Gathering Dust

by PapaLeto

Chapter 1: The Flim Flam Fallacy (Plus Prologue: Luna's Deep Pockets)

Frankly, I don’t know a lot about how finances work. I should learn, I know, I know, but I just can’t bring myself to care that much. It’s all numbers, and boring, and there’s rules, and other rules that invalidate those rules, and it’s all just a big pile of rotten apples to me.

Which makes the fact that my entire career was based on a big financially-gutsy move all the more baffling in my case.
I guess I should have started with my name. I’m Dusty. Dusty Quill. Perhaps you’ve heard of me? Probably not, I’m not that big in the writing world. YET! See, I’m heading that way, and fast. And it’s all thanks to Princess Luna deciding to make a big gamble with her personal treasury.

Now I’m sure you’ve heard of Manehatten University. Everypony has. It’s one of the most prestigious schools in all of Equestria. I attended their College of Linguistics, where I got my master’s degree in Writing. And that’s all well and good, but as I’m sure some of you are tragically aware, having a degree is not the same as having ‘made it.’ It’s very possible (and for a writer like me, very probable) that you can still end up jobless and without income even with your fancy-shmancy degree.

Thankfully, Princess Luna is also aware of this. And that’s how the Luna’s Young Writers program came into being.

It works like this: Luna has a lot of money, and the average post-grad does not. The average writer at first doesn’t have much of a following, and if ponies aren’t buying their books, there’s no income. The only way to get ponies to buy is to spread the word, all across the land and make ponies see that your work should be noted. But travelling costs big-time bits. Bits that our loving lunar princess has plenty of. So through her program, those excess bits are placed in the accounts of extremely lucky ponies like me. In short, everything from food costs to hotel fees are covered by the Lunar Treasury. There is in theory no maximum limit to the amount you can withdraw.

But there’s a catch. See, obviously the Lunar Treasury can’t just give away free bits. So during your travels, a hefty portion of the profits from every book and scroll you sell (75%, if you wanted to know) is given back to the Treasury. The idea is that over time, as one gets more and more well known, the bits come pouring in, the debts incurred over time to the Treasury get repaid, and once you and the Treasury are square, the percentage that the Treasury receives plummets to a measly 5%. In other words, it’s a very long-term loan with a donation clause.

Now like I said, I don’t know much about finances. But I know enough to know that is a pretty significant risk that Princess Luna is taking in her efforts to “usher in a new literary renaissance in Equestria.” I mean, there’s no guarantee ponies will ever like your work enough to buy it. It’s possible to dig yourself into a financial hole of no escape. Granted, only six ponies were admitted to the program, so it’s not like the program could literally drain the entire Treasury. But still, the princess stuck her neck out pretty far for me. So that’s why every book and scroll I ever write is dedicated like so:

For the Splendor of Every Star in the Night Sky.

Sure, it sounds a bit corny, but that’s the kind of stallion I am.

Anyway, you may be asking yourself why I’m opening my story of adventure, action, hilarity, and romance with a very lengthy sequence about the convoluted system that pays for said adventuring. The answer to that question you may or may not be asking is that I want you to know well in advance that everything that happened to me was in fact paid for by the Princess of the Night. So by extension, all the crazy stuff that went down was in fact only possible because Luna wished to see more writing in the world.

And I think that’s beautiful.
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Chapter 1: The Flim Flam Fallacy

As I strode out of the doors of the Canterlot Royal Courtyard, I could practically feel my excitement take physical form and seek to leap out of my very chest. I was a writer. A legally licensed and royally funded writer. I was taking my first steps into a world that was by all accounts my oyster. Everything was a potential fountain of writing inspiration. Every stallion and mare on the street, every tree and flower in every garden, every cloud in the sky could be hiding something profound.

It was almost too much to take.

A brisk breeze blew past, causing my black and blue striped scarf to sway in the wind slightly. I used my magic to toss it once more around my neck to make sure it was secure, then trotted off in the direction of Canterlot Station. After all, this was my chance to see the world in its entirety! All of Equestria was my eventual destination.

Plus, I had to meet my mom there. She was going to be on her train back to Minneighapolis soon. I paused on the way there to pick up a small, steel pocket watch that upon inspection had a cracked face and hands that didn’t move. I tucked it into my navy pinstripe vest’s pocket anyway and got back on track.

Almost as soon as I entered the station, my mom was already standing next to me.

“Oooh, my little colt is all grown up,” she gushed as she tried to use her magic to fix my slightly untidy mane, the hue of which matched my vest and eyes. “You really must comb your mane every morning if you’re going to keep it this long, honestly. I can’t believe you saw the princess with a mane in that shape.”

I didn’t try to stop her from fixing the mane, but I did just barely keep from rolling my eyes. “Mom, it’s fine. Nopony had any issues with it, far as I could tell.”

“Well of course they wouldn’t say anything, would they?” she started to argue back, but then sighed a bit and stopped fussing over my mane. “I’m just so proud, sweetie. You know how happy your father and I are that you have this opportunity. My son, a world-class caliber writer recognized by Princess Luna herself! We always knew you’d go far, but even we didn't see this coming.” I could see the signs. She didn’t look like it, but I could tell the waterworks were dangerously close.

I gave her a quick, but tight, hug as the conductor started calling for everypony to get on the train. “Mom, you know I owe you and Dad everything. I’ll make you proud,” I told her as the tears started forming in her eyes.

“You already have, Dusty. We love you so much,” she said, slowly backing into the train.

I smiled as the train pulled away slowly. Almost as soon as it started moving, Mom’s head poked out an open window and she called out, “If we don’t hear from you at least once a month I am going to start following you around!” I laughed outwardly, but on the inside I knew just how serious she was. “Oh! I almost forgot! This is from your father!” she called as she floated a letter in an envelope over to me. By now she was far enough that even though she said something else, I didn’t hear it. I shrugged, tucked the letter into my pocket with the watch, and went to get a ticket for the next train out of Canterlot.

However, destiny was already throwing a wrench in my plans.

“What do you mean there aren’t any more trains today?” I asked incredulously. “It’s five in the afternoon!”

“I’m sorry,” said the probably not-that-sorry ticket salespony, “but with the annual railroad maintenance checkups starting at 5:15 sharp, that was the last train out of town for today.” I grunted my disapproval and trotted off, deciding that wandering around a bit couldn’t hurt.

As I came onto the nearest major street, Acorn Avenue, I couldn’t help but hear a faint musical hum, growing ever nearer. It sounded like a mix between an ice cream carriage and a Trotway musical number. I turned my head up the north side of the street to see what the source of this music was.

I was taken aback by what I saw. A massive, monstrous machine of wood and iron rolled its way down the street, disrupting traffic and making quite a ruckus. All over the machine were various buttons, levers, whistles, gears, and more. It seemed like a doomsday machine coupled with a cheerful sunshiny tune. The ponies in its way were quickly clearing to make a path, and as the machine passed I saw that there were two stallions standing on top of the contraption. They were yellowish in color, almost comically tall and lanky, and apart from the carny mustache on one of them they were identical.

“Tonight, tonight, tonight!” the pair declared simultaneously, “This very night we, the Flim Flam Brothers, will be unveiling to you the very height of smoothie making technology! Don’t miss it! At 6pm sharp, on the corner of Bubble Lane and Orange Avenue, we will be putting on a display that will change the way you make fruit smoothies forever! Don’t miss this chance to change your lives foreverrrrrr~!” they sang the final word in an admittedly well-tuned harmony as they rolled out of sight.

I was immediately hooked. I don’t know whether it was those lights, the levers, hay, maybe even the chord they sang as they barreled away down the street. But whatever it was, I knew I had to check it out. My writing career had to start somewhere, and I figured there were few better places to start than with travelling, singing smoothie salesponies.

I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that they were probably shams, but that didn’t deter me from trying to meet them.

At 6pm, true to their word, the Flim Flam Brothers had their machine set up on the corner of Bubble and Orange. A fairly decent crowd had gathered, among them many of the city’s upper crust, decked out in jackets and dresses of the highest quality. The two stallions looked at the crowd like they were a long-awaited oasis in an otherwise bone-dry desert.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, stallions and mares, welcome welcome!” cried the stache-less brother, Flim. Flam meanwhile was already leaping from the machine and approaching the crowd.

He spoke next, declaring, “Prepare to be amazed! For this is the patented, one and only Groovy Smoothie Ultra Swoozie 60,000!” He gestured to the machine behind him. “This one of a kind machine can turn any fruit in Equestria into a delicious smooth treat!”
Somepony (it may or may not have been me) called out, “What’s Swoozie mean?”

Flim leapt from the machine to join his brother. “I’m glad you asked, my friend! Swoozie is a word of our creation, the only word that can truly describe the wonder of the delicious fruity treats our lovely machine creates!”

Flam took over, turning to the Groovy Smoothie machine and magicking a few levers and buttons, causing the machine to whir to life. “Flim, quickly, the fruit!” Flim used his magic to pull fruits including apples, oranges, and grapes from a nearby bin and dumped them into a large receptacle.

The machine growled, churned, pumped, gargled, snapped, crackled, popped, and finally with a ding! the machine stopped moving. Out of a container on the side of the machine poured a vaguely greenish-purple thick liquid into a large pitcher.

“Now who would like to be the first to try this delectable smoothie?” the brothers asked together.

I shot my hoof into the air. “Me! Me! ME!” I cried.

“We have a volunteer!” Flim cheered as I wove through the crowd. For the most part, the sickly color of the smoothie seemed to have turned the audience’s more refined members a bit more hostile to the machine. Some of the other members of the crowd also looked a bit apprehensive.

I got to the brothers after a moment, at which point Flam held aloft with his magic a small cup of the smoothie the machine had produced. I took it with my own magic and gulped it down.

Honestly, it wasn’t that special. It just tasted like thick liquid apples, oranges, and grapes. It tasted alright, but I wasn’t exactly dumbstruck by the smoothie.

That wasn’t going to change my plans to mess with the rich ponies a bit.

“How’s it taste, my good gentlecolt?” Flim asked, both he and Flam leaning in closely.

I put on the goofiest grin I could manage. “It’s... It’s… SWOOZIE~!” I exclaimed, leaping into the air for good measure. The crowd cheered and the brothers bumped hooves behind me. Soon it seemed that hundreds of ponies had lined up to get some of the Swoozie Smoothie. I meanwhile stood off to the side, chuckling quietly as the refined ponies remarked how “positively swoozie” it was. The brothers raked in bits upon bits, and all it had taken was me playing along.

Some time later, the crowds had dissipated and the show was over. Once the coast was clear, Flim and Flam both darted over to me. “So you really liked it, huh?” Flim asked.

I shrugged. “It was pretty alright, but I’m pretty sure your Groovy Smoothie Ultra Swoozie 60,000 is just a fancy blender.”
The brothers laughed in synch. “Right you are,” Flam said, “but that’s part of the appeal. The appearance of the extraordinary, no?”

“Anyway,” Flim followed up, “we have to thank you. That first impression is what really counts, and our normal actor quit on us just yesterday. You were an excellent showpony.” He and Flam inclined their heads slightly.

“Bah, no worries. You got money, the rich ponies got some crushed fruit, and everypony came out of this happy. That’s all that worried me,” I said with a smirk.

“I suppose we owe you a share of the profits before we skip town, eh?” Flim said, fishing around the hefty coin sack for some bits. I took a good look at the machine.

“You said you’re leaving town, eh? Then perhaps you could skip the payment and just take me with you?” I asked. “I don’t care where you’re going, I just kinda want to get out of town.”

The brothers grinned. “I think you’ve got yourself a deal, Mister, ah..” Flam began.

“Quill. Dusty Quill,” I finished for him.

“Right! Well, shall we be off then?” Flim asked, already hopping on the GSUS60K and firing up its motor.

I pushed my glasses up my snout into place and hopped on as well. “Ready when you are!” I declared.

And that’s how I left Canterlot on a railroad maintenance day.

Comments

[Black Month Willem Dafoe]

Your cover art reminds me of Spider-Man.

[PapaLeto]

Spider man? I guess I don't see the resemblance haha