A brony who's constantly traveling around
A dragon falls from the sky right onto Fireside Chat's front lawn as he's playing make believe, landing on his toy sword Fireside abandons while running in terror. After asking the dying dragon for his sword back, he pulls his sword free and realizes the appearance of a dragon head cutie mark must mean that he's ready to start his career of slaying dragons.
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Nice!!!!!!!!!!!
I see potential.
Jeez I sound like a prick..
...The character tags are telling me that this isn't going to end well for a certain someone. I can't wait to see how the story unfolds.
Let me tell you what you are going to do: You are going to write more of this. Great Story!
5177493 Probably also not well for someone who will do something to a certain someone.
Well, the tags are misleading. Firstly, Ashen's desperation as his hoard leaks away could have been used for some vaguely mean-spirited humor, yet it isn't, and you seem to have put very little effort into conveying the loss of his possessions. Secondly, the leap in logic by your young and stupid protagonist is so moronic that this could only be a comedy - to say nothing of the absurdity of Ashen's death - yet it's labeled an adventure story.
On the technical side of things, your sentence construction is pretty awful at times. You also spent a little too much time randomly shifting over to the fleeing miners and describing what they were doing after Ashen spotted them. The transitions were jarring, and their actions unimportant. Ashen is the one carrying the story at that point, so only his actions deserved any focus.
And then there's that big metal net hidden in the clouds. How did it get there? Did the Wonderbolts fly it there in less than two minutes? If it was already there, ready for Ashen in case he got out of control, then why didn't the miners know he was living there? It's a good way to restrain a dragon, but its presence makes very little sense.
I'm not sure about this.
5177493 If it devolves from comical hijinks into serious violence, there will be legal trouble for the dumb kid's family. Hopefully after he gets a solid beating from the victim's.
I like this. Gonna keep an eye on it.
Kewl little dragon slayer.
5177781
You are so right, I was jumping all over the place and this chapter got away from me while I was writing it.
Truth be told, I never intended to even write this intro chapter, but about two months ago when I had the idea for a dragon slayer to show up in Ponyville-for my own sake-I felt that I needed to write down Fireside's backstory as to how he originally received his cutie mark just so I could refer back to it while actually writing the main portion of the story. For Ashen to die on Fireside's front lawn was suppose to be moronic (this was my original intention, but in the process of writing this, the identity of the story started flipping back and forth between adventurous and dark/comedic).
I admit I wasn't thinking of Ashen's actions as a whole, my thought process was focusing on the miners reaction's and trying to have the reader be a witness to all of this chaos of a dragon attack from a perspective of someone on the ground.
Looking back, I should've made it clearer that enough time had passed for someone to report the dragon and have the Wonderbolts fly in with their net in tow, ready to systematically take down Ashen. However, I will defend myself on the point that I didn't specifically state whether or not the miners knew about the Ashen before the explosion.
Thanks for the critique, I'll keep working on sentence structure and transition- hopefully I can win you over when I post my next chapter and do some editing on the first chapter as well.
Well holy shat. That's one way to get your cutie mark
Sheesh, don't let the CMC hear that, or Spike might not last long enough for Fireside to reach him.
Can't wait for the next chapters! Also I always pronounced W "Doubla-vair" (sort of rhymes with 'hair') when I was taking French in school. Like your explanation of it at the end.
5179133
Ha! Love the comment
Here's a mock teaser to hold you over.
"Sweetie Bell, Scootaloo, and Applebloom all switched from glancing at their blank flanks to intensely staring at Spike. 'Girls...what...why are you looking at me like that?' he asked, slowly taking a cautious step away from the three of them."
5179162
Glad you liked my comment. NOW FORK OVER THE NEXT CHAPTER
Kidding! Honest
Though that teaser is pretty teasing
An interesting premise told in a satirical style. I truly hope that you do continue this someday.