The pristine light of white stars and the glow of the moon illuminated the city streets and rooftops of Canterlot city. Two figures clad in black clothing, one was short and scrawny and the other big and buff, stood outside of the door to the carousel boutique. Both were wearing black hockey masks with goggles over their eyes, the short one having grey and the Brute red.
“Hurry Up! I don’t wanna stay out here much longer!” the Buff one demanded in a hushed tone.
“I'm goin' as fast as I can. why are you being so paranoid?” the short one asked as he picked the lock of the backdoor to the store.
“I don’t wanna be here when that knight guy shows up.” Buff answered anxious.
“Come on man, you know that guys a Fa – Got It!” Short said silently. “Lets go and get the stuff and get out.” he said, nonchalantly as they made their way inside.
After searching for a few minutes short had found what they were looking for, a metal box filled to the brim with beautiful gemstones of every shape and size. “Jack Pot! Hey dude I found it now lets get ou-” he was interrupted by a fist slamming into the back of the head. There was a loud crack, and short fell to the floor.
Buff heard the thud of his fallen companion, he ran over to his body to check his pulse, he was still alive. The brute was about to pick up the box of gems when a voice behind him spoke “No, no,no that's not for you.” Buff turned around in afriad to learn the origin of the voice. Behind him stood, a young man with a green hood and a long sleeved shirt of the same color. On his shoulders were light green shoulder pads to match the padding on his chest and elbows, his hands were covered by brown gloves that darker brown padding on the fingers. His pants were a dark orange with lighter orange padding in the knees, the heels of his shoes were red and the front of them was velvet. A white strip went across the middle of the velvet with a yellow buckle. With only his eye and mouth visible on his face, the knight smirked staring down Buff with his illuminated violet eyes.
Buff was terrified. He he fell to his knees pleading, “Knight of th-the Wind! I surrender I'll tell you everything I know just don't kill me please!”
“Why did he give up so easily? He must be new” the hero thought. “Tell me What gang you work for and who's your boss, and maybe I won’t hurt you,” he demanded.
“Our gang's name is the Diamond Dogs and our bosses name is Rover or R0V.”
“Diamond Dogs? So, you guys only steal jewelry. Why are you breaking into a clothing store?” He joked
“We steal Gems, and the owner here embeds them into her work. We were only gonna take some of them.”
The Knight was confused “Some of them, why not all of them?”
“That was part of Phase 1,” Buff said, “In phase 2, we’re gonna kidnap the owners kids and hold them for ransom for the rest of the gems.”
“When!” The Knight got serious.
“T-omorrow on their first d-ay of school at Canterlot High during their lunch period, twelve ten, was when we’re gonna strike.”'
“How does he know all this if he just a low level brute? They must be desperate for manpower,” The Knight thought. “How many of you are there?” he said
“twenty, including the boss, and five robot dogs.”
“Robot dogs? Seriously? Okay then... that’s all the info I need, but I’m still going to have to detain you.”
“But you said you wouldn't hurt me, you lying Vigilante!”
“I wouldn't say vigilante, more like super hero.” the Knight dashed behind Buff and shoved him against the wall. He attached a circular device to his chest. Cables shot out from the device and secured themselves to the wall, trapping Buff against it. As Buff struggled the Knight chuckled “It's no use, those cables are strong enough to hold down a baby rhino,” he said. The knight then put a restraint on short, for good measure. In a flash of light a letter appeared in the knights hand and he placed it on Buff nose saying “Hold on to this for me, would you?”
The hero ran up the stairs and pounded on one of the upstairs doors. The knight ran back downstairs and turned on a light close to the stairs. He made his way toward the door. He stopped and revved up into a green ball of energy on the ground and blasted out the open door. He uncurled and ran up the side of a building as he made his escape into the night.
Rarity was in her room, sleeping peacefully. Suddenly the silence ended with loud knock at her door, confused, she got up, stretched, and turned on her light so she could make her way to the door. When she opened the door, no one was there she was about to close it when she saw a light on downstairs. She walked down asking, “Sweetie dear, were you knocking at my door? I waAAAHHH!!!” Rarity shrieked. Her body stiffened as she looked at her ransacked shop and the diamond dogs still secured to the wall and floor. She found the note the knight left and dialed 9-1-1.
The Knight of the Wind climbed through an open window and landed in what apeared to be an average bedroom. Once inside he slid up his sleeve a little revealing a black watch. Upon twisting the head of the watch, a light engulfed his entire body, when it dissipated he was wearing gray sweat pants and the black watch. Without a shirt, his electrical scar showed. It started on his back, going around his side, and ending on his chest. “That's enough for tonight, I better get some sleep. It's a big day tomorr-” his thoughts were interrupted by a shouting, angry mother bursting into the room.
“MICHAEL WINDS IT IS MIDNIGHT AND SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW!! GO TO BED THIS INSTANT OR YOUR GROUNDED!!!” she shouted.
“Alright lord and savior.” he muttered.
“WHAT WAS THAT!!!!”
“Nothing, goodnight.” he said as he got into of bed, closed his eyes, and drifted off to sleep.
“Rest now hero,” a caring voice said, as its owner stared into a reflecting pool with the Knight sleeping in the image in it, “You can go see him now sister.”
“But to do that I have to sho-” another voice said only to be cut off.
“We have no other choice.” the first said “His journey begins now.”
You know I could do a big review about this story but I'll leave you with three words to sum it up:
Everything is wrong!
4950258 What do you mean?
4950287
-self insert
-grammer
-plot
-links
Do your research before you write a fic. A lot of the things in this fic are things that make experienced people on this site cringe.
4950303 isn't ones OC a self insert any way? and yeah my bad on grammer as well as the link I'll fix it asap as for plot, its just the prolouge
4950312
Yes, that's one of the main problems.
Chronicles.
It's spelled like that.
I think.
4950317 I've seen other stories of an OC being a main character why is it such a big deal?
4950361
Most fics are written to have the insert as the main character and with so many fics with them centered just in the inserts it can get very annoying with the flow of fics accepted. I've only been on this site for a few months and it's already annoying me.
4950335 thanks
4950372 well I'm sorry if this doesn't suit your fancy
4950361 Look, buddy, it's not the OC that's the problem. It's how the OC is made.
There are some pretty darn well-made OC's out there (definitely not any of mine), which are just as loved as the canon characters, some even more so.
Self-Insert OC's are especially frowned upon, not because they are simply self-inserts, but because they tend to become a form of wish-fulfillment character known as a MARY SUE.
4950391
Nah, it's alright. Just good luck with the others on this site. If this story gets more dislikes ten likes....well let's just say I'm the nice one of the groups I'm in, not saying they're other nice peeps but they can be more criticizing. I know, I'm friends with some, I'm sometimes the criticizing one too.
4950401 Michael Winds/Swift is Not a Mary Sue, another chapter will prove it, I hope
4950433 I did not mean to imply that your character was a Mary Sue, however, you should take care to make sure he does not become one!
Best of luck.
3 dislikes this doesn't look good
*Gulp*
4950490
So that you might know what to avoid: My Immortal
And for the reading and enjoyment of all: Worm
4950433 One recommendation? Listen to your commentators, they see things differently than you. What may not seem like a Mary Sue to you can turn out to be a large one. I ended up Mary Sue'ing my character, and I only realized after I went back and read it not as a writer, but as a reader instead. Sometimes commentators are just there to give you grief, and sometimes they're there to give you assistance, and to help you and your story grow. I haven't read the story, and I don't intend to, not that there's anything against you. I noticed the cover art and wanted to take a closer look, because the small version is pretty much a line. Nevertheless, I suggest listening to your commentators and reading through your story as a reader rather than a writer. It can help you notice things you've never noticed before, such as errors, signs of Mary Sue'ing, and such.
EDIT: Also, 3 dislikes is nothing. I had like... 12 dislikes on the first day of mine.
Me and my friend had alot of fun reading through your fic. I personally think that if you keep trying as hard as you did here, you will soon be a great author. Keep at it!
4950726 thanks dude and yeah I'm bad at drawing and I cant get anyone to commission a Swift and Michael Winds
EDIT: and I used crayon to color him and not colored pencils.
4950361
I don't know... have you ever looked at the like to dislike ratios on other OC insert stories?
Perhaps you'll see why it's a big deal.
4950875 Eh, still better than my art skills. Don't worry about it too much. Also, as someone said to me, I shall say unto you, judging by your name, I'm presuming this story is a self insert, whether based exactly off of you, or taken slightly from your nature, be careful. Self inserts tend to over-glorify themselves, and make your character a super saint who can do no wrong.
4950490
You think 3 dislikes is bad?
Check out Amy in Equestria
That fic got torn apart.
4950937 ok I see what you mean but i meant that as in dislikes before likes , Yikes.heh, I rhymed
4950409
"Knight of the 'something' table", right?
Are you submitting this story? I probably won't, because the author at least appears to be trying.
4950947 Knight of the Wind
Okay, I read your fic. Here is what I see as "wrong":
You already put this in the description. Leave it out of the story. Stories are for the story.
First, it is spelled "Carousel", not Carasoul.
Second, Carousel Boutique isn't in Canterlot.
Why would they do that? It would be easier to steal ALL of the gems, rather than double their chances of getting caught. Also, ransoms rarely work out in real life. Usually, the crooks give away their location.
Most superheroes are vigilantes... unless they are super cops...
I'm going to ignore the possibly offensive comment for now. But statistically, most fics contain numerous spelling and grammar errors. Yours is no exception. I won't point out the others, you can play "Spot the Typo" by yourself.
The Bold was unnecessary. Everyone could see it.
Impression: Character shows signs of Gary Stu tendencies, grammar is fairly bad, and story telling is passable.
Overall: 824/2563
4950979
I was referring to the group Knights of the "something" table, which both I and ShadowblazeCR are members of. It is dedicated to finding bad fanfics.
4951081 did I forget to mention the EQG world is being used in the description?
4951190 His mom doesn't know for starters and there a reason he's a hero "hunting down criminals."
4952510
I don't see how the story being in the EG universe fixes the fact that he is a vigilante, going back to kidnap the kids for ransom is a bad idea for professional thiefs, your character is appearing to be a Gary Stu, grammar is bad, and you don't need a disclaimer in the story.
Unless you are implying that since Equestria Girls was bad, your fic set in that universe will also be bad.
As for "Carasoul" Boutique, it is not mentioned in EG where it is, so there is no reason to assume it's in Canterlot. And I don't believe the town is called Canterlot. Only the High School is.
4952517
PS: toxicman0248's criticisms may have been rude and somewhat offensive, but his criticisms are valid. You should listen to them.
4954848 what?
4954997 Really good story, reminds me of a pretty good anime i once watched.
4955375 cover art could be better though.
4955382 I suck at drawing and I'm to broke to get a commission
4955512
oh......., I'm possessed by the way.
4958499 ok then
4958666
By the devil.
Well my work here is done FOR NOW!
Hmm, interesting concept... I see what you were saying about people not likin' ya idea and all. Honestly, if not directly related to canon or written by a top tier author of the sight. Most things like this get shot down despite quality, and I have to say this is of decent quality... Allot of people are sticklers, and don't let that deter ya.
I've only read the first chapter, but I'd like to see where ya take your hero Micheal Winds in this story.