• Published 27th Aug 2014
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Kildeez and Sifty's Shameless Self-Insert Adventures in Equestria! - kildeez



Kildeez: mid-twenties, love of ponies, and with enough issues to write a book on. Sifty: former brony, makes Kildeez look like a picture of mental stability. Drop them in Equestria, sure, why the hell not?

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Entry III: Back in Action! By Sifty

I traversed the wastes slowly.

My care for these ponies was no longer friendly- there was no longer any love. It was professional, nothing more. Though most had forgotten me due to my inactivity, my role as Champion was inscribed in the memories, and as long as I lived, I was bound to answer it's call. This was my job, and with the Commander's blessing, I would get it done. Hell, if I finish this job within a year, barely two weeks will have passed back in Thedas- I won't miss a damn thing.

As my care was no longer very urgent, I favored tactical ability ADDED to my combative ability. If I rushed to get to Canterlot, I would likely die quickly. There were many kinds of creatures roaming the land, and a Blight seemed to have started near the Cursed Salt Plains, and led by several Disciples, no doubt. No Archdemon could be in The Known World without alerting the Wardens. Canterlot was in the mountains; it could be seen easily from hundreds of miles away. I was at least two hundred miles away, give or take, in the Broken Leylands.

The blightclouds were stretching towards the east, towards Canterlot, from what I could see atop my hillside hike. No matter my speed, I was confident that I would be able to arrive in Canterlot and mobilize some sort of defensive position before the Blight arrived there- Darkspawn took great joy in ravaging smaller villages. While I would like to save them, I am but a single unit- Grey Warden though I am, facing the very brunt of a Blight, alone, is suicide by anybody's standards. Facing it with an entire army can prove futile. My benefit upon reaching Canterlot is twofold- Being a Grey Warden, I could sense the Darkspawn coming and know exactly when to spring ambushes, or when to unleash the full force of my mobilization.

Several thunderous blasts greeted my arrival as I crossed over the top of a hill on the barren, burnt waste that I have been traversing. I caught movement far in front of me. Single target, beating back several others. From the blasts, I assumed the target that was backing up was using a shotgun. Pump action, it looked. And they looked to be having trouble. An ally could be handy in this situation; whether they were useful, or just fodder.

Raising my shield in a manner fit for charging, I unsheathed my sabre machete and reared it back, then began my assault. As I neared, I noticed that the creature this man was fighting were Death Adders. Haven't seen those nasty buggers in a while. Seemed that the guy was out of ammo- and, fearful for his life, was fumbling with the shells, making it difficult to reload.

As one of the Adders raised back it's blade to end the poor fool, I let out a war cry and smashed my shield hard into the Adder's side, crushing it's fragile ribcage and killing it. Standing in front of the man- a goatee-bearing adult with thinning, dark hair- I took a "juggernaut" stance, raising my shield to protect most of my body and lowering my center of gravity. Head peering over my portable bulwark, my sword glaring off the bare desert sunlight, I must have looked a sight.

Death Adders- they were mostly cowards. They would flee a fight if a target was intimidating enough. However, I didn't seem to be so.

The first Adder charged forward, raising it's blades and hissing. As it approached, I launched forward, bashing it in the lower body with my shield. Sliding the shield up and over, I skinned the Adder's stomach with the rough, sword-beaten edge of my shield, which hurt the bastard- but not as much as the follow up sword-skewer through it's abdomen.

The Adder fell dead, but not before it's brother slipped forward and- in a move completely unobserved in these beasts- managed to twist it's blades around and under my shield arm, tearing away my weapon. Still, it was holding my shield- which meant it lacked the ability to properly defend itself. So, as it reveled in it's five-second victory, I span clockwise and brought my blade around, hacking off the Adder's head.

Turning to the final Adder, it and I squared off. In a final act, I slid my hand along my blade, wiping off the blood. Looking the Adder square in the "face," I brought my bloodied hand to my face and smeared it's brother's blood across the bridge of my nose and a little further along my cheek. Glaring at it, the plastic of my sword hilt creaking as I tightened my hand, I let out a war cry.

Giving one final hiss, the Adder slithered off.

Scoffing, I sheathed my blade and picked my shield up. Turning back to the gentleman I had saved, I noticed something a little off- his eyes seemed to glow a harsh green when he faced away from the light. He turned to me and gave a warm smile.

"Thanks for the save. Those damn Adders are a pain in the ass in my homeland."

I said nothing. It was not the Wardens who turned me into what I was now- it was the five months of isolation making me realize that, at heart, I'm still a rock.

"Silent type, eh? Can I at least know my savior's name?"

"My name matters not. I am a Grey Warden. Refer to me as such. You are?"

"Grey Warden?"

"I won't explain." I snarled.

"Wow, bit of a dick, ain't we... Whatever. My name's Kildeez. K to my friends. There are reason for you saving my ass?"

"Always nice to have a new ally. What are you doing in the Leylands?"

"I was sent as an ambassador for the Ch- Wait... You don't have anything against Changelings, do you?"

"Used to. When my job was just protecting magical talking horses, I killed everything that was a threat to them. Changelings were just another number. Ambassador for the Changelings. Go on."

"R-right. I was sent to Canterlot, but then these portals started opening up, and I had to bail out. Used up all my energy to get away, and could barely last much longer here. My shotgun isn't exactly the best toy, since I had to scrap the damn thing together. Changelings don't exactly have gunpowder."

"You build that? Impressive." I replied, lowering my guard somewhat. This gent seemed an alright sort- but something was still off. What in Andraste's dimpled ass was this guy doing with the Changelings? Unless... That glow...

"...I'm just going out on a limb, here. Are you a Changeling?" I accused.

"What? No! Well, not completely- look- I'm not currently changed, okay? This is me. Au-natural me. I'm- Agh... The story is a little odd. I'd rather not tell it. I'm half-changeling."

"...Not bad."

This "Kildeez" and I talked for a while longer. It was around fifteen minutes before I snapped back into my old self and told him of what my mission was. Considering we were on the same path, and going for the same objective, it would be in the black for both of us to travel together. He had a large amount of shells on a belt around his waist, so he could provide me some ranged support- and, if I gathered his story correctly, he can shapeshift. Always nice to have a giant spider or a Griffon along. For that matter...

"No, Warden." Kildeez groaned, "I am not going to change into a mountable Griffon for you."

"Dammit!"

Author's Note:

Finally, we reach the most important part: me!

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