friedlambo
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Ready for the worst clop-fic in history?
Naw, just kidding.
Alright, usually, I put an author's note at the last few lines of any chapter/fiction that I submit here on this site, but I felt that a comment was most appropriate for this particular occasion.
This was, as you might have been able to tell, my very first clop-fiction; it's horrible, it's boring, and it's most certainly not the most interesting fiction that any of you have stumbled upon in a while. But just know this; I write simply for fun. It's what I'm here on this site for. Hell, this fiction may be pretty, well, crappy, but I still feel considerably proud for even having posted it in the first place, regardless of its horribleness.
And boy, do I ever have a terrible choice of words, by that meaning relatively restricted vocabulary. I suck at coming up with different words that have the same meaning. I mean, how many times did I use the word "causing" in this? Christ, it's unbearably embarrassing.
But you know what? I could hardly care less.
Enjoy what you choose to enjoy in this one-shot.
Oh, and just something that I would like to point out in terms of Spike's age and everything; in this fiction, we're going to disregard the whole "dragons age a hell-of-a-lot slower than ponies" thing, as I feel that the drama of the situation is used in too many Sparity fictions out there as it is. I mean, I know that he probably does age slower (well, most likely. It hasn't been proved in the show or anything), but in this fiction, he ages only a tad slower than ponies. Rarity isn't some old mare in this or anything.
A friend of mine also kept suggesting and giving me the idea to possibly write a sequel, in which I would focus on the Sweetie Belle side of things. Let me know what you guys think.
Oh, and PS; why in God's name is there a chapter-long gap from the ending of this fiction to the bottom? Annoying as hell.
Dis bitch be tasty. POSION IN DA PUSSEH.
Wait... you're alive?
i1.ytimg.com/vi/xfYnZtDg6pM/maxresdefault.jpg
This gon be a good day
Holy fuck your back!!
one word to discribe this? Fantastic.
Glad to see you back!
This... Was actually really good. Nice.
whitediamond's art is really great , she's the reason i had to make a rarity + applejack subfolder.....
This is a really good story. Hopefully yu can make more if these.
HNGGGGGGGGGGG!!! Oh my Celestia that was something else! Truly beautiful and a testament to the evils of the friend zone! Its all so cliche(in a awesome way) and sweet and it makes me giddy! And the end just puts a smile on your face.
Rarity, the most beautiful stallion in all of Equestria, has never slept with another stallion before?
Uh huh. Interesting thought there, Spike.
PERFECTION
I direct you to my avatar.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/1/27/2397__safe_sweetie+belle_image+macro_reaction+image_artist-colon-uc77_that+is+beautiful.png
Great story... But you need an editor (hint hint) because there are several issues with the story too long to place in comments.
Meanwhile...
Twilight: So, how did it go?
Rainbow: Even better than you've planned. That ol' drake even gave her the D! Her first time too!
Twilight: Really? Wow. Way to go Spike. Oh, thanks again for the weather.
Rainbow: Heh, if it means I get a day off, I'd have done it sooner. See ya, Twi. Lemme know when he gets back.
Twilight: I will. One down, four to go.
3350767
Next stop Pinkie Pie.
A very nice story, not the best I've ever seen, but still very nicely written. I would more than likely read it again. Just... probably not as a clopfic. There's a difference between a clopfic and a mature-romance fic.
Still, good to see your still writing and I'm glad you enjoyed writing this. The sequal would be curious to see, through I'm not sure how it'll go...
This was quite impressive.
Very well done, man.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3349498 What about his back?
3350767
Four to go?
...
Oh, right. Gotcha.
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/so-beautiful.gif
"So, are you wanting to sleep now, or-?"
Spike was still showing her mow much he cared for
But....this was also so...so wrong. A dragon and a pony?
And so, Rarity spontaneously completely forgot about Sweetie and Spike's relationship.
I really want to like this story but there are just so many out of character moments and inconsistencies....
The story was great, I just wanted to get that out there BEFORE I voice my issues with it.
1.) The use of the word man in a story that is not even seemingly anthromorphized.
2.) Some issues of using the wrong word, like cervix when he broke her maidenhead, or a mistiming of the word elicited.
3.) A small issue in reality, but using curse words is a bit crude.
703437
Don't you freaking dare doubt yourself. This was amazing. The feels nearly killed me.
Um...all the parts where you said "cervix", you want "hymen". Because if he's penetrating the cervix, something has gone terribly wrong and poor Rarity needs medical assistance immediately.
Grammar feels a bit wonky in this sentence; using present tense instead of past tense, could omit "more" in "a bit more nicer"
Umm...not sure what to think about that one.
"tended to sleep in a still, calm state." or "always slept in a still, calm state." sounds cleaner.
Actually, there are a lot more than these, I just noticed these ones and stopped keeping track.
It was a bit fast, but that was a lampshade hung by the story itself.
That was pretty good.
This was good, as in i got a boner.
FROM THE DESCRIPTION, I ASSUME SPIKE GETS SMOTHERED TO DEATH WITH A PILLOW BY RARITY AS HE SLEEPS AFTER SEX, TYING UP THE ONE LOOSE END SHE EVER HAD.
Well done man I enjoyed reading this keep up the good work
It does need a look-through from an editor, but I did like the story despite this.
The bit where you confuse the hymen and cervix was funny, though.
3354202 3354675
It infuriates me that so many fic writers have picked this up from hentai. I even see it sometimes in porn on Literotica, where you'd expect authors to know what they're doing. I almost prefer the authors who think you can use syrup as lube.
3353841
#2 is the main issue here.
Also, in the first part there's serious issues with tense-swapping.
... And maybe it was just a bit cheesy? Both of them virgins but practically being sexual experts? The simultaneous orgasm and calling out each other's names. ... Nnh, cheesy.
Otherwise, this was cute.
3353973 I know, I almost cried because of the feels. ALMOST. I haven't cried to a fan fic since I read My Little Dashie, and I cried A LOT while reading My Little Dashie. So all in all this was a good story.
3354793
The other two irk me on a more personal level, especially using man in a pony story... We humans are called Mankind for a reason...
I loved it jolly good show and good job I said it once and ill say it again I loved it
This was an amazing clopfic, if i may call it that... what am I saying? I can't call it that! I have to call it perfection!
Beautiful, truly beautiful. Highly impressed, puts anything I have ever written to shame big time. I am highly surprised that I found something this beautiful here on fimfiction. I try not to favorite clop fics because then my followers can see it, but I am so needing to. My eyes started to water a bit. I loved this so much. Awesome work here, I am gonna reread this quite a few times in hopes to improve my own romantic kissing scenes
umm what?
Strange weather.
Strange. Very strange.
This was... Mediocre.
The pacing was too quick, the dialogue was stiff and artificial, the tense switching was terrible, the descriptions were overwritten, the writing was telly and repetitive, and the sex was surgical rather than passionate.
That being said, you did a pretty good job at distinguishing the character's voices and the story overall was pretty well thought out.
Dafuqu is with dat title, tho?
3355219 remember their weather is not like ours, its controlled by Pegasi, so that is very likely
3355255
Still got that ass tho
3355255
I'll agree with some points, disagree with others. The feelings were well developed and it wasn't rushed as you said.
Tense-switching was annoying like hell.
The dialogue was stiff, as it should be: they are nervous, weigh every word and in the end make a mess of it anyway.
The descriptions were overwritten, not by much, but yes, I felt like skipping paragraphs at times. I just skimmed the cloppy part, but... well, the screams were a little too loud (I'd freak out if my partner went "AAAAGHGHH!" after I barely touched her privates - and Spike casually began "circular motion"). A generic clop with common mistakes, nothing too special.
I agree with the Dafuqu too.
3350767 All of YES. All of it.
I'm not usually one to be a picky man, 'marshmallow-colored mare' completely, completely ruined the tone. Try ivory, alabaster, or even just white.
i liked it
had some "so so" points in the story but still a very good one with a nice story build up... the Sweetie Belle twist was nice
i give it a solid 8/10
good mature romance
has a nice "clop" but isn't a "clopfic"
I wasn't impressed by this, but I did enjoy the idea of it. The change from "just friends" to "sexual lovers" was WAY too quick though, especially after everything that had been set up beforehand. Your writing style is good but you have a lot of typos.
Overall, good job. The clop section was nice, and everything else was nice. They didn't quite match each other though.
3355530
I can see stiff dialogue, but this still felt artificial to me, and I feel there's a difference between the two.