Chapter One of the Princess Diaries
“All Val Roan deer and elk possess magical abilities, channeled through their horns. Though Prince Eine of the House of Evo isn't yet a buck, he'll certainly be no exception.” The crimson sheen of a sunset wafted across Arcanista's muzzle with a thin slit from a side window in the wagon. She held a chalice full of clear liquid before her and gave it a tiny zap of electrical energy from a fixed point in her forehead. “Even does and cows—lacking horns—can manifest mana. See?” The liquid inside the chalice lit up with a bright blue glow.
“Cooooooooool...” Kera blinked. She then smiled. “Bet you can't make it explode! Hah!”
Arcanista's lips curved slightly. “That's something I also wish to bring up.” She placed the chalice down and weathered a few bumply jerks in the wagon ride. “I've learned that you have quite the proficiency in your own magical abilities.”
“Dang straight!” Kera tilted her chin up proudly. “Taught by the best! Hugged by the rest!”
“You've even personally dispensed with goblins of the Cartels, yes?”
“I've shoved more imps into a lake than you can shake a cudgel, at!” She blinked, then giggled at herself. “Heehee! Pilate will be so proud of me! I'm saying 'cudgel.'”
“Well, I'm afraid you'll have to restrain from doing so for the next forseeable future.”
“What? Saying 'cudgel?'”
“I mean performing magic, dear.”
Kera's green eyes twitched. “Wh-What?!”
“At least so excessively.”
“But... b-but I'm supposed to be a Xonan monarch!” Kera gaped. “We're supposed to be all about magic!” She blinked, then her tattooed face scrunched. “I think.”
“Truly?”
“Yeah. Mana this and mana that. Fill in the rest with chaos dragons. Question marks. Profit.”
“Well, that may be true back in Xona...” Arcanista's lips curved slightly. “Or in the fictitious version of Xona... but in this particular situation, you will have to be a diplomat first and a Xonan Warrior second.”
“Awwwwwwww... where's the fun in that?”
“Do not worry. There will come a time when Val Rona custom dictates the optional display of your psionic expertise, but—even still—there are certain checks and balances to keep in mind.”
“Such as...?”
“Never... ever perform magic in front of the Prince,” Arcanista said with a firm gaze. “Unless—of course—prompted to, in which case...”
“Blow stuff up?!” Kera grinned.
“...you are cutomarily prohibited from outperforming the Prince at any feat of magic.”
Kera's jaw dropped. “NOW you've gotta be making a manure bag out of me!”
“And less four letter words, dear.”
“That was a six letter word.”
“Horses for courses.” Arcanista's eyes were form. “For this charade to work flawlessly, you must be both discreet and unassuming. It does not help your image to come across as the strong, capable tomcolt you really are.”
“I don't believe this...” Kera turned her neck as far as the neck of her blouse would allow her. “Rainbow?!” She pointed at the Duchess. “Can you believe this?!”
“Hell naw!”
Arcanista sighed. “Miss Dash, you are not helping...”
Ebon Mane asked, “Just what kind of magic can the King... er... Prince soon to be king perform?”
“The House of Evo hasn't been trained in classical magical feats,” Arcanista said. “Not since the family claimed the throne three centuries ago. Dukes and Duchesses—such as Floyd and myself—are traditionally called upon in battle. It would be strategically unsound for the reigning monarch of Val Roa to see action, himself.” She glanced aside at Kera. “Eine won't be expected to do much more than light the torch at his coronation ceremony. So, as expected, no pyrokinesis whatsoever is to be expected from anyone visiting.”
“Ugh!” Kera folded her forelimbs, sulking. “This trip gets lamer and lamer by the minute!”
“Think of it this way.” Rainbow leaned over. “Would you rather be back on the Jury, getting your mane washed and reconditioned by Belle?”
“... ... ... so, when do we cover curtsies and tea time?”
Arcanista smiled while the two maids giggled.
Ebon's “tattooed” face contorted as he read off a sheet of paper in the light of a campfire. “Sala'themurell he'menna'semdel... th-thiulen kr-kr-kraat'zenna threatta, Valr'mulien tr-trenna'demh...”
“No no no no no no...” Kera paced across the dry crunching grass and slapped her tiny hoof over the middle fo the sheet. “Don't read from that! Read from the second part!”
“But...” Ebon Mane leaned back with a frustrated sigh. “I don't get it...!”
The two wagons were parked at a forty-five degree angle to one another, enclosing the campfire where Rainbow, the Duchess, and the two servants sat, eating a humble meal while warming their hooves. Starry night hung over the tranquil little spot in the middle of an enormous field. In the distance, beyond the orange penumbra of the firelight, Floydien and Jake trotted in slow circles, keeping watch on the pitch black horizon and the lone dirt highway cutting from one end of the darklit plain to the other.
“What's not to get?” Kera asked.
“Anything! Everything!” Ebon exhaled heavily. “What am I doing wrong here?”
“You're reading the wrong words.”
“Wrong words?” Ebon blinked. “They're all jibberish to me!”
“Yeah, but the first few lines are my jibberish!” Kera pointed again. “This is Upper Caste Xonan speech! It's for monarchs and kings and queens and the like!”
“Then what am I supposed to say?”
“That!” Kera pointed at the middle-most paragraph. “That's for warriors and politicians and aristocrats!”
“But... isn't it the same language?”
“Yuh huh.”
“So... like... wh-what's the difference?”
“Mmmmm...” Kera's ears twitched as she smoothed out the folds in her dress. “My speech is a lot fancier n'stuff.”
“Fancier?”
“Yeah. It's got—like—a boat load of apostrophes and the letter 'l.'”
“Uhhhm...”
“But don't worry! Yours is cool too! The warrior dialect!” Kera winked. “Lots of hyphens and heavy stresses and stuff! Just pretend you're swinging an invisible sword every time you speak as my royal advisor!”
“Don't you mean 'cudgel?'” Rainbow muttered with a mouthful of oats.
“Stay out of this... uhhhh... 'Equest'mulien trennte!'” Kera stuck her tongue out. “This conversation is for tattoos only!”
“Mrmmmff... good thing I skipped out on that one spring break in Las Pegasus, or else you'd count me in.”
“Whatever.” Kera spun to face Ebon again. “Let's hear it, Ebon! Do your best warrior speech! Rrrrrr! Go go go go!”
“Uhhh...” Ebon cleared his throat and read through the sentence. “'Menthuul renakaan sekuul thriul vemnar threatta sien Kera Xon-Nagu'n...” Ebon accidentally bit his tongue and winced. Seething, he glanced up. “Could you at least tell me what these words mean?!”
Kera shrugged. “I'unno.”
Ebon did a double-take. “Wait... you mean it's real jibberish?”
“Concentrate!” Kera frowned. “Your tattoos...”
The changeling winced. He held his breath, reforming the swirly patterns across his “coat.” “Kera, what's the meaning of this?”
“I never once said I actually spoke pure Xonan.”
“But... but I thought you understood—”
“Sure, when it's written down. And only sometimes.” The filly shrugged. “Speaking, though? Whew boy!” She rolled her eyes with an innocent smile. “That's a whole 'nother story!”
Ebon gulped. “Won't that... uhm... b-be a problem?”
“Pfft. Why's it gotta be a problem?”
“Uhhhh...”
“I just throw together a bunch of words starting with consonants and add 'trentte' and 'dreit' and 'Xon-Nagu'n' at random! So long as you're confident with the bullcrap...” Kera grinned. “Somepony out there's gonna eat it... even after they sniff it!” She winked. “Besides, what do these Val Roan idiots know about the real Xonan anyways?”
A voice cleared.
“My bad, Duchess.”
“Do carry one,” she said in a humored tone.
“So...” Kera cracked the joints in her neck and smirked at the shape-shifter. “You ready to perfect Dyslexia 101 or what?”
Ebon took a deep breath. “...dreit.”
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I see what you did there.
Well, I'm fucked.
i.imgur.com/cYCnTQz.png?1
Ah well. Was fun while it lasted.
Kera better be awesome this chapter.
Oh, that's neat. I was wondering when we'd be seeing more of the Xonan dialects.
Ah. Calculated bullshit.
It can work.
5189916
Wait....
What if.... what if IC has been bullshitting us all along, and none of us knew because we didn't know either?
5189930 ... ... ...
Heh. I have a dear friend who is Puerto Rican, and he can understand Spanish near perfectly... but he can't speak it. Yeah, I have no clue how that works, either.
Thirty wide-arm pushups, since Archer wants to be a little bitch, ):(. Love ya, sweetums. Knock 'em out!
5189912 Yep, you got bumped off the front page. Maybe you should post chapter updates in the morning.
5189941
I can kinda sorta understand Taiwanese, but I can't actually speak it. I think its because I heard enough to sort of make the connections, but I don't use it enough for it to stick.
This plan is seeming more and more shaky the longer it develops.
Bullshitting like a pro, she'd make a wonderfull princess.
5189941
I know a guy who understands Russian perfectly but can't speak it. And he doedoesn't even get how that works
...Okay. Um. Wow. Kera was totally fucking rad this chapter. So was Rainbow Dash, for that matter. These two play way too well off each other.
I like to imagine them as sisters. And Belle's the mom. And both of them are in their rebellious teenager stage. Which is hilarious because Rainbow Dash is a fully grown adult.
This is too much fun.
Also, I find it funny that Kera can know so many specifics about the various Xonan dialects, articulate them really well, and actually have no idea what any of it even means.
5189974 That'll probably bite them in the ass when someone in Val Roa actually understands Xonan and speaks up about their bullshitting (maybe totally-not-Chrysalis will call them out on it?)
Now taking bets on which aspect of the plan will fall apart first? Kera the Xonan 'princess', Ebon the 'adviser', or Rainbow the 'maid'. My bet is on Ebon the 'adviser' not being able to maintain his morph so close to Chrysalis or something...
5189941 I can understand German pretty well but I have a very hard time speaking it.
5189974 Kera was absolutely great in this chapter. Though I think it's more like Belle and Rainbow are sisters, and Rainbow's Kera's asskicking aunt of awesome. (She's AAA, basically.)
And the linguistics is making the geek in me giddy.
On a side note, Swan, your name is forever tainted to me now. :( Swan Song is the name of the NCIS episode where Mike Frank dies. And how some swans only make a noise right before they die.
5189942
I just think it's funny that IC can basically come in and steamroll the front page whenever he feels like it.
Nah. I don't actually care.
tl;dr: MFW Imploding Colon bumps me off the front page:
i.imgur.com/owpDK0U.jpg
5190006 Yeah, I had the same thought, even if I was too busy laughing my ass off to make note of it. I can't think of any other narrative reason why a Xonan doesn't actually know how to speak Xonan. Seems like the pit's ripe for the falling.
5185694 Oh don't even fucking start.
5190019 No. Belle is Rainbow Dash's surrogate mom. Headcanon was accepted long ago. Go away. My interpretation's more fun.
Wouldve been intresting going for the secret and private language forms. The reason the Warrior caste is seperate and different from standard and Royal, is because the People are seperate and different. Therefore Standard is used in court, such as for judgements, but Royal is only used in meeting etc, to make spying that much harder?
So that's how IC made the Xonan language. I have to admit, it worked very well.
5189930
I could totally see him do that.
Wouldn't it we a weird twist of fate if chrysalis was disguised as the actual princess?
Oh my stars, we're on to book six already? But I haven't even had time to start the first one!
I haven't been able to read a story in months... This series is at the top of my list, though. The anticipation is killing me! Or maybe it's the flu. 
Only time will tell.
Inb4 Lasairfon shows up on a diplomatic mission with Prowse's ship and ruins everything. Or has to pretend to be Kera's underling.
mfw Xonan language lessons :D
mfw language lessons are bullshit D:<
Meta xon
I remember there was a time when people tried to decipher the Xonan language and figure out what words meant. I can't help but think this chapter was IC's way of saying, "Lulz."
5190377
You know what? I have a feeling that might just happen.
Once again, I have been buried under this story for weeks before climbing back up. Princess Kera for the win. All she needs to do is look fancy, speak in gibberish that sounds good, not screw up royally, and preach about the glory of Zadubadabu and she'll be fine. Well, I'm off. See you guys in a week or 2 after I get behind on this story again.
5190377 That would be both priceless and not good for the Jury.
5190177
She impersonated her once.
This would be the perfect time to do it again.
Yeah, they're gonna be screwed when some Xonan expat is like "lolwut?"
5190019 Also because I missed it the first time. Yes the metaphor to a swan's dying call is what my name is a reference to. Your finest moment shall be your last. It's meant to be bittersweet. A tragedy. Just like my love life. What's that you say? How can I have a love life if I don't have a life to start with?
Uhhhhhhh
brb rethinking this comment.
I should probably not comment while intoxicated.
Kera is the ultimate in coming up with Bullshit and making it work.
5190006
Yeah, since when Chryssie was Buch Tania Lasairfion, she could speak Xonan, and we know that she's around SOMEWHERE, she could bring the whole plan crashing around their ears quite quickly.
5190595
No love life? The hell, you say?!
As long as I ship you and Zaid(OTP!) you have a love life.
5190078
Is it because you don't approve of Kera's decisions?
Prince confirmed to be deer?
..."firm"?
[philkensebben]HA HA! Running joke![/philkensebben]
5189930
This is ENTIRELY possible...
5190006
My money's on Ebon failing first as well. He's got a shaky grasp on his disguise, he's a changeling (there might be some sort of subtle detection possible there by Chryssy), and Chrysalis has had tabs on Xona for a while. I'm positive she's picked up some of the language and can recognize a proper sentence.
5190019
Mike Franks...*sadface*
5190330
Good luck, sonny Jim!
5189607
For the record, acceptable forms of plane-based Robobait are Flankers.
Aw shit, we got chapters within chapters. You're goin' to deep IC. The dwarves dug too deep and greedily and unleashed the balrog. Don't fall into plot-holes. Or worse, plot-balrogs.
Vista Chino - Sweet Remain
5189930 ...Oh, sonuvabitch.
I really hope noone understands these sick ice burns that Kera is about to drop
5190696
Remember when she was masquerading as Lasairfion? She could do better than recognize a sentence or two, she spoke it fluently.
Which only makes it worse for us. Dammit.
5190696 Not to mention that Kera and Rainbow are both pretty good (and arguably at their best) when things are totally out of control and making stuff up on the fly. That means while they might cause bits (or even major pieces) of 'The Plan' to fall apart, they'd be able to either patch up the broken bit or make those pieces no longer matter (Onto phase 2!). Meanwhile with Ebon, he'll probably do decently at holding up his bit of 'the plan', but once something breaks, whether because of him or someone else, he'd be no good at keeping it together and probably any attempt he does to fix 'The Plan' will probably just make it worse.
Well, any political speech sounds like jibberish anyway, so I think that part will be okay no matter what
This fic keeps getting more and more meta, I think...
5189941 While it isn't obvious at first, I don't actually speak english. While I read and write without much problem (being in a Yugioh! forum for years actually makes one grasp the importance of grammar), I understand the spoken word only to the level of language a cartoon for preschool girls has. I also don't have anyone to speak english with, and I know I would bite my tongue a lot more than when speaking either of my natural languages.
5191981
You aren't missing much. In my opinion, English is a wonderful written language but a lot of its nuance is lost in speech. Due to its extremely complex grammatical structure, it's a very poetic language in writing, but this seems not to show in speech as much as text.
5190015 I can't roll my r's... I can't speak it either.
"plan of the year" - Metacritic
"unbelievable" - IGN
"11/10 would bang anytime" - Pewdiepie
"I now know what to do with the country" - Obama
"all these quotes are legit" - IC
"that last quote was a lie" - me
Surely none of this won't result in something like this.
i.ytimg.com/vi/fFqr01joQGw/mqdefault.jpg
Making up Xonan bullshit, that should be fun later when they get to Val Roa proper
24
Aaaand meta's up to 8 again.
5190377 Or rather her mother.
5190696 "Picked up some of the language?" Not only have we heard her talk fluent First Born, it would be very strange if she managed to impersonate a central social figure for years without being able to speak the local language.
Ah, the glorious return of the Xonan "language," how it has been missed!
I remember when the Xonans were first introduced and someone thought "dreit" was actually an expletive.