Spike remembers the good old days with Twilight, Rarity and the rest, so long ago. While he helps Celestia during a solar flare, the comfort they provide each other is more than strictly thermodynamic.
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That last part was glorious
Because what could possibly go wrong in a society where nobody ever dies? Overpopulation, unemployment, lack or resourcess, polution...?
Well, yes. but you're not a teenager anymore right? So why are you narrating us all this in a tone that makes me think youre a 9 year old or something?
I'm not trying to say it's bad. But we're supposed to be reading the narration of an over 200 year old being who's basically a Sorcerer Scientist or something. So why does everything he says sounds like an excited child who's telling his parents what he just learned today at school?
Look, Spike/Celestia romance storys are very hard to find.I like the idea and some of the concepts you are using. But the tone of the narrator and dialogue are lacking.
5049931
It's a challenge, but not an insurmountable one.
At the onset of writing this, I had a choice between keeping Spike's voice as it sounds on the show, and upgrading it.
I found the former more fun to write than the latter.
Plus, immature immortals are totally a thing.
Saw the word "Heat-Sink", immediately thought of Mech Warrior, just had to say that. I'll comment with something of substance after I read it.
I... don't even know what the fuck is going on here. Also, you need an editor.
5049965
But is you're going to bring that up, you might as well provide some information in the story to let us know how is Equestria dealing with the issues of having an inmortal population.
Instead of just: We are inmortals, YAY!!
Just because they are a 'thing' doesn't make the right...
Still, I can see your point. But there are many kind of immaturity. And you'll have to work out Spike's a little better.
5050653 That's why it's not just a one-chapter story. But don't expect much fleshing-out, precisely because of the reason you Bendered; going into the detail of how such a setting is possible necessitates either massive info-dumping or a very long story that accomodates it. This story is about Spike and Celestia's personal feelings, not about epic sci-fi world-building.
I don't see much point in the "defeating death" thing (and has been said, immortality as a culture is a bit concerning and needs to be thought out more before you just do it like that, here it's just too much "And we were all immortal whoopee! :D"), and Spike is a bit too AWESOME heavy in terms of his words. Well... too RADICAL is a better way to put it. His actual accomplishments are fine, he's just a lil bit too 80s/90s teen here.
That said! You have my interest good sir (and or madam)
Huh...not gunna lie, heck of a start. I'm curious to see where this goes, I'll certainly be interested. Good luck to you and Spike, I think you'll need it.
5049931 All those arguments have been addressed. Repeatedly. Ad nauseum.
And even if they hadn't.... you can do a better job of solving problems if you're ALIVE to solve them.
5056666 Am I supposed to know what are you talking about?
5057701 Your questions and doubts 5049931 are obvious, natural ones, which means that every time a person is introduced to the idea of sustainable universal immortality, they stand a good chance to pop up. This can get tedious, especially when they're posed with a scepticism that often crosses the line into downright rude. It's like having the same conversation over and over again. And when you try to skip it by giving a FAQ link, they don't bother to read it. Please understand how it feels.
5058243 Let me get just one thing straight... You think I'm being 'rude'?
5058357 I wouldn't call you 'rude', but let me quote you:
Do you see how this might come across as uncivil, regardless of intent?
5058598 Yes I see.
5049931
Umm, no people who are immortal can have foals maybe?
5059475 Actually it's not unmanageable for people to have children, as long as the proper measures of control are taken. If, for instance, you let every person have one child in their lifetime, growth will get slower and slower until it is practically imperceptible. An other interesting possible side effect of increased lifespan is the extension of childhood and adolescence much further in time; eternal youth might come together with eternal youthfulness; a brain that conserves its adaptability and ability to learn for much longer, but also a more youthful temperament, and maybe even appearance.
As such, neoteny, which has been crucial in human evolution, may play a crucial role in transhuman development, and, by the same token, transequine and transdraconian. Immortality Immaturity is a narrative shorthand for expressing that in character form, and, more importantly, it's fun
5059605 Do you have any plans to talk about any of this on later chapters?
5063788 Not unless it directly advances the story. I feel that this kind of Sewers of Paris background explanation should stay All There In The Manual. I believe the common compliant is "slows the plot to a grinding halt".
This story isn't a Transhumanist Author Tract; it's intended to be a fluff piece about characters' feelings, that happens to take place in a transequinist setting. I really want to keep the focus on the emotional aspect of this thing.
But perhaps my assumptions may come off as jarring to readers. Do let me know if you'd like to help me avoid confusion in future chapters; I'd welcome a proofreader.
5063928 I want to apologize for my original comment. that definitely wasn't the way to present my concerns for the story.
The thing is (for me, at least): You talk about Twilight chasing the key of immortality through three paragraphs and then suddenly you drop the subject with a very vague statement: Defeating Death!
And I'm like, What does that even mean? How does this immortality works? Once they cast the spell they stop aging? They keep on aging endlessly? Do they still need to eat, drink, breathe in order to stay alive?
Now, to be perfectly honest you don't need to "Explain" any of this. All you have (and must do) in order to make this world tangible in the mind of your audience is to show it at some point.
Did they ever stopped to explain how the light speed, the Force and lightsabers work in Star Wars? Of course not, but they show it in a way that it became self explanatory enough. But when Lucas did tried to explain how the Force works nobody liked it because said explanation ripped all the mystical aspects of the Force.
If you intend to focus on the characters without much world building, that's fine. Her did it as well, and is the best love story I've ever seen since I saw Spice and Wolf.