Just a creative brony who has a lot of ideas and likes to write some of them out.
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Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom find themselves a way to tell the most amazing story ever. But when they actually get to telling the story, things happen and it does not quite go as planned.
Just something I had in my head that i had to get out
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Hmm...
Writing a good nonsensical story is harder than it seems. This is because you need to keep the reader's attention and that requires a plot of some sort, which nonsense isn't really conductive to.
So, first, do you have a proofreader? there are some typos and at least one awkward tense change mid-paragraph.
Also, the narration is confusing. Which is kind of the point of the story, but at some point it is hard to tell whether it is you talking or Pinkie.
FInally, there was one human, but enough headsets for the CMC. Is there any explanation?
5397973 I do not have a proofreader as of yet. A friend is supposed to read it for me, but he has not gotten around to it yet.
As for the narration, it was kind of a challenge for me to write it out and i was sure someone was going to get confused. i did my best to make as simple, yet fun and understandable as possible. Also, Pinkie really doesn't say much outside of her story.
Lastly, about the one human multiple headsets. The booth area comes with spare headsets already inside. Just in case one of the headsets is broken, damaged or otherwise inopperable
5397994
As far as "confusing" goes, the only problem seems to be the first chapter (then again, it IS a problem, as the first chapter is what sells the story to potential readers)
Ok. I'm currently writing my own stuff, but I'll try to look at the rest of your story once I run out of inspiration for tonight. Do you think you could look at mine in return? (my newest story, the only one without comments so far).
5398912 Ok then. Thanks for the feedback. Ill read through it again and see what changes can be made. In all honesty a good portion of this story was written in the late of the night, or the early morning depending on how you look at things. And as for looking at your story, i do not normally read the dark gore stuff, but i might take a look at anyway.
Ok then... continuing from before.
1 You do need a proofreader. Everybody does. It is because your brain tends to read what you know is supposed to be in the text - so it is that much harder to find your own mistakes (in this chapter, there are some minor typos and odd tense uses, but more importantly, one sentence mistakes the characters - when they talk about Mac's injury, Applebloom talks to Applebloom. I'm sure it was supposed to be Applejack)
Try finding another author who needs a proofreader and make some arrangement with him so you two proofread each other's work.
2 I see you've noticed the problem of too developed vocabulary and tried to remedy it by having Scootaloo stumble upon one word. You're going in the right direction, but need to do a bit more: the girls sound ok when they're talking among themselves, but still a bit too eloquent when narrating.
3 Try to use more contractions when writing speech. We use them all the time when we speak.
4 Finally, while not all the jokes worked (they never do) this chapter finally made me laugh. This is a great relief, as I feared it might not and then it would have been an awful review.
I think I've skimmed the Trixie story
Also, work some more on your Zecora. I know how hard it is. "A Day at the Quest Hub" contains two scenes with her and I don't think I'll write another rhyming zebra anytime soon.
Also, unlike Lyra in chapter 2, who was out of the blue, but at the same time totally expected, the vocabulary joke was random in a good way. (plus it addressed a story issue I mentioned in my previous comment, so a point for being witty
)
Rhyming Zecora only half the time is a suboptimal solution - but the rhymes you do make are getting less painful (why isn't there a Zecora emote in the menu?)