This my first story, therefore so If you see any grammatical mistakes feel free to point them out. Also feel free to criticize it ,It's not the best story ever written (understatement), I'll take any criticism constructively in order to be a better writer, but I ask that you point out whats wrong, and would appreciate it if you told me why you don't like it so I can fix it, or improve it, this isn't a demand or anything just saying. Also I know it's rushed.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAX! *mark get hit in the face by a computer monitor* Great story. I love the fact that he has Discord powers!

>>509700509700

I'm actually planning to have that happen in later chapters, he can do it.

I see some good potential in this story, a nice change from the whole, "okay, uh here's a guy. And here's the same guy except a pony and in equestria.   yay!". the occasional spelling or grammatical error is fine by me, since it's a first write and stuff.

awsome story bra! keep it goin as long as you can, already favorited!

oh and btw you earned these

Image: http://images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2426-dafuck.PNG

It's pretty hilarious, even though it's sort of like a mind fuck to me.

I'll keep an eye on it. I'm curious.

this is relavant to my interests. by the way, it's angel (the holy wing things) not angle (90 degrees). just thought you'd like to know, i remember writing an entire essay with that screwed up once, my teacher laughed so hard he actually gave me bonus marks.

OK personal complaints time!

When one character finishes speaking and another starts, start a new paragraph or something. Thats just a personal preference.

Its Angel not angle. An angle is a mathematics term. Like how a right angle is 90 degrees. Also you forgot to capitalize Angel's name.

Other than all that, great story. I expect big things from you. Also, could we get a picture of how he looks?

ha! this is hilarius! keep it up

edit also, when he was drunk this was runnin through my head:

Image: http://www.deviantart.com/download/261801289/mlp__discord_by_yark_wark-d4bvb61.png

>>509776509776

>>509785509785

Apologies, I am dyslexic and heavily rely on spell-check. I'll fix it straight away.

>>509848509848 Its all cool man.

>>509785509785

Also, I can't draw so no you won't be getting a picture of how he looks, sorry. I tried to make him more reptilian and scary not because I wanted him to look cool, but because I want him to appear frightening and evil to pony's and thus make it harder for him to fit in/ make friends.

He is ugly btw.

>>509894509894 Good to know. What animal does each body part come from? A list will make it easier to picture.

>>509917509917

He's got an argonian head minus the spikes and feathers, and one eye is bigger then the other. Lets say his eye's are green or whatever.

Image: http://images.wikia.com/elderscrolls/images/6/62/Argonian_with_sword.jpg

-

Right arm: black dragon.

Image: http://battleforthearth.webs.com/photos/Evil-Clans/blackdragon.jpg

(something like this)

Same for his left wing.

-

left Arm: unknown (It's basically human but the skin is rougher and the fingers are twice as long and end with shape pin-like talons, it's not even half the size of his other arm and quite anorexic looking).

-

Right foot: I say lizard but it'd look like this but darker. (this is a T-Rex foot)

Image: http://bartoo4.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/dinosaur-foot.jpg

-

left foot: lion (think scar from the lion king).

Image: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_xqU8aCV8ADc/TEfHGRjDNfI/AAAAAAAAADo/oJouipbPQk4/s1600/mufasa19.jpg

-

He's got no fur from his abdomen up. (sounds mary-sue ish but he's not, At least I hope not).

-

His right wing is basically a ruffled looking red birds wing except it's proportionality way too small.

-

And he has a black furred tail ending in grey feathers.

Hope that helped.

>>510048510048

It did. Thanks.

>>510048510048 how long till there are updates ;D

>>509848509848

it's cool brony, just keep an eye out for things like that. spell check ain't perfect.

"He was getting pretty sick of tree's"

Tree's shouldn't have the apostrophe. You should never use an apostrophe to make a word plural. Take a look at this for help on using apostrophes. I used to have a hard time with this when I was just starting out, so I figured i'd go ahead help you with it.

Also;

"Again his tail smacked another branch, he had very little control over the thing and it seemed to have a mind of it's own."

An easy rule for figuring out whether to use " its " or " it's " is by replacing putting "it is" or "it has" in it's place. If the sentence still makes sense, then use " it's " , and if it doesn't then use " its ". If you wanna get technical, " its " is used to show possession of something, and " it's " is simply an abbreviation of "it is" or "it has". Again, this was another problem I've had before.

Despite what all the above constructive criticism might have you think, I'm glad to say I actually enjoyed this story. You'll be seeing a thumbs up and a favorite from me, as I can't wait to see where you take this.

'whip bitches in da face!'

that line just made my day

How Did I Get Here? From k12314?

I'm a character in it! First appearance: chapter 7!

...

Great starting this'll be a wonderful story if you can make it at least this good!

If he get's clear then how could he get in trouble (above freaking out)?

But anYway, write more soon!

Oh, and Dr. Haaax needs a target for sure!

>>513164513164

I never did read that, which is strange considering I have it as what my character reads.

Backwards in time edit:

>>513313513313

OK.

>>513306513306

Give it a read then, it's fantastic!

Bribery. Works every time.

take all my custom emoticons!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/eenope.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Mr_Cake.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/yay_red.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Sweetie_Belle_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rarity_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applejack_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Fluttershy_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applebloom_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Derpy_Hooves_lolface.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_1.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png

>>513495513495

WHAT SORCERY IS THIS!!!!!

Image: http://static4.depositphotos.com/1004670/391/i/950/depositphotos_3913455-The-child-with-astonishment-looks.jpg

>>513504513504

there from a friend

" 'I should really think of something cool' "Mark", 'fuck' "

The hilarity would be doubled if you added a line break inbetween those so it would look like this.

'I should really think of something cool'

"Mark"

'fuck'.

I'm glad to see you got the hang of apostrophes. Now you need to work on punctuation. Commas are awesome, I know. However, you should take care not to put them where a period should go. For example;

" 'Wow, did she really just disturb spike because she couldn't be bothered to help me herself, what an inconsiderate bitch', he always loved the Twilight from the show, but this new one he disliked, maybe it was because she was ratty, or didn't like him he pondered. "

It should be something like this

'Wow, did she really just disturb spike because she couldn't be bothered to help me herself? What an inconsiderate bitch.' He always loved the Twilight from the show, but this new one he disliked. Maybe it was because she was ratty, or didn't like him.

All changes are marked in bold, except for things taken out, like the coma after the thought. only use things like "he said" , "pondered" , or "he thought" if they actually say or think something. Also , remember to put periods after the character is done talking or thinking. Like this;

"Yea, I'm just as powerful as Discord apparently." mark replied

And by the way, you don't have to end the sentence with a period if the sentence ended with your character saying something. Like this;

After giving it some thought, Mark decided that since he was part dragon, maybe he'd like gems.

"Got any Gems?"

(Anytime a character starts talking, then no matter what it needs to be on a new line. Same goes for thoughts. In fact, everything about speaking goes for thoughts as well.)

Also, anytime starts speaking or thinking, then the first letter needs to be capitalized.

And now for the specific stuff that stands out.

he clearly had an ulterior motive for being here.

He reached the bottom and plodded along the floor, passing Mark.

"Right this way" he said tiredly. He obviously could not be bothered with this shit.

'What was he? Eight?' Mark wondered. He shouldn't be treated like a shivie.

2 things with that last one:

1. Never use actual number if a character is talking or thinking. All other times you are free to use whatever you want, but if a character is talking or thinking, use the word form of the number.

2. What's a shivie? I must know!

PS: Once again, I did enjoy this chapter. I'm fairly pleased with how this is coming along.

>>513628513628

Thanks dude, A shivie is slang for a servant. I'm not sure but I think the slang originated in the 1800's among the lower class. "oi shivie git ov-er eir".

would you like to be a proof-reader?

>>513775513775 Sure.

>>513782513782

sweet.

" 'I should really think of something cool' "Mark", 'fuck' "

HAHAHAAH FUKIN HILARIUS

'

>>513495513495

what? you mean this silly old thing?

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png

>>513808513808

yes that old thing

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Mr_Cake.png

>>513844513844  

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png

>>513863513863

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png

>>513863513863

>>513881513881

Image: http://9.forumer.com/html/emoticons/mlpeod/Starshine-mlp.gif

DO I WIN GUIZE

Also, Can I have some criticism on something other then grammar such as whether the story is boring at times, or if you think I could have handled thing differently/add an scene ect?

>>513903513903 mother of god........

also, its not rlly boring in fact, its the most interesting thing i ever read in a long time!

>>513990513990

i agree with what he said.. even the mother of god line

>>513844513844

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Derpy_Hooves_lolface.png

now its time to get out of this convosation. with style

Image: http://chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-everyday-im-shuffling.gif

>>514040514040

Image: http://chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-haters-gonna-hate-check.gif

you just doing that because you now you gona losse

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png

>>514040514040

>>514140514140

Shit just got real, GIF duel is on.

Image: http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y156/claysol13/nou.gif

>>514152514152

Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/704a65b5c8298201d5bf89dfa0d01005/130303%20-%20animated%20big_macintosh%20brace_yourselves%20macro%20reaction_image%20shitstorm.gif

WHAT HAVE I STARTED?!?!?!? also here ya go

Watchin ponies?

Image: http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/internet-memes-not-quite-dry-enough.gif

Image: http://www.laboiteverte.fr/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/gif-psychedelique-hypnose-animation-11.gif

I combat your forewarning with one mindfuck.

Image: http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/211/3/5/Legend_of_Korra_FACE_REVEALED_by_alternatecoppa.jpg

Your turn ladies.

>>514187514187

>>514228514228

So should we keep this with to ponies or what?

Image: http://www.spankthellama.com/hashbrowns/main.php/d/12996-1/dancing-mudkip-animated-ava.gif

Image: http://data.whicdn.com/images/12230719/DancingMudkip_large.gif?1311213595

Image: http://www.spankthellama.com/hashbrowns/main.php/d/12996-1/dancing-mudkip-animated-ava.gif

Image: http://www.spankthellama.com/hashbrowns/main.php/d/12996-1/dancing-mudkip-animated-ava.gif

Image: http://www.spankthellama.com/hashbrowns/main.php/d/12996-1/dancing-mudkip-animated-ava.gif

Image: http://www.spankthellama.com/hashbrowns/main.php/d/12996-1/dancing-mudkip-animated-ava.gif

Image: http://data.whicdn.com/images/12230719/DancingMudkip_large.gif?1311213595

Image: http://data.whicdn.com/images/12230719/DancingMudkip_large.gif?1311213595

Image: http://data.whicdn.com/images/12230719/DancingMudkip_large.gif?1311213595

>>514234514234

i combat you mind fuck with this

Image: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3lsOSe-U17k/T3gf4t55CXI/AAAAAAAAkr0/YQgu_1jPBvo/s1600/157289+-+animated+cursor+derpy_hooves.gif

>>514241514241

as much as possible ya unless its that good/has pony reference

>>514250514250

I backup my previous argument with this:

Image: http://data.whicdn.com/images/12230719/DancingMudkip_large.gif?1311213595

Image: http://theuniblog.evilspacerobot.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/8zkwggjpg_display.gif

Image: http://www.spankthellama.com/hashbrowns/main.php/d/12996-1/dancing-mudkip-animated-ava.gif

Also epic wubbrohoof!

Image: http://static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/+_33a174bef47d5467e79749f10322e439.gif

Image: http://static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/+_33a174bef47d5467e79749f10322e439.gif

Image: http://static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/+_33a174bef47d5467e79749f10322e439.gif

>>514293514293

you brought this on your self

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Mr_Cake.png

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3lsOSe-U17k/T3gf4t55CXI/AAAAAAAAkr0/YQgu_1jPBvo/s1600/157289+-+animated+cursor+derpy_hooves.gif

Image: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3lsOSe-U17k/T3gf4t55CXI/AAAAAAAAkr0/YQgu_1jPBvo/s1600/157289+-+animated+cursor+derpy_hooves.gif

>>514293514293

you brought this on your self

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Mr_Cake.png

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://i.imgur.com/x48u4.gif

Image: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3lsOSe-U17k/T3gf4t55CXI/AAAAAAAAkr0/YQgu_1jPBvo/s1600/157289+-+animated+cursor+derpy_hooves.gif

>>514327514327

I would have responded but my computer crashed. Holy crap that's trippy, I counter trip you with another trip.

And an unnamed anime screencap

Image: http://theunshaven.rooms.cwal.net/Animated%20Gifs/WTF.gif

Image: http://sender.fm/new/phil_te5/pics/!bongzilla_aka_boxenfront_kombat_!_format_c__bad_trip_HQ95189.gif

>>514327514327

Image: http://deborahdekrem.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/4f35923e34365_bitch-please.png

this. is a mindfuck

>>514416514416

Hardcore

skip to 18:58

>>514416514416

Even better:

Oh the brutality, I don't even like Dubstep and this is downright epic.

>>514405514405

sorry bro gota go do some stuff but when im back ill be loaded with gifs to beat ya

>>514492514492

mindfuck to the max

watch the PONY.MOV series (if you didnt)

>>514616514616

Seen it. It was amazing.

My reaction to the summary:

Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/274/141/56f.gif

FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRST! Before I even read the story

inb4 author

Have a small update. Constructive criticism?

>>524733524733

Before the damn author!!!!! wtf!

OK lets see, you were 29 seconds before me... how did this HAPPEN?

lol pinkie pie is sooooo random

>>524745524745

What fun is there in finding out how things happen?

>>524756524756

did you read that far into the story already?!? it's only been up for 2 and a half minuets!! that's like 1500 words a minuet...

>>524763524763

Yep, im a fast reader

>>524737524737

Constructive? You need to align all your bricks to the left.

Seriously though good chapter, seems to be a filler though. You can incorporate more fun.

>>524800524800

Yes it is just a filler. Non of the interesting stuff or gore is happening yet, I've yet to find something to move the story along faster.

>>524811524811

Chrysalis. Done.

Heh, Pinkie might be Mark's redemption, if she can see the real self of him, then she can tell everypony the truth.

I wonder how will he screw it up.

The way a proof-reader works is you send me the chapter, then I fix it up and send it back to you, and then you post the corrected version I gave you.

FYI it's spelled "minute".

I swear, every time I see " *bang* " in a story i'm like "Okay, I know it's not a gun...what could it be?"

And then every time it's Pinkie. Dang, I need to remember that more often!

>>525073525073

next chapter is going to you, sorry bout that.

Atleast two people don't hate you

Great chapter, and also when you first made it, I thought you would get booze from Berrypunch, :P

great chapter btw, cant wait for the next!

I WANT YOU TO SIT AT YOUR COMPUTER ALL DAY AND ONLY MAKE NEW CHAPTERS!

I am prepared to threaten the destruction of New Jersey to get your cooperation

>>525392525392

Do it. DO IT. DO IT

Sorry for the wait. Once again criticism is Welcome.

There's no sodomy in this!

>>540513540513

I apologize.

New chapter is up, just waiting on proofread.

THis story made me erect.

I demand more. So sayeth lord satan.

>>540654540654

There is a new chapter, I'm waiting for it to be proofread, just sent it off an hour ago.

Anyway, have you expanded to different fandoms yet?

>>540673540673 not yet, Right now I'm hammerd and I just trolled mehrunes dagon (the fimfiction one) greatly. ALso you should ad a sekssy scene of clop yhuj7jjumunhgbvf  bnhbhnjb        j k7u

>>540709540709

Nope, no clop.

You know what you should do. you should go to wall mart (assuming you live in america) and buy 300 or so 'Morning glory' seeds (Heavenly blue variety as non others will work) wash them to get rid of the pesticides, then eat them. you will trip off your balls, I did that last Wednesday (I think it as Wednesday) sat playing Skyrim for 8 and a half hours and was still fucked up by the end of it, my pupils were fully dilated and I was experiencing euphoria. What was pretty awesome was that 3 hours into the trip, it reached the peak and everything began becoming distorted, I was looking at a wall and seeing shit, I just sat with my mouth open in amazement while listening to music.

I highly recommend you try it, it's a cheap and safe high that's not addictive or detrimental to your brain. one thing though, if you do plan on doing that, the skin on the seeds causes minor nausea.

edit: these seeds contain LSA which is basically a weaker form of LSD, they make LSD from LSA btw. anyway, if you do it you'll not feel anything for the first hour, then it'll kick in. I recommend it, it was awesome.

- reaction after reading the first part - ........... THE F*** IS GOING ON?!?!

Another great chapter! The dream was was a bit  odd, and i didnt realise until applejack had a shotgun,

Surprised it took me that long, >____>

^^^Fixed the spelling and grammer, :P

Also didnt surprise me with rainbow and ajs drinking contest, seems like it could happen!

>>541031541031

it was a dream.

lol, you uploaded the original, not the corrected one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYc05gZFly0

>>541136541136

Apologies, I could not be bothered to reformat it, I know, it was a real Dick move.. you'know what, can we just stick to you writing a comment and me updating the story, perhaps I could link you to the newest chapter before I published it.

What can I do to improve my writing beside grammar? longer chapters? better characterization? Am I doing anything wrong? feel free to tell me.

>>541189541189 I have absolutely no problems with just commenting. I'm just glad to be along for the ride, after all. The real reward for me is that you learned some things from that proof-read chapter. It doesn't matter to me if you don't even put it up, as long as you learned something from it.

Nice chapter, a proof-reader is still needed, but it's fine if we don't count the minor errors it have.

But why do he need to f*ck things up? Thinking logically for a few seconds could save him from things like the incident with Twi....

But whatever...

MOAR

>>535887535887

fuqing SUPRISE! THE FLY HAS RETURNED...

*BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUM*

>>541807541807

It's just a part of his character, he doesn't think before acting. Ever.

Edit: also any suggestions as to what should go on at the party.

THINGS IN THIS THAt makes this awsome

1 THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBLED

2 palidans

3 THE FLY?!?!/`

Were you stoned when writing the first part?

*Me reading the first part*

Image: http://mediabeast.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/rage-face-600x350.png

*Me reading the rest*

Image: http://images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2862-Me_Gusta.png

LOVE the story.  However, I am giving it a thumbs down until you clean up AT LEAST the capitalization errors.  How hard is it to capitalize the first letters of sentences and the ponies' names?  Poor Dashie... not even given capital letters...