Of All Things To Knock Out
“Here it is...” A timid mare held a wadded-up cloth forward in two, trembling hooves. “I... I-I worked on it all n-night!” She immediately bowed as soon as Arcanista took the item. “I can only hope it lives up to your approval, oh Duchess!”
“Hmmmm...” Arcanista leaned back in her plush seat along the far edge of her ornate study. With large-yet-gentle hooves, she unwrapped the cloth, exposing a spiral horn with a distinctively dark burgundy color. “Remarkable,” she said with a smile. “It matches his coat to a T.”
“And if it doesn't,” Josho said, standing beside Eagle Eye and Ebon. “We're all pretty sure he can change the tint of it to match.”
“Old stallion, lay off him, for realsies,” Eagle said. A beat. He glanced curiously at Ebon. “Can... c-can you really do that?”
“Uhm...” Ebon bit his lip. “It doesn't help me at all when I'm blushing.”
“Awwww... you poor thing.”
“Nnnngh...” Josho felt his forehead, teetering. “Ebon, quick, turn green.”
Ebon sighed, rolling his eyes. “Madame...” He stepped forward, approaching the Duchess. “May I?”
“By all means!” She leaned over, holding the horn out. “Try it out.”
“Here.” Josho glowed his horn. “I'll steady it.”
“No, I will!” Eagle exclaimed, likewise summoning a dim light.
“I've got this, princess!”
“Nuts to you! He's my coltfriend!”
“Heh, in that case, you can keep the nuts.”
“Nnnngh...” Ebon growled. “I got it! Thank you.” With a huffing breath, he grasped the faux spear of alicornia and placed it against his forehead.
“Uhm...” Eagle fidgeted. “How are you going to hold it in one pla—?”
“Shhhh...” Ebon clenched his eyes shut. “Concentrating.” He took several breaths. By the fifth inhalation, everyone in the room heard a squishing noise. Eagle and Josho craned their necks to see that the “flesh” along Ebon's brow had thickened slightly, the center of his foread curling around to hold the horn in place. “Hmmmm...” He fluttered his eyes open, glancing at the others. “How's that?”
“Whew...!” Duchess smiled and clapped daintily. “A marvelous trick, Mr. Mane.”
“Not to mention awesome!” Eagle grinned.
“Ugh... speak for yourselves.” Josho held a hoof over his stomach. “For once, I'm glad the cook's leaving us for a spell. I couldn't fill my stomach for a week after seeing that!”
“Oh Josho, get off it,” Eagle groaned.
“I wish I could!”
“It matches your coat perfectly,” Arcanista said. “Now, how about those lines?”
“Already working on it,” Ebon said, his voice a bit tense. After a dull hissing breath, he clenched his teeth and flexed his epidermal muscles. Another squirming sound, and his flesh was covered all over in swirly lines and patterns. “Guh... th-there you go. Yes?”
“Not bad, Sailboat,” Josho said.
“Yeah, Ebon!” Eagle leaned in to nuzzle him. “Hehe! It even matches the way it looked last time!”
Ebon smiled slightly. “It does?”
Eagle blinked. “Erm... well, at least I think so.” He winced a bit. “I-I honestly haven't been able to pay attention the last few times.”
“Ah, well...” Ebon sighed. “Here's hoping the Val Roans at the West Gate and beyond are relatively short-sighted.”
“Compared to Eagle, they're practically blind,” Josho said.
“That may not be too far from the truth,” Arcanista remarked. “But, it's better to be safe than sorry. Keep practicing, Mr. Mane. In the meantime...” She turned towards the peasant mare. “I want to thank you for making such a wonderful rock sculpture at the last second—” She blinked.
“Guh... g-g-guuh... that... duh...” The mare's eyes twitched. She sweated profusely, staring in horror at the metamorph before her.
“Oh dear.” Arcanista bit her lip. “I s-suppose I should have thought about this ahead of time.”
“Hey! It's okay!” Eagle said, waving a hoof at the shivering pony. “He's a good guy! The best guy!”
“But... but h-he just... just...” She pointed at Ebon swirly coat.
The changeling blinked. “Oh! Well... uhm...” He tossed his head forward, popped the horn loose, and held it in an outstretched hoof. “If it freaks you out...” Slspslslsspp! His coat went back to an immaculate burgundy shine. “I can switch right back! See? Ta-daaa!”
“Chuuuuuu...” Eyes rolling back, the mare fell flat on her face.
“Huh...” Josho smirked. “Who'd a thunk one of you to was still a lady-killer?”
“Ohhhhhhh...” Eagle frowned. “Won't you ever lay off?”
“Sure as Hell ain't my job to lay on.”
“You know what I mean!”
The poor dear. Arcanista reached down, caressing the unconscious mare's chin and muzzle. “This is precisely the sort of thing I detest about Val Roa.”
“What's that, Duchess?” Ebon asked.
“Secrecy,” she muttered. “And the consequences of the truth getting out so late.” She sighed. “If it weren't for the sake that I'd compromise the security of everypony and deer in Bountiful...”
“Hey...” Josho shrugged. “All things in moderation, right?”
“Mmmm. Perhaps. Even still.” She sighed. “I've been living in complacency for so long that I fear I'm becoming just like the hypocrites on the High Council.”
“Well, you're doing something about it now, aren't you?” Ebon smiled sweetly. “We all are!”
Arcanista glanced at him. After a few seconds, she smiled. “Hmmmm...” She picked the tiny mare up and motioned for her reindeer guards. “Bring her to one of the bottom story bedrooms. Make sure she's well tended to until she's fully ready to return to her home and carving shop beyond the inner wall.”
“Aye, duchess.”
“And have my clerk come meet with me. I wish to prepare a speech to the villagers of Bountiful. I may not be able to tell them everything, but they at least deserve to understand that an undertaking for the salvation of Val Roa is in effect.”
“Yes, Duchess. Right away, Duchess.”
“You're doing the right thing,” Eagle said. “Not just for your subjects, but for all of us.” He smiled. “I don't know if Rainbow Dash has thanked you yet, but I sure would like you.”
“Yeah,” Josho said, nodding tiredly. “It's really swell.”
“My little ponies.” Arcanista smiled gracefully at them. “If all things go through as planned, then it'll be me thanking you.”
“Heh... then I'll have all the cooks in the world!” Josho said.
“Nnngh...” Eagle Eye face-hoofed. “One track mind, I swear.”
“Yeah, well, be thankful it never jumps yours.”
“Meh.”
“Now, onto the business of Kera and her regal preparations.”
“Shouldn't Rainbow and Bellesmith be here to listen to that?”
“Perhaps so. I'll have them summoned—”
Precisely at that very moment, the door to the study blew down, nearly toppling the reindeer guards carrying the unconscious mare. The thing flew off its hinges, making a dent in the far wall and sending Ebon and Eagle Eye ducking.
“Seriously?!” boomed a deep, deep voice, like bass fiddles being scraped to splinters across the bottom of a deep stone chasm. “I throttle goblin skulls in by the bucketload, and this is the thanks I come back to?! Locked doors?! Where's the Duchess and who in the Hell replaced her?!”
“Jeebus!” Josho wheezed, scrambling on all fours. “Who or what is that?!”
“I-I think I just ruined a noble rug!” Eagle Eye whimpered.
“Constable!” Arcanista called out while Ebon clung to her legs, trembling. “A little less of your rambunctious side, please, we have guests!” She gestured. “The Noble Jury!”
“The Noble Who?!” One large brown hoof slammed into the room after another. Thud! Thud! Th-Thud! “You mean those arse-faced bushwhackers creeping up on my winning streak all across the kingdom?! I've got a bone or two to mangle with them!”
“Old stallion—!” Eagle squeaked, overwhelmed by a hulking shadow.
“It's after the Duchess!” Josho growled, levitating the nearest ceramic lamp. “Hop to!”
“R-right!” Eagle levitated a table like a shield and started charging. “Yaaaaah!”
“Ha HA!” The tall, tall figure grinned, antlers swaying. “Look at the little popcorn farts! Come to hump papa?!”
“Have at you!” Eagle swung the table. It smashed into bits, but the large brown hoof he struck didn't budge. “Awww poop.” THUD! The hoof lifted up, only to come down over his violet tail, pinning him in place. “Ah! No! Nononononono I-I just brushed this morning!”
“Buttmunch!” Josho charged, jumped, and then—FL-FLASH!—materialized above him, swinging the lamp down at full force. “Chew on—”
WHUDDD! A giant, giant hoof shoved him up against the nearest wall, nearly puncturing a tapestry. Leering, a gigantic moose with a scarred face snarled into the obese stallion's muzzle. “I'm sorry, is this the kitchen all of the sudden?! Cuz it looks like I've just come to chew your friggin' hearts out!”
“Who...” Josho wheezed, struggling. “Or what are you?!”
“The name's Jake, asshole!”
Josho opened his mouth, blinked, fidgeted, then opened his mouth once again. “Who in the Hell names a Moose—?”
“Asshole!”
“Constable, please,” Arcanista said in a firm tone. “Some civility would be keen.”
“Hmmm? What?” The enormous moose glanced down, blinking. Instantly his scarred face produced the dumbest of grins. “Why, milady!” He dropped Josho (Thud!) and stepped over Eagle Eye. “What an exquisite pleasure to once again be blessed by your beautiful presence.”
“The feeling is mutual, Constable,” Arcanista said as she held her hoof out over a trembling Ebon. “Though the delivery leaves something to be desired.”
“Why, whatever do you mean, Madame?” He gave her hoof a slobbery kiss and leaned his head back, upsetting a crystal chandelier with his gigantic antlers. “I've killed lots and lots and lots of sniveling goblins for you, Arcanista!”
“Of that, I... h-have not doubt, Constable.”
“Everytime I eviscerated them...” His beady eyes sparkled. “...I told myself 'Oh, how I wish the Duchess was here to bless this moment with her daintiness.'” A deep breath. “And then the screaming returned.” He grinned, twitching once or twice. “Have I mentioned it's nice to be back?”
“And I welcome you. Now, if you would be so kind to return the same gesture to these ponies whom you nearly gave concussions to.”
“Who?! Pffft!” Jake shoved Josho and Eagle Eye aside with a lazy backhoof. “These cracked-shell-hermit-crabs? Ponies with such small pinchers couldn't possibly be from the Noble Jury! Please, let me sit on these sissies and turn them to sissy jelly so I can lube up my mortar canon!”
“Gnngh...” Josho stood up, rubbing his aching head. “Hey...” He turned towards Eagle, wheezing. “Remember when all we met in our travels were hot, horny bird ponies?” He groaned. “I miss those days...”
“Constable, please.” Arcanista sighed. “I'll forever appreciate you for your candid attitude and toughness.” Her eyes were firm. “But this situation calls for some restraint, as does the mission that I'm employing you for.”
“Pffft! Some pretty pink princess road trip?” He rolled his eyes, tugging at the chandelier with his antlers until the crystal array snapped completely loose from the ceiling. “Where's the fun in that?! The explosions?!”
“We'll be heading through the West Gate.”
“Ooooh!” He jumped in place once, shaking the entire manor. A cabinet fell over, its contents shattering in the corner. “The West Gate, huh?! Val Roa Proper?!” He grinned wide. “So there will be explosions!”
“Quite the opposite, Jake,” Arcanista said with a light smile. “I've hired you because you're the one soul in Bountiful who knows enough about explosions to avoid them.”
“Awwwwwww... don't tell me this is some stealth moose shit!” He frowned. “I much prefer punching moose shit!”
“I'm afraid we must be delicate about this, Constable,” she said. “Especially if we're to enter Val Roa without incident.”
“Just tell me one thing, Duchy Baby.” Jake tilted his head at an angle, inadvertently peeling some of the wallpaper loose with his right antler. “What's brought this about? You haven't even approached the West Gate in years.”
Duchess Arcanista took a deep breath. “It's the Duke, Jake,” she said. “These ponies—the Noble Jury—have brought him back to me. And now I am helping them bring salvation to all of Val Roa.” She grinned. “Everyone wins.”
“Wait...” Jake's beady eyes turned even beadier. “You mean... Floyd is back? The old Floyd Toy?”
“Indeed.”
The moose grinned wide. “Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?! Hah hah hah!” He stomped another hoof, making the manor shake again. “Just where is the ol' bastard?! Hah hah!” He snarled. “I wanna kill him.” He grinned wide on a dime. “And then I wanna hug him!” Fiery eyes. “And then kill him again...”
The timid mare came to in the arms of the reindeer guard. She blinked repeatedly, took one loose at the towering moose, then fainted again.
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Awww, Eagle just turned into Sonata Dusk. This makes him twenty times cuter now.
5149754
HE'S YOU.
5151860 just got miladied.
Also, I totally ship it.
So do I, Josho... so do I.
Poor Girl. She got a faceful of creepy mighty morphing Ebon, then another faceful of Jake the Giant Moose Guy.
Ahh crap...Run Floydian.
I am chewing on my mustache over here. This guy is like three disasters waiting to happen plus one in progress
Hoots Mon.
Yep...this won't end well. Not at all.
Well, he's certainly quite the character.
I do this more often than I'd care to admit.
FUCK YEAH A GOOD PERSON OTHER THAN THE PRINCESSES SAID IT
IT WAS CREEPY AS SHIT WHEN SHELL DID IT
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0dc7en1x51r0pbtro1_500.gif
I predicted this. I foresaw this.
5152915
Oh god please don't make Jake a neckbeard-fedora guy.
This guy sounds like an average gamer.
“...I told myself 'Oh, how I wish the Duchess was here to bless this moment with her daintiness.'” A deep breath. “And then the screaming returned.”
This Jake. I like this Jake. He's insane. We seem to like that.
Then Josho. Loooove Josho.
5153000 Josho was absolutely and completely and utterly THE BEST in this chapter.
I think he and Constable Jake will get along SWIMMINGLY. And if they don't, well, that's fine too.
I think I like Jake.
5153053
He's one step short of being an army guy.
I was wondering when Jake the Army guy would be mentioned.
5153131
He was Tweak, though.
I think? I thought Tweak was inspired by him. I distinctly remember some knocking-outs from him.
5153133
What do you mean? Did he change his name or something since then?
5153137
No, it's always been that, it was just inspiration, like Midnite Bastion is derivative of RoboRed and AppleTank had changeling!Elma/Lerris
5149754
YOU IS SPAH!!!!1!!!111!
please don't knock me out
5153128
I'm pretty sure captain of the guard counts as an army guy.
I like this new guy. He enjoys smashing and things that will lead to further smashing.
...
.
.
What? You were expecting something?
Well, expect fifty pushups, ):(. Love you, too. Knock 'em out!
5153262 Thats awesome. How does it feel to be part of the story now?
Figures. The correct a-word is used, and Rainbow Dash isn't even in the room.
Welcome to the club! At least you know what you are.
Well I'm a lazy bum who hasn't commented in weeks.
I like Jake. He was awesome enough to pull me out of my not-commenting strain.
Oh YES.
The goblins think they are tough cos they got Tanks?
Well, We just got a BOLO.
I wonder if those gigantic dish shaped antlers of his allow him to use a spanning energy blast? As in something that looks similar to Twilights Tirek remover?
How are we going to get in, the walls impenatrable and the door is shielded against everything we have. Well, the city is built up against a mountain, so why dont we go through that instead.
5153537
I read that as ebola.
38.media.tumblr.com/075826068dbb8f5df9865ad10b943bdf/tumblr_ndmbdnuEGE1tmkhwgo1_500.jpg
He's like.... Kera and Roarke were merged into a single person,then given all the strength of an adult dragon.
I bet he could tear down Val Roa single hoofedly.
....he's awesome!
Oh boy Jake finally joins the fun.
Also I hate to say it but there is something about Arcanista that is really making me think she is Chrysalis now. I don't really know what it is but something is making me think that. Perhaps its just that we have yet to formally meet the other suspects.
Okay, I think we can rule out the possibility of this guy being Chrysalis. Unless Chrysalis is just a really, really good actress. If there's one thing this series needs, it's a big-ass moose that annihilates everything in its path.
Speaking of which, anyone else remember the days of Innavedr, when we didn't know what Floydien looked like and him being a moose was one of the prevailing theories? Dunno if throwback nod, but it's awesome, regardless.
Also, that poor mare. This world needs neuralyzers.
5153262
I'm so proud... He even acts like you!
5153701 I was going to suggest someone along the lines of:
Take Basso.
Make him huge.
Now moar huge.
Give him the don't-give-no-cares of Steelteeth.
With a pinch of passion/fury of Sam Rose.
5153262
Or you know... someone that can slap the recruits into next Tuesday.
5153323 You mean again. He was Tweak waaaaay back when.
This sums up just about every comment on Background Pony chapter 20
5153262
Unrelatedly, I need to exercise my core muscles. How should I do it?
This is the best thing.
5153726
This. This right here. For whatever reason, I can't but read her use of that phrase as a sliver of Chryssi slipping through an otherwise excellent disguise. Creeped me right out.
I guess we shall see. 
5154435
Yeah that is basically what did it for me as well. Its just the phrasing on some of the things she says, like that sentence.
5154122 Ah, good, I'm not the only one that thought of Basso as soon as he entered.
Only difference is, Basso was unaware he could destroy the world with his hoof. Jake the Moose Guy seems like he's all too aware what he can do.
5154435
5154439
The grin and the "Everyone wins," bit at the end was pretty creepy, too. The general nonchalance about everything in this scene. Several things in the last couple chapters that I can't possibly be expected to go back and pick out.
I put this theory forth on the Skype a while back. Right now, everyone adores the duchess of Sehlp. If she were Chrysalis, she'd be pulling in quite a bit of personal power at the moment. Maybe even enough to manipulate events without having to set a hoof in Val Roa proper, by one means or another. . .
What do you suppose are the odds that all three of the "suspects" are working with Chrysalis by choice, for some promised gain? She's played the Orient Express gambit before in Ledomare, and even without drones to command I wouldn't risk underestimating her direct powers of persuasion and manipulation.
. . . Kinky.
Overkill?
...
...
Overkill doesn't EVEN. FUCKING. DESCRIBE JAKE!
'Bout time Ebon got a title
Best part about this is how the regular commentors are gradually put in to the story making reading the comments WAY more interesting.
5154477
No, but that's bullshit, unless she actually believes she's the pony she impersonates(which I'm fairly sure she doesn't). Chrysalis wouldn't ever bother pay attention to such inconsequential details such as Simon, dismissing them as unimportant, whereas Arcanista obviously cared about the critter. We also know that she was Lasairfion until about 230 chapters ago, so she couldn't be impersonating both of them at once.
It would be a major ass-pull if IC was to make Chrysalis Arcanista, like, way bigger than anything he's done before. To be honest, it would bother me, a lot.
Chrysalis wants power. Instead of controlling Lasairfion, she could have assumed the position of, say, a vizier or counselor, and stayed much safer. Many Xonans were beginning to mistrust Lasairfion, but Chrysalis wanted the power to herself and didn't care. Likewise here, Arcanista is not a powerful Duchess. I find it very hard to believe, based on past characterization of both Chrysalis and Arcanista, that Chrysalis is impersonating her.
5153613
I was going to put this here as an image, but unfortunately, Bolos are Large.
So, heres a link instead.
Jake the Bolo ?
5154473 Considering we've seen giraffes and now this moose, how long might it be until we see a few other pachyderms...
5153262 CONGRATULATIONS.
Now prepare for your character either to join the Jury, or die heroically in the Battle of Val Roa.
5155036 It makes being a commentator more interesting!
5155206
Arcanista is the dark horse(moose?) of the "Who is Chyrissy?" game. So far, my biggest bet is either myse.... Er, I-I mean Jake, or the general in Val Roa.