There is a bar in Ponyville run by Berry Punch that the locals love to go to. Some come to hang out while others come to forget their sorrows. There is a small flat-top piano in the corner of the bar. Every night at nine, a pony sits at that piano and plays until the bar closes. These are the audio logs of that pony, Staccato Diva.
Edited by: Happy Jackal and the great guys over at SALT (A pony fic reviewing crew)
Cover art by: my good friend Kelly.
Page generated in 0.106 seconds
Total duration
643 users online
988,908 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Time Waits For No One - Black Label Society
An Elton John reimagining is something I haven't seen yet.
Wow, very nice beginning!
Kept humming Billy Joel's "Piano Man" the whole time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=se9rfWucgeY
*Sees Description*
...
Thinks It's Nine O'Clock on a Saturday...
Starts Reading. I hope it's good!
463869 This song is awesome!
464254 Thanks man! Yeah, I'm hoping to apply a song to each of my chapters
464556 Hope you enjoyed it!
♪♫
And Mayor Mare is practicing politics
As Filthy Rich slowy gets stoned...
Yes, they're sharing cider they call loneliness!
But it's better than drinking alone
Sing us a song, you're the piano colt!
Sing us a song, tonight
Berry Punch's in the mood for a melody
And you got us feeling alright!
♫♪
Yeah, I don't know either.
I don't really write songs. Anyway, interesting read! Sort of laid back, and it leaves you feeling kind of close to the main character. First-person present tense is a tricky style, but you handle it rather nicely.
467365 Haha, that song is awesome, whatchu talkin' 'bout?!
Thanks again Dan!
i liked this a lot. hope to see more.
Out of "read later" and into favs.
I'm not sure why, but I like these kinds of stories. Maybe it's the thought of drunk ponies cuz that'd be funny right? Maybe it's the thought of ponies chillin, relaxin and having a good time. Eh, whatever it is BB, I can't wait for more.
471371 Thanks dude! Yeah, it's real casual. Don't forget to gimme da thumbs up if you think it deserves it
469296 Thanks bro!
471388
The problem has been rectified.
465481
Excellent.
Good style man. I like my drinking with a calm tone and some piano
(doesn't even drink) Point is great toning and immersion.
Awww nuuu why u cancel?!
507403 Sorry man... I just lost it... I got discouraged.
507985 Aww damn, but it was such a cool concept!
You didn't have any notes of ideas of how to continue it?
Or at least re-write it somewhat to give it the closure of a one-shot
508012 Oh, yeah it was gonna be way longer. I had it all planned... but then the EqD guys said it sucked hard nuts and I lost all motivation.
508016 Pffft, heck with them!
If anything, the concept is kick ass! (they probably don't appreciate Billy Joel music)
Like I said I would, you get a nice review to help you keep this going. If you haven't yet, please read my comment on your blog post "Rejections and Repercussions."
Okay, so I'm going to do this as I read, so it's going to follow a sort of "stream of consciousnesses" style. Also, it's going to be long as hell.
The first thing I notice is formatting. When you have multiple paragraphs of dialogue, you don't need to put ending quotation marks until the final paragraph. However, if the whole story is going to follow this sort of "audio log" format, I don't think the quotations are necessary at all. That little bit at the beginning is enough to tell it is a character speaking, though it really just reads like a first-person story, so that's not even that important.
Also, I don't suggest keeping the starred *action descriptions.* So far, everything you describe between the asterisks like that can already be assumed by the pacing of the dialogue; it just makes it look like a youtube comment or something.
" 'Nah, fame should be the last thing on my mind.'"
Your indenting here is a little broken. Get rid of one tab, or better yet, press the "outdent all paragraphs" button and then the "indent all paragraphs" button to get the right indentation. If the indentation is to demonstrate a long pause, use an ellipsis (...)
“When I had gotten all the ponies out, it got really quiet. Quiet enough for me to hear a whisper behind the bar. It was Pinchy trying to get her mom awake. When I came over, Ruby Pinch let out the cutest squeak of surprise. She kept apologizing to me, saying, ‘I’m so sorry about my mom. She usually doesn’t get this drunk!’ I just laughed and said, ‘Well, it IS her bar. She can drink as much as she wants here.’ Pinchy didn’t laugh and gave me a stern look. ‘This is no laughing matter,’ she said, ‘She has a serious problem.’ I didn’t know what to do, ‘cause Ruby Pinch never scolded me, so I just muttered, ‘I can help you carry her home if you want.’ She nodded so I picked Berry up and followed her out the door.”
This is an excellent example of why the whole story does not need quotes. In a normal third person story, there would be a paragraph between each character's speaking. Even though it isn't technically wrong the way you did it, I would still break up the dialogue either way.
Also, Ruby's dialogue here is a little fake sounding. Not so much the context, as much as the fact that I've never heard anyone say "this is no laughing matter" in real life.
It took a few checks for me to understand that Berry Punch was Ruby Pinch's mother. You can tell this to the reader earlier, though my suggestion is to just to match their last names (i.e. Ruby Punch). I know the show doesn't follow this logic when it comes to names, but it's important your reader understands what's going on.
At that point, I really didn’t know what to say… since she kinda yelled at me in the bar. She’s acting like I don’t care about Berry or anything, but she’s wrong! Berry Punch is as much a mother to me as she is to her!”
“…Wow… I can’t believe I just said that… I mean, Berry… Berry raised me since I was six. A-and I spend way more time with her than Pinchy does! We’ve been working together at the bar forever! Ruby Pinch just… I bet she thinks I’m just as immature as her mom. When did she become so bossy? What happened to the happy-go-lucky Pinchy I grew up with…?”
Especially in contrast to the rest of the story, this is a sneaky example of "telling, not showing." I know what the narrator feels because of the way he's speaking, but I don't feel the same way myself. When someone unexpectedly raises their voice with me, I feel like shit, and I'm pretty sensitive to this stuff, so I know what I'm talking about here. I suggest drawing out how he feels about Ruby a little more, or giving the reader insight to her usual behavior earlier on, so her outburst seems more contrasting.
Also, I know this is where you are explaining the relationship of the narrator to the characters, and while it feels real, it's too late and just gets confusing. At least give us a vague notion of the ways the narrator is related to the main characters before this point, so your reader doesn't go back to figure out what they missed.
"Even though no one was around, the presents I got from all those older mares really made me embarrassed for some reason"
Nopony.
“Uhh… ‘Hey there bro. We got you this hat so you could look like a boss while you play the piano. With this, you will have no trouble getting the ladies. Mares love classy guys in hats.’ Those guys are so awesome.”
This is okay, but most people write differently than they speak (or else you wouldn't understand half of this review). I think this mostly works, but I don't think they would say "hey there bro" in writing. These seem like the types who would more likely write as little as possible, so if you just kept "Now you can look like a boss on the piano. Mares love guys in classy hats," I'd find that more believable. Admittedly, this is something that won't bother most readers.
"It’s old and kinda out of tune, but it’s my baby and it still sings when I ask it."
Love. This.
"‘cause diaries are for girls, and I ain’t no girl!"
His dialect here is different than the narration of the entire story. It may seem small, but it doesn't fit.
"and knew that my special talent was finding gems.’”
Try "and knew that my special talent was... finding... gems." When I read this, I could imagine his voice trailing off as he realized what he was reading, I think you should place that directly into the writing (I know you already kind of did).
Also with this whole little bit with Ruby's letter, you have to decide if it's going to read phoneticallly or not. I personally think it should be, the stuttering and pauses help strengthen the mood, but I don't think he would read the exclamation points as such (you rarely read excitement out loud).
Overall, I really liked it. This style is something I don't really go for, but it felt earnest; it felt real, and that made me want to keep reading.
You need to get rid of the *action descriptions,* they make the whole story look less professional. It would be better to just include third-person narration describing his actions; though I feel this story really leans towards a first-person narrator the whole way through.
Get rid of the quotation marks encompassing the whole story too: they mess with the formatting way too much. At the very least, put everything in italics, though I think this could stand as is. Either that, or change the formatting to that of a normal first-person story and just keep it in the quotes to separate the audio log from the character's thoughts (i.e. the descriptions of what he's doing).
Also, it needs to go somewhere sooner. I don't like saying this knowing how the chapter ends, but the reality is your reader (or more importantly, EQD's pre-readers) will not want to keep reading if there isn't a exactly a story. As great as your characters are, the reader is going to want to know why they're looking at this particular event.
Like I said, I really liked it; I sure hope you haven't used all of your strikes with EQD.
In fact, if you make the changes I put up here, I may be willing to help you push getting this featured there via group persuasion, regardless of whether or not you used up your strikes. My voice may not have much weight, but I'll do what I can!
528034 Thanks for all the tips! A lot of that stuff is true, and I need to work on that (Especially the *action script* thing) but some of it are style flaws. I just wrote it the way I talked... so it make come off weird, 'cause I talk weird. I'm goofy and all over the place. Of course, you don't know me, so that probably doesn't justify it. But it's fine.
I've decided to scrap this story. I've decided to write one shots, because I'm not very good at the commitment type deal with chapter stories. I will take your advice in future endeavors though. This was just an experiment, after all.
Thanks so much, and I plan on looking at your stuff as soon as I can.
529563
Scrap it? This would bother me more, but I personally think the end was pretty good, so at least change the "cancelled" tag to complete.
Though, I think this seems like a good creative outlet, and you should keep going with it. I suggest, rather than pushing through a epic storyline, just continue this story in a casual manner. I imagine the style of writing is not particularly nitpicky, and probably even therapeutic, so just add a chapter here and there when ideas come to mind. The best thing about this story is you don't have to spend time articulating your thoughts, just write it as you go along and it should sound natural (though you should give it an edit afterwards).
Obviously, it's your story, so you should do what you want with it, but I can see that a lot of your readers want it to continue, and I know I would as well.
Edit: After I left my review, a thought occured to me. You shouldn't forget your friend the linked text, especially in a story about music; it can really help keep the reader "in tune" with the story.
529663 Haha, the link was one of the things the pre-readers didn't like about my story
Alright. I'll just put a Hiatus tag on it and do what ya said 
It was pretty fun to write.
467365
♪♫
It's nine o clock on a Saturday
Regular crowd's trotting in
And a stallion's sitting next to me
Making love to his cider and gin
He says, "Son can you play me a memory?
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet
and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger colt's clothes"
Sing us a song, your'e the piano colt
Sing us a song tonight
'Cause we're all in the mood for a melody
And you got us feeling alright!
Donut Joe at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a snack, and he's got your back
But there's some place that he'd rather be
He says, "Man I believe this is killing me!"
As the smile ran away from his face
"And I'm sure that I'd be big in Canterlot
If I could get out of this place"
Filthy Rich is a real estate mogul
Who never had time for a life
But he's still got his filly, who's never been silly
And probably never will in her life
And Sparkler's practicing politics
While a business man slowly get's stoned
And they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But that's friendship in a way of it's own
Sing us a song, your'e the piano colt
Sing us a song tonight
'Cause we're all in the mood for a melody
And you got us feeling alright!
It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
As ol' Berry Punch gives me a smile
Cause' she knows that it's me
They've been coming to see
To forget about life for a while
And the piano sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells kind of queer
And they sit at the bar, and put cake in my jar
And say, "Man, what are you doing here?"
Sing us a song, your'e the piano colt
Sing us a song tonight
'Cause we're all in the mood for a melody
And you got us feeling alright!
♫♪
Meh, just kind of felt like writing that.