Silence, a human ninja in New York 2069, has worked for everyone who pays. But when one job goes south, he lands in a land of ponies and magic. The only problem he sees is humans are pets. How will he cope with the loss of his home, his lively hood and his freedom? Read and Find out!
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Interesting....continue
write more plz
Don't worry, it's coming but i can't give a date yet. Only 400 words into the next chapter and i hope to brake the thousand mark tonight.
this sounds really cool so far. I look forward to more!
I hate to point out some spelling (because I suck so bad at it) but ninja uniforms along with most - not all - other martial art uniforms are called a GI instead of GEE.
but however you want to spell it, I want to read more.
If I did my own it would be a crossover as well ( in my case I was thinking of a video game antagonist (in this cast Dimitri Blinov) (his power allows him to copy magical attacks
4946160 ya, I've got someone to edit the first chapter, but I'll need a real editor soon.
4946243 were you talking about Damien? Cause he doe.sn't have that much source material on him. So i winged it. He is just the CEO of Ares Macrotechnology
4946662 no I was telling you my idea for one lol
It's interesting so far. But the next chapter will decide if I like this Story or not.
4946672 oh well don't i feel silly.
Go for it, dude.
You totally stole that from skyrim
Interesting. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
Okay, this was unexpected. No really, I thought this would fall flat.
I've been working on Chapter two. I hope to have it out and done by tonight. But that is not a promise.
Anyway, thank you all for the feed back and views.
May you always walk in the light.
Why does he not just speak?
pretty good
4957626 I don't think he can speak
4957626 your human and you verse has all the humies as mutes. dunno why. the equestrian native humans are also a different subspecies when compared to "real world" humans. more herbivorous diet, different teeth, much shorter life span.
4957670
I give him credit for actually writing down on paper, something the original author of the original series didn't think to do until the story was about six chapters in. But the whole "humans cannot speak" thing, even when THESE humans are CLEARLY not from this world, never made any sense in the original story, and the author hasn't established trying to speak in THIS one either. It's just confusing.
Wouldn't it make more sense that he would try to tell them to leave him alone, he realizes that he can't talk for some reason, THEN he goes for the pen and paper?
4957626
He survived a slit throat, I don't think Anyone would be able to speak after that.
Pore guy, can't even giggle.
Man i'm mean to my protagonist, all of them.
4957715 boom! word of god solves everything. also on an unrelated note, dear sweet merciful fuck you need a proof reader. watch for homonyms especially. The title itself should be tale( unless its supposed to be a play on words), and the second chapter was rife with them. other than that wonderful story, i enjoy the idea of a shadowrunner in equestria, though now i want to see what would happen if you dropped a troll street sammy onto the poor little ponies.
4957715
So his slit throat is why he can't speak? Well that's a more REASONABLE explanation. Though this should logically mean that if his throat gets healed, he should be able to speak.
4957750
Danny could make a comeback. I made him to be one huge dick joke.
As for prof readers, yes I need one. And an editor. Pleas, someone help!!
4957755 not necessarily. extensive tissue damage doesnt always heal up right and if it doesnt he could be left with little if any vocal capability. there are cases of it happening real world so its not unprecedented.
4957760 I would volunteer since im on FiM every night nearly, but i have no idea if i would be able to keep a schedule for your work
4957755
You need vocal cords to talk and his were slashed. One version of Snakeeyes had the same problem, only he was shot through the throat.
4957770
I update when I can, basically once i was done i would have to let you see it first.... however that is done....
4957774
I saw that cartoon. Really good take on GI Joe. But isn't he a shadowrun ninja? Shouldn't he be used to that kind of damage? Not to mention he's in a land of magic even beyond what he normally sees...wouldn't it be smart to find some bleeding heart unicorn to get him to heal his voice? Then, at least, he won't get mistaken for just a dumb animal.
4957831
That may happen, if I feel like being nice to this one. I am a benevolent god in my stories, just look at Path of the Starclaw.
I wish they had an evil laugh emot.
4957844
Please be the nice boss! Too often authors will just use the setup as an excuse to put a human character through Hell. If would be a refreshing change of pace to see this inverted.
With the tech he has in his body, how come he doesn't have a synthetic voice like Steven Hawken?
Alright. You earned my Fav with this second chapter. Let's see what you have planned...
That was fun. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
4957712
When he first arrived, he tried to shout and was met with debilitating pain.
Interesting...but your spelling is off, and you went with something fairly cliched; a ninja-skilled and dressed protagonist. I'm feeling like this guy is a self-insert, so you might want to change that. Also, a gui, not gee, and a katana are rather conspicuous in public, don't you think? There are a few things wrong with this, such as your character being rather flat with everything, bits of world-building for your futuristic America, and of course, the spelling and grammatical errors. They are too glaring for me to give this a favorite, but it has earned an upvote on mere concept alone. You may consider getting an editor to give your stuff a thorough look at this before submitting it, and I recommend rewriting this entire chapter to avoid the blatant ninja-katana-character cliche that you have used.
Seriously, I've read only four Naruto related HiE's, and they've gotten incredibly old, incredibly fast. It's one of those genres that you should stay away from when writing fanfiction like this. That, combined with your spelling errors and characterization tell me that you're about fourteen years old, but rather smart. It would help a lot if you were to practice your writing by paying better attention to your English classes, and actually listen to your teacher when he/she tells you to work on your spelling, simply because there are a few people, like myself, that would jump on the spelling you have shown in this chapter and your character. They, however, would be much less nice than myself.
I like this story, I really do. But that's as far as I can go with this, thanks to the spelling, grammar, structure and characterization of not just the protagonist, but also the other people in your story. They are two-dimensional, cookie-cutter characters, and very flat when portrayed. Your protagonist is just as much so, but only barely more dynamic. The beginning of the chapter was rather well done, despite the small errors with it, but it seems like it declined from there in quality. Again, I would seriously consider rewriting this thing before you get too deep into the story so that you could pull in better reviews from other people. All the errors I mentioned are the only things that keep me from favoriting, but again, you have my upvote. Keep at it, keep trying to improve, and you'll get there, kid. Thanks for taking the time to read this comment, and I hope you found it rather helpful. Peace!
So... Imma say it. Canines. Not k-9s.
4960780
Thank you, fixing now.
4961131
Righty-o! Looking forward to the next chapter.
should be "but why didn't I feel it.
should be " with a pink mane and tail"
a tale is a story and an example of when to use "fell". I was walking up the hill before I slipped and fell down to the ground
4985982 fixed it. thank you.
Ninjas and ponies? Color me intrigued.
I hope no pony comes after him, otherwise they could be seriously injured. Or killed, but this guy doesn't seem like someone who would kill without good reason.
4985995 no problem, just trying to help you improve :)
I'm starting to wonder if this story is dead
5086193
No, its not dead. I'm just a slow writer. The next chapter is sitting at 2000 words right now, just a few more to go and I'll post it.
5086710 Ah no worries, I myself had to put my story on hiatus cuz I write slow and right now I'm also stuck with how to continue
WOOOHOOO
Haha Luna gave you your voice back, now you are her pet for the rest of your life xD
Haha Luna gave you your voice back, now you are her pet for the rest of your life xD
That was fun. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.