Twilight Struggle

by Twiface

Turn 5: Ask Not What Rarity Can Do For You...

--Turn 5: Ask Not What Rarity Can Do For You…--

“We will not fear the Red Menace!”

“Hellooooo Equestria!” bellowed Tree Dog. “This is Tree Dog, coming to you loud and proud from Universe News Radio. We interrupt our regularly scheduled program for some news…”

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… “ began Tree Dog. “That’s right! It’s a tale of two different cities, both in Equestria, right here and right now. You see, one of these cities is having a really great time right now, and the other… well… not so much. But let’s start with the good news: Cloudsdale’s finally been chosen to hold the Equestria Games! A fiercely competitive team, they’ve never actually had an Equestria Games held in their hometown before. You see, Cloudsdale was for a long time inaccessible to the average pony. Only those with wings could go there. If you didn’t—well, then you’d just fall through the clouds. And hiring enough unicorns to perform cloudwalking spells would have been way too expansive. Cloudsdale’s had this feud with the Games Committee forever. Until about twenty years ago, when somepony down at the weather factory’s labs invented a new kind of cloud that regular ponies could walk on, without needing magic or anything. Thing is, Pegasi are, as I’m sure you already know, mighty stubborn and stuck-up folk, so it’s taken almost twenty years to get these clouds approved. But fears of an MLP equivalent of global thermonuclear war looming on the horizon gave them enough of a push to seriously consider holding an Equestria Games off the ground for once. And now it’s finally here! After some stiff competition from the zebra guests, Equestria prevails, if only by a little bit. Many analysts say the only reason we won was because of the ‘home field advantage’ of having the first-ever Equestria Games in the clouds. But it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we’ve won, and that’s that. ”

“Woah, I’ve lost track of time!” continued Tree Dog. “Sorry for all that rambling, but it was a really, really great games, and a historic one, too. And thus the sun sets on another great day for Cloudsdale. But at the same time, the night is only beginning for their counterparts down below; a looooong night. You see, while Cloudsdale was having a great time, Canterlot was getting a real run for its money. Somehow it’s gotten itself into a real quagmire of a war in some foreign, marshy, dingy little country deep in the jungles of Southeast Kadur. I don’t know how we got in or why we still care, but it’s clearly rustled the national jimmies ‘cause hundreds of thousands of ponies are flocking to Canterlot to protest. Meanwhile, the bean-counters in the ministries are no longer counting beans, but counting casualties. It’s a real tough spot for Princess Luna to be in right now, and I have absolutely no idea where Twilight Sparkle is right now, but please, if you’re listening, Twilight, bring our ponies back home! Whatever they’re doing out there, it is not the good fight. Please, for the love of Celestia, (wherever the hell she is,) BRING OUR PONIES BACK HOME!”

“But enough of that,” said Tree Dog. “I’m sure y’all get the message. You get the picture. Hey, how about we cheer ourselves up with some music! Here’s Bob Crosby, singin’ to us all about, ‘Happy Times!’”

Twilight shut off the radio yet again and returned to her customary position at the map. By now, her castle was no less a castle than a fortress, and her parlor less of a parlor than a war room. ‘Princess’ Twilight was no longer a princess, but now (almost) officially a general.

And then Spike came in.

“Colonel Spike reporting for duty!” said Colonel Spike, saluting General Twilight.

“At ease, Colonel,” said Twilight, returning the salute. “What’s the latest status on the enemy?”

“Bad,” said Spike. “They’ve played ‘Missile Envy.’”

“’Missile Envy’?” asked Twilight. “What does it do?”

“It forces us to trade our highest value operations card,” replied Spike.

“In return for what?”asked Twilight.

“A ‘Missile Envy’ card,” said Spike.

“That sounds kind of pointless,” said Twilight. “Wouldn’t that just lead to us trading the missile envy card back and forth until the end of the game?”

“You can also use it for ops,” said Spike.

“Ahh,” said Twilight, comprehendingly. “I see. Maybe I’ll get rid of it before it can start a chain reaction… what’s our highest valued card?”

“That would be…” started Spike, “…wait. We have four: ‘Mussuri River Skirmish’, ‘The Great Leap Forward,’ ‘Ask Not What Rarity Can Do For You…,’ and ‘Death of King Zebra.’ I recommend either ‘Great Leap Forward’ or ‘Death of King Zebra,’ since they are opponent events.”

“Alright,” said Twilight, “I won’t use ‘Great Leap Forward’ since that would cancel out what I want to do with the ‘Missuri River Skirmish,’ so I’ll use ‘Death of King Zebra.’ If the zebras want to keep that bastard alive any longer, then it’s their fault now.”

“Good choice,” said Spike. “Maybe later we can use ‘Missile Envy’ against them later. If they’re playing it right now, it probably means that they don’t have very valuable cards right now.”

“You’re probably right,” said Twilight. “Hey, we just went through all of that ‘Missile Envy’ stuff without making a single penis joke.”

“We did, didn’t we?” said Spike. “That’s great! We’re so mature, aren’t we, Twilight?”

“Yeah,” said Twilight. “But maybe it’s because we don’t have penises. I read somewhere that dragons don’t have penises. Do you have a penis?”

“How should I know?” asked Spike. “I’m only a baby!”

“You should find out if you have a penis, Spike,” said Twilight. “If you don’t, then remind me to invent a dragon penis.”

“Would having a penis make sex with Rarity better?” asked Spike. “She claims I’m not very good in bed.”

“Oh, absolutely, Spike!” said Twilight. “I hear that Tabitha has a thing for mushrooms.”

“Great!” said Spike. “Does she prefer big ones or small ones?”

“I don’t know, go ask her!” said Twilight. “I’m trying to work right now. The fate of the world is at stake here.”

“Oh,” said Spike. “Sorry. Maybe later.”

“Yes, maybe later,” said Twilight. “Right now we have to deal with this accursed ‘Quagmire.’”

“How about we discard ‘Ask Not What Rarity Can Do For You…,” suggested Spike. “It fits the requirements, and it just might get us out of here.”

“I’d really like to save this for another round,” said Twilight, “But what the heck. ‘Ask Not What Rarity Can Do For You…’ it is.”
Twilight discarded ‘Ask Not What Rarity Can Do For You’ and rolled a die. She got a ‘four,’ which was just barely enough to cancel out the effects of ‘Quagmire.’

Then it was the phantom’s turn again. The phantom played ‘Alliance for Pony,’ which, although it was an Equestria associated event, also gave the phantom three ops points.

“We get one victory point for each battleground country we control in Solace and Prekt,” said Twilight. “We only control one battleground country, ‘Amarezonia,’ so we get one point.

“Yeah, but look!” said Spike. “It’s poisoning our backyard with zebra influence!”
Indeed it was. The nation of Mexicolt was now under Zebra control, and Paneighma was halfway there.

“I’m getting a little desperate here, but here goes,” said Twilight as she played ‘Paneighma Canal Returned.’ Suddenly, the Paneighma Canal, having long been the pride and joy of Equestrian engineering, was suddenly transferred over to Paneighmanian ownership. Equestria gained one influence point in Costa Muleia, Paneighma, and Veneighzuela.

“Good,” said Twilight. “It’s a shame I can only use that card once, though. I wish I had more canals to return.”

“Maybe you could build more canals,” said Spike.

“You know what?” said Twilight, “I probably could. But then that in itself might spend a few valuable ops points, and we can’t afford to waste any more of those.”

“Right,” said Spike. “You’d better be careful. The phantom’s about to play another card.”

And so it did. The phantom played the dreaded ‘Death of King Zebra,’ finally putting an end to the notorious bride-kidnapping pimp-hatted tyrant. The phantom received four influence points to be placed in non-Equestria controlled countries. One was placed in Alpacatina, one in Quetzalia, one in Yugoatslavia, and one in Lynxia. All were suddenly brought under zebra control.

“The creeping menace!” exclaimed Spike. “They’ve just taken over four countries! What do we do now?”

“All I can do now is to found ‘OUS,’” said Twilight. “There. I’ve just played ‘Organization of Ungulate States Founded.’ That will add two influence to nations in Solace and/or Prekt, so I’ll upset their hold over Mexicolt. Now it’s contested.”

And so it was. Mexicolt now had two influence from each power and was therefore contested. At this point, neither side could claim Mexicolt as one of their own.

But the ever-so- dauntless phantom would have none of it. It played ‘Legacy of Nightmare Moon’ for three ops points, two of which were spent in Paneighma and one in Mexicolt. Now both nations were once again under zebra control.

“Twilight!” cried Spike. “They’re taking over again! Do something!”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t,” said Twilight. “I did all I could do over there. Now I have to focus on the other side of the map.”

Twilight played ‘Mussuri River Skirmish’ as an event. Because she already held the Three Kingdoms Card, she was allowed to place four Equestrian influence in Kadur, with a limit of two per country. The countries she chose were Makhoristan, a battleground country controlled by the zebras, in which she placed two points and gained control, and the Crystalline Raj, a large nation that had been ignored completely up until this point. The two influence points were not sufficient enough to gain control, but they greatly facilitated the task.

Then the phantom took its turn and played ‘Living Room Debates,’ for its one ops point. This ops point was used to upset the tossup in Mexicolt and return it to zebra control. The event, an Equestria-associated one, still occurred, being a grand debate between the two powers over which nation had the most livable living rooms. However, even though we all know that Equestrian living rooms are far more livable than zebra living rooms, the zebras still won the debate because they controlled nine battleground countries to Equestria’s six, and thus Equestria did not gain the bonuses it would have gained had it ‘won’ the debates. Twilight and Spike were puzzled as to why anyone would hold a debate over living room quality but judge the contestants over battleground countries held, but they couldn’t argue with the card: Equestria lost the debates fair and square, and that was that.

Twilight, running out of cards to play, played the ‘Great Leap Forward’ card for three ops points, even though its event was associated with the zebras. After giving the Three Kingdoms Card over to the zebras as the card told her to, she spent her three Ops points in Kadur, using one to build up enough influence in the Crystalline Raj to take control, and two to upset the zebras’ control of Tigerland, another battleground country.

Going full throttle, the phantom played ‘Puppet Governments,’ for two ops points, a card normally associated with Equestria. The card permitted Equestria to add one influence in three countries that did not already have influence from either power. This, Twilight did dutifully. After the phantom placed its two influence points in Paneighma (taking control again), Twilight was about to go and waste her points on Kadur and Emerelda when Spike pointed out to her that she could take over three poor and unstable countries in Solace if she used her points there. Twilight, seeing the need for this, agreed and used her points to claim El Saltador, and to upset the zebras’ control over Mexicolt and Paneighma once again.

The phantom, infuriated by the frustration of its plans, vowed revenge.

Twilight took her second-to-last action phase to play ‘Southeast Kadur Scoring,’ not because she wanted to, but because she had to. The zebras earned one victory point each for their control of Marelaysia, Vietname, Leopardia, and Indoneighsia (for a total of four), while the ponies earned one victory point for their control over The Fillyppines. Neither side got the two victory points for holding Tigerland since it was contested. The score was now nine to seven.

The phantom then played ‘Solace Scoring,’ for which the zebras earned four points for dominating the region and the ponies two for having a presence there. The zebras were also awarded one point for controlling one battleground country, and one point for the same country being adjacent to an enemy superpower (Equestria). The score was now eleven to thirteen.

Twilight’s last action round of the turn consisted of her playing ‘Kadur Scoring,’ which scord all of Kadur, including the already-scored Southeast Kadur. The ponies finally won something for once, a whopping seven points for holding marginal dominance over the region, while the zebras were rewarded a consolation prize of three points for their mere ‘presence’ there. The ponies also earned four points for controlling battleground countries while the zebras earned two.

The score was now brought up to 22 to 18. Neither side achieved the required amount of ‘Friendship ops’ points (four), and thus were both docked four points. The score now lies at 18 to 14.

The DEFCON remains at four.

The game is now halfway over.