Interesting rewrite, I think its better if memory serves but I can't tell?

I remember reading the original of this, and while it is vastly improved, it could still use a lot of work.

- overuse of ellipses

- mention of suicide, an overused concept in HiE, and you don't seem to be doing anything with the idea. Unless you feel it really adds to the character, I would take it out.

- the backstory about the drama with his friend is irrelevant at this point. If you're planning on using it later, I would introduce it then. It's important to cut as many irrelevant parts of your opening as you can so that you can establish your story's main conflict as soon as possible

> A deafening SLAM!

Instead of injecting a sound into the narrative (onomatopoea), describe it. In this case, all you have to do is make "slam" lowercase and drop the exclamation mark.

On the plus side, grammar is generally decent, and the reduced angst makes it much more readable.

It's spelled Owlowiscious.

*Squee*

Why do so many humans in HiE stories have the name, "Connor"?  Where are all the Toms, Dicks, Georges and Billys?

>>23721062372106 are there really that many that use the name Connor?

..not that I mind. My name IS Connor, so I'm perfectly ok with all of the "Connor"s who go to equestria.

Uhhh, I forgot what this story was... so... he finds Scootaloo in the forest during a dark and stormy night, after he, I guess drowns or falls into an impossibly deep puddle and it turns out to be a portal into Equestria that he may or may not have been searching for? Help me out here, have I read this before?

Things are about to get interesting!!! When's the next chapter?

Well its been so long since I last read this that I can't be sure of what changes have been made, but it seems like there are less typos this time around. The original did a very good job of bringing you into "Connor's" mind and showed us just how unstable it was, I can't wait to see if this rewrite still does the trick.

>>23722062372206

Yeah, were thinking of the same story man.

At the end he jumps off a fucking cliff or something?

I cant even remember.

So my only complaint is the length.

Make it longer, mofo.

Please.

>>23722062372206 Pretty much, there's a few aspects that have changed, and I thought that the original was far too choppy and rushed. I figured that a rewrite would be good for it, because let's be honest, it really, really needed one anyway. But yeah, you have kinda read this before, but stick around if you want, see if this is any better than before.

>>23717582371758 Thanks for the tips man, I'll be sure to keep all that in mind while I'm working on it in the future. Also, thanks for the help with spelling Owlowicious .

>>23738672373867 Hopefully the next chapter is gonna be out within the next couple of days, I have recently been sidetracked with attending PonyconAU in Sydney, but now I should hopefully have the time to work on this.