Celestia: Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together, and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn. The younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies.
In the past.
Celestia and Luna are sitting alone in the Canterlot Castle throne room. Celestia is laughing uproariously.
Celestia (in between tears): And then I told them… I told them… get this, I told them I raise the sun in the morning, and you raise the moon at night. And they believed me!
Celestia falls to the ground, rolling with laughter.
Luna: The humor you find in this scenario is lost upon me.
Celestia (stifling her laughter): They bowed down! They’ll believe anything we tell them, no matter how ridiculous! Do you know how much fun this princess thing is gonna be?
Luna: Keeping our subjects mired in the scientific dark ages does not fit my definition of “fun.” I question why we bothered to usurp Discord at all, if we intend merely to resume his practices.
Celestia stares at her sister for a moment, then grins from ear to ear.
Celestia: Oh, lighten up, sister.
Luna looks self-consciously at the dark fur covering her body.
Luna: You know I detest that saying, sister. I cannot be held accountable for mother’s wilder tendencies. I feel no shame in my father, nor in the fact that he is different from yours.
Celestia (still grinning): Well, like I always say about mother, once she went black-
Luna: -she died of an unrelated heart attack. It appalls me that you treat our mother’s untimely demise as fodder for racial slurs. You are a princess now, and must embody the dignity befitting the role.
Celestia’s face falls.
Celestia: You’re gonna make being royalty a real bummer, you know that?
Celestia: But as time went on, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night.
Less far in the past.
Celestia and Luna are once again sitting in the throne room.
Luna: I cannot BELIEVE you, Celestia!
Celestia: Come on, quit being so dramatic.
Luna: Dramatic? Dramatic?! We were visiting Phillydelphia on royal business! And what did you do? You snuck away from the proceedings to visit the city’s slums, of all places, and while there you threw money at the homeless ponies to watch them fight over it!
Celestia: I wanted to see how far they’d go.
Luna: Three ponies almost died!
Celestia: So… pretty far.
Luna: How do you live with yourself?! You are royalty and you treat your subjects’ well-being as a joke!
Celestia: Everything is a joke, sister. You just have to learn to find the punch line.
Luna screams in frustration.
Luna: Equestria improves solely through the efforts I make to counteract your… jokes. You place too much stock in our invincibility. Provoke the populace enough, and some pony will rise against us. Just as we rose against Discord.
Celestia: With the Elements of Harmony at our side? None would be so brash.
Luna: The world is not our plaything, sister. Why can you not understand that? Why has power changed you so?
Unable to stop herself, Luna begins crying softly. Genuinely shocked by the outburst, Celestia walks over and hugs her sister.
Luna: I fear for you, sister. I fear for what someone will do to you.
Celestia: I’ll change, dear Luna. I do not wish to upset you like this. I love you, sister.
Though she speaks earnestly, the gears inside her head turn rapidly as Celestia holds her sister close…
Even less far in the past.
Celestia and Luna are once again sitting in the throne room.
Celestia: Do you think earth ponies deserve to live?
Luna: Excuse me?!
Celestia: Think about it. Pegasi fly and control the weather, unicorns wield magic… what do earth ponies do? Buck apples? A task more efficiently executed with magic?
Luna: They exist freely. That is enough.
Celestia: Ooooh… “freely.” That gives me an idea. Unicorns could enslave the earth ponies!
Luna: This line of conversation repulses me.
Celestia: Relax, sister. I’m not actually advocating equine enslavement. It’s merely a thought experiment. Although plans to enslave the dragons are moving forward nicely!
Luna dramatically stands up from her throne, taking her sister by surprise.
Luna: That is IT!! I cannot abide your behavior any longer! You promised to change, yet the last two months have seen no attempt on your part to do so!
Celestia: I did try! But you get upset by every. Little. Thing! Just having fun is a sin in your eyes! Why bother living up to your impossible standards?
Luna: Equestria deserves a true princess, not a misanthrope who sits idly by and laughs at its misfortunes!
Celestia: Its hilarious misfortunes.
Luna: I should have known two thrones were always destined to struggle amongst themselves. There can be only one. Celestia, my sister, though it pains me to do so, I hereby banish you from Equestira. You’ve done enough damage here.
Luna’s horn begins to glow, as she focuses all her energy into a spell that summons the Elements of Harmony to her side… but the Elements do not come. They instead appear by Celestia’s side.
Celestia: Oh, right. I forgot to tell you, I’ve been brushing up on my arcane magic the past couple years, and I found a spell that switches the Elements’ allegiance to me… and me alone. It slipped my mind, I swear. It was insurance I hoped never to need.
Luna stares dumbfounded at her sister, whose eyes glow white as she floats into the air, the Elements circling around her.
Celestia: I saw it coming… I just didn’t want to believe it. Your attempted betrayal hurts me more than you know. However, you are still my sister, and I love you, so I will be generous. Leave Canterlot Castle, dear Luna. Live among the denizens of Equestria you love so much. You will not be bothered… so long as you never show your face here again. If you do, I will not be so lenient.
Celestia’s horn begins to glow as she prepares a powerful spell.
Celestia: We were meant to rule together. It brings me no joy to do this.
Luna disappears in a burst of light. When the light subsides, Celestia collapses to the ground, stifling back genuine tears.
Celestia: Goodbye, Luna.
Celestia: One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one’s heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon. She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Elements of Harmony.
Still less far in the past.
Celestia is sitting alone in the throne room, which now houses a single throne. A violent storm is raging outside. Suddenly, Nightmare Moon bursts through one of the stained glass windows, her eyes glowing white, six Elements circling her.
Nightmare Moon: Hello, sister.
Nightmare Moon: I am not Luna anymore. You, and all of Equestria, will bow before Nightmare Moon, your new queen.
Celestia: The Elements of Harmony are not yours. By what magic do you wield them?
Nightmare Moon: These?
Nightmare Moon glances at the Elements surrounding her, then begins laughing a sinister laugh. Her horn glows as she casts a powerful spell, and the Elements of Harmony appear beside her sister. Nightmare Moon’s Elements never leave her side.
Celestia: I don’t understand…
Nightmare Moon: The Elements of Disharmony are my weapon now.
Celestia: No. Those are just an old pony’s tale!
Nightmare Moon: Not so. During his reign, Discord discovered the Elements of Harmony would never obey a creature of pure chaos such as himself. In his frustration, he created six replicas, the Elements of Disharmony, to accentuate his powers. Upon his defeat, they were scattered throughout Equestria, lost in myth to the tides of time, but I found them. All of them.
Nightmare Moon descends to the ground in front of her sister, narrowing her eyebrows.
Nightmare Moon: My throne beckons.
Celestia: My dear sister, don’t you see what’s happened? The Elements have corrupted you! This is not the Luna I remember.
A sudden burst of lightning right outside the broken window booms throughout the throne room.
Nightmare Moon: DO NOT USE THAT NAME!
Nightmare Moon rises into the air once again.
Nightmare Moon: The Elements have NOT corrupted me. They have opened my eyes. I rebelled against the manner in which you ruled Equestria, but now I see. Destruction, enslavement, chaos… these elements of your being manifested themselves in how you treated your subjects. Power is our privilege, not our responsibility. But you embraced it halfheartedly. I intend to see your ideas through to their natural conclusion.
Celestia: My ideas…
Nightmare Moon: Equestria will know fear-
Nightmare Moon shoots a spell at Celestia, which sends her flying across the room into a wall.
Nightmare Moon: -at the hooves of its queen!
Celestia struggles to her feet, and, without saying a word, shoots her own spell at Nightmare Moon. The two remain locked in combat, galloping, soaring through the air, all the while hurling more and more powerful magic at each other. As their spells collide with Canterlot’s walls, parts of the castle come crumbling down, leaving ruins in their wake. Eventually, one of Nightmare Moon’s spells clips Celestia’s right wing, and she crashes to the ground. Smirking, Nightmare Moon begins charging her final spell.
Nightmare Moon: Goodbye, sister.
Celestia(whispering): I love you, Luna. I’m so sorry I did this to you.
As Celestia speaks, a single tear slides down her face and lands on the Element of Magic. At its touch, an orb of intense light surrounds the alicorn, who is completely rejuvenated by the influx of magic power. Nightmare Moon’s spell, the most powerful she can muster, bounces harmlessly off the shield. Celestia’s voice echoes majestically throughout the hall.
Celestia: I should never have cast you away, sister. You were right all along, yet I refused to listen. A new day will dawn in Equestria, a better day, but you will not be its queen. One day, Luna, I will save you. I swear it. But for now…
The orb of light grows to envelop the entire room.
Celestia: …you have a new home, Nightmare Moon!
Just as quickly as the light appeared, it vanishes. The banishing spell having drained the Element of Magic’s strength, Celestia collapses onto the ground. Before passing out, she sees five of the Elements of Harmony transform into spherical rocks, which roll harmlessly away from her. The Element of Magic disappears completely. When Celestia awakens hours later, she finds herself in the Canterlot hospital, a doctor standing over her.
Celestia: …where am i…
Canterlot Doctor: Your grace?
Celestia: …Where am I?
Canterlot Doctor: My princess, you are disoriented. You speak for all of Equestria; you are far more than one lowly entity.
Celestia: So you want me to ask “where are we?”
Canterlot Doctor: I would never deign tell your grace to do anything.
Celestia smiles a broken smile.
Celestia: Things are gonna change around here. I am not so far above my subjects as to speak for any pony but myself.
The Canterlot Doctor is noticeably taken aback, but does not say anything.
Celestia: I have failed as your princess. But the sun has risen on a glorious new day.
Celestia looks out the window. The hospital is one of the few parts of Canterlot Castle left completely intact.
Celestia: We will rebuild Canterlot. A glorious city this time; not merely a castle… to symbolize a new beginning.
Canterlot Doctor: My princess… if I may be so bold… what happened tonight?
Celestia does not answer for a long time, lost in thought.
Celestia’s Mind: I’m sorry Luna. If they knew the truth, that I was your inspiration, they would turn against me. And the Elements have abandoned me. I can do good in Equestria, but not if my subjects despise me. I lie only to carry out the work you wanted all along. You’ll understand. One day you’ll forgive me.
Celestia: Take heed, good doctor. Princess Luna was corrupted with envy; she refused to lower the moon…
Celestia’s Mind: One day please forgive me.
Celestia: Using the magic of the Elements of Harmony, she defeated her younger sister, and banished her permanently in the moon. The elder sister took on responsibility for both sun and moon…
In the present.
Twilight: …and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since.
Twilight is lying in the grass reading. She looks up at the sky in thought.
Twilight: Hmm… Elements of Harmony. I know I’ve heard of those before… but where?
My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied
Episode 1: Mare in the Moon
With book in tow, Twilight walks back toward her library. On the way, however, she is stopped by three random ponies.
Random Pony 1: There you are Twilight!
Twilight’s Mind: Social contact detected! Scanning reference library for appropriate book. Scanning… scanning…
Twilight stands motionless in front of the three ponies.
Random Pony 2: Twilight?
Random Pony 3: Did we break her?
Twilight’s Mind: Scanning… scanning… One result found: “Hell is Other Ponies: A Recluse’s Guide to the Bare Minimum of Social Contact.” Chapter One: “There are many reasons ponies become socially awkward: low self-esteem, poor upbringings, watching cartoons aimed at little girls…” Melodramatic introduction. Accessing appropriate page: “5 easy steps for any social situation. Step one: Do not lock up.”
Twilight begins jumping up and down excitedly.
Twilight’s Mind: “Step two: Make small talk.”
Twilight: Hey girls, lovely weather we’re having today. I was just reading. I love books. What are you up to?
Twilight’s Mind: “Step three: Listen intently to every word your enemy says.”
Random Pony 1: Well… Moon Dancer is having a little get-together in the west castle courtyard. She told us to invite you. I think she wants to talk about Spike.
Twilight’s Mind: “Step four: Compliment your adversary.”
Twilight: That is so thoughtful. I want you to know I poured every ounce of my being into absorbing your words. And I consider you neither my adversary nor my enemy.
Random Pony 3: We broke her.
Random Pony 1: Um… so is that a yes?
Twilight’s Mind: “Step five: Politely exit the altercation.”
Twilight: Ohh… sorry, girls, I’ve got a… lot of studying to catch up on.
Twilight dashes away from the random ponies.
Random Pony 2: Does that pony do anything except study?
Random Pony 1: I think she’s more interested in books than friends.
Twilight (shouting): Books are my friends!
Startled, the three ponies gallop away, unaware Twilight could still hear them.
Twilight (to herself): And my lovers too, but only once a week. I treat myself on Friday nights!
Twilight continues galloping toward the library, and awkwardly talking to herself in the process.
Twilight: I know I’ve heard of the Elements of Harmony.
Multiple ponies wave at Twilight as she runs by, but she ignores them, eventually climbing up a long, spiraling staircase into her tower. Inside the library, Spike is stupidly walking toward a door holding a present with his arms fully outstretched and his eyes closed. Unsurprisingly, Twilight slams the door into him and knocks him to the ground.
Twilight: Spike? Spiiikee!
Twilight notices Spike lying on his back.
Completely oblivious to Spike’s pain, Twilight hurries further into the library. The dragon reluctantly follows.
Twilight: There you are. Quick, find me an old copy of Predictions and Prophecies.
Spike: I was just reading that. There’s a new copy on the counter.
Twilight: No, Spike! I said an OLD copy. Old books smell better!
Twilight: Books are like fine wine. They get better with age.
Spike: You’ve never been drunk in your life.
Twilight: No, but one of my pop-up books came with a pair of drunk goggles once. See?
Twilight casts a spell and levitates a pair of drunk goggles onto her face.
Twilight (attempting to slur her words as she assumes drunk ponies do): Spiiikee… there are three of you! Heh heh. Wait, am I drunk or is that a present on your tail?
Twilight removes the goggles.
Twilight: It IS a present. Who’s it for?
Spike: Well, it was a gift for Moon Dancer, but…
A small teddy bear with a hole through its heart falls out of the box. Upon seeing the gift, Twilight turns to the stacks of books behind her.
Twilight: Oh Spike, you know we don’t have time for that sort of thing.
Spike: But she said we’re on a break!
Twilight: Spike, I read a book once: “Dating for the Socially Inept: Giving Your Right Hoof a Chance to Breathe.” Now, I’m left-hooved, so I thought it wouldn’t apply to me, but it had some fascinating advice. It said “There’s no such thing as a break. It’s just your partner’s way of letting you down easy.”
Spike: I could still have a chance! Let’s go to her party! You can even try wine.
Twilight: You know how I handle parties.
In the past.
Twilight is at a party, standing awkwardly next to an uncomfortable looking pony.
Twilight: So… did you know the surface area of a sphere is the derivative of its volume?
The music abruptly stops, and every pony turns to stare at Twilight.
In the present.
Spike: I still don’t know what you were thinking.
Twilight: How was I supposed to know no pony would want a lesson on differential calculus? I thought parties were about having fun!
Spike: Which is exactly why I don’t think you’re the best source of relationship advice.
Twilight: Face it, Spike. You’ve been friend zoned.
Spike: Friend zoned?
Twilight: I read about it in a book! “Coping with the Friend Zone: Erotic Exercises for your Right Hoof.” Once again, surprisingly applicable!
Spike: She might have liked the present…
Twilight: Forget about it, Spike. We’ve got more important things to worry about! Climb that ladder and start looking for the book.
Spike does as he is told, and digs through the stacks of books. Twilight uses magic to summon random books, to no avail.
Twilight: No, no no no! Where is it?!
Spike: EWWW! Twilight, I told you to keep your “special” books on a separate shelf!
Twilight turns to Spike, who is gagging while holding a book as far away from him as possible with the tips of his fingers.
Spike: This one still has saliva on it!
Twilight laughs nervously to herself as she uses magic to summon the book to her.
Twilight (whispering to the book): I’ll see YOU tonight.
Spike: Oh, here it is! And it’s surprisingly dry.
Twilight summons Predictions and Prophecies to her as well. Spike, unprepared for the spell, continues holding onto the book, and falls face-first to the ground. All other books Twilight was levitating fall with him. Twilight casually trots over to a table and begins reading the book.
Twilight: Elements, Elements… ah ha! “The Elements of Harmony: See Mare in the Moon?”
Spike: Mare in the Moon? But that’s just an old Ponies’ tale. Like “The headless horse” or “Dragons who knew the sweet taste of freedom.”
Twilight: Mare… Mare… ah ha! “The Mare in the Moon. Myth from olden pony times. A powerful pony who wanted to rule Equestria. Defeated by the Elements of Harmony and imprisoned in the moon. Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape. And she will bring about nighttime eternal.”
Twilight: Spike? Do you know what this means?!
Spike falls off the ladder he had just managed to climb back up, dropping all the books he was in the process of re-shelving. He lands on Twilight’s back.
Twilight: Spike, take a note. This revelation must be relayed to the princess right away!
Spike hops off Twilight’s back, and she hands him a quill and scroll.
Twilight: “My dearest teacher, my continuing studies of pony magic have led me to discover that we are on the precipice of disaster. For you see, the mythical Mare in the Moon is in fact Nightmare Moon, and she’s about to return to Equestria, and bring with her eternal night.”
Spike: Hold on… Nightmare Moon? Twilight, she’s a myth! Just a story behind a children’s holiday. She’s no more real than the Easter Pony!
Twilight: You’re not paid to interrupt, Spike.
Spike: I’m not paid at all.
Twilight: And you never will be, with that attitude. Just keep writing. “Something must be done to make sure this terrible prophecy does not come true. I await your quick response. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”
Spike: Got it!
Twilight: Great. Send it.
Twilight: Of course.
Spike: I don’t know Twilight. Princess Celestia’s a little busy getting ready for the Summer Sun Celebration. And it’s like, the day after tomorrow. How about we go share your paranoid delusions at Moon Dancer’s party instead? They’d go over better than calculus.
Twilight: No, Spike, next time I’m at a party, I’m talking about trigonometry instead. But this is no time to be thinking of entertainment! Do you even realize what the day after tomorrow is?
Twilight: No! Well… yes. But it’s also the thousandth day of the Summer Sun Celebration! It’s imperative that the princess is told right away!
Spike breathes fire into the letter, and it floats through the nearby window in a cloud of magic smoke.
Spike: It’s on its way. But I wouldn’t hold your breath…
Twilight: Oh, I’m not worried, Spike. The princess trusts me completely. In all the years she’s been my mentor, she’s never once doubted me.
Suddenly, Twilight and Spike disappear from the library, and appear in the throne room in front of Princess Celestia.
Twilight bows before Celestia. Spike remains standing.
Celestia: Twilight Sparkle, my most faithful student. You know that I value your diligence, and that I trust you completely.
Smiling, Twilight stands up proudly.
Celestia: But you simply must stop reading those dusty old books.
Spike bursts out laughing.
Celestia: There is more to a young pony’s life than studying. I’ve seen the way you behave around other ponies. I have an essential task for you to complete: make some friends.
Twilight: What?! But… but… I already have friends.
With a wry smile, Celestia cocks an eyebrow.
Celestia: Oh really? Like whom? And don’t say “books.”
Twilight nervously looks around the room.
Celestia: Twilight, Spike is your slave-
Spike: -indentured servant-
Celestia: -who, to gain his freedom, would kill-
Celestia: -you at the first chance he got-
Spike: -there would be a moment’s hesitation-
Celestia: -without a moment’s hesitation.
Spike: Are you even listening to me?
Celestia: You are certainly close to him, but he is not your friend.
Spike: Well, that we can agree on.
Twilight: Ok… um… oh, I’ve got it!
Twilight casts a spell, and a hideous stuffed animal appears in front of her.
Twilight: Smarty Pants!
Celestia: Twilight. That’s a stuffed animal. At that, a stuffed animal which makes me physically ill.
Twilight: She’s just a very special pony, that’s all.
Celestia: Unexpected exposure to whom has been known to cause permanent blindness.
Twilight: That was one time!
In the past.
Twilight is a young filly, reading a discrete mathematics textbook, with Smarty Pants at her side.
Twilight: Isn’t this exciting, Smarty Pants? I can’t wait to tell everyone about graph theory at Moon Dancer’s birthday party tomorrow!
In the distance, there is a knocking on the front door.
Twilight: Ooh, that must be the new books I ordered!
Levitating Smarty Pants with her, Twilight runs to open the front door. Derpy Hooves, the mail pony, greets her.
Derpy: Hello, Twilight. I’ve got some more books for you today.
Derpy lowers her head to reach into her bag, but as she does, she makes eye contact with Smarty Pants… and finds herself unable to break eye contact with Smarty Pants.
Twilight: Miss Derpy?
Derpy’s Hooves are glued in place. All she can do is stare into the dark, soulless eyes of Smarty Pants. Her own eyes slowly roll in opposite directions…
In the present.
Twilight: And she’s not even completely blind!
Celestia: Derpy Hooves was the finest mail pony in all of Canterlot. Now she spends her days making small muffin deliveries in Ponyville. Speaking of which…
Twilight (Interrupting): I already apologized for that, not that it was even my fault! She was a few radians short of a unit circle to begin with!
Celestia: Perhaps. But I fear we’ve become side-tracked. The point is, when asked to name your friends, you listed your slave-
Spike: -indentured servant-
Celestia: -and your stuffed animal.
Spike: The hell spawn.
Celestia: There is nothing in this world more important than friendship, Twilight Sparkle. In making you my protégé, I have deprived you of this most important lesson, and I am truly sorry.
Twilight: You have nothing to be sorry for, princess.
Celestia: I do.
Celestia averts her eyes from her student.
Celestia: More than you know. But this, at least, is one wrong I can easily right. I am sending you and Spike to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Festival in this year’s location: Ponyville.
Twilight: What?! Princess, no! The situation is too dire! Didn’t you read my letter?
Celestia(unfazed): While there, you can also work on your primary task. There are good ponies in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle. Put yourself out there. Befriend them.
Celestia: No buts. Consider this a mandatory field trip. Your chariot departs in two hours.
Celestia warps Twilight and Spike back to the library, then sits alone in her large, empty throne room.
Celestia: You must never take friendship for granted, Twilight. Before you know it, your friends could be gone…
Celestia begins crying softly to herself.
Celestia: Please… fix my mistake.
Two hours later.
Twilight and Spike are flying to Ponyville by way of horse-drawn air-carriage. As they approach the town, Twilight becomes visibly more and more upset.
Spike: What’s wrong, Twilight?
Twilight: What’s wrong?! Nightmare Moon returns tomorrow, and instead of figuring out how to stop her, I’m supposed to babysit a bunch of backwards hicks from Ponyville!
Spike: I’m sure they’re good ponies. I mean, as good as ponies can get considering you enslaved my entire species but still… good.
Twilight: And I mean, really… Ponyville? They couldn’t have picked a more uninspired name.
Spike: What would you have named it, then?
Twilight pauses for a long time.
Twilight: Pony… town, I don’t know. Leave me alone.
Twilight lays cross-hooved on the chariot, head facing the ground.
Spike: Look on the bright side, Twilight. The princess arranged for us to stay in a library. Books everywhere! Doesn’t that make you happy?
Twilight: This is no time to be thinking about sex, Spike!
Spike stares at Twilight. Nervous, she attempts to play off her literature fetish as a joke.
Twilight: Because we neutered you at birth anyway!
Spike continues staring at Twilight.
Twilight: Maybe that’s why Moon Dancer broke up with you…
Spike’s face is a blank slate.
Twilight: Because she has more balls than you!
Spike: I would refrain from using humor in any attempts to make friends while here. Or ever.
Twilight: Ugh, don’t remind me about that friend thing. The princess said to check on the preparations. I am her student, and I’ll do my royal duty, but the fate of Equestria does not rest on me making friends.
The chariot sets down in the streets of Ponyville. Twilight and Spike hop off.
Twilight(to the pegasi): Thank you, sirs.
The pegasi fly back toward Canterlot.
Spike: Maybe the ponies here have interesting things to talk about!
As Spike talks, Pinkie Pie walks up and stops in front of the new arrivals to town.
Spike: Come on Twilight, just try. If I don’t help you do what Celestia says, I’ll never be granted my freedom!
Twilight looks at Pinkie Pie.
Twilight: Um… Hello?
Pinkie Pie jumps in the air, gasps loudly, and bolts away as fast as possible.
Twilight: There. My new best friend. Let’s get moving.
Sighing, Spike pulls out a sheet of paper.
Spike: “Summer Sun Celebration Official Overseer’s Checklist: Number One: Banquet Preparations- Sweet Apple Acres.”
At Sweet Apple Acres.
Applejack gallops toward an apple tree, kicks it, and all its apples fall into conveniently placed baskets.
Twilight(sighing): Let’s get this over with.
Twilight and Spike walk to Applejack.
Twilight: Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle.
Applejack voraciously shakes Twilight’s hoof.
Applejack: Well howdy-do Miss Twilight. Pleasure makin’ your acquaintance. I’m Applejack.
Twilight: You see, I’ve come from Canterlot to-
Applejack backs away from Twilight suspiciously.
Twilight: Is that a problem?
Applejack: I know you big city types. You work for the government, don’t ya?
Twilight: Well… Princess Celestia sent me here to-
Applejack: Typical. Just like you big government types; stickin’ your noses where they don’t belong.
Twilight: Excuse me?
Applejack: Always gotta punish big business, don’t ya? You here to raise my taxes? Make me hire some immigrant workers?
Applejack: You here to legalize gay marriage? Then convert me to a priest and force Sweet Apple Acres to hold the first official ceremony, for Lyra and Bon Bon? Then hand me a movie camera and make me film those two sinners consummating their wicked union? Then play that film as part of our school curriculum, warping our young fillies’ fragile minds? Then hand me an Oscar for my masterful cinematography? Well I won’t do it!
Applejack sits down defiantly.
Applejack: I’d sooner secede… again. And I’m an independent. I don’t need your mainstream awards to know I’m good.
Twilight: What are you talking about?! I’m just here to sample the food for the Summer Sun Celebration!
Applejack continues eying Twilight, before finally breaking out in a big smile.
Applejack: Now see, that’s a politician I can get behind! Thinkin’ with her stomach first! I like you Twilight Sparkle. Despite your insidious liberal tendencies.
Applejack runs to a clearing filled with tables and loudly rings a triangular chime.
Applejack: SOUP’S ON, EVERYPONY!
As if from thin air, an entire stampede gallops to the farm, carrying Twilight and Spike to a specially prepared table. Applejack pops up beside them.
Applejack: Now, why don’t I introduce y’all to the Apple family?
As each pony is introduced, he or she places a new piece of food on the table.
Applejack: This here’s Apple Fritter, Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, my Apple MacBook, complete with Final Cut, Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Christina Applegate, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, our bootleg DVD of the 2004 cult classic Appleseed- subbed of course, never dubbed, Baked Apples, Apple Friands, Apple Cinnamon Crisp, and…
Applejack takes a deep breath.
Applejack: Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom, Granny Smith, and our newly adopted filly, just plain ol’ “Apple.”
Apple (crying): Please, help me! This isn’t my family; they kidnapped me. I want my parents!
Applejack: Now listen here, missy, I don’t care how hoity-toity your dad’s band is. If he named you Apple, he meant for you to live with us! We got a copyright on that name.
Applejack turns to Twilight.
Applejack: Unless the government’s here to take that away from us.
Twilight: Um… As far as I know, there have been no alterations to copyright law.
Apple: What about my mom?! She’s an actress, she’ll pay you!
Applejack’s voice takes on a sinister tone.
Applejack: That’s right, she’ll pay me. But not with money. No, to win your freedom, she’ll take the part in my new script I wrote just for her. It’s about an actress who, to win her daughter Apple’s freedom, takes a role in her kidnapper’s movie, which goes on to become a career defining masterpiece. I call it “Bobbing for Apple.”
Twilight and Spike stare dumbfounded at Applejack.
Applejack: It’s a scathing metaphor for the Hollywood system.
Applejack: It’s a meta thing, I wouldn’t expect y’all to understand.
Twilight: Well… your film certainly sounds… interesting…
Applejack: With star power like that, there’s no way Sundance can reject me!
Twilight: …and your family certainly is… large…
Applejack: Roman Catholic, born and raised.
Twilight: …but, I can see the food situation is handled, so we’ll be on our way.
Apple Bloom: Aren’t you gonna stay for brunch?
Apple Bloom looks up at Twilight with big round, innocent eyes.
Twilight: Sorry, but we have an awful lot to do…
Apple Family (collectively): Awww.
Twilight (sighing): Fine.
Apple Family (collectively): Yay!!
Apple: No! Don’t stay here! Get help!
Applejack: Face it, Twilight, you’re a regular ol’ member of the Apple family now. Apple Sparkle’s got a nice ring to it.
Twilight’s Mind: Two birds with one stone. Mental checklist of tasks: Check food situation- complete. Make friends- complete with flying colors. An entire family of inbred friends. Celestia will be so proud.
Twilight: I’ll stick to Twilight. But thanks.
Later, Twilight and Spike are walking back from Sweet Apple Acres.
Spike: Food’s all taken care of, next is weather.
Twilight: Ughh… I ate too much pie.
Spike: Hmm… there’s supposed to be a Pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the clouds.
Twilight looks up at the sky, which is filled with clouds.
Twilight: Well, she’s not doing a very good job, is she?
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash flies into Twilight at an incredible speed, knocking both ponies into a nearby mud puddle.
Laughing, Rainbow Dash stands up to look at Twilight.
Rainbow: Heh heh... uh, excuse me?
Rainbow flies into the air.
Rainbow: Heh, let me help you.
Rainbow moves a rain cloud over Twilight’s head, then stomps on it repeatedly, causing a localized torrential downpour. When she stops to inspect her handiwork, Rainbow discovers that Twilight is, unsurprisingly, sopping wet.
Rainbow: Oops, I guess I overdid it.
Spike: I like it!
Rainbow: Heh heh… um, how about this?
Without warning, Rainbow flies around Twilight at high velocity, creating a rainbow tornado that circles her.
Rainbow: My very own patented Rainblow Dry!
The tornado having subsided, Rainbow lands in front of Twilight.
Rainbow: No need to thank me. Your adoration is more than enough.
Rainbow finally looks at Twilight’s mane, which is now comically frizzy and unkempt. She attempts to hold in her laughter, but loses it and falls to the ground crying. Spike immediately joins in.
Twilight: Let me guess. You’re Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow leaps back to her feet.
Rainbow: The one and only. Why? You heard of me? You’ve probably heard of me. Everyone’s heard of me. I’ve heard of me.
Rainbow stops to look over Twilight one more time.
Rainbow: I haven’t heard of you, though.
Twilight: My name is Twilight Sparkle. I have come from-
Rainbow (interrupting): Well, Twilight, great to meet you. Sorry to run into you like that. I was just practicing for the Wonder Bolts! Still, it’ll make a pretty awesome story of how we first became friends. Especially once I’m in the Wonder Bolts!
Twilight: Oh, I’m terribly sorry; I fear there’s been a misunderstanding. If you are propositioning my friendship, I must graciously decline.
Twilight: While it is true that Princess Celestia tasked me with making friends, I have already fulfilled that particular requirement. Any more would simply be a distraction, and I really must be returning to my studies.
Spike exaggeratedly slaps his hand onto his forehead.
Rainbow: So you’re saying… you don’t want to be my friend?
Twilight: I never meant to mislead you. It was an honest misunderstanding.
Rainbow flies onto a nearby cloud and lies down on it, facing away from Twilight.
Rainbow: Yeah, yeah. Sorry to bother you.
Twilight begins to sense that she has created another awkward social situation.
Twilight (stuttering): I just… wanted to make sure you were clearing the sky for the festival…
Rainbow: I’ll get to it.
Twilight: Shouldn’t you… clear the clouds that are already here?
Rainbow: They’re not a problem.
Twilight shuts her mouth momentarily, thinking about how best to respond.
Twilight’s Mind: Psychological standoff detected! Accessing reference library for appropriate book. Scanning… scanning… One result found: “Armchair Psychology: Everything’s Freudian!” Accessing appropriate page: “Standoffish personalities respond best to reverse psychology. And will respect equally standoffish behavior.”
Twilight: Oh really? And you’re practicing for the Wonder Bolts? The best flyers in Equestria? You really think they’ll accept a pony who can’t even keep the sky clear for one measly day?
Rainbow: Excuse me?! I could clear this sky in ten seconds flat!
Twilight (with a self-satisfied smirk): Prove it.
Twilight’s Mind: Academia wins again!
Rainbow clears the sky in ten seconds flat.
Rainbow (with an even more self-satisfied smirk): See, what’d I say? Ten seconds flat. You wanna badmouth my skills again?
Twilight: No, no, you don’t understand. I just said that to-
Rainbow: I don’t like you, Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight: Wait, no, that’s not… it didn’t work? Stupid Freud!
Twilight’s Mind: Further readings: “If the subject’s antagonism persists, you are most likely dealing with deeper, underlying psychological issues. Analyze your subject’s psyche to discover the root of what’s truly bothering them.”
Twilight (under her breath): Here goes…
Twilight: Rainbow Dash, I’m sorry for the misunderstandings I’ve created. You are clearly quite capable of keeping Ponyville cloud free. And I take back what I said. If you ever want to vent your frustrations regarding your latent homosexual desires, I’m here for you. I’m your friend.
Seething, Rainbow Dash finds herself temporarily unable to respond.
Twilight: I read a book once: “Questioning Your Sexuality: When the Locker Room is the Best Part of Your Day.” While I ultimately discovered my own inclinations toward literature are not scientifically recognized, I feel qualified to help you with your questions.
Rainbow: I’m not a lesbian! Everyone just assumes that without asking! It was just one night of experimentation with Lyra and Bon Bon, that’s it!
Spike: Lyra and Bon Bon really get around.
Rainbow: I take it back. I don’t not like you, Twilight. I hate you.
Rainbow quickly flies away from Twilight and Spike.
Twilight: Well, that could have gone better…
Spike: Celestia said to make friends, Twilight. Not enemeies!
Twilight: Why does this always happen to me…? At least the Apple family liked me…
As Twilight begins walking away, her frizzy mane bounces up and down comically. Spike, unable to help himself, falls down laughing once again. Groaning, Twilight begins walking toward the town square pavilion where the Summer Sun Celebration will take place.
Spike: Wait, it’s kinda pretty once you get used to it!
Inside the pavilion.
Spike (writing on his checklist): Decorations. Apparently they’re being handled by Rarity, the finest pony in all of Ponyville.
Spike looks up at the extravagant decorations lining the hall.
Twilight: Yes, the décor is coming along nicely. And Rarity certainly lives up to her reputation.
Twilight motions toward the front of the room, where Rarity is still trying out different decorations.
Spike: Ehhh. Not my type.
Rarity (looking at different bows): No… no… oh, goodness no!
Twilight: Good afternoon.
Rarity (glancing behind her): Just a moment, please. I’m in the zone, as it were.
Rarity finally settles on a large, sparkling red bow.
Rarity: Oh, yes. Sparkle always does the trick, does it not? Why Rarity, you are a talent.
Rarity turns to face Twilight and Spike.
Rarity: Now, how can I help you-
Rarity lets out a loud scream when her eyes land on the duo.
Rarity: Oh my stars, darling!
Rarity pulls Twilight into a side room, leaving Spike standing alone by himself.
Rarity: You must tell me who your simply gorgeous friend is!
Twilight: Well, Ayn Rand isn’t my friend per se, but Atlas Shrugged certainly is a fine-
Twilight stops herself midsentence.
Twilight: Wait… I’m not carrying my book bag! Do… do you mean Spike?
Rarity’s voice takes on an adoring tone.
Rarity: Spike. Yes, such a virile name for such a ruggedly handsome dragon.
Rarity: Tell me, does he… date ponies?
Twilight: He’s been known to, but-
Rarity: Oh, most excellent! He no doubt has a great many suitors, but no matter. I shall simply have to outshine them all! A three-pronged romantic assault will be the best tactic. Hats! Accessories! Seduction!
Twilight: You know, I’ve read a number of books on bestiality, including “A Horse and His Boy,” but I just don’t get it. Why do ponies keep dating Spike?!
Rarity (continuing as though Twilight never even spoke): Oh, but I’ll have to sneak out the back door. I’ve been working far too long; I cannot allow him to see me like this. My mane must be-
Rarity finally notices Twilight’s mane.
Rarity: Oh good heavens, darling! Whatever was I thinking? How can I think of my mane? Just look at YOUR mane!
Rarity begins pushing Twilight out of the room.
Twilight: Wait, where are we going?
Rarity: I’ll hear no arguments. We’ll have your hair fixed up in no time.
Rarity stops dead in her tracks.
Rarity: But not fixed too well. Mustn’t have Spike getting any ideas about you… nor you him. He’s MINE!
At the Carousel Boutique.
Rarity forces Twilight to try out a variety of hair styles and get-ups, eventually she settles on an emerald-encrusted saddle combined with Twilight’s traditional hair style.
Rarity: Now go on my dear. You were telling me where you’re from.
Twilight: My name is Twilight Sparkle. I’ve been sent from Canterlot to-
Twilight: Why does no one let me finish that sentence?
Rarity: Oh, I am so envious! The glamour! The sophistication! I’ve always dreamed of living there… and conquering it!
Rarity floats blueprint paper over to Twilight.
Rarity: You simply must diagram the city’s internal defenses for me! Are you good with blueprints? What am I saying, of course you are! You’re quite well-learned. Use as much as you need, I’ve got plenty more. Tell me, how many soldiers would respond to a direct frontal assault? 5,000? 10,000?
Rarity: Surely not 15,000?! The populous numbers only 23,002; those figures are downright astronomical!
Rarity pauses to catch her breath.
Rarity: Pardon me, in my excitement, I forgot two fillies were born this morning. Canterlot’s population is 23,004; that’s entirely my mistake.
Twilight: There’s no way you know that.
Rarity: I have eyes everywhere, my dear Twilight Sparkle. Now, how well-equipped would you say Canterlot’s army is? How well-trained?
Twilight: Why are you so interested in all this?!
Rarity: My whole life, I’ve known I was meant to live in Canterlot. Ponies there have class; style. All of Equestria would benefit from its example, but Celestia rests on her laurels, refusing to extend her grasp. We deserve better. Slowly but surely, my army grows, until it will finally be ready to storm Canterlot! The city will be mine and I shall GIVE us better.
Rarity stands up particularly straight.
Rarity: Under my leadership, Equestria shall know sophistication. There will be grace through conformity; poise through subservience! The greatest fashion empire the world has ever known, with me as its queen!
Rarity (laughing maniacally to herself): I. Am. Empire!
Rarity calms herself a bit.
Rarity: Would you care to enlist? You’ll be serving in General Applejack’s division.
Twilight: Well, you see… I’ve been sent by Princess Celestia herself to oversee preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration.
Rarity (nervously): I see… a government agent. Well, everything I just said… it was just… a joke. Yes, that’s it, a joke! Just testing your sense of humor. Ha ha. Get it?
Twilight: Honestly, I’m not sure we shouldn’t relocate the celebration, for the princess’s safety.
Rarity (with darkness in her voice): Oh, I would never assassinate the princess here in Ponyville; the political fallout from any such action would prevent me from ever seizing the throne myself… Is what I would say if I ever thought such dreadful thoughts, of course. Just keeping the joke going! It’s our running gag! Tell me, does your dragon share your ghastly political affiliations?
Twilight: Well, he’s just my slave-
Spike bursts through the door. Rarity goes weak at the knees.
Spike: Indentured servant! Also, there you are!
Twilight (continuing): -so I doubt it.
Rarity: Very good, very good. We are going to be the best of friends, you and I. I’m sure of it.
Rarity’s Mind: And once I’ve earned your trust, you’ll spill all of Celestia’s secrets to me, my dear Twilight!
Rarity pats Twilight on the back, which causes her to finally take notice of the saddle she placed on her guest.
Rarity: Oh, emerald? Whatever was I thinking? Stay here, I’ll get you some rubies!
Rarity trots away from the duo.
Twilight: Quick, let’s get out of here!
Twilight drags Spike out of the boutique.
Twilight and Spike are walking through Ponyville.
Twilight: Can you believe Rarity wants to overthrow Princess Celestia?
Spike: Heh. That’d be the day.
Twilight: And something tells me she wasn’t lying about the army thing, and was instead lying about kidding about the army thing!
Spike: Well said.
Twilight: I can’t be sure, though. I’ll need to read up on social cues once we get back to the library.
Spike: Well, that shouldn’t take too long. There’s only one thing left on the list.
Spike: Let’s see… “Music.” And it’s being overseen by…
Spike’s voice cuts short.
Spike (spitting out the name): Fluttershy.
Twilight: THE Fluttershy?
Spike (acidic): Evidently.
Twilight: I had no idea such a national hero lived in Ponyville. This should be interesting!
Spike: Right. Interesting.
As they continue walking, Twilight and Spike hear the faint sound of birds chirping a beautiful melody in the distance. Following the sound, they discover an array of multicolored birds sprawled across the branches of a tree, with Fluttershy hovering in front of them. As the song continues, a blue jay falls noticeably off tempo.
Fluttershy: Oh my, um… stop please everyone, um…
Fluttershy flies directly in front of the blue jay.
Fluttershy: Excuse me, sir, I mean, no offense, but your rhythm is just a teeny tiny bit off.
Fluttershy jabs a syringe into the blue jay’s neck.
Fluttershy: This adrenaline should help you stay on tempo… I’m sorry; I hope it didn’t hurt too much.
Fluttershy returns to her spot in front of the entire Aves orchestra.
Fluttershy: Now, follow me please. A-one, a-two, a-one two three-
Twilight (shouting): Hello!
Fluttershy shouts in surprise as all the birds fly away.
Twilight: Oh my. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to frighten your birds. I’m just here to check up on the music, and it’s sounding beautiful.
Fluttershy looks at the ground, kicking the dirt nervously.
Twilight (awkwardly): I’m Twilight Sparkle. I’ve been sent from Canterlot to-
Twilight cuts her sentence short. There is an extended silence between the two ponies.
Twilight: Huh. Really expected you to chime in on that one. Every pony in Ponyville seems to have some strong opinion they want to voice!
Fluttershy mutters a response so softly as to be completely inaudible to Twilight.
Twilight: Um… I’m a great admirer of your work! Your breakthrough truly changed the lives of every pony in Equestria.
Letting out a frightened squeal, Fluttershy backs away from Twilight. The birds begin returning to their tree.
Twilight: Well, um… it looks like your birds are back. So I guess everything’s in order. Keep up the good work!
Fluttershy squeals again. Twilight walks away from her, toward Spike, who appears from behind a bush.
Twilight: Well, that was easy!
Spike: And I didn’t even have to look at her.
Fluttershy sees Spike.
Fluttershy: A BABY DRAGON!!!
Fluttershy runs toward Spike, knocking Twilight out of the way.
Spike: Oh no.
Fluttershy: I haven’t seen a baby dragon in years! Oh, when did they administer the anti-aging hormone? You’re so cute.
Spike: On my first birthday.
Fluttershy squeals with happiness.
Fluttershy: That’s just the perfect age! You’ll stay adorable forever!
Fluttershy nuzzles up to Spike lovingly. Spike pushes her away.
Spike: Since I’m already stuck talking to you, I may as well ask. You’re supposed to love animals; why would you develop a hormone so unimaginably cruel?
Twilight: Spike! Don’t be rude!
Fluttershy: Oh no, you misunderstand. I DO love animals. More than anything. Especially baby dragons. But eventually, they grow up into big, scary, fire-breathing adult dragons! I developed the growth inhibitor to retain your cuteness for all of Equestria to admire.
Fluttershy smiles warmly.
Spike: And in so doing, you put the final nail in the coffin of my species’ freedom!
Twilight: Oh, Spike, that coffin was already long since underground, no matter how many metaphors you throw at it.
Fluttershy flies into the air.
Fluttershy: That’s always been the intent of my work. Animals are already so soft and wonderful; genetic engineering simply lets me make them even more adorable. I can show you… if you wouldn’t mind…
Twilight: Not at all.
Fluttershy: Oh, how exciting! Come here, Angel!
A rabbit with quills along its spine comes hopping out of the nearby bush. Fluttershy picks him up and hugs him tenderly.
Fluttershy: Isn’t he just the sweetest thing? Angel is the world’s first rabborcupine! He has twice the cuteness!
Spike (sardonically): Huh. Porcubit would have been a better term.
Fluttershy: Oh no, that name was already taken by the porcupine/rabbit fusion.
Twilight: What’s the difference?
Fluttershy: The first word is the dominant one. Angelus, you have visitors!
A porcupine holding a carrot hops out of the nearby bushes.
Fluttershy (reverently): He’s harder to hug, but no harder to love.
Twilight hovers Spike back onto her back.
Twilight: Well, Fluttershy, it’s been an honor meeting you, but we’ve got a lot of studying to do, so we’d better be going.
Twilight begins walking away, but Fluttershy follows.
Fluttershy: Wait, wait, Spike, I’d… I’d love to hear you talk some more, if you wouldn’t mind. Your voice is so soothing.
Spike (with no enthusiasm): What do you want to know?
Fluttershy (with nothing but enthusiasm): Absolutely everything.
Spike (smirking): Ok.
Spike takes a deep breath.
Spike: Well, I started out as a cute little purple and green egg. Twilight hatched me, and my servitude was granted to her by right, as per Equestrian law. Celestia herself performed the bondage spell that irrevocably linked me to Twilight, and will release enough toxins into my bloodstream to kill an ursa major if I ever betray her. At two months old, Twilight’s cutie mark was branded onto my right foot, so my owner could be identified if I ever got lost. At six months old, I was neutered, without anesthetic, so as to keep the dragon population under strict control. At one year old, as you know, I was strapped to a table and injected with your very own growth inhibitor, locking me forever into childhood. What you may not know is the needle was longer and thicker than two unicorns’ horns combined. Just an interesting tidbit. I’ve spent every single day picking up books and tending to Twilight’s library. If I perform my job dutifully and tirelessly, one day Celestia’s spell will be revoked, and I’ll be granted my freedom. But I would never dream of killing Twilight, or any other pony, not even if premature freedom was on the line. You see, dragons have dignity and honor, unlike most members of your species. Oh, and my girlfriend just broke up with me, I’m stuck in Ponyville, and I’m having an extended conversation with you, the most reviled pony in dragon history. Yes, even more so than Dragon Slayer, the stallion who fought in the Dragon Imprisonment War, whose cutie mark was literally a freshly beheaded dragon, with blood spurting out the base of his neck, and his head impaled on the end of a sword, as a message to all future generations, and not to mention his armor was forged entirely from the scales of each and every dragon he slew. Even more than him. And that’s the story of my whole entire life. Did it meet your expectations?
Fluttershy: Oh yes, you have such a wonderful gift for storytelling. If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, could you read story books to the animals at the cottage sometime? They would appreciate it ever so much.
Twilight stops in front of the hollowed out tree that will serve as her home.
Twilight: I am so sorry, how did we get here so fast? This is where I’m staying while in Ponyville, and my poor baby dragon is tired from all that rampant, soul-crushing negativity and needs his sleep.
Spike: No I don’t.
Twilight kicks her hind leg, sending Spike flying off her back.
Twilight: Awww, wook at that. He’s so sweepy he can’t even keep his wittle bawance.
Spike: This is an abuse of power and you know it.
Fluttershy immediately flies over and picks Spike up, cuddling him.
Fluttershy: Poor thing. You simply must get into bed.
Fluttershy opens the front door and flies inside. Twilight follows and gently, but firmly, pushes her back out the door.
Twilight: Yes, yes, we’ll get right on that. Well, goodnight.
Twilight quickly closes the door.
Spike: Was that really necessary?
Twilight: Sorry, Spike. But I have to convince the princess that Nightmare Moon is coming, and we’re running out of time.
Spike: Funny you haven’t even brought that up until now.
Twilight: I didn’t expect the checklist to take all day! But it doesn’t matter. I just need to be alone so I can study without a bunch of crazy ponies trying to make friends all the time! Now where’s the light?
Seemingly by itself, the light flicks on, and Twilight discovers the entire library is chock full of ponies.
All ponies: SURPRISE!!!
Pinkie Pie jumps in front of Twilight.
Twilight locks up.
Twilight’s Mind: Surprise party detected! Accessing reference library for appropriate book. Scanning… scanning… no relevant literature found.
Twilight: Well of course not! Why would I waste my time reading frivolous books about parties?!
Pinkie: That’s right. This is a party! But we weren’t talking about books, silly. Do you want to talk about books? I love books! Big books, little books, long books, short books! But we should introduce ourselves first. I’m Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised, were you, huh, huh, huh?
Twilight: Spike, find me a pencil and paper!
Twilight: Just do it!
Spike walks away to find Twilight’s requested supplies.
Pinkie (gasping): You’re so surprised you want to make me a thank you card right now? Oh, that’s just the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me! Except for the time I dropped my hat, and Cheerilee picked it up for me! Oh, or the time Gummy got loose, and every pony-
Spike returns, and hands Twilight the pencil and paper. With a smile twitching across her face, she hastily draws a circle on the paper, and holds it up to Pinkie Pie.
Twilight: Pinkie, look at this! It’s a unit circle. It has many fascinating applications, which I’ll describe in detail. Won’t that be fun?
Pinkie: And then there was the time I needed help with an extra special batch of cupcakes, and Rainbow Dash-
Pinkie Pie notices Twilight’s drawing.
Pinkie: Well duh. I already know all about that.
Twilight (meekly): You do?
Pinkie: Of course! But that’s not a circle, silly. Look, it’s even got straight lines-
Twilight: It was a really rushed drawing…
Pinkie: So it’s closer to a unit polygon, and Pythagoras wouldn’t like that one bit! Here.
Pinkie takes the paper and pencil, and effortlessly draws a perfect circle.
Twilight: How did you do that?
Pinkie: I’m actually really smart, but every pony says I exist on my own plane of reality, and they can’t always understand me. Whatever that means. I’d like to have my own plane, though! I’d fly it around and see all of Equestria. And everyone would be invited, first class! Oh, they say I’m the nerdiest pony, at least, but if enjoying the occasional Star Trek convention makes me a nerd, I don’t want to be a… not nerd. What’s the opposite of nerd? Dren? Or wait, that would be the inverse. But… would the inverse require you to mirror the letters as well? How would you even say that?
Twilight: OK, while you try to figure that out, I’ll just-
Pinkie: The point is, the one thing every pony can agree on is that I still know how to par-tay! And that’s what we’re doing right now! In your library! Do you like it? Do you, do you?
Twilight: Well, libraries are supposed to be quiet…
Pinkie: Well that’s silly! What kind of welcome party would this be if it were quiet? Borrriiing!
Twilight begins walking away from Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie follows.
Pinkie: You see, I saw you when you first got here, remember? You were all “Hello” and I was all-
Pinkie Pie gasps loudly.
Pinkie: -remember? You see, I never saw you before, and if I never saw you before, that means you’re new. ‘Cause I know every pony, and I mean every pony in Ponyville. Literally. I take a monthly census, just for fun! Speaking of which, I’ll have to get you a form! But but but, if you’re new, it meant you hadn’t met anyone yet, and if you hadn’t met anyone yet, you must not have any friends.
Having arrived at the table where drinks are being held, Twilight solemnly pours herself a drink from the first bottle she sees.
Pinkie: And if you don’t have any friends, then you must be lonely, and that made me so sad, and I had an idea! And that’s why I went-
Pinkie Pie gasps again, then coughs violently.
Pinkie: That gasp is really hard to do! But that just shows how dedicated I was to my idea, that I should throw a great big, ginormous super-duper spectacular welcome party and invite everyone in Ponyville!
The remaining members of the mane six run up beside Pinkie Pie. Twilight places a straw in her drink and begins drinking.
Rainbow: I’m just here for the food.
Pinkie: And now you have lots and lots of friends!
Twilight’s face turns beet red as she finally tastes her drink.
Applejack: Are you all right, sugarcube?
Her mouth on fire, Twilight jumps into the air and runs upstairs.
Pinkie: Aw, she’s so happy she’s crying.
Spike grabs the bottle Twilight poured from.
Pinkie takes the bottle and douses a nearby cupcake in Everclear, which she then proceeds to eat in one bite. Every pony stares at her apprehensively.
Pinkie: What? It’s good.
In Twilight’s room.
Twilight has her head buried under her pillow, but nothing can drown out the music coming from downstairs. Irritated, she looks at the clock, but as she does, Spike stumbles into the room with a lampshade over his head.
Spike: Those stairs were im-
Spike cracks up as he tries to finish the word.
Spike (chuckling): impossible! I’ve climbed mountains that were easier than that! Entire mountains! I’m being so… truthful right now, Twilight Sparkle, you have no idea. So truthful.
Twilight: Can I help you, Spike?
Spike (speaking very slowly): Wait… how did I get here?
Twilight: You climbed the mountain, remember?
Spike: No, no, I mean here like this… moment in time. Talking to you.
Twilight: Go back downstairs, Spike.
Spike: Oh, that reminds me! Pinkie Pie’s starting pin the tail on the pony… and Derpy’s the pony! You wanna play?
Twilight: No! All the ponies in this town are crazy! Do you know what time it is?!
Spike: Uh-oh. Pop quiz. Um… time to take another shot? Heh, that’s any time! No, no wait! It’s the eve of the… eve of the Summer Sun Celebration. Every pony has to stay up, or they’ll miss the princess raise the sun… and stuff.
Spike bursts out laughing.
Spike (between tears): So it’s a trick question! It doesn’t matter WHAT time it is! You thought you had me. You think you’re reallll tricky! Real tricky.
Twilight simply sighs in exasperation.
Spike: You really should lighten up, Twilight. It’s a party! I’m gonna go brave the mountain again. If you can find a harness, you should… descend as well.
Spike walks out the door, which Twilight uses magic to slam behind him.
Spike: Heh heh… harness.
Twilight hears Spike trip on the first step, and fall headfirst down the entire flight.
Twilight: Ugh. Here I thought I’d have more time to learn about the Elements of Harmony, but, silly me, all this ridiculous friend making has kept me from it!
Twilight turns over on her side and looks out the window. The radiance from the moon shines through particularly brightly on this particular night.
Twilight: “Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about everlasting night.” I hope the princess was right… I hope it really is just an old pony tale…
Spike bursts through the door again.
Spike: That mountain somehow got BIGGER! Now come on, it’s time to watch the sun rise!
At the pavilion.
Twilight looks around at the denizens of Ponyville, most of whom are reeling from varying states of inebriation.
Twilight: This is just shameful.
Spike: YOU’RE shameful!
Pinkie Pie runs up to Twilight.
Pinkie: Isn’t this exciting?! Are you excited? ‘Cause I’m excited-
Summoning all her energy, Twilight casts a sobriety spell which blankets the entire room. Every pony in the pavilion instantly sobers up. Also, Spike.
Pinkie (continuing as though nothing happened): -I’ve never been so excited. Well, except for the time I saw you walking into this town and I went-
Pinkie Pie gasps loudly once again.
Pinkie: -but I mean, really, who can top that?
Twilight: Huh. I guess you’re just like that normally…
Twilight: Save it, Spike. Would you really have wanted Celestia to see the state you were in?
Spike: Personally, I wouldn’t have cared. What made you want to learn a spell like that, anyway?
Twilight: I figured if I ever found myself with too much to drink, I could just sober myself up and safely return home.
Spike: Which would require you to actually leave the library. And you don’t know how alcohol would affect your magic.
Twilight: Hmm… valid point. That would make a great research project! “A Study of the Effects of Alcohol on Magical Casting. By Twilight Sparkle.” I could get published! I’m never touching whatever was in that bottle again, though!
Spike: No, we’d start you with girly drinks. Although Fluttershy drank all the Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
Fluttershy: Oh, I’m sorry; it was just... so delicious. Like drinking candy!
Pinkie: Drinking candy?! I love candy! You should try my Skittles milkshake!
Suddenly, a drum roll can be heard throughout the pavilion.
Fluttershy: Oh, that’s my cue!
Fluttershy flies up to a balcony where her birds are resting on a wooden perch. She directs them in a song which crescendos into a climax as the mayor of Ponyville walks onto the stage.
Mayor: Fillies and gentlecolts.
Spike: And dragons!
Mayor: And lesser beings. As mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to-
Pinkie: But you know what you CAN’T drink? Snickers! Have you ever tried to drink a peanut?! Nothing goes down more painfully. Well, except fruit cake, but I mean REALLY, who even likes fruit cake?! It just destroys your blender! Oh, the mayor’s talking, everyone be quiet!
Mayor: …as I was saying, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration.
Every pony cheers. Twilight, with a worried look in her eyes, remains quiet.
Mayor: In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year. Although, honestly, the sunrise is a daily occurrence, and today is just a few minutes longer, at best, than the next longest day, making this whole celebration somewhat superfluous. And who in Equestria decided we had to stay up all night, rather than just setting an early alarm?! Do you know how much caffeine I had to drink for this? Enough to kill a small dragon!
Every pony laughs uproariously. Twilight, with Spike on her back, muffles a chuckle.
Mayor (laughing despite herself): Yes, while the metaphor is quite amusing, I assure you, my diabetes finds it less so. I’m getting too old for this job. Nonetheless, I am required to state that now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land-
Twilight looks up at the sky. As the mayor speaks, the Mare in the Moon disappears completely.
Twilight (under her breath): Oh no.
Mayor: -the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day. The good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria… Princess Celestia!
Rarity pulls a rope, raising the curtains around another balcony as Fluttershy’s birds sing another song. However, the balcony is empty. A concerned murmur erupts throughout the crowd.
Twilight: This can’t be good.
Mayor: Remain calm, every pony. There must be a reasonable explanation. Perhaps Celestia just wants us to be in bed. Where we belong.
Pinkie: Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games! Is she hiding?
Rarity: She’s gone! And I had nothing to do with it!
Pinkie: Ooh, she’s good!
Pinkie lets out a scream as she sees a cloud of purple smoke forming on Celestia’s balcony. The entire crowd panics as Nightmare Moon appears from the smoke.
Twilight (under her breath): Nightmare Moon…
Nightmare Moon: Oh my beloved subjects. It’s been so long since I’ve seen your precious little sun-loving faces. That is what the myth says, is it not? That I’m envious of the sun? Celestia worked so hard on that story; it’s only fair I live up to it.
Rainbow: What did you do with our princess?!
Rainbow Dash flies toward Nightmare Moon, but Applejack catches her by the tail, holding her back.
Nightmare Moon: Why? Am I not royal enough for you? Don’t you know who I am?
Pinkie: Ooh, more guessing games!
Twilight: Not now, Pinkie!
Nightmare Moon: Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?! Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?
Twilight: I did! And I know who you are. You’re the Mare in the Moon: Nightmare Moon.
Spike: It sounds so awkward when you say it like that.
Nightmare Moon: Well, well, well, some pony who remembers me. Then you also know why I’m here.
Twilight: You’re here to… to-
Twilight cannot bring herself to finish her sentence. Nightmare Moon laughs maniacally.
Nightmare Moon: I am here to fulfill that of which the legends speak. Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!
Lightning crackles as Nightmare Moon laughs louder than ever before.
Nightmare Moon: Now, your queen has a great deal of catching up to do with your former princess.
Nightmare Moon narrows her eyebrows.
Nightmare Moon: So much to catch up on indeed.
To be continued…