I wanna see if you can change it
In the front room of Fluttershy’s cottage, a pony and a rabbit stared each other down. The latter tapped a paw against the floor in impatience. His other paws were all wrapped in gauze, as was much of his body.
“Oh, Angel,” Fluttershy said. “What am I going to do with you? I know you don’t like Mr. Wolf, but he has a right to come here when he’s hurt, just like all my other animal friends. He can’t help it that he eats meat, and he doesn’t hunt near the cottage. He follows the rules, unless someone makes him angry.”
Angel sat perfectly still and continued to glare at her. She glared--or rather, Stared--right back.
“Don’t give me that look, mister! He could have eaten you up if he wanted to! You have to stop picking fights with animals who’re bigger than you!”
Angel wasn’t currently mobile enough to look away, so he had no choice but to keep looking into her eyes. After about ten seconds, he gave in and nodded.
Fluttershy sighed. “In a few months, you’ll pick another fight, and then you’ll get hurt again. The Stare can make you sorry, but it can’t make you change. I just wish I knew what else to do . . .”
A wave of purple magic blasted through the cottage. It passed right through the walls, not affecting anything inanimate. Angel felt a mild tingle, but was otherwise unfazed. Fluttershy, however, passed out from the worst pain of her life.
She wasn’t sure how long it took for her to wake up and rise from the floor. Angel hadn’t had enough time to find something to throw at her, but with all his bandages, there weren’t many things he could lift.
“What . . .” Fluttershy droned.
She shook her head to try and clear out the confusion, and found it strangely light, as if her mane had vanished or burned away. She swore she could hear something sloshing inside herself, like her body was no longer solid.
Fluttershy spun around to check the mirror behind her, and saw . . . And saw . . .
The former pegasus leapt backwards, instinctively fleeing from herself, but realized that she would land on Angel. She buzzed her wings frantically to divert her path, and wound up in a tangled heap on the floor.
Dozens of thoughts buzzed through her mind at once, each interrupting the next. Half of them cut off at the word "change," preventing it from finishing with another syllable. If she weren't already on the floor, she would certainly have collapsed by now, reduced to a terrified black lump.
This couldn't be real. She wasn't one of those things. She had a home now, a life here. She fit in. Ponies liked her. They wouldn't have befriended a monster.
If her friends saw her like this, would they hate her? Would they mock her? Or would they just silently stare?
Trying not to hyperventilate, not certain if she even could, Fluttershy stared at the holes in her blackened leg. If she was really a--no, she couldn’t even think the name--then she should be able to disguise herself. Nopony would ever have to know.
At first, there was a hardness to her body, but it swiftly wore away. All she had to do was picture her old self, and she shifted as easily as breathing.
She picked herself up off the floor, and gazed into the mirror. She was Fluttershy, and she was hidden. She wouldn't draw anypony's notice. She stared into familiar blue eyes, hoping to stop shaking.
If fear alone had driven her, she would have calmed then. But the shy mare kept secrets even from herself, and at that moment, the deepest of them bubbled to the surface.
“Fluttershy,” she said in her own soft voice. “Twilight,” she said in Twilight’s cool tone. “Pinkie!” she cheered in a voice made for partying. “Eeyup,” she rumbled, low and firm.
On a sudden, strange impulse, she shifted her face as well, sculpting a more masculine jawline. She traced the change down her neck and into her torso, faking muscle under skin and fur--not excessive like Big Mac, but a more subtle strength.
She didn't know why she was doing this. The last few remnants of her conscious mind all urged her to stop. But she still had a picture in her head of Fluttershy the beautiful model, Fluttershy the beloved singer, Fluttershy the most attractive mare in Ponyville. Every time she noticed something in the mirror that reminded her of that pony, she had to change it.
When she was so transformed her own mother wouldn't have recognized her, the compulsion slowly faded, and she began to think again. The walls of her mind rebuilt themselves, and she lost what little understanding she'd felt of what she'd just done, and why she'd just done it.
It was just to disguise herself, she rationalized. She still felt like her insides had melted, but at least she could pass as a pony--and if somepony found her out somehow, they still wouldn’t know who she was.
If she wanted, she could hide there in the cottage and wait. Even in disguise, it would be dangerous to wander around Ponyville. But whatever had done this to her had come from the town. It had moved very fast, and she’d had no warning or time to prepare.
Fluttershy hadn't run out of fears yet. In fact, she was just getting started. Image after image pushed its way into her mind.
Rainbow Dash, trying out some new stunt, hit with a rush of pain that locked her wings up . . .
Pinkie Pie, stumbling forward while putting cupcakes in the oven . . .
Spike, reshelving a book at the very top of that rickety wooden ladder Twilight kept saying she would replace . . .
Fluttershy shook her head again, and she became even dizzier.
A moldy carrot struck the back of her head, and she finally remembered the white rabbit who'd been trying to get her attention for the past ten minutes. She turned to address him, a bit unsteady on new legs.
“Angel Bunny,” Fluttershy said, “would you please keep an eye--”
Angel thumped his good leg on the floor and gestured at his bandages.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t have time to get Harry Bear. My friends could be in really big trouble right now! Please, Angel, you have to take charge while I’m gone!”
Angel didn’t say anything, of course, but she could feel his determination. It hung in the air in front of her, like she could take a bite from it if she so desired. Instead, she nodded and headed for the door.
She didn’t know what was going on. To be honest, she was terrified. But there were ponies who needed her help.
-- -- -- --
Glass broke. Ponies screamed. And that plume of smoke over Sugarcube Corner was probably a fire.
Apple Bloom noticed none of it as she lay in the middle of the street and cried. The bow from her mane lay forgotten beside her, discarded when said mane had burned away to nothing.
Changeling. That was why she didn’t have a cutie mark. Why she’d never have one. Was she even an Apple? No, she couldn’t be--there was no way Applejack could be a changeling, and that meant she couldn’t have a changeling for a sister. Even if she was, a changeling couldn’t live in Ponyville--she was going to be banished to the Everfree Forest, or maybe even the Badlands. She’d never see her friends again . . .
In front of her, Roseluck stared in horror, having nearly crashed into her in a mad dash out of a side alley. Beside her, her fellow Crusaders looked baffled, but unafraid. Sweetie Belle silently touched her hoof to Apple Bloom’s back, trying to be comforting. Apple Bloom could feel her concern, ripe and juicy like a fresh apple, and the temptation to nibble it just made everything worse.
Roseluck’s eyes hardened, and she found her voice. “Get away from that thing!”
Scootaloo stared right back at her. “No way! She’s our friend!”
“I don’t really get what’s going on,” Sweetie Belle added, “but if she was some kind of changeling bad guy, she’d be putting us in cocoons.”
Roseluck pushed her face forward in a manner common to ponies who had attended Iron Will’s seminar. “You guard the changeling, you’re in for pain . . . um, ling!” She rushed directly at Scootaloo.
Most ponies would not have thought of Roseluck as intimidating. Granted, she was an earth pony who worked outside all day, and granted, she was half again Scootaloo’s height, but she was also one of the ponies who’d been terrified by a stampede of rabbits. But a bit of adrenaline can do impressive things, and Roseluck shouldered Scootaloo aside with no difficulty at all. She turned to kick Apple Bloom--
“WHAT do you think you’re DOING?” a blaring voice demanded.
None of them had noticed the strange earth pony approaching, and all of them stared in surprise. His fur was the bleached white of a royal guard, but he wore no armor and didn’t stand like a soldier. His rich red mane was long on one side, covering his right eye, and together with his short stature and lack of a cutie mark, he seemed very young. Nonetheless, he commanded their attention, if only for his voice. That bellowing, commanding, pee-yourself-and-hide-in-the-bushes voice.
“Where did you--” Roseluck attempted.
“Look at her!” the stranger yelled. “She’s crying!”
“I’m not crying!” Apple Bloom insisted, discreetly wiping at her eyes.
“She’s a monster!” Roseluck insisted. “A fiend! You can’t defend a changeling!”
“She’s a filly,” the stranger said, slowly advancing forward. “And she’s terrified! How dare you pick on her like this!”
“Don’t come any closer!” Roseluck yelled. She turned and looked at Apple Bloom, still sitting behind her. “Any closer, and I’ll--and I’ll . . .”
“Like hay you will!” Scootaloo protested.
The stranger stopped mid-stride. “No. I won’t . . .” He visibly composed himself. “This isn’t gonna work, is it?” he asked, the fire gone from his voice. “I can’t just yell at you when you’re scared, too. I promise I won’t hurt you if you don’t do anything to the filly. I just want her safe.”
“You’re a changeling, too!” Roseluck exclaimed. “You want your foal, don’t you? You can have her!” She turned tail and ran, disappearing around a corner.
The stranger approached Apple Bloom. “You’re Apple Bloom, right?” he asked. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” she sniffled. “Why’d you help me? I’m a changeling . . .”
The stranger smiled gently, and his compassion wrapped around her like a warm blanket. “You needed help, so I helped you. I don’t care if you’re a changeling or not.”
“Who are you, anyway?” Sweetie Belle asked. “I’ve never seen--”
A full-grown changeling crashed through a window, landing on her back in the middle of the street. The door to the building slammed open, and Blossomforth stormed out. “What did you do with Cherry Berry, changeling?” she shouted.
“I’m Cherry Berry!” the changeling insisted. “Please, you have to believe me!”
The stranger dashed off to help, leaving the fillies behind.
“Wow, he’s cool,” Scootaloo said.
Apple Bloom lifted herself up and dusted herself off. “He’s doing something,” she said, “and we’re just sitting here. There are probably a lot of ponies who’re in trouble right now, and maybe we can help them. We could be . . . Cutie Mark Crusader Search and Rescue!”
“Yay!” Sweetie Belle chorused.
“But you can’t--” Scootaloo began. “Uh, I mean, yay!”
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:o
:D
I am liking this chapter!
wow what a epidemics twilight caused.
hrmmmmm, i wonder who this unknown pony is? it wasn't Fluttershy, was it? i mean, you didn't expressly say whether she had changed back to her normal form or not
anyway, this is getting good! cannot wait for more
the sugar daddy of several generations of Ponyvillians has returned!
Yeeeaaaaaah!
this story is amazing!!
have 10 out of 5 spikes
(that's 200%)
Eh, it feels like Shy got used to the change ridiculously quickly. I figure at least one quick panic attack is in order.
Soon, the Applelings shall rise up and the glorious Apple Empire shall reign!
If pinkie is part changeling, shit will hit the fan!
4767222
Nope....Its the sugar daddy
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100923063106/starwars/images/7/78/Hk47portrait.jpg
Commentary: I see this meatbag has become aware of the inadequacies of her inferior organic nature.
4767355
x4.fjcdn.com/comments/Well+enough.+My+ship+s+been+screaming+for+a+static+discharge+_9708dd85b9f9c6fe9a713a2d080425ba.jpg
Quick question, the summary made it sound like the changeling-pony hybrids came down the Apple line of descent. So why does Fluttershy, who grew up in Cloudsdale like Dash, have changeling ancestry?
4767466
Possibly that he could gone to Cloudsdale and have 'fun; there.
4767277 You aren't the only one who thought one was in order.
4767466
Big Mac is so studly that just being around him lets him retroactively impregnate your mother. And your father. And your little dog, too.
And here we are faced with the writing issue that is most difficult to put into words: where to end the chapter. This chapter is too short for the pace you've set. It feels incomplete. We don't get a chance to get the emotions going. I'd rather wait for a good chapter than have a half-finished chapter now.
I'm not just begging for "moar". I'd have called you out if you had put the ending too late, too. Those ones are easier because I can point out alternative end points.
Don't get me wrong; what you do have is really good. It's simply falling short of its potential.
4767466
Clearly :
A) Grandaddy Changeling was a Playa and stopped in Cloudsdale to seed some clouds.
B) Spell is using Applejack as a base and randomly inflicting ponies regardless of genetics.
C) Fluttershy has some ancestry in Ponyville.
Likely C as around 500 years later the genetics would be everywhere.
A is also likely as that was what the original description kinda implied.
4766499
That entirely depends on the plot.
If its a story about how everyone has changeling ancestry and how, then the description is spoilerific.
If its a story about how everyone has to adapt to suddenly being full changelings then the backstory is not so critical a reveal.
So is it a "How is this possible?" story, or a "What do we do now?" story?
Yay, the second chapter! And it was just as good as the first! Now I can favourite this story without worrying that the first chapter was just a fluke! :D
4766499
Much. Now there are some big unanswered questions (in theory,) and thus a much bigger hook for new readers. I'm eagerly looking forward to more.
Oh the chaos! (insert evil Discord face here)
So, it sounds like they're like the Chameleonis. They've been disguised for so long that they've forgotten they were disguised at all.
Wait till they find out that most of Ponyville is Changelings.
4767250 4767353
Pretty sure he died long ago, and wouldn't have given a pluck even he he were there. That's probably actually Fluttershy, running off a combination of empowering anonymity (the same thing that helps create internet Trolls) and her famous Harmony-brand kindness.
4767578 I feel a little awkward asking this, but do you mean that there should be more events in the chapter, or do you mean that the events in the chapter should go slower and be more emotional?
(There are a lot of other comments I'm tempted to respond to, but I should probably step back and give the story room to breathe. Still, it feels like I've made a few mistakes already . . .)
4767144
For ponies and changelings to interbreed, they would need similar genetics, but for them to breed AND have fertile foals, they almost necessarily need to be the same species.
Furthermore, there is precedence on the show: the ponies are divided into three 'tribes': unicorns, earth ponies and pegasai (I count alicorns as anomalies). Due to the preference of powers of two in genetics and binary math, it would be easier for there to be four tribes than three, unless we went to My Little Pony Generations 1 & 2, were unicorns were a rarity, and therefore you could do a Mendelleian 1/3/4 or 1/1/6 spread, if not "worse". Given these, and given that ponies are one or the other or the other, then they all have the genes for the whole package, but a really small number of genes control the activation of one genetic expression or the other.
Therefore, if changelings can interbreed with ponies, there would be really small number of genes controlling whether a zygote grows into a pony or a changeling.
If you are concerned about her, change her name to Bon Bon. Bonnie is mostly a jerk in the show.
4767942 I mostly mean more events. "Slower and more emotional" would be good, too, but it just doesn't seem to be your style. Still, if you think of ways to make more of an emotional impact, go ahead and use them.
4767977 it does seem faster paced than it should be, but other than that it's fine.i
Chapter two is kinda hit-and-miss. The second main scene feels fine, but Fluttershy rapidly acclimating to the change seems way out-of-character. She's the last pony to work well under pressure. She might do well with things scary animals, but new situations, wherein she might be physically or mentally hurt, she crumbles like a stack of cards. I could accept this if she was chanigng to her old self out of panic, but she's obviously in control...
4768001 That will only make things worse...
4767277
She already had her allotted one-faint-per-chapter.
She's not Rarity, she doesn't get 90% discounts on all sudden-fainting-spell purchases.
4768238
Fluttershy has canonical basis for reacting at least semi-intelligently when presented with changelings.
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/133508257614.gif
And if you're wondering why she didn't freak out after finishing her experimentation (which probably calmed her), she thinks her friends might be hurt (and is probably right). And guess what? Fluttershy has canonical basis for ignoring fear in such situations!
31.media.tumblr.com/bb00e77ad55c2de2514fa1bf7ae985a7/tumblr_mhxlksY4Hj1s580feo6_250.gif
And if neither of those facts please you, just assume that this fanfic's version of Fluttershy is more intelligent and less of a complete coward than most writers write her.
4768238
4768486 I've rewritten that scene over and over to try to get an outcome where Fluttershy is a): realistically scared while b): not so scared that she'll just hide in her cottage. Neither of my prereaders were entirely happy with it, and from the sounds of it, Razalon still isn't, but I feel like I need to give up at this point. I do have another idea for how to rewrite (Fluttershy is totally petrified, but Angel snaps her out of it), but I think I already made the scene worse sometime around the last couple of rewrites, and I'm afraid I'll screw it up even more if I keep tinkering.
(This is pretty closely related to why it's taken me so long to write this story . . .)
4768535
It's a proven fact that constantly rewriting something just to please the vocal minority lowers the quality with each rewrite past the first in a short period of time.
Case in point, I've lost count of how many times I've edited this comment, thinking "no I shouldn't say that" or "no I need to say more."
Do as I do, and catch yourself when you realize you're going too far. Then drop it, post-it as-is, and if it truly is bad, then you can fix it.
4768535
Your best bet is to find something that you're happy with and your editors can live with. As an editor I want to say to strive for internal consistency first, then canon adherence. As long as you can maintain the former, go for the latter. Otherwise, just try to make her personality/reaction make sense within your story.
I, for one, thought this chapter was brilliant
and I'd rather have short and sweet chapters that update often, than long chapters that take forever to write (like the ones I write, unfortunately).
4768486
Fluttershy also has a second-tier canonical basis for ignoring fear when faced with a marvel of nature:
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/518/183/5db.png
4768535
It's odd for Fluttershy - who is originally from Cloudsdale - to be a demiling, but I can accept that.
What's harder to accept is Fluttershy experimenting. I could understand her trying frantically to restore her normal appearance, and getting progressively worse results due to her state of panic.
I could also accept her being too afraid to go out looking like herself, because that's an irrational but understandable reaction.
This thing where she panics, then decides to play dress-up before the shocking realization overcomes her panic? Yea, not buying it. It doesn't read well, and it doesn't fit her established behavior.
It was a nice chapter, but the Fluttershy scene was rushed, and even somewhat out of character. Fluttershy, after having woken up again, should be absolutely terrified, which she is, for maybe a minute or so. But, where one to expect her to curl up in a ball, and hide away from her reflection, she, instead, start to experiment with her transformation, which she doesn't even know how to use. So, her suddenly being able to just transform like that, just doesn't sound believable. It would have made more sense if she was able to partially transform her appearance, while other portions of her body remained a changeling, but that is just what I think.
Still, it was a fun read, and I eagerly await more.
a bit short but eh, so far so good.
4768641 4768669 Hmm . . . There was one line I removed in an earlier revision. I've restored it now. Bolded, with context:
If fear alone had driven her, that would have been enough. She’d proven that she could still be Fluttershy, even while she was also Flutterling. But the shy mare kept secrets even from herself, and at that moment, the deepest of them bubbled to the surface.
I hope that helps at least a little.
Edit: I think I finally figured out how to fix this. I'll wait until morning--it's no good writing tired--and then I'll do some choice revision.
Pseudonymous, if you want a beta reader position, it's yours.
4768486
Both were situations where 'Shy had plenty of forewarning about the danger. She expected to fight changelings, and did her...best. It was still pretty cowardly, but it worked for her.
The dragon? She did her very best for 90% of the episode to HIDE. She is not a brave pony, but she knows when she has to put aside her cowardice to help her friends. She knows she's weak, as she says to Discord.
This time was different, though. Shy WILL avoid conflict at all cost, and presented with a surprise will shatter. Her S4 personality still supports this, even if her threshold for COMPLETE TERROR has risen considerably.
That's moot point, though, because the author has a new version in the works, and even the line he added to this one changes a lot of the meaning behind her moment of action. Jordan179 much?
4768653
Nah, that has to do with wild animals. She's just as bad with any sort of bloodthristy(emotovoric?) monster as she is with the next, but if it's "wild" she's your go-to mare.
4768990
Well, have fun never getting a new chapter as you constantly tell the author his Fluttershy is wrong and he needs to rewrite this one, then.
[/only half joking]
I do hope that you'll explain where in her family tree Fluttershy's family got the changeling genes mixed in, because, despite the plausible theories I already see, it still stands out as a possible error since Fluttershy is from Cloudsdale.
4766499
Not really.
Having the background in neither the description nor the first chapter draws attention to the mystery of it. That is only good if you plan to do something interesting with the mystery, and if that was the case, you would presumably have seen the problem with the description yourself.
Having it in the description but not the first chapter means a different reading experience depending on whether you read the description or not, which I, at least, do not consider a good thing either. But I suppose that depends on what role you think the description should play for works like this.
If your current plans permit it, I would advise you to consider permanently dropping the idea that all the changeling ancestry in circulation originates from a single changeling, though. Figuring out how that could or could not work is fun, but as far as I have seen so far, that idea and your story add nothing of value to each other.
4763460
False.
One branch dieing out does not in any way prevent another branch from reaching 100%.
The prediction value of statistics increases with population size. What does not work for you and your mother will still work well enough for Ponyville.
By the standards of accuracy you would need to apply in order for your previous statements to be valid invalidations of anything, this is false. If even one gives birth at 10, all others can give birth at exactly 14 and it would still work.
The only reasonable way that the number of descendants could be 20% for one generation and not closer to 10% in the previous one is if something (a ridiculously thoroughly maintained exogamy taboo in some subset of the population, systematic intervention by a deranged trickster god, an instinct preventing all descendants from reproducing as long as the hive is above threshold size, the invisible hand of the author...) prevents the number from growing.
I do not like seeing too much of the invisible hand of the author.
If this is a matter of genetics rather than something more similar to viral infection, the proportion of the population carrying a particular gene will not grow at all between generations, except by coincidence or selection. The proportion of the population carrying at least one of several genes, on the other hand, will increase initially, as the changeling heritage is diluted into the general pony population, and then stabilize, but it will stabilize at 1-(1-P)^G, where P is the proportion that the first generation constituted of the total pony population, and G is the number of relevant genes, so one or both of these would have to be absurdly high in order for it to stabilize on 20%. (Well, unless all the information needed to turn a pony into a changeling is contained in the spell, rather than the genome of the target, and any of 25000 changeling genes (current estimate of human genome) could trigger it. I am just barely willing to believe that a changeling could father 9 ppm of one generation of ponies, if Equestria and the pony species are a bit smaller than I usually imagine them. But that feels like it changes the point of the story.)
I can see two more ways that 20% as the proportion of affected ponies could be reasonable (and, of course, the standard warning about treating the limits of my imagination as limits of possibility applies).
First, the condition might not be truly genetic, but (for example) viral, and transmitted to offspring more than 50% of the time, but (much) less than 100%. (Though a virus transmitted only to offspring would certainly be an odd thing.)
Second, the genes that cause the vulnerability to the spell might be subject to some kind of selection mechanism. They might, for example, give access to information about the emotional state of potential partners that lets the carriers make better decisions on how to approach them, making those carriers less likely to die childless. Such things will normally still reach 100% eventually, but the spread will be quite slow compared to descendance.
Of course, with the number removed from the description, this discussion has lost some of its relevance.
Wonder who else is changeling....
4767805
Yeah, but in the end, who cares, baby!
Maybe I can get mah cutie mark in bein' a Changelin'!
CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CHANGELING HORDE! YAY!
4767256 I'd give 6/5. That way its... 20% COOLER!!!
4767805 i don't think so. the description mentioned (before it was apparently changed) that a changeling left her hive and live as a pony. the spell probably made all her descendants into ponies
Twilight Sparkle bucks things up as pare usual.
T