THE ANGRY SPACE MARINE THAT COULD
It was just an average day for Space Marine, Titus. He was at the DMV for Rhinos where he would get his tank license. When suddenly before him leapt a HERETIC!
“Oh no,” says Titus, “what do mine eyes see?” The heretic stood in front of him reading a magazine on heresy! Titus tapped him on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, HERETIC, but you cut me in line! Let me in front.” The heretic looked at Titus and shrugged him off. Which was quite the feat as Titus was space marine. “Perhaps you don’t understand me, Heretic!” The heretic sighed and looked at Titus.
“Listen, buddy. Why don’t you go preach your Emperor somewhere else?” he asked. Titus got mad. Real mad. Not only had this heretic cut him in line, but then he dissed the Emperor! Titus’ breathing became ragged, his eyes red.
“WHAT SAY?” Titus asked. The heretic’s eyes went wide and he began to sweat.
“I, uh, I’m sorry?”
“NOT ACCEPTING THAT,” Titus screamed as he grabbed his thunderhammer. A hammer charged with electricity made clearing away the heresy easy, Titus reflected as he smashed in a skull or two. So righteous in his zealotry Titus opened his eyes face to face with the Emperor!
“My child,” the Emperor began. Titus started to squeal.
“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! It’s the Emperor of Mankind!” he garbled.
“Yes, yes. Now I have a special task for you,” he tried again. Again he was interrupted.
“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! It’s the Emperor of Mankind!” Titus garbled. The Emperor’s brow furrowed.
“Yes, about the task…” he resumed. Titus wasn’t even listening.
“I stopped heresy today!” Titus said proudly.
“You know, you’re stupid. To the chaos with you,” the Emperor said. Casting his hand aside the Emperor garnered his vast psyker powers and tore open a portal to anywhere. “Sorry about this,” he mumbled as he threw the space marine into the portal.
“Where am I?” asked Titus. The world surrounding him was strange. Titus was scared; he knew only war and heresy. Well, he knew the war against heresy. Strange xenos surrounded him. They stood less than half his height. A grey one came up to him and gave him a strange look. It’s eyes looked him up and down at the same time.
“What are you?” it asked.
“What are you?” Titus asked.
“I’m a pony,” the pony said.
“Do you follow the Emperor?” Titus asked. The gray pony sat down heavily and rubbed her chin.
“Hmmm, nope!” it exclaimed. Titus gasped. He had prepared for this moment his entire life. Reaching into one of his bags he withdrew a paper and unraveled it.
“Do you know what this is?” he asked gravely. The pony shook her head. Titus smirked. “Good.” He coughed. “Well, have I got news for you! If you just listen to me we can have you turned around from your heretical ways!” The pony tilted her head.
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
“Clearly you haven’t accepted the Emperor into your life. So why not now? Before it’s too late!”
“I think I’m good,” the grey pony said, leaping into the air and flying away. This made Titus sad. Didn’t anyone want to hear of the miracles the Emperor? Slowly he meandered the town. He met pony high and low, yet none cared for his stories. Eventually, he wandered into a dress shop.
“Hark, pony. Have you an Emperor in your life?” Titus asked the busy white unicorn. She looked at him frantically.
“Are you here for a dress?” she asked. Titus looked at his blood-stained armor.
“Not really,” he muttered. Rarity looked at his armor too.
“Are you sure, darling? That is the most awful shade of red.” Titus sighed.
“I, I think I have to go now,” he mumbled.
“Nonsense, step up to the mirrors,” Rarity said as she pushed him along.
Soon enough Titus had a nice floral print to his armor. It looked dashing. Titus stepped out of the shop.
“I hope no one see me,” he whines, “although I do feel kind of pretty.” Titus grudgingly walked through the town, throwing codices and scrolls at ponies. A purple one came up to him.
“You have book, yes?” she asked.
“I have books about the Emperor,” he groaned. Twilight looked in ecstasy.
“Me want,” exclaims Twilight.
“Will you accept the Emperor into your life?”
“Yeah yeah, sure.” Titus handed her a thick Codex on the proper ways to kill heretics, and then… he danced.
“Yeah, I did it! I converted one of them!” he exclaimed. Titus followed the pony back to her house and to his horror, it was filled with books.
“Like my collection?” she asked.
“No! I don’t!” Titus yelled as he grabbed his flamer. If it’s not a codex, it’s for heretics. That was the Emperor’s law.
“What mean?” she asked, confused.
“HERESY,” Titus seethed. Pulling the trigger, Titus let loose with great bouts of… spaghetti. The pony looked at him confused.
“What is meaning of this?” Titus threw the flamer away.
“IT’S NOT NORMALLY LIKE THIS!” he yelled as he ran to the shelves and grabbed for books. Pulling them down and ripping them up left and right.
“Stop tearing books!” Twilight demanded of him. Titus stopped and looked at her. The evil glint in her eyes meant one thing. She too was a heretic. Titus dropped the books and ran for the door. Twilight intercepted him.
“But you are a heretic,” Titus moaned.
“I was a heretic to the Emperor the whole time!” Quickly, Twilight lunged at him and started to slap his face with her hooves. Titus grunted in pain. The burning sensation of heresy was strong in her blows.
“Now you have been touched by heresy! You are heresy!” Twilight rationalized. Titus gasped, it was true. Titus was no longer a space marine.