The Poetic Frost makes mistakes so that you don't have to. "Dance, Sode no Shirayuki!"
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Warning: The following may include a spoiler to the author's story "Nothing Probably Goes on Forever Too". It will also deviate from certain regulations that the author had previously established.
If this is problematic for you, please leave.
Thank you, and have a nice day.
Two alicorn mares, one black with an eighth note cutie mark and one white with evergreen armor, take their seats.
Tundra: Hello, every pony. Welcome to The Moment No Pony was Waiting For. Due to a rather embarrassing realization, the director won't be here today. Instead, Shirayuki here and I will cover director commentary. Say hello, Shirayuki.
Shirayuki: Pleased to make your acquaintance, viewers.
Tundra: Without further ado, let's begin.
Shirayuki: Primary properties belong to Hasbro and Screw Attack.
Boy, it sure feels weird having two directors, let alone alicorn directors. Oh, well. Another day, another battle.
Adventurers of various sorts take up the view of the screen.
Wait, hold up. What are those two doing in in the hosts' seats?
"I love a watching a good adventure," states F, "And besides myself, I'd have to say the best adventurer is the famous Indiana Jones."
"R-really?" squeaks N, "B-because I think that the story book character Daring Do was a terrific adventurer. No offense."
"Well then, there's only one way to settle this."
"By throwing them into a death defying situation that will prove once and for all who the greatest is."
"Y-you don't mean..."
"She's N and I'm F and it's her job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle."
"W-wait, what's your job?"
"To sit here and grab a smoke."
"Nah, I'm just messing with you. I'll help analyze every... few lines. You're welcome."
"Um, thank you?"
A bearded man wearing a hat, jacket, and holding a whip is shown on screen.
N nervously levitates her papers in front of herself and reads, "D-Dr. Henry Walton Jones, Jr. also known as 'Indiana' is a serial treasure hunter who's ventures are funded by Marshall College in Connecticut. Here, he works as a professor of archaeology."
"Or Barnett College, depending on if you watched in 1981 or 1989," intercepts F.
"R-right. Dr. Jones didn't just become an treasure hunter for no reason. His earliest ventures started in 1912 alongside his father. It was on these adventures that he gained a chin scar, ophidiophobia (fear of snakes), his hat, a bullwhip, and his nickname 'Indiana'."
"Courtesy of the family dog."
"Since then, some of his accomplishments include saving children and the Sankara stones from the Thuggee cult, keeping the Ark of the Covenant out of Nazi possession, preventing Nazi mystics from getting the Holy Grail."
"You hear that? It's because of Indy that Judaism and Christianity can even exist."
"F! Don't be mean."
"I'm not. I'm stating the facts."
"S-sorry, he's not usually like this."
"Yes I am and I'm PROUD of it!"
"A-anyway, Dr. Jones also managed to get the crystal skull out of Soviet agents' possession."
F is silent while he puffs away at his magically lit cigarette.
"His trademark weapon is the 450 series bullwhip. It's made from kangaroo hide and can be used to wrap around various things like stalactites and loose objects. Alternatively, it can be used to deliver a stunning hit."
"Whether it's a laceration or just the snapping sound effect."
"Dr. Jones also carries a Post World War I revolver which has changed design over the years. But now it can be confirmed that it is a Webley 1896 W.G. Army revolver, which fires .45 caliber ammunition. His experience in the Office of Strategic Services and as a United States Army Colonel back up his capabilities in intelligence-gathering and gunfights."
"I'd like to see Daring Do stand up to that."
"At least let me introduce her before you throw insults."
A scene shows Indiana Jones complaining, "Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes."
A pith helmeted Pegasus with a gray mane appears on screen.
"Uh oh," says F, "Did some pony forget to color Rainbow Dash?"
"A-Actually," stutters N, "This is Daring Do, the main character of an entire book series. Her name is a play on the phrase derring-do which means 'brave, adventurous, and often reckless actions'."
"Hmm... nope, don't like her. Only I can be brave and adventurous."
N whispers, "...and reckless."
"What was that?"
"When she was introduced in Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone, she had injured her wing. But since then, it's assumed that it healed later in the series."
"Assumptions lead to mistakes. Mistakes lead to the grave."
"What? Am I not allowed to be philosophical once in a while?"
"Anyway, Daring has lightning fast reflexes and is capable of avoiding several lethal traps, similar to Dr. Jones' history."
"Similar doesn't mean *ess*t."
"She also has a watchful eye and a mind for puzzles. She can see patterns that most onlookers would never catch onto within the first minute."
"Indy could solve that puzzle in half the time."
"While she isn't readily able to take on multiple enemies of various strength, she can always find a way to escape overly convoluted, overkill traps."
"Let's see her military experience and her escape from the giant boulder. Then we'll talk."
"Are you finished?"
The cut scene shows Daring Do safely stowing the Sapphire Stone before calling, "Better luck next time, Ahuizotl!"
"All right," N states with a bit more confidence, "the combatants are all set. Let's settle the debate for once and always."
F hollers, "Let's get ready for a Death Battle!"
Strangely, the two combatants will not face each other, at least not initially. What is shown is a split screen where the treasure hunters will have to navigate and maneuver several puzzles and traps in order to obtain similar items. Then they'll have to get out of there alive. After that... well, you'll see. The Pegasus with a compass cutie mark and the man known to whip are at the first part of their respective stations.
The first task appears to be deciphering hieroglyphics of some sort. After studying the ancient pictures, they seem to light up in a specific pattern, one square at a time. Then after that, both combatants reach a limb to touch the glyphs in that same pattern. Nothing seems to happen for a bit, but then a secret wall slides open revealing a hidden path. Daring Do flies through hers, while Indiana Jones steps lively through his.
They come across a giant, dark chasm. There are spikes deep at the bottom. Daring easily flaps her wings and flies over the division. Meanwhile, Indy finds a stalactite and snaps his whip to form a makeshift pendulum swing across the pit. Both treasure hunters land on the other side and continue on their way.
In the next room, they barely stop in time for the ceiling to drop a stone pillar in their way. It rises slowly until it returns to its original position. But within an instant, it's back on the ground. After seeing this pattern of vertical motions, Jones and Do take a forward dive as the pillar is in its "up" position. The pillar just misses hitting their rear ends (in Daring's case, her tail). Smaller pillars follow similar patterns ahead in the hallway. Around these, Indiana and Daring simply run and zigzag.
The split screen disappears and it seems that the two adventurers enter opposite sides of the same room. At the center lies a stairway pyramid leading to the resting treasure: the Eye of Agamotto. It moves as though it is in a living vessel but it remains shut like a sleeper's. It's kind of hypnotizing despite the fact that it is closed.
The hunters spot gaze at their target as they slowly approach the stairway. On opposite sides, they can't see each other until they start reaching for the Eye. At this point, Indy notices the tan hoof when Daring notices the hand. Their surprise is redirected again as a blue hand reaches from above them and grabs the Eye while they are distracted. The old nemesis Ahuizotl stands by a Nazi before both antagonists escape through an unseen corridor.
Our heroes must now face the unfortunately triggered trap. Boa constrictors and cobras start falling from the ceiling. Both treasure hunters immediately run for the conveniently placed doorway that closes after they head through. They're out of the frying pan and into the oven.
A giant boulder chases the adventurers as they gallop and run toward the cameraman. At this point, the footage gets weird leaving motion pictures for slide show projections. They depict an escape, a short battle sequence with the Nazi and Ahuizotl, and a proud Indiana Jones holding the Eye of Agamotto high as he rides Daring Do's back as she flies into the distance.
"I liked that," says N with a smile.
"Well I didn't! That was a rip-off," grumbles F.
"What do you mean?"
"They solved their usual puzzles and found the treasure but didn't kill each other. What is this?"
"Well, at l-least no pony got hurt."
"And that's what's wrong!"
"You're kind of strange."
"Says the reincarnation of Nightmare."
"*Sigh*. This Death Battle is a draw." Pictures of both Daring Do and Indiana Jones show up on screen with the bold word "DRAW" underneath.
F whispers, "Bull*ess*t. Indiana would have won any day."
"What was that?" stares N accusingly.
F whistles an out-of-tune song before sticking another cigarette in his mouth.
The Indiana Jones franchise was created by George Lucas and Paramount Pictures.
Thanks for watching.
Tundra: I've just received a letter from the director. It seems he really won't touch this story again until the third season.
Shirayuki: What a shame.
Tundra: Yeah. Oh well. Hope you readers enjoyed this episode and we'll see you next time. Say goodbye, Shirayuki.
Shirayuki: A pleasant farewell to all of you.
Tundra: Eh, close enough. Properties belong to their respective owners. The director gains no profit from this. So long.