Human in Equestria16,972 stories ·16,819 members
Transformations5,227 stories ·5,793 members
Queen Chrysalis's Changeling Swarm2,758 stories ·3,960 members
Beings with Super Powers1,118 stories ·1,531 members
Long Reads: 10,000 Words1,700 stories ·659 members
Heroes and Antiheroes of Equestria334 stories ·375 members
Write For Fun, Not Fame5,481 stories ·1,241 members
Displaced1,267 stories ·4,420 members
HIE, a Displaced story.
I dont get it. I didn't even wanna go to that stupid convention. I suck around big crowds. Didn't help, what with all the talk of people dressing up in cosplay going missing. I pick up an Escafil cube off some random table to take a look at it, and now I'm stuck in a world of vibrant pony-people?
Holy rusted metal, Batman! Featured on 4/24/15! And again on 8/5/15!...and... again? on 8/6/15?
Thank you guys so much!~
Page generated in 0.178 seconds
Total duration
701 users online
790,063 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Despite this being an obvious attempt at trying to join a group concept greater than itself, this shows some promise. Though it needs much improvement.
In the 'displaced' type stories I've read, the individual didn't get transported until after they paid for the enchanted item. The way you had him 'pick it up and go' comes off rushed, at least clean it up and expand on it in some way.
All the speech is blunt, making it seem like a singular personality is speaking. Yes, they may have different names, but that often isn't enough.
Way to rush to the 'monster' concept, with Apple Bloom no less. With any one of the crusaders there would probably be a degree of childish curiosity in the beginning. Don't write character's dialogue around what you want to happen, write it around their personality.
If you want the 'monster' introduction so bad, make it believable. Have him come out of the everfree in a way that could be misconstrued as aggressive.
Your tags are wrong for a 'displaced' story, you are not doing a crossover, merely usingoneelement of something else for a HiE story. The 'crossover' tag should be a 'human' tag.-tags seemed to have changed since comment was made-Really? 'You wont even have to worry about the two hour time limit'? I may not know what series the object is from, but that is the most obvious 'make my main character a OP mary sue' thing I have ever seen.
Not to mention that every single other displaced story pegs the merchant as a huge jerk, the kind of person who wouldn't do any sapient being any favors.
Also, it's "won't", and aquired is spelled "acquired" do you ever let spellcheck do it's job?
A displaced story is not something you can rush or do only a half-decent job with. You have to be able to pay attention to detail. Any interaction with other displaced may require that you have some basic understanding of multiverse theory, so you don't write yourself into a 'makes no sense' corner.
Many if not all of the displaced come from seperate human realities (or so it seems from the stories I've read). So saying "what with all the talk of people dressing up in cosplay going missing" in your description makes little sense to me. At least try to explain it in the story.
I've been wanting to write a 'displaced' story myself, but I haven't because I know I'm not ready yet. It is a promising concept, but it needs fixing fast.
Note: I am aware that I have been making changes to my comment, but this is an unusual situation. It is rare for me to find something with such promise that has issues, and is something I myself wish to pursue.
I tried writing once, but knowing a lot about good writing, and actually being a good writer are two different things.
Good start.:)
Has potential, but like beebarb said it could use some work.
Animorph fan here, wonder if the Ellimist or Crayak will show up. Ha just got the title
5039000 well he isn't op yet, let's hope the Author is up to the job here. I've seen so many interesting stories fail after the first few chapters as they quickly become stu's or reuse the same old recycled material of meet main six, live with one of them, insert slice of life here with little difference. The theme of overly friendly human acting like ponies can do no wrong, are always right, meekly obeying them with no emotion other than happy or sad is so terrible. Course same goes for the opposite end of the spectrum when the human is full of rage it suspends belief to how stupid they act and ponies are complete pushovers.
5043313 I didnt put the crossover tag because its not the characters from that series being crossed with mlp.
5043361
The morphing cube should be enough, but alright. Your story your rules...
5043496
Would you believe I'm making it up as I go along?
In all seriousness though, I just keep learning new things. If I have the wrong tags, its my own fault. I actually already changed the tags once(due to my own ignorance) because of the helpful comment by one of the readers.
5043573
5043496 Believe it or not, but that 'morphing cube' alone certainly isn't enough to warrant a story being called a crossover. References and borrowed material are fairly common in many forms of writing.
5046947 I concede that I did not know crossovers had rules as such, if that is the norm then I am not arguing.
What the heck?
5055765
You are a quail!
5055782
No, I meant the story is general, also, is this part of the League Of Humans Acting Villainous group? If so, please don't half-bake this like so many others, please, please, please.......
Also, you can control your gender when morphing, if you're doing a Hybrid morph....
Doing good, wonder how he's gonna handle this particular curveball that life's thrown at him.
I like where you are headed with this, keep it up!
Some typos though:
It's spelled 'acquire', yes phonetically it seems like there isn't a 'c' but, it is indeed there.
It should be that's. It's generally a good idea to at least capitalise acronyms. 'dna' should be written as 'DNA'. Also, 'genetic copy' is redundant when using 'DNA', drop the word 'genetic' from the sentence.
Another minor error, it is 'changelings'
Other than those, you did very well and I look forward to the next chapter. I needed something good after my experience trying to sign up for a Tumblr account.
In case you are curious, Tumblr wrongfully terminated my newly created account the instant I tried to login. I'm almost certain that has to be considered illegal or at least unethical somewhere in the world...
Was the blood part a simplification or a mistake on your part? Notably, Blood often has nasty potential in magic based universes, so that could have ended badly.
5073271 Honestly, its me trying desperately to remember elements about the books. I'm pretty sure that they absorb blood through skin contact via the nanobots that the escafil device put in them, then uses z-space to swap in and out extra tissue for the morphs. In all honesty, the books never really explained it all that well.
5073693 Yea. It never gets explained. I too, once I thought about it, Thought it to use nanobots, each of which has a zero-space engine, and apparently is sufficiently efficient that the kind of energy a human body (or andalites for that matter) is enough to open a portal and add/remove matter and arrange it properly. It tingles due to it breaking your skin and sealing it up afterwards, both of which are detectable by nerves.
In the books, it always states that it uses DNA, but it also seems to partly blueprint off of the target's body, to an extent. Also it is somewhat inconsistent.
Still, I don't think blood ever entered into it.
5073779 Well then, the main characters knowlege is based heavily off of what I know. and if he gets it wrong, oh well. Its not like Twilight is going to raise a fuss about the process not making sense or anything, right?
Nice limit on his power, there's that concern out of the way. And damn him for not leading her on that the device was sapiant for amusement. Oh well guess that would of bit him the ass at some point.
Hah! "Rainbow dumbass" I love it! Keep up the good work. I didn't notice any errors worth worrying about this time. Looking forward to more.
5073693 As a big Animorphs fan who has also read the sequel series Neomorphs... The device works via psionic link and space magic. It was never important to truly explain how it functioned so KA and her ghost writers never realy did. The only important thing is the 2 hour limit, 15 seconds of touch needed to acquire a morph, 2 minutes to morph or demorph (unless you are very talented or put in a lot of practice), and only Estreens (trained performance artists) can go directly from one form to another.
That said - 1000 points for not beginning this with the phrase "My name is _____."
5076516 The point of the displaced is that the merchant has given certain humans certain items from certain different fictions. I established that the merchant has effed with the cube in the first chapter, which is going to have some very bad drawbacks later on.
That said, yes. I made a horrible horrible oversight with the opening. I completely forgot about that aspect, I really havent read the books in years, which I intend to rectify tomorrow. I hope the library has most of the books. I wont be able to read all of them, but perhaps I might be able to get a good feeling for their writing style. Hopefully.
5076516
Also, sequel series Neomorphs?!!? what?!!? THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THIS TO MY ATTENTION
5076516 Edited the opening.
5076657 It's not available for purchase as KA has not approved it but a ghost writer for the series hated the ending and made a 20 or so book long sequel series picking up where Animorphs left off. Here's a link.
http://neopedia.wikidot.com/books
5076718
Thank you thank you thank you!
*Gives you a hug*
5077088 I'm sorry, I didn't know, I changed it as fast as I could...
5076115
I wonder what will happen if he tries to acquire a naturally born alicorn, hmmmm?
ok the last chapter at the end made me want to say to every one in fluttershys home "okay thats it im done with this shit I want to go home now"
5076516 wha? Sequel series? I knew I should of checked on what Applegate was doing but I never got around to it.
OK, I just read your comment detailing neomorphs, still pretty cool
Strike 2 for rainbow, don't think Wade has good first impression for her especially since she was told of his ability and seen it for herself.
5077088
So the Merchant rigged the cube so it could morph clothes as well. Such a modest merchant of mysterious wares.
5077359 It's fine ^.^ People usually get that wrong :P
I think the merchant was discord in disguise. I love flutterbat.
will he talk about the weird merchant and the con? it not bad information daring doo real in there world and was considered a story so human has a show called my little pony? not that big of a deal
you got a pre-reader bro?
5083768
All I got is a ps3 and a usb keyboard.
5083815 ummmmmm............ want me to pre-read then?
5084054 If you wanted to. I mean, I wouldnt want to impose...
5084066 Well if I don't have the time I can hook you up with someone, but for now I'd love to. You see I'm not much of a writer but I'm decent at spotting bad flowing, spelling mistakes, and general errors. I'm looking forward to working with you.
)
(Revised this comment like 5 times!!!!! What is wrong with me!?!?!?!?!
*Dying* OH GOD HE HAD BRAEBURN TIED UP!? XD OH MY FAUST! *ded*
There's only one valid response to the ending. Go apeshit, steal everything that isn't nailed down, and set fire to library, and leave town. It's the only rational response. Oh and you can't forget the maniacal laughter.
I'm joking
I can't help but be tickled amused and annoyed by twilight what wrong with going back? equastria crazy and dangerous it not home he has no real reason to stay stupid merchant adventure's are not fun! ooo twilight I rather live real then live a stupid ignorant paradise, it just your world sometimes it to full of bright blinding light that make things seem like nothing ever wrong it unreal! so it easy for the light to easy blind you to full truths sometimes to the shadows and illusions within it that are long and hidden without your knowledge poor thing you just don't understand! childish thing to thinking he crazy wanting to go back! it your world with friends and family to help you in life your whole life it familiar it home! to him no family or old friends stranger in a strange land with nothing to his name then a power that bring trouble it just hasn't hit him yet how bad it really is yet that he at the mercy of anything fate throws sure are world has different shade of greys and no magic to make a quick fix for the long run problems no safety nets but we manage to still live a society or attempt at it not perfect but we are alive and try though trial and error the best we can.
I mean sure few are bad not majority mind you it happen to be either a product of there raising, experience, environment or just plain crazy or uncaring but what can we do to them really? can't banish or kill can't mind alter or make a example it not "right" in are time's there rule's for a reason to be morally right for public and society say a lot already we got people wanting a better life or achieving a goal or dream but there so many ways to get it both bad and good.
You know it's funny with his morphing powers he could just morph a random pony, watch as the main six freak out and laugh as they assume he high tailed it out of there. Or maybe morph a random pony and leave to find a way home if twilight doesn't have a way to get him back. Assuming that his main priority is getting home, he could leave anytime. The only thing stopping him would be any sense of responsibility for damaging Applejack's property or that he already gave his word he would fix the wall. At the very least I hope he gets the job done soon so he's free to chose his own path.
5099502
-Hey girls, have you seen anypony without a cutie mark walking around?
-yeah, I saw two Honey Blossoms, one didn't have a cutie mark.
5099529 damn, forgot that detail, still would be possible though if he REALLY wanted to though. But I'm sure he'll just deal with having to work for Applejack for a bit. Though I'm serious about our protagonist needing a personal goal so we know what he strives to accomplish.