Princess Twilight Sparkle is loved by all on the little town of Ponyville, her group of friends is ready to help her in anything she needs. They all love her, perhaps more than they should.
One day Fluttershy confess to Twilight about her feelings for her ... then Pinkie Pie wants to take Twilight on a date... Rarity wants to give her some special underware she has been designing ... Soon there are a bunch of mares wanting more than just "friendship" from Twilight
Cover was edited by me :
Vector with the mane six : http://tzolkine.deviantart.com/art/Friendship-Vector-367062443
Vector of Twilight alone : can't find the source i've had it on my files from more than a year
Chapters (1)
Quite a few grammar mistakes throughout the story, but they're all fixable by an editor. Dialogue felt a tad bit forced throughout, but the story still carried on decently. Plot wise, we all saw the twist coming.
I still enjoyed it.
Hilarious, especially as it starts out so slow and then speeds up to ridiciulus levels. And the only one unaffected (I think) was Big Mac.
A funny enough idea, but your writing really could use some help. Your syntax is off in most every sentence, and there's a lot of punctuation errors. This isn't a condescension by the way. Those are mistakes from lack of experience, and the only way you really get better is just... Practice, practice, practice. Don't ever stop writing.
Also, read. Like, all the time. It helps a lot. Read real stories, published works, in addition to fanfics. You'll get a good sense how sentence structure works. ^_^
Keep up the hard work.
Here is a tip. Read the story backwards, one sentence at a time. Read it out loud. It will help catch any mistakes. Here are some of the mistakes.
Should be was, not is
remove the comma in the first sentence. Stop, not stopped. Hey should be capitalized.
Make sure all cases of the word 'I' are capitalized. Put a period at the end of this.
the word then should be after the comma.
Discord commence the prank but who gave him the idea?
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Thank you all.
Now this is the kind of feedback I wanted..
I shall fix those mistakes later today.
And yeah i think reading more will help .
I am working in another story . A one shot i hope i ger more of these comments
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Actually all the stallions. That's why i specified her being followed by mares. And yes it was supposed to be ridiculous :D glad it worked
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To be honest i didn't thoughg about that...
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Thank you
4948240 No problem.
I could see Discord only having to nudge the ponies with some extra hormones to get this behavior. As a herd species ponies would tend toward mob mentality and by instinct respect and kind of adore the Alicorns, as the biggest and most powerful of ponies the primitive part of their brains just tell them "this is the leader", add some volatile hormones and that respect and admiration turns to obsession!
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Finally after a whole day i was able to correcting those mistakes . And a couple more nobody noticed.
Anyway i'll read it again out loud to find out if there are any more
Funny idea but in serious need of revision. Grammar and punctuation mistakes galore, and spelling mistakes are scattered about. This has potential to be a great little story, and I would be happy to help if you would let me.