My first Fic (dabbled in small shorts in Warhamer battlereports only really) so please comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated. Greatly inspired by the two pictures done by Moe (one of which is used in this story )

“Who there? Show yourself!”

Aboce it two small eyes stared defiantly ahead.

the pony noticed was a distict lack of hair

Only 3 spelling/grammar mistakes. <-- Grammar Nazi at work.

Good story with decent description and narration. I wish to see more of this, consider yourself watched. By a stalker

This is something, indeed!

Damn good start for a story, hope it continues to be as good as it is now.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of this story.

First, minor grammar stuff. Both are very pedantic. "Looking around the mare sighed before resuming her treck ahead into the gloom .It didn’t matter now,"

1. Technically treck is supposed to be trek but really that is debatable. 2. Also, just fix the period position.

Now to the actual stuff. I'm a sucker for humans in Equestria stories (writing my own even,) and I must say that your description really pulled me in and that this was a great prologue. Both piqued my curiosity. I can't wait to see how you fit humans into the past of Equestria. (Hopefully either good, ambiguous, or understandably bad.) It's something I wanted to see stories address. Can't wait to see what happens next.

this is being followed for the epic cover art

It's got potential.

Not bad. Kind of reminds me of the fic I have in the works. I'll still track this.

~Jack

Wow, this is pretty good.

Keep it up!

Looks good

Hope humans aren't made so cut n dry like most fics make them

I don't want another "humans are bad" or "humans are good" thing, you need both the good and the bad

>>448392448392

Couldn't agree more. Too many Hitler VS. Jesus like stories out there. IT's cool when there are many characters and motivations.

almost no mistakes and great story..FAVORITE. and watch

>>447773447773 Grammar Nazis make the writing world a better place!

Great concept, I eagerly await more!

>>447394447394>>448047448047

Thanks you two, mistakes fixed.

To the others thanks for the kind words. Its nice to hear especially if you're like me and easily become overly critical about my own work ( I was half tempted to rewrite the prologue so many times since i thought it stunk). Hopefully the first chapter will be up later today if video games dont distract me.

I'm definitly tracking this!

I liked it but up at the top "through the poniesmind" it should be pony’s

thats a dam good thumbnail "wallpapered"

You have my attention.

Nice Opening, looking forward to seeing where it goes.

A very cool start to what sounds like a good story. Tracked for good measure....

Through The Fire And The Flames - Dragonforce

Also, how did the mother of all Thresher Maws learn how to use a keyboard?

I looked up at the top and... Holy crap. Featured already? On Friday the 13th no less.  That certainly says something.

>>448620448620 I know the feel. I went through somewhere around 10 major drafts (and dozens of tiny edits) before putting my first few chapters up. Sometimes you just got to remember that the critical eye means you will be far harsher to your story than anyone else could ever be. While it does lead to doubt, obviously the positive results of that self-critique show... and now back to ponies.

If this doesn't tern into a massive conflict of so kind......(finishes reading )....shit just got real

DAMN, CLIFFHANGER! I can't wait to see where you take this, hardly ever am I interested in a prologue especially in the 1000 words region, but you sir, deserve it. Fave and a track, thumbs up? Of course

Ooooo, this is an interesting premise.

Very intriguing prologue... Alright, I'm hooked. Please continue

Curse these fimfics they drive me to insomnia

Hmm....This....is in accordance with my interests. Carry on, chap!

>>448077448077

agreed.

Cliff...hanger?

THE RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE

YES YES YES I can already tell DIS GUN BE GUD!

Again thanks for the kind words everyone, i hope i can continue to exceed the expectations you all seem to have placed in me. I'm currently working on chapter one and should have it up tomorrow (possibly). And wow. Featured already? I don't know what to say.

As for those of you wondering how a thresher maw can use a keyboard... What do you all think i did with that reaper? Ate it? Ugh, no no, i turned it into my new personal computer.

Now this looks promising... Tracked.

There are a few mistakes here and there. But now that your story got featured, finding a pre-reader might be something to look for.

I like where this is going. Let's see what you bring us!

I'm interested, that's for sure. Can't say much more from what is here. Tracked and I'll be watching for more. Keep up the good work.

Also, Mass Effect 3 reference name. Nice.

Hmm, I really like this concept, but this needs some editing.  Lots of little errors here and there, though nothing too serious.

I am thoroughly impressed and will be watching.    

666 views...

MUST READ.

EDIT: Interesting.

Anybody who reads my The Other Side, stop reading my comment here.

I see we have humans in Equestria's past in both of our stories, and the relations were not all pleasant...

My reaction:

Image: http://static.fimfiction.net/images/avatars/24424_128.jpg

Interesting prologue.... let's see if you can make it as good as I expect it to be.

>>447773447773

Teh gramma natsis dey es keeling us wit dere supah grammah skeels

This is looking interesting. Keep it up.

Very interesting concept and prolouge. Cant wait for the next instalment.

y u stop so soon??

Grammar needs a bit of work, but otherwise, you have my attention.

Wow, this beginning seems very interesting. Tracked!

I think i just shoot a nigga out mah arse. Tracking...

Well, there were a few errors, but none of those are really bad and I think they have been pointed out above already. The story itself seems very promising, so keep up the good work!

I could have sworn i make some edits last night before bed but it seems they were not saved. (Didnt realize you had to click the save button) That'll teach me not to work with things half awake -.- Bunch of grammar mistakes fixed. Thx fvdf for you help. Chapter one is complete but probably needs editing so... yeah

Lord please let it not be "Humans are evil and Ponies are good". This has too much potential to be wrecked by a overdone plot. I pray to the almighty author in the sky that this not be true.

>>447773447773 GET OUT OF HERE STALKER! Brohoof if you guess the reference right :D

I agree with Koudou. This is a good start for a fanfic. It could have used a little more build up before the meeting with the Guardian, but still enough for a track. But please, think this through; don't rely to heavily on cliches. That is the fastest way to kill interest.

Not really a lot here for the level of enthusiasm shown.

I wonder how many gave a thumbs up for the prolouge, and how many gave a thumbs up for the picture?

I like it.

Dis is perfect! Go on and make more! Godspeed and goodluck.

MOOOOAAAAARRRRRararRARaraRraraRraRARraRARrAA

>>447394447394

don't want to sound rude , but i felt it worth mentioning that in the sentence "“Who there? Show yourself!” the mare called out looking around franticly trying not to let the fear she felt show in her voice."

you forgot to put an s at the end of "whos"

other than that, awesome story, and i can't wait to read more. =3

I'm getting flashbacks to that one episode of Star Trek with Picard and the flute...

I look forward to seeing where this goes. And why didn't Celestia dispatch somepony with the researcher (who's probably bit not definitely Twilight) to prevent precisely this?

This maybe the greatest fanfic evar

Shitstorm

Image: http://th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/036/9/5/incoming_shitstorm_by_anquietaspony-d4oqvuc.png

prepare for it

>>447773447773

You're a grammar Nazi but you missed the glaring "ponies" > "pony's" error in the second darn sentence?

ಠ_ಠ

>>454191454191

Hard to see mistakes when you've been finding errors till 4 in the morning.

bueno

I'm waiting....dazzle me

"Dark. That was the first thought to run through the ponies mind as she made her way through the dusty hallways beneath the royal palace."

Protip: Ponies refers to multiple ponies and is the proper plural. Example: confound these ponies they drive me to drink!

the correct term is "pony's mind" the 's shows possession.

*sighs, rubs eyes* Okay, this fic...doesn't look particularly promising. The technical errors, while not nearly as prevalent in this fic as they are in others, detract largely from the story; so much so, in fact, that I couldn't concentrate on the story as much I would have liked because I was searching for the next inevitable mistake. I would highly recommend that you seek out a decent proofreader.

The premise itself is fairly common. Humans used to be part of Equestrian society until such and such event X happened, or we were cast out for affiliating with Nightmare Moon, or we were too chaotic and sent away, etc, etc, and the only remaining human was Y who was trapped in stone for Z many years until our friend Twilight Sparkle discovers Y while reseaching some historic topic in the Canterlot vaults. Give me a break from the cliche, why don't you?

All in all, I think that this is will prove to be a fic easily forgotten.

Challenge yourself, and prove me otherwise.

>>454474454474

Your grammar nazi: It needs work.

I like this so far. It just needs some work to get it to flow better. This could be really good if you spend some quality time developing the human's side of the story and back it up with good, sound logic. I agree that most of the human fics are way to predictable and lack a lot of luster because the human characters are too flat. Just keep an eye out for pesky loopholes. I enjoyed the fact that you didn't come right out and say the unicorn was Twilight at the beginning, but I almost wish it wasn't her. Almost.

If you haven't already planned this out to the end, I would highly suggest you do so. That will help with supporting anything you decide to do, especially since you want to fill in back story for an entire world.

Nice start, the Part with the Statue reminded of the fic Human and that fic is great!

That's one way to start a story lol. Good job

Interesting.  I would like to see more.

On the cover art... is that... a free-mason symbol... They're everywhere! By the way, nice story. I be tracking dis

Right, sorry for the delay but finally I'm getting this show on the road Hope you all like it

It's been so long I forgot the plot to this.

Heh. Plot.

HAVE A DASHIE

Image: http://i.imgur.com/Hf7DQ.gif

Nice job.....looks like shit's about to hit the fan

Well this is going to get interesting.

Epic. Humans find out about ponys, legion got game, and that other guy, joespth, is screwed by the pounds. Good job and get the next chapter finshed. Godspeed and goodluck

This is really cool, great work.

Oh right. This is back when the pegasi were more of a warrior race (such an odd thing to hear ponies equated with).....Oh by Celestia's fat flanks, I think I see where this is going. Pegasi are aggressive warriors and unicorns believe they are better because they control the sun and moon ( I still want to know how Luna and Celestia fit into that story in canon) whereas the humans mistrust magicians with such an attitude.

Cool so far. Not sure what's going on other than one guy is missing, one is being taken away, and one is knocked out, but I like the prospects of this. Keep up the good work!

>>470458470458

While not wanting to spoil things too much i think you'll find in the next chapter that Unicorns have been taken down a few pegs. And yeah, humans have a deep distrust of magic that kinda dug itself deep into their psyche. They still have magic users but they are kept at a distance (kinda understandable when they used to rule like tyrants)

----SPoilers---- (Kinda :P )

As for the Alicorn sisters dont expect much about them anytime soon. Part 2 will have them, part one is mostly about the joining, unification and whole hooblah when the two species meet. Part two revolves around Discord, and Part three is the Nightmare wars

>>470563470563

*Coughspoileralertsortofcough*

This is extremely cool. Portrayed in a great way with action to boot. Great job!

I know this is supposed to be serious, but I couldn't help but laugh when the guy ran away and thought.  (he was still afraid the Zebras would one day come for him to finish the job)

No offense against you or the story, i just can't read that without laughing

Yet another amazing chapter

Sincerely the Doctor

>>470274470274 this is my 4th favorite fic on this site has a chance to be 3rd but ill need to read the hole fic first

Ooooo, I like the look of where this is going.

i have a feeling there was some great war but how would humans lose unless they left but I'm pretty sure 2 legs 2 arms awesome armor magic and machines would win against ponys I'm pretty sure 1 can take at least 5 down

Here comes the epic. Good job can't wait for more.

this is good please do not stop it any time soon

for if you do, you will be in for a tirade of impavid amplitude suffused with a superfluity of periphrastic phraseology

Isnt a human stronger than a pony? At least these kind of ponies?

>>471296471296 Says who? Pegasi, at this point, are the pony's army. They have to be strong, because they have to fight the monsters and other things who eat ponies.

Most likely humans are stronger then earth ponies in a straight up fight where they are prepared and human mages are stronger then unicorns in combat.  Pegasi however can fly and humans most likely can't at least without a spell, so they would hold a slight advantage there.  These guys were basically caught with their pants down and zero understanding of what ponies are, so it isn't a surprise they folded over easily.  

>>472919472919 Also consider that the two men who got beat up are nothing but criminals living alone. One is a thief and the other is a serial murderer, only one with any sort of combat experience is Bragg and he has serious ptsd issues with anything resembling a zebra

Halfway done chapter two so yeah...

EDIT: Also humans are about the same as ponies in the strength department. With earth ponies being a bit tougher and pegasi weaker but making up for it in agility. If you've ever spent time around a horse or a pony in real life you'll find they are incredibly strong creatures

Nice chapter. Good to know the next one is well on it's way too. I was wondering if you were still working on this.

Ow. Fuck, that was a pain.

Okay, I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Get yourself a damn proofreader, or edit your own work to something better than this crap. Your technical errors in this chapter are far more abundant and much more noticeable, and made the entire thing a pain to read. So, for the sake of emphasis through repetition, get yourself a damn proofreader!

Secondly, your use of cliches is...tiring. At best, this story is unoriginal. At worst, the cliches themselves define the story and the characters, which would explain why the characters are so shallow. Yuck.

Continuing, you leave out far too many details for this to be considered particularly well-written, even ignoring your errors. Where's some decent background info? Some interesting flashback? A more detailed explanation of who the fuck these idiots camping out in the woods are? Background info would help this story immensely, because you aren't doing very well with simply thrusting your readers into the world headfirst. Also, your timeline needs more work. Fix it.

>>471040471040

...Need I point out that this is occuring in a timeline where humans seem to be in a pre-industrial state, so the machines you worship are unlikely to show up anytime soon? Better yet, hopefully never, as far as this fic goes.

>>471291471291

I'd advise that you ignore anything this fellow types from this point forward.

>>472919472919

You are a moron, in certain respects. I'd like you to have a look at yourself; tell me, what defensive/sturdy features do you notice about yourself? The correct answer is: nothing. Humans are extremely ill-equiped in terms of natural strengths and advantages. We have no claws or effectively sharp teeth, we are weak relative to most animals in existence, and our bodies have multiple inefficiencies. Our only redeeming quality is our extremely developed intelligence; if we had only our instincts to rely on, with none of our sentient/higher functions to put to use, our species would be doomed to extinction very quickly. The simple fact of the matter is that humans are weak. Your assertion that a human would be capable of taking on an Earth pony is nonsensical, to say nothing of a human taking on a normal, average pony from Earth.

However, I do have some grudging agreement regarding the unicorns vs the mages. Human intellect would grant us an advantage, especially if such was in conjunction with militaristic purposes in mind. However, you mustn't forget that the unicorns are a species that evolved with magic, and use it on a daily basis. They are, by their very nature, magical, and are likely to be much more in tune with that magic than a human. Not to mention that they have their horns to use as a focal point.

>>473633473633 what? I was just going to Sheldon-troll him once

guess nopony likes my trolling ways

*runs away*

>>473668473668

Kiddo, you really have no idea what real trolling is, do you?

I, for one, am a relatively decent troll when I wish to be. I can be irritating, insulting, arrogant, whatever I feel is necessary to piss others off to the point where they start giving off lulz. Trolling is the art of pissing others off, and laughing at them for getting annoyed; if all else fails, it can make for some interesting debates. A fairly good troll could put anything you've said so far to shame.

Hell, I could put anything you've said so far to shame.

...And no, no one does. The Rarity emote doesn't help, either. -_-;

>>473633473633

I do have someone prereading the chapters, but as far as the technical errors go both of us must be unaware of them. If you want to give me an idea of what you mean then send me a pm ^^ (Im not asking for a whole proofread, just a couple examples.)

The Cliches: Again i must be missing something. I havn't encountered anything on the site with a similar idea. If your talking about characterization then you may have a point.

Lack of Details: I kinda do this on purpose. Chapter two does have more info provided on the history on the pony side of things. And ill take your suggestions in account.

Also if you could kindly refrain from insulting others here? Calling users morons isn't very nice.

I am rather curious as to why you're commenting here anyway? From what i can tell you seem to despise HiE stories.