I'll never forget that day. The day I forever changed a friend of mine. Fluttershy.....I'll be willing to share with you the odd things I've noticed about her since the incident at Sweet Apple Acres. I never really told any pony that I couldn't get over the mistake I made. How could I let this happen?! I've led this innocent pony to be devoured within animalistic insanity......I have a gnawing feeling that my spell did much more then I had anticipated.
I've corrupt her with a hunger that would never be satisfied. And a darkness that would never escape her.......
Chapters (1)
CONGRATULATIONS!
Your story just won a full proofreading from me for little other reason than I was bored! It's actually quite lucky you kept this chapter short, or I wouldn't have bothered to correct the whole thing. So, here you go. Enjoy!
peeking
The bones are protected by other layers which would have to break off first. (see below)
bare-foot-horses.com/images/hoofparts3.jpg
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takingdrawing (taking breath is almost always voluntary, not reflexive as it would be in this case)- heavy breaths, (comma)
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in and out her fragile chest(rephrase and fix prepositions -- see below)Breath goes into the chest, not in the chest. Also, she can't take or draw breaths out her chest. She has to exhale or release breath from her chest.
down, squirming (combine with a comma and no capitalization)
- Correct the preposition here. "In her skin" implies that the shard was already in her skin and it pierced it from the inside, within her. "Into her skin," on the other hand, would mean that it pierced through the surface of the skin and into the skin itself.
- skin, blood (combine with comma and no capitalization)
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steamingstreaming"Conceal" is used when something is being hidden from someone's view, but you haven't mentioned anybody watching her. The reader has to assume that he/she is the one you're talking about. In other words, it's like saying, "The swarm concealed her body from you."
Implying that the reader is physically present in the scene like this is awkward and distracts the reader from the illusion you're trying to create for them (ruining the reader's immersion). If you only want to say that her body is completely covered in bats, then just say that instead, or use thesaurus.com to find a better word (like "enveloped").
sink
Rephrase.
"Trailed out from her sleep," means that the screams physically left her sleep via a trail or in a trail-formation.
bunny, Angel, had (commas)
Correct the preposition again. To "rush by her side" means to rush someplace while next to or by her. You probably mean "rush to her side."
- Oh... Angel (add a space)
- Angel, i-it (comma)
- Using more or less than three periods for an ellipsis, like in, "was......" is poor formatting and detracts from the look and feel of your writing (for most mature readers). Instead, you can just correct the ellipsis, "..." or add a narrative note, like, "'Angel, i-it was...' Fluttershy froze, words inadequate to describe what she felt, 'horrible!'"
face. He (new sentence)
- bed, and (comma)
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all the way he wenthe went all the way (rephrase)- dark, after all, and (commas)
- and it was (no capitalization)
- Remove the spaces preceding the beginning of the paragraph, or at least indent every paragraph consistently throughout the chapter with the same number of spaces. Check every line since this is a problem throughout your writing.
- "Huh?" (capitalize)
its (remove apostrophe)
- Adjust the indentation to be consistent again. Check every line twice.
- and, to her surprise, it (commas)
- Using a question mark after "time?" creates a conflict between the narrative voice and the character's inner monologue. The way you have it written here, the question mark makes it read as though the narrator, you the writer, are asking the reader a question. This interrupts the reader's immersion in the story, making it hard to be fully absorbed in it. Most of the time you do well with this, but here you ought to consider rephrasing so that it's clear that the question is in Fluttershy's thoughts or else simply change the question to a statement (use a period).
- Rephrase.
This means the music from the music box was being played halfway through some other tune from an unspecified source. In other words, you're saying that the music box started playing along with some other song that had already started (halfway in).
- Also, "tune" is more applicable when you're talking about the whole song, and not just part of it. "Melody" is a better word.
- Furthermore, to say "through a melody" or "through a tune" is unclear at best. Even if you rephrased it as, "The music began halfway through a melody," it still can sound like you're talking about two different songs, one that's beginning, and another that's already reached halfway, through which the other melody is playing simultaneously. Something less wordy is called for, like, simply, "A melody started playing halfway in," or, better yet, "The box played the second half of a song."
tune. It (combine with a semicolon instead of a comma, OR start a new sentence.)
- Rephrase.
To "yawn away" means that she would have yawned several times or for an extended period of time, like, "They chatted away the evening," or, "She drank away her grief." Maybe you mean, "she yawned carelessly to the pretty melody," or something similar.
- If you changed "tune" to melody earlier, then you could chance this to "tune" instead, if you like to avoid reusing the word for any reason.
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goodwell- Rephrase.
"She had never slept well for many nights" means that, over the course of many nights, she hadn't slept well, even once.
Center all of these consistently in your chapter. Some are centered, some indented, and some are all the way to the left. Bonus points if they line up exactly with each other nicely.
- Correct the indentation. Check every line in the chapter.
- up, clutching her pillow, with (commas) ("clutch" is transitive and needs no preposition "onto")
Rephrase.
This means that the puddle is sinking like a ship sinks in the ocean, that the puddle of drool will stop floating on the surface of the pillow case.
nightstand and (combine with no period, no comma, and no capitalization)
- Alright, my (comma)
- friends. Time (new sentence) OR friends; time (semicolon)
- to a ripe (preposition)
- juicy-looking (hyphen)
- apple, just (combine with a comma and no capitalization)
- of every drop (preposition)
- from her mouth (preposition)
- oatmeal, then (comma)
- looked back (redundant)
- noticed, but (combine with comma and no capitalization)
- busy with their own stomachs (rephrase to be less wordy)
Fix the ellipsis after "the," (only 3 periods is correct) or insert narrative pauses like I mentioned before that describe the effect you're trying to create with the periods.
- back..." She (correct elipsis and sentence fragment)
"then she closed the door behind her," is an incomplete sentence fragment. You can take out, "then," and start a new sentence, or you can combine it with the previous sentence, making it...
'she hesitated, "I'll be right back..." then she closed the door behind her.' (note the comma instead of the period after 'hesitated')
Applejack
"Fluttershy (remove space before quotation mark)
Applejack" (correct name and remove comma since it's unneeded for a block quote)
The whole letter from Applejack was very roughly grammar-ed. I'm sorry I don't have the heart to correct it.
torn; she (semicolon or new sentence)
that, if (comma)
while surrounded (more succinct)
orchard, but (combine with comma and no capitalization)
go, she (comma)
- everypony
Spellcheck won't recognize it, but this is written like the word "everybody," without a space. Also correct this in your story description.
- everypony, especially (combine with comma and no capitalization)
AJ, who (comma)
now? ... (add space after question mark and correct ellipsis)
As for the subject matter and style, beyond your need to work on grammar and punctuation, I really enjoyed the tone and flow of the writing. You seemed to put real effort into it, polishing it with spell check, and I've seen worse for grammar and punctuation. The descriptions were pleasantly rich without being overdone in most cases, making it nice to read as long as the reader doesn't get caught up on errors.
The story itself doesn't seem like a very original one, and it's a bit dark for my personal taste, but, for first times, it seems like a fun one to write, and, if you enjoy it, then that's all that really matters. Many readers do like darker things, so you'll have some interest if you keep going with it in that direction, though it will limit you a bit if you're aiming for popularity. (I don't recommend trying to get popular on your first fic, though.)
Readers who are like you will like what you write, if you write what you like.
I highly recommend finding a good writer help group, but, even with multiple volunteer editors, you'll need to try and improve over time if you want much of a readership. For now, I recommend you just enjoy what you write, and don't worry about ratings.
5025409 one word. WOW thank you so much for your feedback and I understand that you were just helping to improve it. Yes I definitely need to improve on the things you listed. I know it seems unoriginal at first but I did want to make it slower paced than the other Flutterbat fics. Eventually the story will unfold. Again, I really do appreciate your comment!
5026424 I'm really happy I could help and that you appreciate the fruits of my bored night at work. Welcome to being a fimfic writer!
How long for chapter two I wonder.......
We'll except for some grammar and punctuation here and there this story is great! A lot better then first fanfic I wrote 3-4 years ago that's for sure. I really liked how you described Angel getting the music box. Keep up the amazing work!
I like it! Keep it up!
5025389
Congrats on that. Not many would do it that detailed.
Please continue this story! You are very good at this!