It started out as a simple assignment from the top of the mafia--remix this classical song. But when bullets start flying left and right in an all out mob war, Vinyl finds herself caught in the middle of the conflict. Her only desire is to protect a mare that she is beginning to fall in love with, a mare that may or may not share her affections, however fate has other less romantic plans for her. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash, a hit mare for the Apple Family, is falling deeper into depression as she tries to deal with the reality that she is a murder for a living, while desperately trying to hold onto the relationship she has with a mare that is next in line as the head of the criminal organization.
NEW CHAPTERS COME DAILY!
so don't forget to 'favorite' or something if you want more of the story each day.
466802
Glad to see mr. Grammar Natzi's still around.
But all I can say about this fic is, if you manage to screw up the description, then I'm sure as shit not reading.
It was an interesting concept... but THE GRAMMAR AND SPELLING IT BURNS!
467250
467226
466802
Is the "Im not a nativ speeker" excuss still valid?
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467271
put the story in MS word.... it has spellcheck and grammar check...
And no not really.
467271 I'm not a native speaker as well. You might just chill for a moment and read some stuff, y'know? Have a good grasp on the language before you start writing properly. The premise really is interesting (believe me, pony mafia is one thing I was hoping to read), but the grammar makes it all difficult. You could look around for an editor or try to edit the story yourself. Write it on GDocs, as they offer (some) spell checking and then import it to FiMFiction.
But don't give up. If you want to, you can continue this story, improving as time passes and, when you feel ready. You can come back and edit/revise the past chapters.
467271 Find a pre-reader to help, for starters. Not being a native speaker doesn't help, but it's not an excuse, sorry. Go to the chat or something and ask for help. Somepony is likely to volunteer.
467298
That is EXACTLY what I do.
467303
I like how I do it now and (shokingly) my spelling is far better then it used to be. I speek better english then my english teacher and my spoken english is supurb. I use the spellcheak from hotmail.com to help but it only puts a band-aid on it. I am trying varry hard, my friend. If you can help me somewhat, I would apreciate it. I have noticed that some stories I make that are actualy realy good, and thats not just me braging, get bad reviews because of spelling.
sorry =/
467311
The chat scares me. There is no love on this web site. I would much rather go to ponychan for help and a pre-reader because the people around hear that actual have any human sence of empithy to help someone elts is suprisingly a minority taking under consideration that the brony fandom is based on love and tolorence. The chat, in my expirence, is a few steps up from Omegle, minus all the dicks.
No offence if you go on there, though. Im just saying in general
467349 I can't help you in the sense that I'll be edition your story for you. But I can help you by pointing you towards the right direction: This group (called Looking for Editors) is filled with people willing to help.
467377
The thing is, I dont wright to entertain people. I wright because it entertains myself. Frankly, I have no intention of getting on EQD or anything elts. I wright by myself, for myself. I post on this site because when I leave them in my Gdocs folder it just feels forgoten where as when they go up hear, they feel imortalised. Im trying to say: Im not sure if I realy want to get it edited by anyone other then myself. If you could look over chapter 1 and 2 (I added a few paragraphs at the end of chapter 2 if you didn't see that) and tell me if you think that this could actualy live up to something. Evin if you see "The Magics"
in this fic, then I stilll would rather just fix spelling myself.
Deadpon3y
nice one...(finishes reading) o no..o..O HELL NO.i think I may need to strike my size 13 combate boots up that old shits ass >:)
Chapter 3 now up =)
470242
lol. I also explain the spelling eror in "deadpon3y" in chapter three if your woundering why its spelled wrong =D
sorry chapter 3 came in late. Long story
471472If yourlooking to start a group....I'll do it with u if u won't
also ask the othere people who are following u if they are interested in joining
472599
messege me but that. I like the idea.
Warning Warning.. Shit is going to hit the fan..Warning Warning..Shit is going to hit the fan
Befor I continue reading this.....one thing to say.....LIVE MOAES
the fuck man I can't feel my liver 
is that a bad thing
473314
haha, you see what I did there?
and no, that sounds pirfectly healthy
Attention Attention... Shit has hit the fan...Attention Attention...shit has hit the fan
give me my M16A3 and I'll have granny smith and everypony elis 6 feet below in 3 days....greonted
Fuck the apple famille im with the civillon rebellis on this one ( no afentes)
P.S: I studed under crasy ass pink pie for 4 years......until I made her into cupcaks for killing rainbow dash behind my back
I would suggest an alternate universe tag for this story.
This is interesting so far. I'm liking the mystery you've presented. Plus the way you've reinterpreted all the characters is interesting. Grannysmith as the godfather, Rainbow Dash and her mental damage, and Applejack as a cold killer all stand out.
That said some of the dialogue is a little off. Not all of it but some of it.
For example in chapter 2:
"Dig, muthafucka, dig!"
"Now that-a-boy. Y'all make mah life just a li'l bit easier there!"
Both those lines don't strike me as something Applejack would say. I know you've reinterpreted the character but still they're both off putting. The first one makes Applejack sound like a bad gansta' and the second one makes it sound like she avoids work.
Also I cite chapter 4
"It's okay. He was a good pony, and he is now at peace."
It reads pretty awkwardly because you used he twice and you have a comma (which represent a pause) immediately followed by "and".
Overall though the story's fine you should just try a little harder with some of that dialogue.
477136
I respect you'r opinion =)
you read all of the chapters so far?
And the dialauge dose need work, I know. I alredy sead this, but Im not a nativ english speaker. And I have alot of trouble distingueshing between formal wrighting and informal wrighting (and forget about spoken english; I can't pronunce half the words I'm typing now) so conversational texts are varry hard for me. I have improved quite a bit and I like the imput (granted that a shoking majority of imput isn't nearly as respectful as yours so I should clearifie by saying that I like respectufl imput. but haters gunna hate)
thank you =)
I have chapter 6 all typed up alredy and it will be released tomrow.
(bare in mind that some dialoug in the begining of Ch.6 is a little aquard, but that was intentional. You may or may not see what I mean. Just wanted to give you a heads up.
477212
Yes I've read all the chapters so far. I wouldn't have commented otherwise.
Maybe you should collaborate with someone. If English isn't your first language then it might be a wise idea to get someone who speaks English first to help.
Plus not all the dialogue is bad. Some of it's pretty good actually. The scene in chapter 3 with Vinyl and Octavia was quite good.
I read in your other comments that you're writing to amuse yourself and don't want an editor, which is fine, but that doesn't change the fact that your story could be better with an editor which is why I advise you to find one.
Glad to know that you've got the next chapter written.
Your welcome for the input.
477245
actualy, I did get an editor. I keep tabs because I realy dont want to give the editor the power to change too much so evrything is sugested and I give it the "okey"
And I will not colaborate as far as my English skills go. Part of the reasion for me using this site insted of a Russian fanfiction site is because I want to improve my english wrighting more. I take quite a bit of pride in how I am doing with this story and how I am able to figure out much of the dialoug and whatnot. Honestly, I would rather have make the story 'mine' that make it fantastic. And in my opinion, I am doing both at the same time (thats just an opinion) and frankly to know that I can produce a fantastic pice that is fully my own gives my great joy
477266
Glad to hear you have an editor. It's important that the writer has more control than the editor so I'm glad to hear you have that.
As far as english goes I'm glad to hear your trying to improve (I feel terrible with my awful language skills). Taking pride in your work is also something that I respect. Your very confident in it's quality and that's something I wish I was with my own work.
477294
>Im confadent in my work
I have made some realy shitty works and a few of them are still on my acount
(Wake up derpy, Stupid, They gunna sell us: to name a few)
but this is a little difrent. I have been making fanfics for a while on other sites but I think this is thew first time I realy cared. And the first time I ever submited anything on Equestria Daily. I never got a reply so Im asuming that was my first rejection =(
but I dont care realy about that.
Im proud in this work in particular
477323
Like I said it's good to take pride in your work.
467303
grammer: fixed
Still need an Alternate Universe tag for this. It's an interesting story, but it's a touch too modern, never mind the firearms.
479393
fine, I supose.
Definite improvement in the dialogue. Though i did notice this:
"True, but you are the closest that we can honestly get to. Those meetings are our window into the Apple Family world."
You should probably have it as.
"True, but you are the closest that we can honestly get to her. These meetings are our window into the Apple Family world."
Also this was awkward:
"And here I was, thinking that all that rap and hip hop were the only things you listened to."
It should probably look like this:
"And here I was, thinking that rap and hip hop where the only things you listened to."
It's a small difference.
Any way good chapter.
480975
thancks.
And as far as dialoug gose, Im not sure what I did to improve it. As for the first one, it is not refering to the meeting Chuckwas having with the mysterious figure, it was refering to the meetings with Granny Smith. And, no offence, if you are thinking that the mysterious pony is grany smith, your smoking something hard because he/she ordered Chuck to spy on Granny Smith. I love a good twist but that would be just fucking reduclious.
thank you though. As for the second point, I may or may not change it. I dont know. Im lazy. Its not a big enugh of an issue (like when I sead by mistake in one of the chapters that applejack would be a human shield when her house was being shot up: that was a major error on my part) for me to realy have the motovation to go back and change it. Sorry
all in all, thank you for the feed back
Yeah this getting a favorite. First chapter I've noticed noticed no dialogue issues with. I'm really loving Rainbow in this story. Her insecurity is exceedingly engrossing and her strained relation with Applejack is allot better then most Appledash that I see.
I really want to know where this story's going. It's got me exited.
Also turns out Rarity is a pedophile.
Good work.
481050
>Rarity is a pedophile
That is defanatly not what I was thinking when I wrote that part but okey.
I have plans for the story right now and at random times through the day, I just feel like wrighting so I do so. Thats why there have been so meany inconsistancys with when I upload chapters but no one seems to be objection to the rappid rate.
And thank you for the favorite
it means alot realy.
481029
In what way did I say I think the mysterious figure was Granny Smith? The difference between "those" and "these" does not change the meaning that much.
481070
Well if she's doing that with Spike then she has to be. How young is he again? 14 or something?
I definitely appreciate the frequent updates even if they're not exactly planned or at regular intervals.
481073
if it helps, I jut got back from the disco and Im a litte drunk. 
sorry. Thats just how it was perceaved by myself.
481089
Acording to show canon (in the episode dragon quest) he is under a year old...
Thats just....
Thank god Im using varry little canon hear. Actualy, If you dont mind a small little spoiler, spike will be showen as a pimp, he is head of the Apple Family's prostitution ring. Im currentl wrighting chapter 8 and Im on the fence as wether or not I want to depect Rarity as a prstitute. I want to, but I would rather not piss off all the Rarity lovers out there. I have lerned that whe you show a charactor in a light like that, it tends to bring on shitstorms.
481123
One year old?...
All joking aside Rarity as a prostitute is probably a bad idea. It's one thing to reinterpret the characters but it's another thing entirely to do a full one eighty.
Rainbow works because in the show she's confident most of the time but is actually pretty insecure some of the time, so her as an outwardly cold professional hit-man that's suffering mental trauma is a step a way from her character but nor a complete reversal of.
Rarity as a prostitute though probably wouldn't work because it would pretty much be completely different from her depiction in the show. Plus it wouldn't make sense that she's giving Spike orders if he's the pimp and she's the hooker.
481166
Thats what I was thinking. It would be funny, but probably a varry bad idea. I have seen it done in other fics where she was depicted as a sluty ho, because she somewhat fits the bill with her being such a drama queen and whatnot.
If I can be honest with you, I would realy rather think about it when Im sober and can form more coharent thoughts. Its a realy bad idea to drink and wright, ya know. I wright when Im drunk often actualy, but Im too scared of bucking up the story with a stupid thought. So Im going to do the responsable thing and shut the computer down and see how I feel this afternoon (not sure where you are in the world but thew sun is rising hear) after a nice long sleep
481199
Best slogan ever:
"Drink writing, it's dangerous and it's stupid."
That joke may not make much sense to you but here in Australia theres a government add going around that has the slogan:
"Drink spiking, It's dangerous and it's stupid"
But anyway waiting till later is definitely a good idea because as I can promise you from personal experience: Drink writing is a perfect way to ruin a story.
I'll talk to you later then.
Oooooo shit u blow her damn head off like I did
but fluttershy...an assassin....fucking brilliant.....still on the millitents side fuck the mobsters
O shit lovey dovey momnent
I think I'm going to be sick
Rainbow Dash and Applejack...
That's going to end badly. Isn't it?
Anyway the kids doing drugs was pretty fucked up. If their as old as they are in the cartoon then they're twelve at the most.
Good chapter(s).
486741
haha
exactly. I did my best to try and keep there inocent aperience. I actualy moudled it after me when I was about 11 and my friend found merijuana in his moms bedroom (I grew up in a rough town). It's funny when you look back at all the stupid things you do as a child.
anyway, glad you liked it =) more tomrow
In order from fist reation to last:
his one year old and already fucking 
O my fucking god sweeti bell is a FUCKING RETARED
Warning incoming shit storm
I can see what u did there on the rapid down werd slide of life in perspective with the life in constent conflict and death and deprtion. However, to bringe peace and life to a corrupted nation. One must be willing to take the gift of life, and if nessiery, loss that gift. This story is getting so fucking awsome that I can't stop rereading the previous chapters
As always, your freand
War brony
491226
That realy makes me feel great =D thank you.
sorry for being late with new chapter. I got caught up in a bunch of thngs
Oooo shit man!!! HOLY SHIT will hit the fan prity damn soon. Love how u put Leyr in the story as a millitant
just hope she makes it out alive. Nice play by 
being there. Goddamn it i read it to fast..MUST...READ.....MMMMOOOORRRRREEEEE