upon the concept of sacrifice, duty, and the touch of guilt that goes behind it, justified or not.  I've read through this a couple of times now, and it's just as good each time.

Thank you for taking such care in crafting this story-- this is the reason I pay attention to fanfiction, because once in a while a real gem will reach out and slap you in the face as you read.

I am so very, very glad I opened this story up

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