• Member Since 13th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Super Trampoline


"Of all the terrible batponies in the world, you're the least terrible."~PresentPerfect🐴Ponk & GlimGlam are best ponies🐴Text 714-496-3119 with the name of an MLP character to get a cute picture!

Comments ( 23 )

Well written perhaps but i still feel like i was trolled when it was revealed to be the... I can't take the... seriously.

Though i kinda should have expected this from your blog posts.

4859555 can you [spoiler ] that [/spoiler ], since a lot of people read comments before they read the story. Thanks. (Just get rid of the spaces between the brackets) Bao bao bao!

4859570 i edited it to remove it.

I figured out who it was about halfway through the story. This just confirms my belief that THEY might very well be the most frightening villains that ponies have ever faced.

And I thought that the season 7/season 8 bit was a nice touch too.

About 3/4 of the way through, I just got tired of the constant "resistance is futile" business and skipped to the end to confirm that, yes, I had indeed seen the reveal coming from a mile off.:ajbemused:

What really gets me is the amount of thought you seem to have put into this story, only to force all those promising ideas into the background so you could get on with setting up your punchline. And ironically, it's the presence of these ideas that warrants giving the story a thumbs-down: you should know better than this, man.

4869165 yeah, with this one, I had a cool idea and then didn't really know how to execute it properly. Thank you very much for the honest feedback.

Couple of technical things:
"... oblivious to that that goes on around you."
I think that's a bit awkward. Substituting "that which" or "almost all" has the same impact.

"There is no perhaps to your curiosity."
I don't think that's how you're supposed to use that word. "end" works,

"Perhaps you have heard of the many creatures she slayed."
Slew works.

Great characterisation, and frankly it's an interesting take on Smooze being more than a directable force.
A.G.

4908830 thank you very much for the corrections. I'll edit it when I'm more awake and not on my phone. :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Super Trampoline deleted Aug 27th, 2014

4909210
*Looks into the distance.* "So evil is bound for another generation." *Flies off into the sunset,*
A.G.

now THIS is the Smooze i want.

4869165 As someone who doesn't know anything about the smooze except for what's already in fanfiction, I thought this was pretty good. Not amazing, but damn if it didn't make me shiver. Maybe. Well, it didn't, but I was somewhere in that vicinity.

Seriously though, this was terrifying. It might have been done a million times before, and some people might have done this better, but it's not less chilling for it. It still earns a gold star for being scary regardless of the smooze twist at the end.

5122856 wow, that's high praise. Thank you. :pinkiehappy:

4869165 looking back through the comments, I realize I never asked you: how would you have done this differently?

5332652
This, frankly, I should like to hope I wouldn't have done at all. If I had as clear a vision of this future Equestria and the characters inhabiting it as your background detailing implies, I'd have written about them instead.

...I couldn't help but read this all out loud while impersonating Harlan Ellison's narration for AM from I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream... disregarding periods into one long run-on stream of psychotic consciousness full of off key cadence and unnecessary emphasis...

That is to say I really enjoyed reading this.

6252534 glad you liked it! Thanks for reading. :pinkiehappy:

Thus spoke the Smooze, but THEY, for all THEIR enforcement of the inevitability of the eternal, dark nothingness of death, THEY failed to realize one crucial fact.

In strange aeons, even death may die, and the aeons THEY have endured have been very strange indeed.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Video don't work no more. :B

The note in description about when this takes place kind of... keeps it from making any sense. If we remove it from current canon, that punchline hits pretty hard. :D

8339247
Haha this was written when that was a far off time. I'll need to update it.

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