Pins and needles in her eyes, her heartbeat drumming away in her ears, and a taste in her mouth best left undescribed. Yes, it appeared Rarity had a decidedly unsophisticated hangover.
She rolled over, pulling her excessively large, soft white pillow over her head, making desperate prayers to Celestia, Luna, or whatever creature locked away in Tartarus who would answer. There was absolutely no way this morning could get any worse.
Then Rarity remembered what she had done last night, proving herself exceedingly wrong. She shot up, ignoring the stabby-stabby sunlight pouring into her eyes, blinking groggily. She had to find Rainbow.
What sort of low life mare takes a pony's virginity when they're that... tipsy?
Rarity hobbled downstairs to the kitchen, pouring water into a kettle and placing it on the heating element. Tea would help. Tea always helped. Whilst the water was heating she plodded back up to her ensuite. Just because she had lost her virginity was no excuse not to look her very best. Makeup and grooming equipment fit for a small, fabulous army shot out of drawers and off of shelves; Rarity ignored the shooting pain in her head that concentrating on her magic with a hangover was giving her.
Let nopony say she didn't suffer for her fabulosity.
Speaking of suffering, and the infliction thereof, Rarity had to find Rainbow Dash. Soon. Storming back down to the kitchen, greeted by the ear-piercing whistling shriek of the kettle, Rarity quickly nudged it off the heat, waiting for the scream to die down. She waited until she no longer wished to evacuate her mostly empty stomach from the noise. She did not think that through very well.
Tea was poured with milk, two sugars and a little help from the liquor cabinet to make the morning bearable. Much better.
Now to see how Twilight Sparkle was coping.
A short time later, Rarity found herself at the great door of Twilight's castle. She knocked, twice, letting the dull thuds ring out, a beautiful hollow crystal chime. It was echoed by a loud, pained groan from inside.
A few seconds passed before Spike opened the door. "Oh, hey Rarity. I, uh, don't think Twilight's up to seeing anypony right now. She's, uh, grown up sick."
Rarity waited until Spike glanced away before she allowed herself the opportunity to roll her eyes. "I'm aware of Twilight's condition, Spikey-Wikey, but I'm afraid this is a matter of the utmost urgency. My very dignity is at stake here!"
Spike's eyes widened and he stepped away from the door, ushering Rarity inside. "Well, if it's so important, I suppose..."
"Thank you very much, dear. Now, where is she?"
"She's in bed. Pinkie Pie's making her pancakes, if you want some."
Rarity's still-sore eyes twitched at that. "So Pinkie Pie slept here last night, did she?"
Spike smirked. "I found her on the floor. I tried to move her but she was, uh, a bit big."
"You were a gentledragon to try, Spike, but I'm afraid when Pinkie Pie does not wish to be moved, well, she shan't be moved. Though, I will admit, I am regretting skipping breakfast."
"The kitchen's this way."
Spike led the way through gorgeous crystal halls. It was hard to believe this place had literally just popped out of the ground like magic. Though if one remembered it wasn't just like magic, but the real honest-to-Celestia deal, then it became rather less amazing to consider. Frankly it almost felt like cheating.
The kitchens were the same crystal as the rest of the castle – Rarity couldn't see how Twilight could stand to live in a place so uniformly gaudy – with a crystal ice-box, a crystal oven, crystal stoves and a decidedly not crystal pony dancing between them, whistling loudly and happily to herself.
"Alright, now, Spike, I'm sure you would like to be a big help in what comes next, but what comes next is me dealing with Twilight in her current... condition."
Spike nodded, taking the chance to scurry off. "Yep, good luck with that." Then, as he was walking away, scarce so that Rarity heard him, "You're gonna need it."
Rarity turned now to the pink ball of energy bouncing and bobbing around the kitchen.
"Good morning, Pinkie Pie," Rarity said with an utter lack of enthusiasm. This didn't seem to bother Pinkie Pie at all.
"Oh, good morning Rarity. Isn't it such a wonderful day? The sun's just so bright today, wouldn't you agree?"
Rarity's look spoke volumes to her level of agreement.
Pinkie plowed on, unfazed. "Would you like some pancakes? With extra maple syrup?"
"That sounds lovely, Pinkie Pie."
Rarity didn't need to ask why Pinkie Pie wasn't hungover. Pinkie Pie was immune to such trivial things. Even after a night of heavy drinking she could bounce right back and make pancakes with a big, silly smile plastered all over her face.
On mornings like these, when you just wanted to wallow in your misery, it made her almost insufferable.
"So, what you back here for, so soon?" Pinkie asked conversationally, deftly flipping a pancake with a skill and dexterity Rarity could only admire, and resent a little bit. "Did you lose something?"
Rarity sighed. "In a very real sense, yes, I did."
"Oh. Well, we'll stuff some food into Twilight and see if she can't help you look, then, how's that sound?"
"Absolutely wonderful. I don't suppose she's in a very talkative mood right now, is she?"
"Nah, Twilight's a mean old sourpuss right now. I think she had just a teeny tiny way too much lot to drink last night."
"I think we all did, Pinkie." Rarity stared at the sizzling pancakes, salivating just a little.
"Okay, these look done. Let's go see Twilight! I'll make some more for you whilst you and Twilight look."
Pinkie flipped a pancake onto a plate and drizzled maple syrup on it, then threw the plate up and caught it on top of her head, balancing it.
Rarity's hangover throbbed dully just at the sight of her.
She followed Pinkie Pie up a long, long, agonizingly long flight of stairs to the top of the castle. No wonder Twilight stayed so trim in spite of her... spectacular eating habits.
At the top of the stairs, and in the center of another long corridor, lay a pair of glistening crystal doors, which Rarity deduced was probably Twilight's bedroom. Pinkie trotted up to them and knocked loudly, thud thud. She was rewarded for her efforts with a huge groan from Twilight.
The door opened and Twilight flung the blankets over her heard, groaning even louder. The crystal curtains were all drawn, and the dark, stuffy room reeked of sweat and the salty-spiciness of red wine, a smell which made Rarity's head throb again.
"Hi, Twilight!" Pinkie called out with as much bright enthusiasm as she could conceivably muster, and then a little more for good measure, "Your pancakes are ready! Oh, and I brought Rarity. Ready, Rarity?"
The plate of pancakes was wordlessly levitated off of Pinkie's head and zipped towards the bed. "She's all yours." Pinkie nodded, heading back down the excessive flight of stairs. Twilight really needed an elevator...
Rarity smoothly, quietly, navigated herself to Twilight's Princess-sized-bedside. "Hello, dear. I'm sorry for bothering you at a time like this, but I suspected you'd be in a more amenable mood if I arrived with the pancakes."
Twilight groaned, head still under the covers. A corner lifted up and the plate shot under it. Rarity rolled her eyes.
"Yes, dear, I had as much to drink as you last night, I know that feeling."
"You didn't have to wake up to Pinkie Pie," Twilight pointed out miserably, between what sounded like massive bites.
"Yes, I imagine that was quite... She is rather peppy, isn't she?"
Twilight just groaned again, and Rarity rolled her eyes, glad Twilight couldn't see through the blanket.
"Rarity, do you know what a catch-22 is?"
"Hrrm? Well, I should think so, but why bring it up?"
"Because I know a hangover cure spell," Twilight explained, mouth obviously full, "but I'm too hungover to cast it."
"Ah. That is most unfortunate, isn't it?"
"Why are you here, Rarity?" Twilight sighed, an empty plate wheedling its way back out of the covers.
"Rainbow Dash-"
"Oh! Right! I remember now. Oh... oh, I am never notarizing drunk again. I am so sorry I did that."
"I assure you, dear, you cannot possibly be as sorry as I. I was going to request a cloudwalking spell, or perhaps to borrow your balloon, so that I might chase after Rainbow, but I see you're in no condition-"
There was a bright purple flash underneath the covers, and a pained shout. Twilight's head popped up from under the rim, ears perked up, eyes wide and attentive.
"Hangover cure spell cast. The pancakes really helped. Would you like to be next?"
"Pinkie Pie's already making me pancakes downstairs, but thank you for your generous offer."
"No, I meant the hangover cure spell. I can cast it on other ponies, too."
Rarity blinked. "You would be my savior, if that were true."
There was another bright purple flash. Rarity felt like her brains were being scrambled by a rubber whisk before, a second later, reforming in their correct and proper place. She swayed a little side to side on her hooves, leaning against the bed.
"Wow. That was... quite something?"
"Feel better?"
"Much," Rarity confirmed. "Now, about Rainbow..."
"Oh, don't worry, I plan on getting your virginity back too. I notarized it, I'm at least partially responsible. Also, and this is no small factor, I think the element of loyalty needs to sit through a friendship lesson. Particularly about buying your friend's virginity when she's too drunk--" Rarity gave Twilight a look heavy with meaning. A Look, even. Twilight gulped nervously, "I mean, tipsy."
Rarity's Look softened, and she sat at the corner of the bed. "How do you propose we do that?"
"Balloon, cloudwalking spell..." There was a purple flash, and a can with a strange, conical nozzle hovered in the air at about eye height between Twilight and Rarity, "and, finally, an airhorn."
Oh, that last line is just evil
airhorn when sufering from a hangover
5014899
Curse you! Now I've lost The Game for the third time this morning! I haven't even left the house yet!
*Grins* This should be fun.
Ooooh, Twilight. You're so creatively evil.
Also, I can't help but think that Sike should be a gentledragon, and not a genteldragon.
...Pinkie Pie is immune to triviality, isn't she?
This phenomenon must be studied further.
Pinkie Pie reminds me of me. Recently, after a party my sister and I had to get up early to catch a train. I woke up easily and then I had to drag my sister around the town for half of the day...
I guess the castle was designed by Sombra...
If there was no "back" in this sentence, it'd sound a bit creepy...
I have no idea why I just read this. Still, I didn't see any mistakes so far!
5015863
*Offence, not of fence.
You should make sure you don't make any mistakes when correcting someone else who was correcting someone else!
(I am now continuing the joke)
5014344
12 hours later and I fixed it. I'm just that punctual, aren't I?
I see where this is going. Buying back Rarity's virginity with a hangover cure and a blowhorn.
Very funny story. I can't wait for more.
Of course Pinkie's immune to hangovers. A party talent is going to give some resistance to the aftereffects.
In any case, this looks like it's going to be an enjoyable little romp. I look forward to more.
An airhorn against a hungover Rainbow? Twilight, you are an evil, EVIL mare.
Semi-related!
So many lols
5015927 You got there first...
So many lols
5015927 You got there first...
Because the plot demands it!
Well, when it come to Rainbow Dash, I suppose that radical measures are required.
I'm sure this will end well.
hmmm the air horn has me intrigued....
Ouch. Airhorn while hungover.
Just don't be too evil to blast it to her ears.
Or do, Twi certainly knows a spell to fix a popped ear drum
Though good luck getting the virginity back from an irate Dashie, she might just really sell it to the highest bidder as a reverse trolling move
Oh now that's just uncalled for.
Karma applied via airhorn, seems appropriate.
assets.farmandfleet.com/p600/607783-20121004235710-attwood-signal-air-horn.jpg
You ain't fooling anyone Twilight. We all know the real reason you notarized it....and why you want to get it back.
Twilight: "Here Rarity. I bought it from Rainbow. Now.... it's your turn to pay up."
Rarity: "Thank you Darling... wait.... what??"
5016074
I got where first? And double post!
Airhorn! (covers ears) Bring it!!!
I suspect that Rainbow Dash already sold Rarity's virginity last night, and they're all going to have to go on a merry chase tracking it down as it was traded from pony to pony.
It's interesting to note that the main 6 all seem to be treating the paper like it is Rarity's virginity itself, with no other meaning. However, the way that it was worded makes it sound like a coupon to have sex with Rarity, and I fear some stallion is going to acquire and attempt to redeem it.
Shouldn't they also teach Fluttershy a lesson? After all, she's the one who sold Rarity's virginity to Rainbow in the first place, and she was completely sober when she did that.
5016295
A. Twilight drunk or not it's a legal notorized document given of her own free will and as her own idea unless she buys it back herself, pardoning her from it would be cronyism
Rainbow Dash deserves tthe airhorn at this point.
You see, this is one of the reasons I don't drink. I don't criticize those that do, but I don't. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
head
Sneaky period is sneaky.
Balloon, Cloud walking spell, air horn, AND pie.
Heheheh, Rainbow, I am sorry, but you REALLY kinda deserve this.
Meanwhile, Buttersqueak is waking up, looking at her pile of bits, and...
"Angel Bunny? Momma is going to be taking a little trip. I'll be back in about a week or so. Las Pegasus is so lovely this time of year..."
5016296 You beat me in correcting that guys correction of a correction. Lol.
And damn you double posts!!!
Uhh...this IS Rarity we're talking about here, right?
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140317101226/mlp/images/e/ed/Rarity_wearing_a_big_hat_S4E18.png
THIS Rarity?
So, Rarity had Aces trips, Twilight had aces and eights, and Fluttershy had an ace to five straight.
Um, can we talk about how either someone was obviously cheating, or how Equestrian Poker is different from ours in that it has six of each number card in its deck?
5017035
Oh.
5017216 never mind my idiocy. This is obviously hold em that they were playing. I'm mentally kicking myself for not picking up on that.
5017216
Texas Holdem, Rarity has two aces, Twilight had one, and one was in the center so everyone had access to it.
Amusing. So amusing, I have prepared a bit of recursive fanfiction in homage:
"Your Highness, Lady Rarity, I would be indebted if you would listen to this very, very carefully," Dotted said with extreme care, placing each syllable in its place like a pony building, not a house, but a bouncy castle of cards.
"Uh. Yes?"
"Notarizing things doesn't make them real. I'm a notary public. I can notarize anything I please. As you may imagine this does not give me the authority to enforce unilateral edicts."
"But I signed it," said Rarity looking like she'd rather be anywhere else.
"Drunk. You signed it drunk."
"Tipsy!"
"Intoxicated. Also, it's unenforceable. There's no exchange of consideration. Technically it's more of a bond denominated in a soi-disant currency backed by, um, your virginities. Which you can't issue. Because you aren't a central bank. And if you were it's questionable if you would have a virginity. Or any method by which you could be said to have lost it."
"Ah."
"So I wouldn't worry about it," said Dotted and then leaned back with a look in his eyes that Leafy had he been there would have described as 'dangerous,' Spinny as 'Impending Doom Look #4,' and the Prime Minister as 'that look you get just before you ruin somepony's life,' "However."
"However," asked Rarity, concern etched on her face.
"If you wish to... impress upon Lady Dash the magnitude of her poor judgement...?"
Twilight nodded, slowly and so did Rarity, only considerably less so. Dotted smiled. Spinny would have called that one 'Approaching Shark #1.' Everypony else wouldn't have called it anything as they would be too busy retreating to minimum safe distance[1]. Dotted's grim gray aura reached into his saddlebags and produced a flurry of ancient parchment.
"Let's see here... Ah. The Slavery Discouragement Act of 451 defines slave bond-holding as 'holding paper that disinterested arbitrage esteemeth at a certain value in coin and which includes the guarantee of compelled servitude,' and the Diamond Dog Empire War Act of 502 says that, let's see, "The State of Equestria, and all her holdings, and the Solar Crown—ammended at 1001 to include 'and the Cynthian Crown'—are in perpetuity in a state of war, the codicils of the second Dusk and Dawn Treaty nonwithstanding, with all slave-holders, slave-takers, and slave bond holders."
The two mares blinked. Twilight's eyes brightened up. Rarity's didn't.
"Of course," said Twilight eyes perking up, "it's a bit extreme of course but... it won't be serious, won't it?"
"Of course not, Your Highness. Merely amusing."
"Excuse me. Both of you. I'm afraid I must have mislaid my law degree. Could either of you explain yourselves?"
"Well, my Lady, by a tenuous but, crucially, legal interpretation of Equestrian law Lady Rainbow Dash can be classified as a 'slave bond holder.'"
"Slave?"
"Would you give your, uhm, virginity in exchange for that piece of paper willingly?"
"No!"
"Technically slavery then. And that means that somepony—say the Royal Coordinator of Security Services—could give out the order to have Lady Dash apprehended. By the Royal Dragoons. And the Guard. And the 137th Armored Air Column. And HMAS Dauntless. And... well you get the idea. And since they are doing drills nearby anyway it's not even a strain on the resources."
"Oh," said Rarity, "I assume we have to find this Royal Coordinator, then?"
"You found him," said Dotted with a very, very, very wide grin.
"Oh," said Rarity. Then a smile began to spread across her features. It could be fairly described as 'savage.' Also, 'terrifying,' 'menacing,' 'manticore-esque,' and 'eschatological.' Just as it threatened to shear the top of her head off, it disappeared.
"She... she won't be hurt, will she," Rarity asked.
"No, no, no. There's strict orders. She's perfectly safe. Won't be hurt a bit. She may be... disconcerted. "
The smile came back.
[1] Semi-official estimates from the Royal Committee for Grumpy Secretary Management And Prophylactic Teafication state that this is conservatively about eighty thousand miles.
5017189
But she doesn't live IN the hat.
I find it very hard to imagine Pinkie saying "whilst" other than to say how funny a word it is (which I could totally see her doing)
Pretty sure that u should be an a
There seems to be either an extra r or and extra a in that last word. You can probably figure out which
And of course, we all know there is going.
Rainbow Dast lost her virginity while flying home last night.
That should be "a pony's virginity".
5017376
I will note that signing things while drunk has no bearing on their validity unless you are so plastered you literally can't tell what you're signing.
As Rarity was nowhere near that plastered, her poor decision would stand in that sense. Though other issues would, of course, arise. On the other hand, it is very tenuous to claim that as a slave-bond; it is entirely legal to sell contracted services, and in the common vernacular, someone's "virginity" would suggest that they have the right to sleep with you. It may, however, be illegal to sell that particular contracted service due to laws against prostitution, and there are additional legal difficulties which come into play when it comes to such acts, due to the various laws about rape and suchlike. It also may qualify as "indentured servitude" of some sort, which may or may not fall under the umbrella of slavery depending on how the terms are legally defined.
Of course, all of the above notwithstanding, given that we all know that Rainbow Dash lost her virginity flying home the previous evening, any such act being performed upon her would be a very unjustified use of force, and would probably qualify as harassment.
5017767
Spectacularly tenuous to say it is a slave-bond. But—in the universe of the ficlet which isn't even really in canon with my serviceverse—it is legal. Barely. And, yes, dispatching an armored column to find someone is a bit mean. So's using an airhorn. And obviously this sub-universe doesn't run on the rules of good sense. Otherwise both Rainbow and Dotted would be staggeringly OOC.
And actually, yes, Rarity would be technically guilty of soliciting or something. Quite obviously I'm not a lawyer[1]. I don't even play one on the internet. But I thought a strained legal interpretation leading to overkill would be funnier. Clearly I was wrong. Sorry.
[1] Neither is Dotted, actually. But he picks up things fast. And Leafy "Loophole" Salad there to help.
5017885
Don't worry, I was amused by your comment.
5017899
Ah.
pony's
Fully understanding the circumstances, this still seems cruel.
5014260 The humor doesn't come from him being able to: it comes from how pitifully hard he tries.