Twilight Struggle

by Twiface

Turn 3: Take it Back!

--Turn 3: Take it Back!--
“Obstruction detected! Probability of mission injurence: zero percent!”

“What’s up Equestrians?” said the familiar voice over the radio. “This is Tree Dog, and you’re listening to UNR! That’s Universe News Radio, in case you forgot.”

“Seems we’ve got a good bit of news,” it began. “Just listen to this: It’s a dangerous world out there, and it seems like everyone’s looking for protection. Today’s news is all about treaties. Remember that big ol’ war they had in the Chollimas? Well, even though South Chollima survived that, it set off security fears throughout the region. Her Honor Lady Snow of Neighpon just announced today that Neighpon and Equestria are forming a mutual defense pact. Not only does this secure Equestria’s lucrative trade routes with Neighpon, with an estimated combined value of over two hundred billion bits, it also gives Equestria a secure base of operations in the far east, which is currently dominated by pro-zebra governments. Similar agreements with other governments may be in the works.”

“Closer to home, good ol’ Roan of Arc, sovereign ruler of Prance, has just abdicated her position to go and lead the Knight Templars,” continued Tree Dog. “I’m not sure why she’d go off and lead the antagonists in the Assassin’s Creed series, but if you ask me, I’d say she’s screwing her country over to be going off and doing that in a time like this. But that’s just me. Her sister, Damsel Constancia, has now taken the throne. In addition to continuing her sexual escapades with the ruler of a neighboring country, Dame Constancia has gone off and made friends with the zebras. Just today, she announced that Prance would be leaving FATO, cancelling its protective effects and frustrating Equestrian attempts to court her. Not literally, of course, but—you get the picture. I hope…”

After a pause, Tree Dog concluded, “And now, up next it’s Roy Brown, tellin’ us all about that, ‘Mighty, Mighty Mare...’”

Twilight shut off the radio yet again and went back to her map.

“It’s a shame, really,” lamented Twilight as she pondered over the fate of Primus. “Damsel Constancia, going off like that… it’s against her best interests, really.”

“How so?” asked Spike, who had just come back from stuffing his face full of gem cake.

“FATO could have protected Prance from coups and realignment rolls,” said Twilight. “If only she could have waited for me to build up some more influence in the area. Now all of my influence in Prance is gone and replaced with one zebra influence point.”

“It’s not like you were doing anything in that area anyway,” said Spike, semi-reassuringly. “Everypony’s looking for defense, and they’ll snag the best deals they can get. Besides, that’ll just be a lesson for you to pay more attention to your Primian friends.”

“They weren’t of any use anyway,” said Twilight dismissively. “They were just cheese-eating surrender-monkeys.”

“It won’t help you to recapture them when the zebras play them that soundbite,” said Spike.

“Soundbite?” asked Twilight. “What soundbite? How will they even know I said that?”

A sudden ‘click’ drew their attention to the other side of the table, where the phantom zebra was opening a tape recorder, switching out a filled tape with a fresh one.

“This is politics, Twilight,” warned Spike. “And in politics, everything you say can and will be used against you. Everything.”

“Alright, alright,” said Twilight with exasperation. “I’ll try not to make a faux pas again. There, I used a Prench term. Can we get back to work now?”

“Sure,” said Spike. “Just be careful though.”

“I will,” said Twilight. “Besides, I’m sure I can win them back before the next scoring round.”

“That’s the spirit!” said Spike. “Although it may come sooner than expected. When I was dealing the cards earlier, the deck ran out, so I had to re-shuffle it. You’ll seeing some of the same cards again from before.”

“Ok,” replied Twilight. “Thanks for the heads up.”

“Ah, don’t mention it,” said Spike. “It’s just my duty. I got enough thanks from that delicious gem cake.”

“Wait…” asked Twilight. “Gem cake? Was that you who went on my iPad and stole all of my gems?”

“Errr…. Maybe,” admitted Spike guiltily.

“Well fuck you,” said Twilight, out-of-character-like. “I was saving up to buy Rainbow Dash. Now I have to start all over again.”

“Couldn’t you just use some of your iTunes money to buy more gems?” asked Spike.

“No way!” said Twilight. “I’m using that to buy the next Living Tombstone album.”

“Since when does that guy release albums?” asked Spike. “And since when does he make original pony music? It’s just been remixes and covers for the last six months.”

“I dunno,” said Twilight. “At least he’s got some original non-MLP songs.”

“True,” said Spike. “But enough about that. Phantom zebra’s about to start its action round.”

And indeed it was. Phantom zebra played ‘Decolonization,’ which allowed it to place one zebra influence in each of four Emereldan and/or Kaduran countries of its choice. It chose Markhoristan, The Fillyppines, Nefertia, and Neighpon.

“Well, shit,” said Twilight. “They’ve upset the balance in Neighpon again. When will this battle end?”

“It should be over soon,” said Spike. “All you have to do is make a realignment roll and you can bring their influence down to size. The zebras can’t make a realignment roll or a coup of their own because you have that defensive pact.”

“Good idea,” said Twilight. “I’ll do that later. First I want to make sure I control as many adjacent countries as possible so I can make the realignment roll more effective.”

She looked through the cards in her hoof to see which cards she could play. Then the telephone rang.

“I’ll get it,” said Spike. He picked up the phone and asked, “Hello?”

After a second of cartoony cartoon telephone gibberish on the other end, Spike said, “It’s for you.”

“Well, of course,” said Twilight as she took the phone. “It’s my phone.” Then she asked into the phone, “Hello?”

A few more seconds of cartoony cartoon telephone gibberish. Well, more like fifteen seconds. Or twenty. Then Twilight asked Spike, “The guy on the other end by the name of ‘Great Sun,’ claims he’s a king or a president or something, of some nation called ‘The Fillyppines.’ Says he’s pro-us but his parliament isn’t. Says that if we back a coup, he’ll love us forever and ever. Should we help him?”

“Sounds like one of those banana republic dictator-wannabes,” said Spike. “Better to give him 40 bits in steam cash and tell him to buy Tropico 5.”

“What if his computer doesn’t run Directx 11?” asked Twilight.

“Fine,” said Spike. “Tropico 4 then. You get the point.”

“But I have this 2 ops card associated with my opponent,” said Twilight. “And it doesn’t really do anything important, so I don’t have much to lose.”

“Fine,” said Spike. “Have it your way. It won’t be me they criticize when they put this in the history books twenty years from now.”
“I’ll just have Rarity censor it out,” said Twilight. “Hopefully she’ll still be around twenty years from now. Tabitha St. Germain’s gettin’ old.”

“Hey!” shouted Spike. “She’s not that old!”

“Her Wikipedia article says she’s been active since 1985,” said Twilight. “And, assuming she was at least ten when she started, she’d be at least 40 years old by now.”

“Well, according to Tara Strong’s Wikipedia article, she’s 41.” said Spike.

“Oh, come on,” said Twilight. “She looks like she’s ten years younger, right?”

“At least Tabitha doesn’t have boob implants,” said Spike.

“Boob implants?!?” recoiled Twilight in horror. “How do you know they’re not natural?”

“Oh, come on!” said Spike. “Nobody has natural boobs that big. They’re obviously fake.”

“Well…” said Twilight, trying to think. “...there’s no way that Tabitha’s skin could be that color naturally either. At least Tara doesn’t have a spray tan!”

“Spray tan?” asked Spike. “Of course Tara has a spray tan. She lives in Los Angeles. Everybody has a spray tan down there.”

“Quiet!” screamed a deep voice from the other side of the table. “This is getting annoying! Are we going to play this game, or sit around and riff on brony voice actors and musicians?”

“Sorry,” said Twilight and Spike at the same time, affirming that Tara Strong and Cathy Weseluck are indeed Canadian.

“Thank you,” said the phantom. “Now, play your card.”

“I will,” said Twilight. “I’m playing ‘The Canterlot Five’ for two ops points. I’m also using them to start a coup in the Fillyppines… wherever that is.”

“Okay,” said Spike. “Roll your die.”

Twilight rolled her die. She got a three.

“Three plus two is five,” said Spike. “Minus double the country’s stability number, which is four, you remove one zebra influence point from the country.”

Twilight did so. Now Equestria had one influence point and the zebras had two.

“Damnit,” muttered Twilight. “The zebras still control it. Maybe I should have just bought him a Steam card.”

“And what about the opponent’s associated event?” asked Spike.

“Oh, it was just revealing scoring cards,” said Twilight. “And I don’t have any.”

“That’s a relief,” said Spike. “I wonder what the phantom’s going to do next?”

The phantom played ‘Applejack Doctrine’ for one ops point. It used the point to stage a realignment roll in the South Chollima. Both players rolled sixes. Twilight got +1 to her roll because she had more influence in South Chollima than the phantom did, for a total of seven, but the Phantom got +2 for controlling two adjacent countries ,for a total of eight. The difference, two, was removed from Twilight’s influence over South Chollima. The country was now empty of all influence.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Spike. “What are we going to do now? Your realignment roll will be in jeopardy!”

“Don’t worry!” said Twilight. “First, the phantom has to execute the event on the Equestria-associated card it just played.”

The Phantom executed the event, which removed all zebra influence from one uncontrolled country in Primus. It chose the Tsardom of Muskovy.

“Is it just me?” asked Spike, “Or have there lately been a lot of events from the Truman administration associated with Applejack?”

“It’s because Truman was from Missouri,” explained Twilight. “And because Applejack’s the most Amerikkkan of the mane six. I mean, her voice actor’s name is ‘Ashleigh,’ for pete’s sake.”

“But—“ protested Spike.

“Ash-leigh!” emphasized Twilight.

“—Canadian!” said Spike, finishing his sentence that Twilight prevented him from getting to the middle of.

“I said, SHUT UP!” boomed the voice of the phantom.

“Sorry,” said Twilight and Spike in unison, reaffirming that Tara Strong and Cathy Weseluck are indeed Canadian.

“Anyhoo,…” Said Twilight, “Now it’s my turn. For my turn, I am going to play ‘Canal Crisis,’ which would normally be bad for me since it is associated with my opponent, but I’m also going to play ‘League of Nations Intervention’ along with it, cancelling it out and allowing me to use its ops value to conduct operations. The card had a value of 3, so I’m now going to place three influence points in South Chollima, effectively taking control.”

“Yeah!” cheered Spike, “Way to go, Twilight!”

And so it was done. Another international incident was prevented, and Twilight got control of South Chollima.

“Your move,” said Twilight to the phantom.

The phantom looked over its cards. Then it played ‘Impeccable Planning’ for three ops points. It placead two of these points in Leboarnon and one in Markhoristan.

“Drat!” said Spike. “It’s taken control of two more countries. Quick, Twilight! Do something!”

“I’m trying, I’m trying!” said Twilight. “Let’s see… which card should I play for points? How about…”

“‘Death of King Zebra?’” suggested Spike.

“No!” cried Twilight. “King Zebra must live! He is a living testament to the evilness of the zebra empire.”

“Your point is…?” asked Spike wryly.

“My point is this:” said Twilight. “King Zebra is evil, right? As long as he speaks sinister words and puts ponies in his pot, it makes the zebras as a whole look bad. And we want to make the zebras look as bad as possible. That’s why we keep King Zebra on the throne.”

“Wow,” said Spike. “I can’t believe we have the power to make the most prolific mass murderer of our time have a stroke and die, and yet we choose to save it for later.”

“Politics,” replied Twilight. “We can’t let petty moral quandaries bog us down. I suspect they’re going to play ‘Suindael War’ pretty soon, so I’m going to play ‘Elephanto-Rhinoli War.’ Rhoniolia invades Elephantia, go!”

Twilight threw a die and got a four, thereby winning the war. She added two victory points to her total, bringing the score up to one to seven, and added two to her required ‘Freindship ops’ track.

“Twilight, you could have gained some influence in Elephantia if the zebras actually had a presence there,” said Spike.

“I did what I could, Spike,” said Twilight. “We’ll just have to do that the next time we get the card.”

Then the phantom took its turn. It played ‘Suindael War,’ an event in which all of Suindael’s neighbors invaded it for conning them into buying cheap and shoddy arms. The phantom rolled a die, getting a two and losing the war because the anti-Suindaelinans were fighting with cheap and shoddy arms. The phantom shrugged, and then added two to its required ‘friendship ops’ track.

Now it was Twilight’s turn.

“War is bad,” said Twilight. “Those zebras are bad because they just started a war. But I’m a good, peace-loving pony, so that’s why I’m playing ‘Nuclear Test Ban.’ Since the DEFCON is currently at ‘5,’ I get three victory points and the DEFCON improves by two levels.”

“Wait--” said Spike. “Not only are you being a hypocrite, but the DEFCON can’t go above five.”

“Yes it can,” said Twilight as she drew some extra squares on the board with a marker. “Now it can go up to ten.”

“What would a DEFCON of ‘seven’ actually mean?” asked Spike.

“That we’re super duper far away from the MLP equivalent of global thermonuclear war, that’s what,” said Twilight. “And that I get to close the scoring gap between myself and the phantom.”

The phantom didn’t hear its name, because it was busy playing the card ‘Defectors’ on the Space Race. It rolled a two, which allowed it to advance its Space Race tracker by one.

“Oh noes!” exclaimed Twilight. “Not only do the zebras have a space thingy in space, now they’ve got a dog!”

“And now they can play two space race cards per turn!” exclaimed Spike. “Now what?”

“I tell you what!” said Twilight. “I’m gonna play my ‘Three Kingdoms Card’ now. I’ll use all of its four ops points in Kadur, giving me five, and I’ll place three in Yokeinawa and two in the Fillyppines.”

“But that just gives the ‘Three Kingdoms’ Card over to the phantom,” said Spike.

“Yeah, but It gives me control over two Kaduran countries adjacent to Neighpon,” said Twilight. “Soon, the realignment roll will be complete, and we shall have another country within our moderately expanding sphere of influence.”

For its last action round of the turn, the phantom played ‘I’d Take Cover if I Were You’ for three ops points. It placed one influence point in the Changeling Kingdom and two in the Roaman Empire, taking them both over and acquiring the ‘Changeling Kingdom’ card.

“Twilight!” yelled Spike, “They’re going to take over Primus! We’ve got to do something!”

“And I’ve got just the card!” replied Twilight. “I play: ‘Eastern Primian Unrest!’”

The card allowed her to remove one zebra influence from each of three Eastern Primian countries of her choosing. For this, she chose the Changeling Kingdom, Yugoatslavia, and the Unicorn Kingdom, freeing the latter two from the tight grip of zebra control.

“You know, they still dominate Primus,” said Spike. “You’re tied for battleground countries, but they still control more countries overall.”

“I’ll change that next turn,” said Twilight. “I promise.”

“You promised to do a realignment roll in Neighpon this turn as well,” said Spike.

“Damnit, Spike!” shouted Twilight. “Stop criticizing me! Are you helping or hurting me?”

“Sorry,” said Spike, affirming that, even though they’re both Canadian, Cathy Weseluck is actually more Canadian than Tara Strong.

Neither country achieved their required five (now seven) ‘friendship ops,’ but Equestria had one more ‘Friendship ops’ point than the zebras did. The zebras are docked five points and the Equestrians are docked four. This brings the total to Zero to Two.
The DEFCON now stands at an impossibly high seven. There is very low risk of an MLP equivalent of global thermonuclear war.
Starting in turn four, the game will proceed into the ‘Mid-War’ phase. This means new cards, new adventures, a total hoof size of nine (the two card countries’ cards do not count towards this limit), and seven action rounds instead of the previous six. Stay tuned for another six exciting years of: Twilight Struggle: The Board Game.

Because the phantom never said ‘sorry’ once in this chapter, (or any of the previous chapters either,) it is affirmed that, whatever it is, it is definitely not Canadian.