Brilliant but lazy
After a particularly eventful day, Twilight encounters a would be mugger on the streets of Ponyville. That's it. Exactly what it says on the tin. Have fun.
I could have done this better if my computer wasn't busy being an asshat. I can barely type this comment. Also, first.
Edit: Now, I may be doing my math wrong, but 185 views and 13 ratings doesn't seem to add up. Please leave your opinion on the story, readers!
So....is this a one-shot or...
I can't imagine this being a multi-part story. Unless there is a second chapter where Twilight gets revenge, by the description alone there doesn't seem to be much more that you could add.
it is very hard to type about how awesome this story was/is when i have three numb fingers
The marshmellows are condensing in the sky
Oh you and your red herring innuendo. This was quite good. While not as funny or impactful as other subversive fics I've read it was well written and even could be considered episodic if the show had a PG 13 rating.
However the subversion itself is absolutely beautiful. The way you take the callous "inosence wasn't lost, it never existed" fic trope and turn it on it's ear by presenting it from the perspective of a very angry pony, seeing thing as grim from her emotional perspective but proving through action and reader perspective that things like anger, misunderstanding, animosity, bitterness and angst are, rather than signs of a corrupted character, simply real and natural emotions that do not require any greater loss of innosence than the emotional equivilant of a toe stub it really is. It's ok to have realistic negative feeling and act out without becomming any less of who you really are.
My only complaint is that you use the narrator as too much.
Could use a bit of polish but considering your technical difficulties it's quite good. I'll be recommending this fic and hope it gets some love.
Haha This story was awesome
>>455222455222 This is just a one shot. I forgot to mark it complete. Sorry
>>455238455238 You think that's hard? Try typing an entire story while your mouse is constantly randomly clicking the four corners of the screen like a rabbit on meth!
>>455705455705 Episodic. Huh. Thanks for the praise, but to be honest, none of that went through my mind as I was writing. The original reason I wrote this fic is because it seems like at least half the stories on this site portray Twilight as not knowing any combat magic, which I think is complete bull. You're the protege of Princess Freakin' Celestia (tm), with access to countless Forbidden Archives. You're going to look up some black magic every once in a while. That one line, about the combat magic when she's confronting the mugger, was the genesis of this whole story. Everything else resulted because I needed an actual story. The mugging came to give her a victim. The writer came to give her a motive. The descriptions and all the subversion you refer to came off the top of my head while I was writing in an attempt to add more humor to it. I hope this doesn't take away from the quality of the story for you.
>>455729455729 Thanks. Glad to know that I didn't waste my time.
Edit: I find it a little ironic I only used Twilight emoticons in this post...
I couldn't think of anything intelligent to say. It's a good story.
Combat magic seems rather redundant (other than death spells) since most magic applicable to combat would just be mundane spells used differently.
Of course in a version of Equestria where mugging and guns exist it makes more sense.
But even that concept is a subversion in that you smacked the idea that a peace loving disciple of harmony can't aggressively defend herself without either being OOC or grimdark.
I suppose I'll have to tell you.
Cause you love us readers and would be lynched if you didn't. . . . . .
but was also drop dead gorgeous... ->
The following description of this guy makes him sound like Vinyl's long lost evil twin brother....
Let's think back...
Taking the Narrator approach? interesting, and a first time in my famfiction reading history.
No! They're ugly! Horrible!
...And mixing in Twi's opinion, very nice. However, never judge a book by it's cover.... punny.
am I coming on too strong?
Can't tell if that's the Narrator or Twi, and I feel the urge to argue in silly circles if you try and explain it for either case.
... before he hates us!
Previous query unabated.
The author turned back to face her.
I'm seeing a silly theme that only I can perpetuate, unless it was your intent, through stubborn ignorance and silly pointless circle arguments.
Again with the Narrator self insert joke here.
strait through the floor
I think you meant 'straight' here. Also, another Narrator self insert joke here.
... scar her for life
Missing a period... also there is no way she can avoid scarring, maybe she should help Scootaloo with that new horror gore-fest she's writing...
I must have taken a wrong turn....
Should have asked that shady bunny in the trench coat for directions....
Shhh... it's okay, I'm a terrible person too. Shhhh, it'll all be okay.
and the end held a silencer.end held a silencer.a silencer.silencer.
end held a silencer.
This term is erroneous and you should feel terribad for it. There are only 'suppressors', not silencers. You can't 'silence' gunfire... in retrospect you could claim magik would silence... but that defeats my argument, so it'll be ignored with the highest concentration of ignorance I can muster.
never in a situation quite like this.
You forgot to add a 'been' here. Also, I'm sure nopony has ever been a precedent for robbing Twi, most famous pony in Equestria and would especially be so in Ponyville. Dude,ought to have run right then and there.
untie the knot in its tail...
My imagination puts him hanging from a nearby fire escape with Opalescence under him, smirking.
>>23120952312095 In regard to your final comment, I would gladly write a recommendation for you to Xavier's Institute for Higher Learning considering your obvious long range telepathic abilities. Seriously, that was exactly the image I had in my head for the ending, but my technical difficulties at the time of writing prevented me for describing it, and upon post-difficulty read-throughs I couldn't find a natural feeling way to squeeze it in. So I left this simpler ending instead, which is not only more open to interpretation, but also induces less Fridge Horror. Also, reread that sentence. A "been" is not required or even appropriate. Thanks for the positive feedback, though!