After being electrocuted at a young age, physicist mare 'Static Charge' was left with severe burns and an indescribable fear for electricity. Chemist 'Osiridium' was there at the accident and hospitalised the mare, visiting every day and gaining her trust and her friendship. But it's not all sunshine and daises for the two, a nuclear apocalypse has shrouded the land, with clouds of radiation from the bombs that were dropped. Germany, now in ruins, becomes a petri dish of tiny bacteria that are survivors of the disaster. The two English speaking survivors are orphaned and have nothing better to do than to explore the wasteland together. The rather unlucky Static Charge is always getting attacked by rebels and raiders that don't care for anyone. But there is a bigger power looking over the two. A group that hides in the shadows like silent assassins. And an irradiated schizophrenic that wants death to everypony still alive. With the help of the LGAF (Last German Armed Forces) or LBW (Letzte Bundeswehr), can the two stop the threat and rebuild society?
This is my first fanfic. It is mildly based off of Fallout 3 and Fallout Equestria and my general interest in the topic. Be prepared for bad language, gore and lots and lots of violence. Action packed and filled with adventure, compromise and love. Any constructive criticism is acceptable. Thanks a lot and enjoy this twisted story. Chapter 2 coming out in a while. Some German (with subtitles) in second chapter and sexual implications in a later chapter but no actual described actions.
P.S. Lyra does not appear for a while.
<3 MetricOnion
Not bad! Not bad at all!
Wow...
Not sure why this got two dislikes. Way better than a whole lot of fanfics out there. Grammar was good, didn't spot any obvious errors. (EDIT: "civilizations" in the short description is spelled wrong. No wait, maybe that's a British thing. Like colour/color and defense/defence. IDK.)
Pacing was a bit quick, but that wasn't a real problem. I will await future chapters.
4922064 Thanks very much for the feedback. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, it was midnight when I turned off the screen and went to sleep. I will make sure that the second chapter does not jump to a conclusion too quick because I got the same feedback from my brother when he read it.
<3 Metric
4921244 Thanks!
<3 Metric
Part 2 coming out later today
Tally ho chaps! Why not give this story some more love? It isn't bad, and by that I mean it has potential, just needs a bit of work here or there. Even if you just skim it, hold out for updates. It's evident that he's willing to update it at some point, so I expect it'll get better with time.
It's good to see aspiring writers being brave enough to post their work for all to see. It takes some serious balls and I'm pleased to see writers like this spreading their metaphorical wings. Keep up the good work, and don't forget to listen to your commenters chap, they are a huge help (I always take the advice of my commenters to try and improve their reading experience, and improve myself as a writer).
Write on, aspiring writers everywhere!
4923371
You made a grammatical mistake:
Why not give this story some more love?
There shouldn't be a ? there.
JK, thanks a lot and keep it up!
<3 Metric
4923378 Ah ha, but that is where you are wrong!
I wrote it as a request, and 'why' is one of the five (or is it six?) question words. Pretty much any sentence beginning with who, what, when, where, why or how is bound to be a question.
I conclude by maintaining my ground and insisting I have not made incorrect use of grammar and that I am
a Nazia Communista high standards kinda guy.Try not to pick people up on their grammar too much. It annoys people. There's a time and a place, but here isn't one. Still, my flag remains planted and I believe that the story is good but needs work.
That is all for now. Tally ho!
Oh, PS. Next time I would consider not being that rude to your commenters. You're lucky I have a cool head. I know it was intended as a joke, but some may not take it that way. Just a bit of advice, writer to writer.
4922064
That is a British thing. We spell things
the correct way,the way that they're supposed to be, the English way.4923430
Psssht, Americans invented English.
4928366
Riiiiiight