• Member Since 20th Nov, 2013
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Foals Errand


Guess whose back?!

T
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How can this be true? When the sun was later in rising than it should have been, Princess Luna became concerned for her older sister. No pony had seen her since Princess Cadance and Shining Armor's reception had ended late the night before. However when Luna went to urge the moon down hoping to nudge Celestia into completing the cycle, her magic brushed against an aura she had hoped and prayed to never glimpse again.

Had her inability to protect the ponies she cares so deeply for, driven Princess Celestia to do... The unthinkable?

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 172 )

I don't know, has it?

Foals, this construction in the description looks odd:

However when Luna went to urge the moon down hoping to nudge Celestia into completing the cycle. Her magic brushed against an aura she had hoped and prayed to never glimpse again.

I think that's supposed to be a comma, not a period.

Here's to hoping this cliffhanger won't be a month long considering your err... track record Mr. Newell dear author.

“You will not keep me from any of my family ever again,

Nightmare. This, I swear!”

There is a line break in the middle of this dialogue. Otherwise, I didn't see anything else.

Strong start, I like it. It feels...lean to me. There's nothing wasted, it's trim and all that remains is the good stuff. I appreciate that, but I hope it opens up more in future chapters. The idea of Celestia having her own Nightmare is nothing new, but you don't see her getting taken over by NMM much. That surprised me.

I'm interested in seeing where this goes.

Did celestia not hear the curse or did she forget already

whoa, this is awesome :D
sorry if I've been slow on the pre-reading ^^' You send me an individual chapter link I'll try to do better now that I'm invested

This better get updated... OR ELSE!

6644327
Editor says they'll have the chap ready to be put up Monday or Tuesday. I have 20k written so far so no worries!

That sure escalated quickly. Going to be interesting to see where this goes. Wonder if they might do a Changling and wear an illusion to buy time while they think up what to do.

... I'm liking tia's new look.

Hm... this can go one of two ways. She gets shunned because she looks different, and eventually it builds from resentment, to anger, to hatred. But perhaps maybe not to the insane amounts that led to Nighttime Eternal. everyone's already set in wandering around during the day, and have nothing to fear.

Or, there's something NMM didn't say, and might have shaved off some of Celestia's inhibitions, or perhaps didn't do anything at all! All she said was "You are to wear my form." And if anything, this just means that Celestia might have to seek out the changelings, or perhaps enchantments to hide her ... uh... spoopyness. Either way, I guess that Equestria just has to deal with a taller, leaner, scarier looking Celestia. Hah, if anything she can out-fang a dragon!

Nice! gonna track it~

Following this one to see where it goes.

Aside from a few run-on sentences, this was awesome! Can't wait for more!

Oh... this isn't gonna end well. Okay, it might, but it's gonna be a long slog.

Faved and tracking.

glass door leading into her room with a small sure of magic.

I think you meant 'surge of magic' here.

“You will not keep me from any of my family ever again,
Nightmare. This, I swear!”

Is the newline here intentional?

Luna savored a final bite of cake sometimes being the only pony used to being up at night was a good thing.

I think you need a comma between 'cake' and 'sometimes'.

Her ear flicked as she felt the normal buzz of her sleepy moon and smiled “I agree. It’s time for a bit of sleep.” Her horn glowed as she reached to help the moon down when she froze. “No… no, it’s not possible. The Elements destroyed that thing! No, I can’t lose myself to her again I must go to Celestia! Tia will help me!” The moon needing to be set temporarily forgotten, Luna leapt into the sky. Landing on her sister’s balcony, she yanked the door open, shattering it harmlessly against her fur.

It feels like something is missing. The transition from Luna about to lower the moon the her bit of dialogue feels disjointed and jarring.
Of course, looking a it now, it doesn't feel as discontinuous, so I don't know. The pacing is still kind of wonky in this paragraph, though. Maybe splitting it into smaller paragraphs, or adding some padding would help?
I thought the transition was too dramatic, and off-putting at first.

Personally, I'd be partial to something a bit more like the sentence quoted in 6643837, but it's your story.

----

This is a really interesting premise with a well written prologue. I will definitely going to be looking to see where this goes. Tia is one of my fav ponies, and I find a dark story with her as the central character? Instant like.

On another note, the implications of Luna's line:

“Better mares than you have been fooled by the Nightmare’s sweet words, Tia. There is nothing to forgive.” Luna simply shook her head.

are hilarious.

this went Nightmare was always a parasite route. lost interest.

You have intrigued us, please do go on.

This is tense. Why do updates have to be so slow!? :flutterrage:

This is deliciously intriguing. I await further chapters eagerly!

This looks interesting. Look forward to more.

6663657 My fault. I must be whipped to work faster.:fluttershyouch:

too bite sized, dammit cliffhangers!

Poor Celestia... :fluttercry:
The talk between Celestia and Luna is very well written and touching.

But I can't help to think that Nightmare did more that just modify Celestia's appearance... maybe put an aura of distrust/fear around Celestia to prevent othe ponies to help/believe her? Luna could be immune to it due her previous encounter with the Nightmare or because she was an alicorn (if the latter, Cadence would be immune too), but other ponies would be affected...

Cute, great chapter can't wait for more :heart::pinkiesmile::twilightsmile:

ahh it is sad to see celestia like this put against her own people

At last Celestia have Twilight at her side now...

If they didn't believe that she is Celestia, why they aren't searching for her? I mean, she is needed to rise the sun...

I'm surprised that Twilight did not rise the possibility to use the Elements of Harmony to erase Nightmare's curse...

Looking forward for the next chapter!

Luna really needs to put her hoof down on some of these ponies. Current sole ruling princess here, hellooo? :rainbowlaugh:

Can't wait to sit down with these first three chapters! Looks wonderful, and coming from FE I already know I'll dig it.

From the description:

When the sun was later in rising then it should have been, Princess Luna became concerned for her older sister.

than

No pony had seen her, since Princess Cadance and Shining Armor's reception had ended late the night before.

No pony had seen her since {delete comma}

well it looks great but im going to have to wait a good wile before i start reading cuz i want at least 15 chapters to read in one go

Only one thing bugs me here, and that's how the judge instantly jumped to the bonding thing.

I mean, good for them... but It just kinda bugs me a bit how he jumped right to the most favorable outcome, the one they wanted to guide him to, with little to no prompting to that outcome. Well, besides the testimony and all.

I dunno, It just seems really lucky and I doubt anyone would get that lucky without having to do something to incite it.

6674516
Well the Nightmare did surrender without any harm done to any pony. Basically this was more of a bail hearing but instead of a set bail A bond was determined so to keep Nightmare under house arrest until such a time of her release or trial.

Besides that, being linked to the Elements of Harmony gives one protection from the Nightmare.

Well that's a bold faced lie if I ever heard one from Luna. Considering she was linked to the elements previously and was still possessed.

6674966 Hey, the judge fell for it, it's all good. :pinkiecrazy:

6674966
Like Cross Lament said. Twilight and Luna were going for the most honest sounding lie.:twilightsmile:

6675052 i call bullshit on the court system. inside of a monarchy, and a true holy monarch. the queen or princess is the judge the jury and the executioner. i like to think that she did not want to hurt her ponys when the changelings won. she is and always has been the goddess of the sun. as such the omni present sun knew that she was imortal and powerfull. the only reasons unicors moved it was because the sun granted them the power to do so but their vesicle could not hold all of it. celestial has always been their in a way tho. as we know (sadly) its offical that twilight will not be immortal and will die eving tho she was born as the true representation of everything magic could be, she was granted more power than anyone. she could learn spells by watching them and cast them quicker, knowing that she went thro a divine trial and is not imortal, that gives reason to show that celestia was born. when, we may never know. she could have been their the entire time, or the sun could have created her. after that that means she has true imortallness. as most of us know, the more wisdome you gain, the stronger your magic. this ment that she was infenetaly growing stronger. but as she has not used her true power in so long, she did not want to go inter her reserves and obliterate every thing, nither did she want to kill her younger sister, thats why she used the elements, so she did not die.

6675320 with all of this in mind. she could and should be considered the immortal monarch or holy goddess of the sunmlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_02_2014/post-23053-0-53150900-1391618813.png encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT8bzEjFMmRvU243CLTSa_YRS2R-agh8KjuXxPfjM4eF3S6hAXM . but sadly, pony's are stupid. she did not know that Celestia was immortal and that she knew all about Luna. now considering all of this. Celestia is the strongest of the monarch. with Luna in second place and cadence tied with twilight. as we know, the power of them is just as strong as the power of every single being in equestrian and that pony's are the stronger spices not including monsters. it only took 40 unicorns to raise the sun but their are billions of unicorns in equestrai and with those numbers if we said their whir 3 billion population of pony's, and we say that she is only 1 fourth as strong as the other and that the pony races are just about equal not including the threstal because thy disappeared... which is 250000000 unicorns. but lets think about this...encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSlUuk31m4NFu0PgtzWRH15SbBkbKKX0wbfXcJGGV7_eKKVJ4IlIw thats the image of the crystal games. i could go as far to say that their whir more pony's their than at Woodstock which world still be much more than 40 unicorns. now manehatten is just new york city (aprox 8m people) so lets say that the true empire is larger than manehatten like say... 10 times larger, its a empire or was an empire after all. which means 88m pony's, after that their are about 3 hundred pony's in ponyvill so... 88,000,300. but I'm not done yet. now los angles has 10m pony's so its safe to assume, so does los Pegasus. so 98,000,300. after that the capital of equestria... lets take the largest state. Cali, which has about 38m so 136,000,300., and well i could go on for ever. but tirek did eat the essence of discord too so that added lots of power, plus we can assume that direct power doubles any eaten power. discord can destroy pony vill without eving trying... so ya you get the point. she is so power full with my bullshit excuse of math and talking horses. earth pony's are really strong and grow crops faster. pegisi can fly with their small wings, thy can sit on clouds and make rain thunder and tornadoes, unicorns can use normal magic, all races have magic, but she is so much more stronger than that
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Should add the Judge and the Prosecutor to the list of ponies to Arrest for Attempting to Overthrow the Crown, along with those guards who disobeyed Princess Luna and attacked Princess Celestia. A case of Mistaken Identity is understandable, but with the Princess there ordering them to stand down? Bah.

Had [she] driven Princess Celestia to do... The unthinkable?

Oreos and salsa?

So thanks for that.

6649284 you mean like the official cannon route? Evil spirit from the moon?

Chapter two is written fine but I find it really hard to imagine the Equestrian law system working like this at all in the case of this happening.

Ruler of the Sun and Moon for Christ's sake. I could see a whole power grab from nobles and such trying to get her dethroned, but not her own justice system bypassing her sister the only one with any authority over and equal to Celestia. The judicial system's only action if she was really possessed would be to call Luna and petition for the elements to purify her.

Also a binding system that hurts both parties is really impractical. No law system in their right mind would use bindings that hurt both the criminal and the guard.

“Nightmare Moon versus Equestria. Judge Hammer Wing proceeding. Please stand.”
The three ponies in the courtroom stood as a dark grey pegasus walked in from the room behind the bench then sat down. “Be seated.”
They all took a seat as the bailiff floated a folder over to Judge Hammer Wing. “This is case D78831: Equestria vs. Nightmare Moon. All parties are present.”

Assuming you are using the US legal system as a basis here, which it seems you are, when it comes to court cases, it is [Defendant] v. [Prosecution], or in this case Nightmare Moon v. Equestria. It is not [D] vs. [P] but is [D] v. [P]. The defendant always comes first.

Cue the ominous music!

Blueblood your a jerk and I think I know plenty of Snipers that have your name on a list so watch your stupid mouth

Sorry just had to get that out :pinkiehappy:

Oh no, Blueblood the Useless and Foalish has started hatching a secret conspiracy, becoming very vindictive. :pinkiegasp: :trixieshiftleft: We'll have to see if he makes himself more of an idiot than he is at the moment. :facehoof:

Be seen at parties with a black coat? Egads, imagine the fashion!” Blueblood shivered at the idea of what fashion would be like if all the styles were dedicated to dark coats.

Oh please, does that really matter to you?! :rainbowwild: :rainbowhuh: He's worse than Jet Set and Upper Crust, and they're pretty high up on the Snobbish scale. :twilightangry2:

blueblood the idiot of time

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