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Ramirez in Equestria.
<i>Defend Burgertown, Ramirez, Defend giant magic portal, Ramirez. That’s what they allllways said.</i> Look where it got me now. I’m somewhere new, a forest. After checking my packs I still had my m16, 4 magazines, 2 frag grenades, and a predator missile targeting computer.
I got up slowly, wary about any injuries sustained. Remembering what happened was blurry. My squad was defending a giant magic portal in the Pentagon from Nazi zombies or something. Suddenly I had tripped and was thrown into the portal, and now I was here.
I tried to give myself a few reassuring words, but I couldn’t make any sound. I grabbed my throat frantically, yet my voice didn’t come out in its suave manliness. Normally I wasn’t the talkative type, but this was ridiculous.
Standing on two legs I gripped my gun tightly, wary of any Russians or Nazis who might be around. Something rustled in the bushes. Quick-scoping with my Red Dot Sight- Golden Camouflage M16, which glistened in the sun, I took aim at the bush. A small, yellow and pink… NAZI CAME RUSHING OUT OF THE BUSH.
<i>RAMIREZ, MAKE NAZI FRIENDS</i> came rushing into my head. Against all instinct, I shouldered my gun and robotically walked up to the small Nazi. She looked up at me with much fear and worry. I extended a hand to it.
“H-hello?” she squeaked. I stood stoically and continued to hold my hand out to her. “D-do you need, uh, help?”
<i>Move the joystick up and down to nod</i> I did so.
“Uhm, okay. Just follow me,” she said as she took into the air like a predator drone. I went into crouch for this stealth mission and followed the flying pony out of the forest and into town. Somewhere in between we had to stop for a quick loading session, but after that we were on our way.
All through town I kept spotting more and more of the ponies about. Each of them had next to no camouflage with which to blend into the environment. Luckily, crouching made me invisible to them. Eventually the pony brought me to a large tree with a house on the inside.
Inside the house held a new pony; this one was purple with pink stripes in her mane and tail. Did she know where my squad was? IF only I had never been thrown through this awful magic portal! I was just one day from retirement… to see my wife and kids at home. Without their father, who would support them and raise them to become men? Even the girls needed to become men. My heart ached with the thought of them growing up alone in a harsh and cruel world.
“Fluttershy, what is that?” asked the unicorn? I would have let out a gasp if my voice had worked. My cover was blown. Jumping out of the crouch and leaping into the air while spinning 360 degrees I fired randomly. I landed two headshots on the clearly terrorist ponies.
Landing on the ground I turned my gun from left to right rapidly, hoping there wasn’t any reinforcements. I checked my magazine, only used two bullets. It was time to reload. The familiar click of the magazine sliding home filled me with a sense… of home.
<i>Ramirez, take out the town</i> came the voice in my head. Nodding, I took out the predator missile targeting computer and popped it open. I was now in the eye of a missile barreling down on the terrorist compound I was now in. The missile came closer and closer. These terrorists feared my 15th level prestige prowess!
I forgot that the predator missile doesn’t damage architecture! After I closed the laptop and put it behind me I sighed, I needed 23 more kills to get the nuke. Quickly opening the door into the bright communist/terrorist day I spied many a-target. I let loose with a flurry of noob-killing rounds. I heard the familiar ring of the nuclear launch codes being given to a lowly rifleman.
Grasping the launch button I always held in my bag I gave a mournful look at the sky. It looked full of waiting dreams. Dreams of those who would do great things one day. After I pressed the button it was full of a mushroom cloud.