Chapter Seven
“How’s he doing?...”
“He’s gonna need at least five more days before…”
“I don’t think that tube goes there…”
Distant voices continued to fade in and out until two eyes suddenly jerked open. Shining Armor found himself surrounded by technology he had never seen before. The unicorn found himself in an intensive care unit filled with tubes and catheters. He tried to speak, but the only thing that broke the silence was the beeping of a heart pulse monitor and a ventilator. The moment he opened his mouth he felt as if all the moisture in his body suddenly evaporated. The unicorn’s eyes locked onto his torso, Shining Armor’s body was completely encased in a thick layer of medical bandages.
The door slowly opened. A nurse backed into the room pulling a cart with her hooves. She turned and faced Shining Armor, the nurse froze when she saw two light blue eyes looking back at her.
“Doctor!!!” yelled the nurse as she bolted out of the room.
Moments later a band of ponies bursted through the door. Twilight, Cadence and Celestia rushed to Shining’s side as the medical staff began to run tests. It pained Shining Armor to see Twilight and Cadence look at him with such broken expressions.
A pony wearing a white labcoat with a stethoscope around his neck stepped forward.
“Shining Armor, can you hear me? Blink once for yes.”
Shining Armor tried to speak, but when he remembered he couldn’t even make a peep, he blinked his eyes once. The pony in a white labcoat nodded.
“My name is Doctor Stable, I have some good news and some bad news…”
The unicorn held up a clipboard and began to read Shining’s diagnosis.
“The bones in your hind legs have been completely shattered, your entire body is covered in cuts and lacerations and third degree burns with a few fourth degrees in certain areas.”
The doctor sighed as he laid the chart back onto a table.
“The good news is that you’re going to live, you’ll even make a full recovery… eventually. You will have to stay here for some time until we know that you are stable, then it will be a few months before your bones and skin heal. Then you will have to go through therapy in order to replace the muscle mass you have lost…”
The captain of the royal guard’s world shattered within seconds, he knew that he was injured badly, but to be out for an entire year? Stuck inside a husk of his former self, the stallion tried to lash out in anger, but the best he could muster was a twitch. Celestia walked away with a grief-stricken expression, she turned back to Twilight and Cadence before leaving the room.
“He needs his rest… We should let doctors tend to him…”
Twilight and Cadence didn’t know what to say, they placed their hooves on Shining’s bedside before following Celestia out of the room.
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Despite Canterlot being in ruins, it wasn’t the only city affected by the war. Ponyville was flooded with refugees who had fled before the siege on Canterlot. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity were all in charge of helping Mayor Mare deal with Ponyville’s unexpected guests.
The three ponies had spent the last few days handing out care packages and building temporary shelters. After a long day of work Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fluttershy could finally take a break from hard labor.
“Oh for Pete’s sake…” grumbled Rainbow Dash.
“What’s the matter deary?” replied Rarity.
The unicorn and pegasus continued to chat as they trotted back to their homes in the dead of night. They had stayed a bit later than Applejack and Fluttershy in order to help set up for tomorrow.
“I forgot to give Fluttershy something… It’s no big deal. I will just rush over there and give it to her. It’ll only take a jiffy.”
“Alright, but don’t forg-”
Rainbow Dash shot up into the night sky interrupting the unicorn and flew off towards Fluttershy’s cottage.
“FORGET THE!... Why do I even bother” sighed Rarity.
The white unicorn trotted back to her home and left Rainbow Dash to her own devices. It didn’t take long for the pegasus to reach Fluttershy’s cottage. Rainbow Dash knocked on the door, but received no answer. She decided to knock again, but a bit louder this time.
The wooden door slowly swung open from Rainbow Dash’s second series of knocks. The blue pegasus’ brow furrowed as she poked her head inside.
“Fluttershy?” whispered Rainbow Dash.
The dark empty cottage gave no response, the pegasus slowly stepped inside and closed the door behind her. Not even Fluttershy’s animals were around, Rainbow Dash knew something wasn’t right. The pegasus stood still waiting for something to happen, a loud crash disrupted the silence and nearly caused Rainbow Dash to stumble over. The cyan pony shot up the stairs trying to figure where the noise had come from.
“Fluttershy!” shouted Rainbow Dash as she bursted through a door.
Two robots looked up at Rainbow Dash, they were in the middle of restraining her friend. Fluttershy couldn’t even scream, the robots had taped up the yellow pegasus’ mouth. Before Rainbow Dash could charge forward a figure stepped out of the shadows and blocked her path.
“Easy there Rainbow Dash” remarked Lightning Dust with a grin.
“Don’t want to make my metal friends over there do something you’ll regret…”
One of the robot’s holding Fluttershy glared at Rainbow Dash and extended a long sickle-like blade and dragged it against the yellow pony’s coat. Rainbow Dash grit her teeth, but before she could say anything she felt a light tap on her back.
When the pegasus turned to see what was behind her she caught a glimpse of a metal fist flying at her before blacking out.
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The two ponies were tossed into a cold dark cell, filled with other mares and stallions. The robots untied the prisoners and left without saying a word, the sound of the metal door locking behind them echoed throughout the empty metal hall. Rainbow Dash woke up to the sounds of crowds of ponies talking amongst each other.
“What’s going on…” asked the blue pegasus as she rubbed her head.
“Rainbow Dash! You’re finally awake.” cried Fluttershy.
The yellow pony rushed to Rainbow Dash and gave her a big hug. While embraced by Fluttershy’s tight grip the pegasus looked around at the cell they had been tossed in. The large cage-like prison was full of ponies who had also been ponynapped.
“I bet you Ajax is behind this…” growled Rainbow Dash as she stood up to her hooves.
Fluttershy looked around at their cellmates.
“All these ponies are either doctors or nurses...” stated Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash put a hoof to her mouth, it couldn’t be just a coincidence that everpony here was experienced in the medical field. The sound of the cell door creaking open killed the chatter amongst the ponies. Trixie stepped into the room accompanied by a battalion of robot guards. The unicorn’s eyes glazed over the prisoners.
“All right! Get up and follow me!” shouted Trixie as she turned around.
The ponies all sat quietly and looked at one another unsure of whether it was in their best interest to follow that order.
“NOW!” yelled Trixie as the robot guards drew their weapons.
Everypony in the room hopped up to their hooves and trotted after the unicorn as she walked away. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy followed along waiting to see what exactly was going on here. The ponies were led through hallway after hallway until finally they entered a grand chamber. Banners hung from the ceiling as a massive metal throne sat at the end of the hallway occupied by a mummy.
“Stop here!” commanded Lightning Dust as she stepped out from behind a pillar.
The ponies sat and waited anxiously for something to happen. The corpse on the throne slowly lifted its head up and stared at the band of ponies. Fluttershy gasped when she saw the figure move.
“Rainbow Dash... thats…” whispered Fluttershy.
“Yea, I know…” interrupted Rainbow Dash.
Ajax slowly pushed himself upright in the chair, he was wrapped from head to toe in medical tape. A sole green eye was the only thing poking out from behind the thick cloth, except for the strands of patchy, stringy, white hair slipping out from in between the bandages around his head.
“Ponies…..I have a proposal…...for you………” coughed the man.
Ajax struggled with every word.
“If I live…. You’re all free to go….. But if I die...then...all of you die…”
Ajax wiped away a dribble of blood from his bottom lip. The ponies were horrified, they knew he wasn’t joking. Ajax wiped the blood on the bandages around his thigh and looked back up at the ponies.
“So... who’s first…?”
As Ajax said the words with his eyes fixated on Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. The man slowly raised his arm and pointed at the two pegasi.
“What are they...doing here…” murmured Ajax.
Lightning Dust stepped forward holding a piece of paper in her hooves.
“Well, we couldn’t find too many doctors since most of them are in Canterlot, so I decided to improvise.”
“Improvise?” said Ajax.
“Yea, well you see, Fluttershy here is one of the best veterinarians in all of Equestria.”
“What...do I look like...to you. SOME...SORT OF ANIMAL!” hissed Ajax.
The human leaned forward gritting his teeth as blood splurted out from his mouth. Despite his curse trying to heal him, he still struggled to stay alive. He was in desperate need for medical attention. Lightning Dust rolled up the piece of paper and placed it back in her saddle.
“Well, to you maybe not, but to pony doctors specializing in medicine pertaining to ponies... You might as well be an animal since you're a completely different species, right? So… maybe a veterinarian might be more qualified to provide you medical assistance than a pony doctor.” reasoned Lightning Dust.
Ajax looked back at the two ponies.
“That….. actually...makes sense…But why did you… bring... Rainb-... Rainb-… Rainb-............ The blue one.”
Lightning Dust looked over at Rainbow Dash with a victorious smile.
“We just happened to pick her up while we were capturing her friend.”
“I see…” said Ajax as he leaned back in his throne.
The human raised a hand, giving the signal for dozens of robot guard to surround the group of ponies.
“Well… if no one… will volunteer… then you can rot... in the dungeon...till you decide…who goes first……... but hurry… I don’t have... much time….”
Before the robot’s could take away the prisoners, a mare stepped forward. She was dressed in white and had a wrinkled nurse’s cap on her head.
“I volunteer!” shouted the pony.
Ajax nodded at the robot guards. The nurse was brought out of the group as the other ponies were marched back to the same cell as before. After only a few minutes a group of guards brought the nurse pony who had volunteered. Everypony crowded around the mare curious as to why she had returned so quickly. The nurse shook her head.
“There’s no way anypony can help him. I can’t even believe he’s still alive given his current condition.”
“NEXT!” shouted a robot guard.
Pony after pony, mare after mare, stallion after stallion, the ponies continued to step forward to see if they could try to save the humans life, but alas each one of them returned within the hour. The ponies began to panic, if no pony could save Ajax’s life he would surely kill them all.
“NEXT!” yelled the robot guard as it slammed the base of it’s spear against the ground.
This time however not a single pony stepped forward. Everypony had already volunteered and failed to do anything for the human. Fluttershy looked at Rainbow Dash and slowly began to raise her hoof into the air. The light blue pegasus raced forward and jerked Fluttershy’s hoof back down.
“What are you doing.” whispered Rainbow Dash as she tried to conceal her frustration.
“If you go out there and help him Fluttershy he will surely kill us all. Do you really think that if you just help him he will just allow us to leave? He plans on killing us no matter what we do. We should just lay low and try to find a way to bust out of here.”
Fluttershy gave Rainbow Dash a hesitant nod, but a pale blue light surrounded the yellow pony and hoisted her up into the air.
“Fluttershy!” cried Rainbow Dash as she reached for her friend.
“Calm down.” responded a voice.
Trixie slowly lowered Fluttershy down next to her as robot guards surrounded the pegasus. The unicorn looked back at Rainbow Dash as they exited the room.
“We will be back shortly.”
Fluttershy could only hear the distant yelling of Rainbow Dash as she tried to keep up with the robot guards escorting her. The pony tried to peer in between the robots shoulders to see exactly where they were going. She bumped her muzzle against the back of a robot as it came to a sudden halt. Fluttershy rubbed her snout as she looked up at the robot guards.
“Excuse me… why did we stop?” squeaked Fluttershy.
Two of the robot guards stepped aside as Trixie trotted forward. The unicorn didn’t even say a word as she pushed Fluttershy through a door and into a dimly lit room. As Fluttershy’s eyes adjusted to the darkness she could see a hunched figure sitting on top of a steel operating table. The shadowy figure looked up at the fearful pegasus.
“Come here…” ordered Ajax.
Fluttershy gulped as she hesitantly approached the man. Ajax flipped a switch underneath the table, a bright light shone down from overhead illuminating the operating table. Fluttershy froze when she saw the figure embellished by the light. Ajax’s skin was completely charred by burns that reached all the way down to his bones. He was missing most of his hair and his jawbone was exposed. His nose had been split in two, his bones disjointed and disfigured. Occasionally sparks of black fire would ignite out of nowhere and sear reopened wounds closed, burning off the dead flesh in the process. The monster looked up at the frightened pony.
“Do you think... you can help me... Fluttershy…?”
Fluttershy took a deep breath and took a few more hoofsteps forward.
“I-I think I can…” whispered the Pegasus.
Ajax looked behind him and nodded his head. A small robot wheeled out with a cart full of different types of surgical tools. The man looked back at the pony as he adjusted his position on the metal table.
“Whatever you need... my robot’s will get if for you… Don’t… hesitate to ask… for anything.”
Fluttershy nodded slowly, she had plenty of experience with helping her critter friends, but she was no trauma surgeon. She slowly clipped on a surgical mask and approached Ajax. She had some experience with bad burns, once her cottage had been overrun with animals who had been caught in a forest fire, but this was far more severe. The yellow pegasus struggled to remove the remaining strands of medical tape off of Ajax’s back, but they were stuck to the slimey goo burned skin. Fluttershy pulled with all her strength and tore away the bandages and a large patch of skin with it.
“Oh my gosh! I didn’t mean…!” cried Fluttershy.
Ajax looked back at the pegasus and where she had removed a quarter of what little skin he had left.
“Don’t worry... I have... enough pain medicine... pumping through my veins... that you could... carve out the rest of my back... and I wouldn’t even know it...”
Fluttershy nodded slowly as she began to look at the tools set before her. She had never used a surgical instrument ever in her life. The pony would reach for something, but would always change her mind right before grabbing it. Fluttershy was trying to figure out what she was going to do when Ajax looked back at her again.
“What’s... the hold up?”
“W-well… most of the time I use a natural form of healing…” responded the nervous pony.
“Like I said… just tell the robot… what you need...”
Ajax began to cough violently as a little robot wheeled out of the darkness next to fluttershy. The pony leaned down to the robot trying to ignore the blood spewing out of Ajax’s mouth.
“Would you be so kind as to bring me some Aloe Vera, Witch Hazel, and Eucalyptus leaves?” politely asked the pony.
The robot gave a quick series of bleep bloops and rolled off into the darkness. It took only a few seconds for the robot to come back with a basket of green leaves. Fluttershy inspected the tray and looked back down at the robot.
“Excuse me, but some of the…”
“We didn’t have everything you asked for. Someone will deliver the other leaves momentarily.” interrupted the robotic voice.
Fluttershy nodded and looked back at the green leaves and flower stems she had to work with. The yellow pony began to lick the leaves and place them against Ajax’s back. The yellow pony was almost done covering the man’s entire back with the green leaves when a pegasus entered the room. Lightning Dust hovered forward holding a bag in her hooves and tossed it on the ground before Fluttershy.
“Here’s your damn eucalaptitus leaves and some or whatever they’re called.” mumbled Lightning Dust.
“Had to cut my afternoon nap short cuz of this crap…” groaned the pegasus as she floated towards the exit.
Fluttershy finished adorning Ajax’s back with the green herbs and floated in front of the human. Ajax looked down at the yellow pegasus.
“Do you really... think this is... going to work?” wheezed the human.
Fluttershy continued to lick the leaves and place them onto his chest as she spoke.
“Well… This always worked for my animal friends. So I figured it should work for you…”
The yellow pony continued to layer leaf after leaf onto Ajax’s chest, trying to avoid eye contact with the him in the process.
“I saw… all of your friends… on the battlefield… but where… were you?” asked Ajax.
Fluttershy still avoided eye contact when she answered the human.
“Rarity and I choose to not participate in the war… We’re not the fighting type...” murmured Fluttershy.
“I see…” responded Ajax.
Fluttershy halted for a brief moment, but continued with her routine.
“If this works… Will you really let us all go?” asked Fluttershy as she began to place leaves across his shoulders.
“I am... a man of my word… All of you... will return safely... if I am to recover…”
Fluttershy lifted up Ajax’s right arm and looked at what was supposed to be the human’s hand. Fluttershy slowly shook her head when she saw the morbid claw.
“I-I can’t do anything for your hand…” stammered Fluttershy.
Ajax pulled his arm back and looked at the bone/flesh that was once his right hand.
“Don’t worry… It was… already like… that...I just need… to find a… new hand...”
Fluttershy slowly nodded. The pony reached over for a roll of medical tape on a nearby tray.
“Do you mind me asking how it got that way?”
“This isn’t the first time Celestia and I fought…”
Fluttershy slowly started to encase Ajax from head to toe with medical tape. The white cloth wrapped around the green mixture of herbs, pressing it against the human’s skin. Ajax’s burnt body was now encased in a coat of green herbs surrounded by white bandages. The man felt something press against his back, pushing him forward.
He looked behind him, both of Fluttershy’s hooves were pressing into his back. The yellow pegasi had streams of tears pouring down her face dripping onto the bandages. The man used what little strength he had left to turn and face the pony.
“Why... are you... crying Fluttershy?”
The pony tried to rub her eyes with her hooves, but tears continued to pour through.
“I-Im sorry it’s just that… I know you're just going to hurt more innocent lives when you get better, but I had to help you or else you would kill everypony you abducted. Why can’t you see that both sides have nothing to gain from this war. I mean look at you! Look what the war has done to you and Equestria. Why can’t you just look past your hatred and forget about what happened in the past! I am sorry, for whatever happened to you, but you shouldn’t take it out on innocent lives!”
Fluttershy tried to wipe away her tears as she continued to sob.
“I don’t want you to take away my friends… I don’t want to see anypony else suffer…”
Ajax took a deep breath and waiting for the sobbing pony to calm down before responding.
“I have… met many people… like you before… I am going to tell you… what I told them… You are a kind, gentle soul… I understand that… But you must… understand… that there are no innocent lives during a war… If you want... to protect those you care about. You have… two options… Option one… step aside… convince your friends to not… participate in the war… Option two… step in between me and your friends...… This war will not end… not until I or Celestia die…”
Ajax pushed himself off the table, he could feel Fluttershy’s natural healing method already beginning to take effect. Two robot guards emerged from the darkness and helped the man hobble out of the room. Ajax looked back at Fluttershy just before he left.
“I suggest… you go with option one… Fluttershy… I don’t want to have to kill you… So stay away from the war… and take your friends… with you...”
The man slowly limped out of the room as the tearful pegasus was escorted out by a group of robots. Fluttershy however wasn’t taken back to a cell. The yellow pegasus found herself in a throneroom surrounded by all the other ponies. The equines whispered loudly amongst each other, but everything immediately went silent when a metal door opened.
Ajax limped into the room using a metal rod as a walking stick, the man slowly stepped up the stairs leading to his metal throne. All the ponies watched as the man took his time to climb each step and sit down on the throne.
“Congratulations… ponies… you are all… free to go…” gasped the man.
The ponies cheered after they heard they were free. Fluttershy felt a dozen hooves pat her back as the ponies around her began to praise her for saving their lives. Fluttershy blushed, embarrassed by the attention. A burst of colors shot out of the crowd and landed in front of Ajax’s throne. Rainbow Dash took a stance as if she was ready to fight the mummified man.
“Yea right! I have read my fair share of stories before. The bad guy never just lets his prisoners go!” shouted Rainbow Dash.
The robot guards near Ajax immediately formed a wall around the him, but the human waved them aside. Ajax laid his chin on top of his fist and looked down at Rainbow Dash.
“Your skepticism isn’t surprising... but I am a man of my word… You are… free to go…”
Ajax let out a slight chuckle when he saw Rainbow Dash scrape her hoof against the floor as if she were going to charge him.
“I wonder... if your unwavering loyalty... to the princess... blinds you, Rainbow Dash…” growled Ajax.
“Don’t try to act like you're the good guy here! Everypony here knows that you're a monster!” shouted Rainbow Dash.
Ajax sighed and turned to a nearby robot soldier.
“Get them out of here… take them home…”
“Wait! Are you really going to let them leave? Have you forgotten that they’re the enemy?!” exclaimed Lightning Dust.
“I gave them my word…” snapped Ajax.
Lightning Dust glared at Rainbow Dash as she reluctantly took a few steps back.
“Now then for the last time… LEAVE!” howled Ajax.
Robot guards surrounded the ponies and began to forcefully escort them out of the room.
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It was another sunny day in Canterlot, the sun hovered directly above the city in the open clear sky. It had been nearly three weeks since Ajax attacked Canterlot, most of the city had already been rebuilt thanks to magic and teamwork. However things weren’t back to normal, ponies knew that as long as Ajax was out there, Canterlot would never be safe. Equestria was now preparing for all out war, it would no longer tolerate any fake parties celebrating false victories. The sole thing on everpony’s mind was when Ajax would attack Canterlot again.
“Damnit…” sighed Celestia as she tossed a letter across a table.
Princess Luna picked up the letter and briefly scanned its content.
“This shouldn’t come as a surprise sister… All of equestria fears the human…”
Celestia pressed both of her hooves against her face.
“Gryphons, Minotaurs, Buffalo… I fear we are alone in this endeavor, sister…”
Luna rolled up the paper and placed it back into an envelop.
“We know that Ajax is hiding up north, Twilight could surely remember where his outpost was… Do you plan on taking the fight to him?” asked Luna.
Celestia slowly shook her head.
“We would risk everything if we were to do something like that… If we failed, Canterlot would be defenceless…”
“At least we have ample time to prepare… according to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash Ajax won’t be back on his feet for quite some time.” remarked Luna with a sigh.
Celestia looked out a nearby window at the newly constructed city of Canterlot.
“You’d be surprised… We can’t afford to underestimate him again. We’ve done that too many times already...”
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“Wait, this doesn’t make any sense! This goes against all teachings of magic!” shouted Trixie as she tossed a tome across the room.
“Dang it Starswirl! What the heck were you thinking when you came up with this crap! This is supposed to be your magnum opus!”
The unicorn collapsed onto a table surrounded by dozens of open books and piles of papers. Trixie slowly lifted one of the books with her magic and began to simulate that the book was alive and walking across the table.
“Mr. Book was walking over the railroad tracks when suddenly… A TRAIN!”
Another book flew out from the side, sending Mr. Book flying.
“BOOM PACHOO!!!” cried out Trixie.
“Studying hard I see…” stated a voice in a sarcastic tone.
Trixie shot up when she heard the familiar voice.
“A-Ajax?!” stammered Trixie as she turned towards the library door.
The man raised an eyebrow as he took a seat across from the unicorn. Ajax looked as good as new, except for the fact his right arm was in a sling. He looked like he had never been injured at all. The man looked around at the mess Trixie had made out of his library. The unicorn didn’t even notice how much of a mess she had made until now.
“So I take it you’re feeling better?” asked Trixie.
Ajax looked back at the pony and stretched his one good arm.
“I suppose… Thanks to that pegasus I was able to fully recover in only three weeks… I guess, there could be some merit behind all that natural healing crap after all.” yawned Ajax.
“So what do you plan on doing now that you’ve recovered?” asked Trixie.
“We can talk about business later, but first, you and I need to have a chat.”
Trixie leaned back and eyed the human.
“What kind of chat…?”
Ajax shot Trixie a wide smile.
“Oh come now… Don’t give me that skeptical attitude. I just wanted to thank you for what you did for me.”
“R-really?” sputtered Trixie.
“Really really…” sighed Ajax.
The man placed his feet on the table and leaned back in his chair.
“Listen, you and I both know that you could have left me for dead. Now I ain’t going to ask why you decided to save my life, I just wanted to let you that I am grateful for it.”
Trixie looked around the room.
‘Am I being pranked right now?’ thought the unicorn.
Ajax began to flip through the pages of a nearby book that Trixie had been studying.
“Sheesh… This stuff looks even more complicated than Jack’s research notes…”
Trixie cleared her voice and adjusted her hat.
“I suppose to someone like you it may seem hard, but to The Great and Powerful Trixie something like that is a cakewalk.”
Ajax looked up from the book at the unicorn.
“You sure do enjoy boasting a lot don’t you?”
“Of course! A wizard shouldn’t be ashamed of her skill. She should show off her powers for the whole world to see!” cheered the unicorn.
“I see… So you wish to become famous?”
“Please, I am already a famous wizard.” scoffed Trixie.
Ajax rolled his left hand and bowed before the unicorn.
“Ah, well, please forgive my ignorance. Oh, Great and Powerful Trixie.”
“You are forgiven…” replied the unicorn as she held her head up high.
Ajax began to chuckle followed by Trixie.
“Hey, Ajax, why is your right arm still in a sling? I thought you said you’ve fully recovered...”
“Ah, well it’s pretty useless until I can get another replacement hand…” sighed Ajax.
Trixie looked down at the human’s arm.
“You must have quite a lot of stories about your past…”
Ajax looked down at his arm.
“Yea…”
Trixie looked up at Ajax, the unicorn shly tapped her hooves together as she asked her next question.
“Mind telling me a story about your past?”
Ajax chuckled and folded his one good arm.
“Well, what do you want to hear about?”
Trixie took a brief moment to think about what she wanted to ask the human.
“You talk about your friends quite often. Why not tell me something about them?”
Ajax’s face darkened as he leaned forward. Trixie thought she had upset him, he obviously was sensitive about the topic, but before she could try to take back the question Ajax looked back up at her.
“Okay, Trixie… I’ll tell you…” grinned Ajax.
“First, there’s Jack the scientist… A prodigy of the Auric family, Jack was a genius excelling in mathematics and science from a young age. He single handedly invented artificial intelligence and well…. everything that you see around you. The man could literally solve any problem if you gave him enough time. Although sometimes he seemed cruel due to his calculated nature, deep down the man had a heart of gold.”
“Then there’s Rexx, a general worthy to serve any king. A man whose stature could cause armies to flee! He served my father on the battlefield ever since I was young. Then he served me when I set out on my conquest. They called him “Rexx the Butcher” due to his insatiable desire for battle. You see he came from a tribe far north that revered blood and battle above all else. He was as wise as he was strong, and more noble than any man I have ever met.
“Oh, oh, let me tell you about Sin-faye. A girl who despite being blinded during combat chose to pursue the career of a soldier. When I tell you this girl was fast, I mean she was faaaaaaast. Even before Jack modified our bodies with his science she could run a forty-yard sprint in four and a half seconds. Every one of her senses were beyond keen, including her skills with the sword.
Trixie continued to sit and listen to Ajax as he continued to talk and talk about his friends. She had never seen Ajax like this before. The human was genuinely happy…
“Wait, wait, I forgot to tell you about Vyndon. You might find this really interesting since he actually wasn’t a human. You see, Vyndon was a hemomancer. Beings purely created out of blood, who could shapeshift their bodies into practically any other race, I mean how cool is that! This guy could turn into waves of blood and wash across the battlefield and drain the blood of his enemies and control them like puppets.”
Ajax let out a heavy sigh…
“And then...there’s Lucy…”
Ajax reached for the marble sword on his back and laid it across the table.
“Princess Lucy… She is the one who this sword originally belonged to… She was… I mean… there’s just no way to describe her… Strong, beautiful, kind… She gave me this sword when she…”
Trixie leaned forward as Ajax grit his teeth, he struggled to force out the next three words.
“When she died…”
Ajax looked down at the sword and traced his hand over the marble white blade.
“As long as I carry this sword. I will always keep the memories of my friends… I plan on killing Celestia with this sword…”
Trixie looked down at the marble white blade. Ajax obviously took very good care of the giant white sword. Unlike his giant onyx blade, the white sword barely had a scratch on it. Trixie looked up at Ajax.
“How did they die?” asked the unicorn not even thinking about her question.
The unicorn covered her mouth with her hooves.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to...”
Ajax looked down at the engraved design on the marble white sword as he answered Trixie’s question.
“As you know… Celestia assigned us to guard the Everfree Scar. We spent every day fighting hordes and waves of monsters and demons. Everything was going fine for the first few hundred years until... “
Ajax shook his head as he searched for the right words to describe what had happened.
“Everyday plenty of demons would crawl up from the depths of Tartarus and we would easily beat them back down until… something.... something different crawled out from that cursed scar. It had scales as black as night, with these small, red, beady eyes. Two large claws with monstrous talons and a jaw full of razor sharp teeth. Jack called it a draconequus… We thought it must have been Discord, the mad king of ancient Equestria, but now that I have seen Discord, it definitely wasn’t him. But it was definitely a draconequus… And then… just like that… one by one… my friends just started to die in front of me… I can even remember the monster’s laugh, as he murdered my comrades. He turned to face me, I felt fear for the first time in my life.”
Ajax grabbed the marble white sword and gripped it tightly with his sole hand. The man tried to fight against his tears, but couldn’t stop the streams pouring down his face. He continued to bawl like a child as he tried to finish the story.
“Then… Lucy… she just… then… I...”
Ajax plushed his thumb and index finger into his eyes trying to hide his tears from the unicorn. The man tried to bring his sporadic breathing under control.
“They all gladly gave their lives believing that we were fighting to protect the human race…”
Ajax clenched his eyes and grit his teeth as a wave of pain washed over him.
“I thought about killing myself ever since that day! The only reason I chose to continue to fight was because I believed in the dream that the human race would prosper, I couldn’t allow the deaths of my friends to become all for nothing. Everyday I fought against the legions of monsters pouring out of Tartarus! ALL THAT JUST TO FIND OUT THAT MY RACE HAD BEEN WIPED OUT A MILLENIA AGO!”
“AJAX!!!” cried Trixie.
The man’s eyes shot open as he felt two hooves violently shake him. Unbeknownst to him, Ajax had set the entire library aflame. While he had been caught up in telling the story his wild emotions had caused him to set the library ablaze. Ajax brought all the black fire back into his body, dispersing the flame. The man looked over at the unicorn who had shaken sense into him.
“T-trixie…”
The unicorn shook both of her hooves. She had burned herself on the human’s black fire when she had grabbed ahold of him. The unicorn looked up at Ajax.
“Don’t mind me… I’ll be fine…”
“Here… Let me see it…” whispered Ajax.
Trixie slowly extended her front hooves before the man. Ajax gently grabbed ahold of the unicorn’s hooves and reached into his back pockets. He pulled out a cluster of green leaves and began to lick them and wrap them around Trixie’s hooves.
“Thanks again Trixie…”
“It was nothing, don’t mention it.” said Trixie with a gentle smile.
Ajax furrowed his brow as he thought about something. Trixie looked down at her hooves and sniffed the green leaves.
“Wow! This stuff really works! I can alread-..... Ajax? Ajax, what’s the matter?”
The man was biting his thumb with a panicked expression on his face.
“Ajax, what is it?” asked Trixie.
The man looked up at the pony with a distant expression.
“Not long before Rainbow Dash found me in the Everfree Forest I fought a demon... After a thousand years of guarding the Everfree Scar you begin to recognize a few familiar faces… Usually the demons would say things trying to get into my head, that’s why I brushed off what he said at the time, but now…”
Ajax paused.
“W-what did he say?” asked Trixie.
Ajax closed his eyes and took a moment to remember what the demon had said, after a few seconds he looked back up at Trixie.
“He said... ‘Blessings be upon you sole guardian of the Everfree Scar. Prepare thine fortitude for in the upcoming weeks thou shalt be tested. For he who was ancient when the world was still young, climbs the scar once again...’ ”
Trixie thought about the demon’s warning.
“If there was any merit to what the demon had said then how come there haven’t been any demons pouring out of the forest? If you aren’t guarding the Everfree Scar shouldn’t Equestria have been overrun with demons by now?” pondered Trixie.
“Yea… yea, yea. Forget what I said… I’m sure it’s nothing.”
Ajax stood up and grabbed his sword and walked towards the exit.
“Get a good night’s sleep Trixie… Tomorrow we’re heading out to the badlands.”
“The badlands? Why the badlands?” asked Trixie.
“Isn’t it obvious…”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The desert quaked as robots kicked up waves of sand while marching towards the Badlands. Pandora Prime lead the robot army once again, Ajax, Trixie and Lightning Dust sat atop the robot’s right shoulder and watched as the sun slowly peeked over the horizon.
“So, tell me again why we’re all the way out here in the middle of nowhere.” yawned Lightning Dust.
“Queen Chrysalis betrayed me, her actions nearly led to my death and saved Celestia’s life. I plan on ensuring she never get’s another chance to do something like that again. We’re here to wipe out the changeling race for good. No survivors. Not even one.” replied Ajax.
Trixie sat at the edge of Pandora Prime’s shoulder, her hooves dangled over the edge, her mane blowing in the wind. The unicorn dragged a hoof across her wizard’s cap as she thought about something. She looked back at Ajax.
“Chrysalis most likely knows we’re coming.” stated the unicorn.
“I know, don’t worry we came prepared…” responded Ajax.
The man stood upright and placed a hand against Pandora Prime’s neck for balance. His eyes fixated on a giant mound rising out of the sand in the distance. He adjusted his right arm to be a bit more comfortable in its sling.
“We’re here… Time to exterminate these insects once and for all.” grinned Ajax.
“Looks like they were expecting you after all.” declared Lighting Dust as a sea of black equines poured out of the clay tower.
Thousands upon thousands of changelings swarmed the air creating a thick wall of black around their hive. The sound of the changeling army began to streamline into one continuous buzz. Ajax knocked his fist against Pandora Prime’s thick steel neck.
“Hey, P. Prime, get us down from here…”
The metal titan fell to a single knee and extended its arms outward digging into the sand. Ajax and Trixie walked down the robot’s massive arms as a sole black equine approached from the distance. Queen Chrysalis approached the unicorn and human accompanied by dozens of elite changeling guards.
“Queen Chrysalis… I bet you hoped to never see me again…” laughed Ajax as he drew his onyx sword with his left hand.
Chrysalis however didn’t say a word to the human, she continued to just look at him with disgust.
“Really? Nothing to say? You’re going to betray me and not even tell me why? Fine with me. Your race has always just been a parasite, I will gladly wipe it off the face of Equestria. I gotta hand it to you though, you almost got away with it, but you made one major mistake. Never trust someone else to do your own dirty work… It will always come back to haunt you.”
“Enough! Are you going to bore me to death?” snapped Chrysalis.
“I don’t think you remember who exactly you’re dealing with…” growled Ajax.
The robot’s behind him raised their weapons up into the air.
“I didn’t come unprepared, Chrysalis. I know the best way to conduct an extermination of insects is to purge the hive... with fire.”
The robot soldiers activated their flamethrowers creating a thick wall of fire overhead extending into the sky. Ajax’s black sword began to burn with his ebony flame.
“Pandora Prime! Give them hell!” roared the human.
The gigantic machine sounded it’s deafening horn, blasting away nearby changelings out of the sky. Two thick pipes extended out of the Pandora Prime’s forearms as the machine raced towards the tall clay tower. Changelings caught in the robot’s path splattered like flies crashing against a windshield. The robot reared back it’s giant metal fist and punched a giant hole in the changelings home. Clay and green blood flew everywhere as the robot swept its arm out of the hive, cutting it in half. A thick cloud of black flew out of the destroyed dirt mound, changelings swarmed the robot creating a thick living black blob around the machine. The sounds of screeching changelings filled the air as the pipes on Pandora Prime’s forearms began to spew streams of red fire.
Chrysalis watched as hundreds of burning black specs began to fall from the sky. Every cry the changelings made was another needle pushing into her soul.
“Did you know that the wings are the first to burn?” asked Ajax with a monstrous grin.
“I’LL KILL YOU!” cried the changeling as she rushed forward.
Trixie stepped forward her horn glowing bright with magic. A massive tome began to orbit the unicorn, but before she could cast a single spell Ajax stepped in between her and Chrysalis.
“No, she’s mine…” whispered the human as he charged forward.
Green and black fire clashed as the human and changeling fought. Chrysalis shot a blast of volatile green magic, clipping the tip of Ajax’s ear. The human rubbed the side of his head against his shoulder.
“I guess I am not as brisk as I used to be… No matter, I only need one arm to beat someone like you anyways… You’re out of your league here, changeling.”
Ajax leapt forward and drove his burning blade into the ground. A cone of shadowfire left a sheet of glass atop the sandy surface of the desert. Chrysalis struggled to pick herself up, all the love she had devoured was slowly replaced by sorrow as she watched Ajax’s army set her home and children ablaze.
“Get up! You can do better than that!” shouted Ajax as he kicked the downed changeling.
Queen Chrysalis tumbled across the desert and crashed into a thick boulder. The queen wiped away a stream of green blood from her mouth. Before she could stand up she felt someone grab both of her hind hooves. Ajax swung the changeling over his head and slammed her against the giant rock she had crashed into.
“You dare betray me! I was so close! Now you’re going to die for what you did!”
Ajax quickly swept his sword, dispersing the miniature sandstorm he had created from swinging Chrysalis. The changeling queen rolled over and threw her hooves up.
“Please! Mercy! Ta-”
The human stomped his thick steel boots on the changelings face.
“Mercy?! There’s no way I could be merciful to a monster like you!”
Queen Chrysalis struggled to move the human’s leg, she finally managed to push him off of her.
“Kill me! But, please, spare my changelings!”
Ajax walked over to Chrysalis and lifter her up by the horn, the man dragged her across the battlefield and faced her towards the changeling’s hive. The changeling’s eyes shot wide when she saw the burning remains of what was once her home. The smell of burning flesh filled the air’s as changelings continued to rain down from the sky crashing into the ground.
“You will know my pain. You will know what’s it like to lose an entire civilization, that counted on you, that depended on you.”
Ajax dropped Chrysalis and rolled her over with his boot. He raised his sword behind his head and glared at equine with his burning jade eyes.
“Honestly, I am a bit curious. Why did you do it? Was it for you own selfish gain? Or do you just not like me?”
Ajax waited for the changeling to say something, finally Chrysalis opened her mouth and used all of her remaining energy to tell the human why she had betrayed him.
“You want to know why I did it?! Of course you don’t remember! A monster like you shows no remorse for the lives he takes! Your father truly succeeded in turning you into the mindless killing machine that he always boasted about! You ask why… I was just a filly when you first came to this desert long ago. You brought an army of human monsters... an army of humans, JUST LIKE YOU!... I watched as you disassembled my mother with your own two hands… I watched as you slaughtered the guards who tried to protect me… I will never forget the look on your face as you butchered your way through changeling after changeling fixated on killing me, you showed no sing of emotion, as if you were mindlessly carrying out a chore!
Because of you I had to become queen when I was only six years old! Because of you I lost my mother! Because of you we changelings were pushed to the brink of extinction! The fact we survived was no less than a miracle! So when you ask ‘why I did it’... ITS BECAUSE I PLANNED TO KILL YOU THE MOMENT I HEARD YOU HAD RETURNED TO EQUESTRIA! I FINALLY HAD THE CHANCE TO AVENGE MY MOTHER AND ALL THOSE WHOM YOU HAD MURDERED!!!”
The changeling collapsed, she was out of breath. A lone tear rolled down Chrysalis’ cheek when she closed her eyes and accepted her fate.
Ajax didn’t say a word, he raised his massive steel blade back over his head and swung with all the force his left hand could muster. The ebony blade dug into the sand next to Chrysalis missing her. The changeling slowly opened her eyes and looked up at the human.
“Get up.” demanded Ajax.
Chrysalis slowly pushed herself up to her hooves after what seemed like an eternity. An onyx blade immediately shot towards her neck hovering only inches away from her throat.
“Gather you’re changelings, you work for me now... “
The human sheathed his sword and walked away from the stunned changeling. Ajax adjusted the sling holding his arm, but when it wouldn’t co-operate he tossed it away.
“Enough of that crap already…” groaned the human.
Trixie teleported next to Ajax and trotted beside him as they began to walk up Pandora Prime’s arm.
“Wait you're letting her go? You’re even bringing her back home with us?!” exclaimed Trixie.
Ajax stopped and looked down at the pony.
“Contrary to what all of Equestria seems to believe… I am not a monster… Or at least I don’t think I am…”
Ajax continued to walk and talk with Trixie as they climbed Pandora Prime’s arm.
“Besides changelings are quite useful for reconnaissance... I will just have to keep a closer eye on her this time...” reasoned Ajax.
“W-wait B-bu-” stuttered the unicorn.
“I already made up my mind, Trixie.”
Ajax looked around for a brief moment.
“Now, where’s that damn pegasus?”
Just as the human finished asking the question he received an answer. He could hear light snoring coming from inside Pandora Prime. Ajax placed his ear against the robot’s metal plating. His hand pressed against a hidden switch. Suddenly a pair of twin panels opened up revealing a cockpit inside of Pandora Prime.
“Wait? There’s a manual operating system?!” exclaimed Ajax as he peaked inside the futuristic chamber.
His eyes fixated on Lightning Dust, the pegasus continued to snore loudly, unsuspecting of the man glaring at her.
“WHY YOU NO GOOD LAZY MERCENARY! YOU WERE ASLEEP THIS ENTIRE TIME?!” yelled Ajax.
“WAH! Wait I can explain I was doing some explori-”
Ajax glared at the pegasus with folded arms.
“...Does this mean I’m not getting paid this week?” whimpered Lightning Dust.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Giant gnarled trees stretching as far as the eye could see, covered the horizon for miles all around. It was no surprise why it was called the ‘Everfree’ Forest. The thick twisted branches of the oak trees entwined with each other blocking out the night sky. The eyes of unknown creatures peered behind branches reflecting what little light there was in the forest.
“Is this a dream?...” echoed a voice.
Princess Luna trotted through the dark forest. No stars or moon shone overhead, however Luna didn’t have a problem following the path through the forest. She was accustomed to the darkness.
‘How is this possible? A dream in which I have no control? Unless, this isn’t a dream?’
A low rumbling whisper called out from the darkness to the alicorn.
“Come…”
Luna hesitantly pressed forward into the dark forest. She had never experienced a dream that she hadn’t created or entered herself. She was curious to find out why exactly she couldn’t control this dream. The voice came again, but this time louder than before.
“Come…”
“Who’s there!” shouted Luna.
“COME!” cried out the distant voice.
The ground quaked and the trees rustled from the heavy disembodied voice. Whatever was calling out to Luna was close. The princess cleared through a thicket of branches and shrubs and stepped out into a wide open area.
“Woah!” shouted Luna.
She almost hadn’t noticed that the path before her ended had at the foot of a massive canyon. Luna leaned over and looked down the huge crevice, she couldn't see how far down it went or how long it ran across.
“Luna…” moaned a familiar voice.
The princess of the night turned around, she couldn’t believe her eyes. Discord the spirit of disharmony was chained against a nearby dead oak tree. The draconequus was malnourished, his arms skinny and weak. Discord slowly looked up at Luna and tried to pull against the chains that bound him. The alicorn stepped forward shaking her head in shock.
“Discord?... What happened to you? Who did this?!...” inquired the pony.
Discord eyes slowly rolled down and gazed at Luna.
“You have to run… he’s… back…” stuttered Discord.
“I don’t understand! Who’s back?!” cried Luna.
“run… YOU MUST RUN!” yelled the draconequus as the forest trees in the distance began to collapse.
Something was coming, something big. Luna slowly stepped back as she watched the tall trees in the distance capsize. The alicorn turned around and galloped down the path she had original came from. She jumped up and spread her wings, but she fell flat on her face. Luna looked back and saw that her wings had vanished.
“What the hell!” cried the pony as she picked herself up and dashed forward.
Whatever she was running from was right behind her. She could feel something breathing down her neck, she refused to look back, she just continued to focus on moving as fast as possible and then everything vanished.
Princess Luna woke up to find herself safe in her bedroom in Canterlot. The pony rubbed her eyes and opened the blinds. The sun shone brightly overhead, Luna quickly closed the blinds and trotted back to her bedside.
‘Was that a dream... that I had no control over? That’s not possible...’
Luna trotted out of her bedroom, she was off to talk to her sister. Princess Celestia was busy signing documents and approving order’s in her study room when she heard a knocking at her door. Celestia looked up from her work.
“Come in.”
Princess Luna trotted in and closed the door behind her.
"Luna you're up?"
Celestia was shocked to see her sister up during the middle of the day. She set a stack of paper aside and stood up and approached her sister.
“Is something the matter?”
Luna had a bothersome look on her face that made Celestia uneasy. The princess of the night looked up at her sister.
“Sister, has there been any sign of Discord?”
“Not since Ajax attack Canterlot. Why do you ask? Don’t tell me he has betrayed us again…”
Luna shook her head, she sat down in one of the chairs facing Celestia’s desk.
“I had a dream, one that I couldn’t control… In this dream I saw something… Well, I didn’t see it, but I could feel it’s presence. It wasn’t like anything I have ever felt before. So much evil, so much hatred, I saw Discord chained against a tree. It looked like he had been tortured… or something, I don’t know… Ajax was in charge of guarding the Everfree Scar, right? He hasn’t been at his post for nearly three months now… Why hasn’t there been any sightings of monsters pouring out of the Everfree Scar?”
Celestia shrugged as she sat back down in her chair.
“I am not sure, honestly. You raise a good point, but we have been too busy to pay matters like that any mind. After this is all over I suppose we should setup some kind of outpost at the Everfree Scar, just in case.” claimed Celestia.
“I would like to gather a search team and go check it out, so I can set my mind at ease, sister.” insisted Luna.
Celestia shook her head.
“I can’t allow something like that. It’s too dangerous and we are already short hooved as it is. I am sure that Discord is more than capable of looking after himself. We must focus on defeating Ajax more than anything else right now.”
Luna nodded slowly as she accepted her sister’s orders. The dark lavender pony trotted out of the room without a word. She knew that dreams were messages and she couldn’t ignore this one for sure.
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lh5.googleusercontent.com/proxy/gyIeMV0eGGWzyCzrWhW6Wz0DK71Y8tEqL7Sn3XkTlmMHvHSz4qLpB9TCou6g42rPu-Eqt7LZ9aj986MxTsQ5DbF5Cs0AJgyZdJRH-WqNz2jDDLjcAx3VBRh-who591frqmK1YE3OUw=w533-h300-nc
This chapter was awesome, keep up the good work!
5083994
I'm glad you liked it.
Good god man this is enchanting.
5084497
Thank you.
I love this story!!!
I must say, this story is very interesting. Really good concept, nice pacing, and great character development. I really like how you tell the story from both sides (how Ajax has his incredible thirst for revenge, and how Celestia has her moments of guilt for (supposedly) eradicating almost all of humanity over a thousand years ago). I even like how the characters have their quiet moments (especially Trixie and Ajax).
The only thing I have most trouble is the grammar and spelling. The dialogue as well I am having trouble with, because I get confused as to who is talking, and the scene suddenly changes.
I recommend, after finishing writing/typing a chapter, go over it again and fix any grammatical and spelling errors, and patch a few parts on the dialogue.
Overall, this is a great story! And I pretty much read through the whole thing in a couple of hours
Can't wait to see more.
5086504
To be honest grammar and spelling has always been a weak point in my studies. I hope you stick around though, I would like for you to be able to tell me in later chapters if my writing is improving or I need to step back and look at certain mistakes that I keep repeating.
ok imma have to tone down what i say because of spoilers and such but you have still managed to give me yet another awsome chapter to read your still doing an awsome job with this and please do keep up the good work
OH MY GOSH THIS STORY IS SO AWSOME!!!!
5099480
Glad to hear it!
5120346
The history behind everything took place over a 1000 years ago. 400 years ago was just the last execution to take place in equestria. It is true that something like this doesn’t just go unrecorded, but since Celestia was the only pony still alive from that era. (Luna was recently banished to the moon.) Celestia might have tried to hide the past by destroying all history pertaining to the race hoping to cover up the past and Ajax with it.
5120371
Horizon Star is the most ‘well prepared’ pony for the job. Since Equestria hasn’t had a war for quite some time obviously nopony will have any experience regarding to it. The best candidate they have is somepony who has the most amount of training.
5120728
Ajax underestimated the ponies since he just had an easy victory, he hasn’t lead an army for a thousand years so he might have forgetten a few ideals in regards to leading an army (such as not growing overconfident.) Celestia sent out Twilight, Rainbow, Pinkie and Apple since they are equipped with some of Equestria’s most powerful magic. (They don’t really need to know battle tactics, they just have to follow orders.) It is true that you can lead a cannon’s projector to hit a moving target, but Rainbow Dash is also quite maneuverable in the air. (Although I suppose I should have stated that she was too fast and agile therefore being able to also dodge a shot with a lead.)
Most writing in a story is up for speculation, some people might think the actions of a character make sense while others think they are out of their mind. I just wanted to answer the things you brought up with what I was thinking in my head at the time.
Remember no one is wrong or right, it’s a story and it’s all up for analysis.
That being said, I am disappointed to see you upset with my story, but I am glad you posted your thoughts.
5125874
She only knows what a human is supposed to look like after she sees Ajax for the first time. Before seeing him she had no idea as to what a human was or even looked like. She notices that he looks exactly like the creatures she saw after chasing Sunshet Shimmer through the mirror. That's why I had her use the term human when describing what she had turned into in Equestria Girls. Since she saw what the term referred to after seeing Ajax.
5127616 If you're going to give criticism there's no need to be disrespectful about it. If anything you're the spastic. I don't think I've ever seen someone so butthurt about a story LOL. How exactly are the mane 6 OOC? How is Luna submissive or OOC? I'm sorry but are you just trolling or did we read different stories? You're just generalizing without providing examples as I never noticed any of these things except maybe the grammar (which is nowhere near how bad you described it). Seriously you need to grow up if you're just going to leave hurtful and baseless criticism but you probably wouldn't understand that as you've never written a story yourself.
"Holy shit is this misanthropic! What the hell!?
-Evil, Inocennt-Murdering Human.
-Reckless and Stupid Human."
This story isn't directed as an insult towards you, don't take it so personally. You don't really know what happened for sure yet anyways, so why are your making your judgement of his character so early.
"Also, this story alone sucks major dick! You have little to no descriptions, horrible grammar, stupid plot, retarded, OOC Mane 6 and Celestia, OOC submissive Luna, and no explanation to why almost everything happened."
Can you give me some examples of where I went wrong so I can improve. It's pretty difficult when you just say the whole thing is bad (unless you meant every single world in the story cause you to nearly vomit. Then I suppose saying the whole thing is terrible might make sense.) Also the explanation as to what happened in the past comes later further down the line of the story. You'll hear both sides perspective as to what happened in the past.
"The pacing was faster than light; it was almost impossible to keep up with, and, again, the grammar made this hunk of shit almost impossible to make out. And don't forget the commas'! Because there were none. Well, there was none where a comma should actually be, at least"
If I was to slow down the pacing I would have a 500k story on my hand to write, I don't have much time. If something seems fast to you it's most likely because it's not that important to the story or will be addressed later on. I have had problems with commas in the past, so I agree that my comma usage could use work.
"Also, this story alone sucks major dick! You have little to no descriptions, horrible grammar, stupid plot, retarded"
Nice, I will inform my editor to step up their game to make up for my mental deficiency.
"I have a theory- Are you a 13-year-old Spastic?"
Almost 21 years old. Don't recall being a spastic, but I guess they might not check when giving you an ME degree.
"Good luck with your next one, of course. You'll either just delete and/or ignore this.
(Pro Tip: Ignore the insulting parts and focus on the helpful parts of this comment.)"
Thanks I guess, I won't be deleting you comment, I never really have done anything like that yet and I don't see a reason to do so now. (Even though you come across as someone who kicks puppies.)
As for Pro Tips I got one for you as well.
Pro Tip: Try not to come across as such a jerk when reviewing a story.
"Evil prevails when the good do nothing." Basicaly Celestia is to blame just as much humanity for the extinction of the human race, because she didnt do anything to stop it. Well thats my opinion anyway.
Woah, just too fast too quick for me here.
5157114
I have been hearing that a lot about chapter one. Is that the chapter that you are referring to when you say it's too fast or do you mean the whole story in general is too fast?
I have received a handful of comments saying that my introduction to the story is way too fast paced, as a result I have considered going back and slowing things down a bit. I suppose that I might have been in such a rush to setup everything for the main part of the story that I forgot to check the pacing of the first chapter. At the time I thought it was only important to make sure I setup everything for the main part of the story line.
However, the first chapter is always going to be the first thing people see, so I should fix any sort of problem with it because it's the first impression a reader gets.
TL;DR: Is your comment referring to the first chapter? Knowing this will help my story improve.
5157173
It is from the first chapter by the way.
5157192
Thanks.
This chapter is quite well made, but the one thing that concerns me is that the creature that killed Ajax's friends is almost a picture perfect description of my draqqonis OC. o.o