A seemingly average man in an dull life receives a Unicorn's horn, a magician's cape, and an ancient journal from his now-dead great grandfather after being lost in the postal service for more than 30 years. With only a few hints and a limited store of magic in a world that otherwise lacks magic completely he seeks to know the truth about his family's legends, and his heritage.
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This fic was written back before the episode with Iron Will was aired, so expect a few things to be different from what is canon with the show.
This fic was also written back before the 5-character-icon-limit was put into effect, so there may be a few more 'main' characters other than what is listed here.
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While the story itself is complete, as readers find errors and point them out to me I'll be going back occasionally to fix them. Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. The direct sequel is now in the works, as to the alternate continuation that lost the vote at the end if anyone cares to read it. I may or may not also work on that one from time to time depending on my mood.
This fic is getting interesting! Heh, I can't wait to see what happens next.
There is a few spelling and grammar errors here and there, but overall the story is quite good.
OMG!! I need more!!. Excellent story, please dont let it die. I dont know why but every fanfic that i start reading gets discontinued. fml
Hmmm... This is actually a fairly solid start. A word of advice: try to avoid the whole "main characters can't solve problem, OC to the rescue!" pitfall. You've only had it twice now, and both of them were sort of debatable if they really qualify (well, in my mind at least), but it's just one of the major issues that I've noted in fanfictions. Not that I particularly think you'll do that. I've just been rather upset by several fanfics I enjoyed because they started pulling those sort of shenanigans, and I rather hope this one won't.
I thought the dragon WAS killed in Equestria.
Being that RD and two other pegasi were present, presumably on (at least) the Equestrian side of the boarder of Everfree forest. Which I would think is Equestrian territory as well considering it houses the ruins of the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters.
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True (concerning the ruins), but the only Pony that lives there now (as far as the TV series is concerned) is Zecora (unless that changes in the future). If the sisters had actually cared about that area any longer then they would have moved back in or at least fixed it up. From what I've seen, Everfree is a rather dangerous place. If it were still part of their territory, would it not be patrolled if only to keep anypony that chose to enter it safe?
As to RD and the two Pegasi, they were moving the storm cloud so that Equestria would not be hit by the storm. While in the show it seems that clouds do not move on their own (or at least not as much as they do here), I assumed that they still formed naturally. If this is the case in the show then they would want to move it to someplace where there would be almost no danger of it hurting anypony which is what I had them doing.
The concept for this story is fairly original(not a twilight messed up a spell) I would say for a human in Equestria fic and now I'm curious to see how Celestia and Jacob get along.
Aaaaaaaaaaand tracking.
Nice story, though you managed to butcher Applejack's accent.
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Sorry, text-fying accents was never my strong point. ^_^u
Along with punctuation placement that didn't involve periods and sometimes commas...and writing 'ie' instead of ei' in the case of 'ceiling'. (I had to do a lot of corrections for that one).
Any idea how I can improve on that?
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
this is an awesome story, very unique, and fun to read!
Id recommend this to anyone! And on that note
FFFING CLIFFHANGERS!
I'm liking the story so far, and will be eagerly awaiting future updates. I like that you are including the reactions of the main character's family to his disappearance, something a lot of other HiE fics seem to ignore. I also like how morally good humanity has been, with a few exceptions (ancient allies of ponies, not enemies), with a few exceptions. The main character still seems to be a little more harsh with his fellow humans than I think is necessary, but then I am an optimist and a humanist. On a related note: The fact that gems are incredibly common and/or renewable in Equestria would not necessarily mean humanity would go crazy from greed. In most situations where supply is that high, the value assigned to the particular good goes down. For example, the gems in the mlp universe seem nearly as common as say, leaves or rocks (non-gem rocks, that is) in ours. We generally don't assign much value to something that easy to obtain. In fact, since the races of Equestria seem to attach such little value to gems, it would probably be easier and even cheaper to simply open trade with the ponies, rather then waste the resources invading and setting up expensive mining operations. Even if (or especially if) humans WERE greedy, immoral bastards, it seems more likely they would simply establish trade agreements rather then waste far more time and money only to achieve the same ends just of the sake of being "evil".
Of course, the most notable counterexample of the rule that the more common something is the less it is worth is the diamond industry, where the monopolies charge far more for diamonds than they theoretically should be worth, so Jacob's concern might be somewhat justified...
Also, about the dragons in your fic: Can you provide a rough estimate of their total population? I mean, since you noted that it took a score or so humans to kill one with medieval weaponry, I assume it would take far fewer with modern weaponry. With the current human population being approximately 7 billion, I don't see the dragon having any sort of a chance. At all. At worst they would be a minor nuisance to humanity. It would be interesting to see what the dragons' reaction would be if Jacob revealed this fact.
Not really important/relevant, but as someone who is a big proponent of transhumanism and technological advancement, there was something I was wondering:
Since the horn does not need to be attached to a unicorn/alicorn to work, might it be possible with current or near-future bioengineering to grow horns artificially for human use? Mass produced horns of variable magical strength... The possibilities would be pretty much limitless (and yes, it seems absurd that I am discussing the ramifications of the physical laws of a fanfiction's universe, but that's the kind of person I am). If mlp magic can be used to actually create and/or shape matter, this could potentially lead to a true post-scarcity society (or even outright "godhood").
This review went on a lot longer than I intended, and I am sorry that it won't be much/any help in terms of writing technique, but I wanted to let you know I found your work fascinating and wanted to speculate on the implications of the mechanics of the universe you have created. Please consider it a compliment.
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Wow. Didn't expect such a large comment!
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The reason Jacob is so harsh on Humanity as a whole is partly because of my own cynical views. While I don't think that everyone is bad, I've seen throughout my country's history time and again (I live in the USA) where we would make deals with the locals and then break those deals and take whatever the heck we wanted time after time. While I don't think that the modern US government would allow such a thing, that says nothing of power and land-hungry dictators of other countries. It really wouldn't take much to take over Equestria with our tech level. Probably a few hundred armed civilians with non-military-issue weapons could do it in a few days provided that the magic-users didn't put up shields around their towns.
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To the gems bit, to a point you are correct. But consider this: A rock picked up from the ground is worthless. There are a billion more just like it. However, fly up to the moon and take a rock from the ground. That rock is worth millions of dollars. I have no doubt that gem marketers would claim that gems from Equestria, hold more value than a gem of like size and type in our world simply because it is from another world which would draw treasure-seekers in the thousands just like with the Gold Rush events in US history. However, I must agree that conquest would be much less practical and more expensive than setting up a trade agreement.
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I haven't decided how many dragons there are yet. I was thinking between 700 and 500. But of course the children would be unable to go into battle, and there might be some that refuse to come after having been raised by ponies. (the latter issue will come up later in the fic)
I doubt that Drahngov or anybody else would believe that Humanity's population and tech level had gotten that far except maybe for Doctor Hooves, who isn't a local of Equestria to begin with. Drahngov wouldn't even care about Earth at all if not for Jacob having gotten in his way.
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The horns don't need to be attached, but with them no longer being connected the strain put on them from magical use does not heal which is what (besides natural degradation) causes them to decay and eventually fall apart. To be honest I hadn't thought quite that in-depth into them yet as far as replicating them went. The general idea I have of them is that it is the Unicorns or Alicorns frequently using magic that grants the horn the ability to convert energy into magic since the horn is always the focus point of their energy. And of course, like when one lifts weights to build muscle mass, the more a Unicorn or Alicorn uses their magic the more abuse the horn will be able to withstand (magic-wise) before it crumbles after it has been removed. If you simply made a horn using science then you may as well have taken a horn from an elephant and carved a spiral into it unless you also had some way to imitate the radiation-energy magic may or may not give off and were able to saturate the artificial horns with it while they were still 'alive'. I suppose if you could do that you could make an imitation, but that would involve the study of a Unicorn or Alicorn that uses magic first, which could take decades and, unfortunately, we do not have access to them. Although it could make an interesting fanfic if done in the manner of a documentary.
28885I have no idea, I suck at her accent too.
That Jacob's ancestor's totally a bastard! I think there will be more "action" in next chapters... And I didn't think that Trixie's so easy to manipulate. I- We want more!
OH NO
borderline cliffhanger!
This is a great story! wouldn't Trixie realize the truth having read the previous arguments?
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Not really. His story is actually a decent argument, if you think about it. If the story he told Trixie was true, but there was no evidence to the contrary to him having been the murderer, wouldn't you think that he'd killed them?
If Jacob had seen the message before having befriended the locals and hearing the reason he'd been turned into a statue and then on top of that saw the illustrations (minus the one where he'd tried to break the horn off Celestia's father's head) it would have looked like a case of self-defense, which would have made Jacob want to seek him out and free him.
Besides, if he can re-shape the lettering in a journal to look like a face, how hard do you think it would be for him to un-shape it back into lettering or to get rid of it at all? If you got rid of his comments and illustrations from the scene in the throne room, and then during the burning, and kept only the bedroom conversation, then it sounds more like a family feud.
"I don't trust you, you don't trust me, but we each want something that the other can provide. Fine we'll work together."
Why autors are always right?
32345 probeblybecause they wrote the story.
Very good and with an epic storyline. Keep it up!
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
it keeps getting better! (Stop killing my grades please! /sarcasm)
Awesome story, Im not finding many problems with it at all!
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That's because I perform spell-check here first. Trust me, my works are far from perfect.
watching this one, and i can't wait for more.
Smaller coins being more valuable and vice versa makes no sense, because smaller coins are made of less material.
that would cause a steady decline in the economy unless they had infinite resources to make the coins with.
Therefore you just doomed Equestria with one tiny act.
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Italics?
Oh crap, look like I goofed again...
Hey wait a second... why there's 66,666 words?! You're evil... and i like it
Hm, very well done again, you had some sentences where you messed up the re-writing, but it did not really hurt the flow, so I won't complain. As for the names, I would say you could go with something simple. Roger, maybe. And Agatha. Seems to fit the "ordinary" nature of the two.
I am really looking forward to where you are going with this. Thanatos being stuck on Earth AND pissed off might prove to be a problem...
interesting
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). The Gold Dollar is the size of a quarter (though is a bit thicker) and yet is four times the worth of the quarter, and is twice the worth of the Half-Dollar (or fifty cent piece) which is larger than any other coin in US currency.
To poke a hole in your statement, not every economy follows this. My own is an example. I live in Townsend, Delaware, USA. (To you others that live in the USA, and have never heard of it and may be mildly curious, it's near Middletown. But you're probably not. *Shrugs* )
The Dime is the smallest coin in the US currency, and yet it is worth more than both the penny, which has the least value in US currency, and the nickle, which is worth five pennies. The Dime is worth ten cents, or ten pennies.
Next, the Gold Dollar (which is no longer actually made of gold
Next, the Dollar Bill.
With some minor differences from printing to printing each year, all the bills are the same length and height whether it's one dollar, or a hundred dollars.
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Dollar bills are made of a renewable resource (cotton)
Coins are of metals and such.
The dime is offset somewhat by the quarter.
Dollar coins are rather rare due to lack of popularity, so they aren't made at anywhere near the same rate as the other coins.
I am from the good ol' US of A
this is good. 5 stars. i'm looking forward to more.
♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
Quick, sound the AROOGA alarm!
Very well done again, but you stuck to your habit of making stupid typos and grammatical errors which could be avoided with a proof-reader. Ask your Fans, I bet they would be glad to help ;)
Other than that, good job. I genuinly care about the characters and enjoy the reading. Keep it up!
Last half of the story is in italics. But other than that, I think this is great overall.
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great, I did it again. Lovely.
Well, back to the writing tablet...
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Before i forget (again, my memory stinks) thanks for the name suggestions for Jacob's parents.
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As to getting an editor, I'm only writing this for fun and don't really see the point to getting one. Now, if I were going to be writing a book, (I've tried this before, but I lose interest in them very quickly save for one short-story that I wrote five or six pages for, and I don't think I have that file any longer) then I would indeed feel the need for one.
As it is I will continue to the best of my ability to correct spelling errors and try (and probably fail) to catch the 'bold' and 'italics' brackets that I miss before posting and if missed, correct them later.
I hold no delusions that when this website eventually gets shut down (it may take years, possibly even decades, but it will inevitably happen, as it happens to all websites) that somehow my story will live on in some other website. My goal is only to entertain while I may, and to place yet another crack in the Fourth Wall, not perfection.
However, if anyone wishes to go over it and send me a perfected version of it later, they're welcome to put in the extra effort. I might even give you a cameo in my next story.
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Hm, alright. I was thinking it may help you if someone pointed out your errors so you could avoid them in future chapters, but I do see the problem you have with getting an editor for a nice little story that just happens to be a hobby of yours.
And I guess you too have some kind of life going and would not want to put in more time than you should. Anyway, I love this story a lot and, in case you were wondering, am so supportive because I think writing is an art form we should not lose. Just take a look in the local newspapers published in the last about 30 years. Just jump in steps of 1 year. You will notice sensationalism, short columns, errors and just outright bad style have crept in a lot. People like you, writing for fun, as a passion, combat this. And I like to imagine that the world would be a better place if more people cared about properly wirting their thoughts, be it to convey information, correspond with a friend, or simply entertain.
Greetings from Germany.
fantastic
looking forward to more.
loving it so far keep up the great work!
You had me at the snakelike draco aquatii (yay, pseudo-science), very nice. I would love a chapter, or at least a few paragraphs, going in-depth into dragon anatomy and whatnot. I wonder how you imagine them... And I must say, you brought a smile to my face when you used my name suggestions. Still could hug you for it.
For an example of scientific dragon stuff I recommend the introduction of this chapter of "Of Feathers and Scales":
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2113/4
Great stuff
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, though I can try that later and even attempt (though likely fail horribly) at drawing one for you (I only draw good if I have something to look at). The inspiration for the double-eyelid was something I remembered about alligators from an old show i watched as a kid called Kratt's Creatures. Or, for more details, you could go here:
No need for a page,
http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/life/zoology/reptiles-amphibians/alligator2.htm
and refer to the fourth paragraph.
Wild world we live in, ain't it?
As for it breathing scalding-hot steam and how it moved, the breath was inspired by the Steam Dragons of the Xanth book series, and how it moves on land is close to that of how a snake moves across the ground except its scales stick out a bit at the ends kind of like some types of pine cone and catch on any surface that it can find purchase on like a hundred grappling hook on every edge or rough spot which enable it to go just about anywhere except the sky.
I have the weirdest boner right now
Next chapter: Jacob discovers that he is dovakhin!
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If you have a weird boner, you should go to your doctor and have it looked at. You never know, you might have cancer.
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A what???