The alarm did not go off this morning, as it had a large, magical blast sized hole in it. Instead Twilight woke up naturally as she does on occasion, moaning in agony over her huge headache. Rolling out of bed and plopping face first onto the floor, Twilight slowly rose and shuffled over to a wall. She gently headbutted said wall as she stopped and stared in confusion where her old door used to be back in the library. Groaning, Twilight forced her eyes open and looked around for her door. Closing her eyes as much as she could, she headed out of her room. Right as Twilight left her room, she came back in and opened her closet. She pushed the pleasantly quiet stallion out of the way and grabbed one of the many alarm clocks hanging on the wall. Closing the closet door on him again, she set the alarm on the clock and put it next to the destroyed one on her dresser. Giving a slight nod of approval, Twilight headed out of her room.
Stumbling down the stairs, she slowly worked her way towards the dining room. Sitting at the table were Spike and Rarity, chatting happily away. Both of them said something to her, Twilight gave a mumble in response. Twilight dropped her head upon the table, waiting for the coffee fairy to bring her the sweet nectar of life she needed. As the purple scale covered fairy poured Twilight her fix, Rarity asked her something. Twilight groaned, knowing she would have to try and focus to answer whatever she asked.
"...What?" Twilight mumbled.
"I asked dear, where your old gala dress was. Since you gave me your measurements yesterday I thought I should refit your dress for you! Oh, while I'm at it, I might as well fix the other girls dresses too..." Rarity mused.
"The closet in my room." Twilight croaked.
"Thank you Darling! I'll just go get that dress while you wake up." Rarity trotted off.
The coffee fairy placed the much needed elixir down in front of her. Inhaling the lovely bitter scent of black magic, Twilight raised the cup of joe to her lips and took a large swig. She reveled in the burning sensation sliding down her throat. With a pleased sigh, Twilight sat back and let her mind slowly turn on.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Spike didn't even flinch from Twilight's scream. He didn't even stop eating his lunch. Some mornings were like this with her. Twilight somehow managed to trip and tumble UP the stairs, ignoring her aching wing and hoof, she scrambled into her room as Rarity turned the knob on her closet door. As Twilight headbutted her out of the way, Rarity froze and took in her disheveled appearance.
"Twilight, why-"
"WHY WHAT?!? WHY WERE YOU LOOKING IN MY CLOSET!?!"
"Twilight Darling I was just going to grab your dress-"
"DRESS, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, MY DRESS?!?" Twilight laughed manically. "THERE IS NO DRESS! THERE'S NEVER BEEN A DRESS! DRESSES ARE JUST A MYTH!!!"
Rarity was no longer looking at Twilight. When she headbutted her, Rarity already had her hoof around the door, pulling the door open along with her. Before her stood a tall, handsome pegasus stallion with the biggest winning smile she had ever seen.
"Hello!" Stupid Doll cheerily said, "My name is-"
"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK!" Twilight screamed, shoving a hoof in his mouth.
Rarity stared at the two of them with a blank look on her face.
"This...this is my friend! He uh...he gave me a present last night, and I thought it be rude to let him walk home so late!" Twilight lied.
Rarity's mouth slowly broke into a smile.
"So I let him sleep, in my closet! I MEAN, on my bed-NO! My room! He slept in my room with me-NOT WITH ME!"
Rarity's smile was now a huge grin.
"HA, WHAT?!? HE'S JUST A SEXY STALLION HIDING IN MY CLOSET! WE'VE ALL HAD A STALLION HIDE IN OUR CLOSET BEFORE RIGHT?!? NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT THAT-"
Before Twilight could have a complete and total meltdown, Stupid wrapped his wing around her and started petting her tail. He rested his head gently on top of hers and tightened his hug slightly. Whenever Twilight felt scared, Rainbow Dash's confidence and bold claims always helped her calm down. Similar to Dash, Fluttershy's motherly attitude did wonders for Twilight. When she was a little foal and too scared to sleep alone at night, Celestia would wrap her wing around her and make her feel safe and warm. Because of these three, Twilight has always subconsciously related pegasi to the feeling of being safe. Whenever she was nervous and alone, Twilight would pet her own tail to help herself calm down. Being wrapped in Stupid Doll's wings, having her tail petted almost completely shut off her mind. With a gentle moan, she leaned into his chest and closed her eyes, sucking in the warmth and feeling of safety.
Rarity gently cleared her throat and Twilight shoved Doll away from her. She was tense now, but no longer in danger of having a panic attack. Twilight and Rarity stared at each other. Twilight looked scared and Rarity had the biggest grin she had ever seen. Stupid Doll continued to be pleasantly quiet.
"Rarity." Twilight meekly said.
"Twilight." Rarity choked out, barely containing her excitement.
"Good afternoon."
"Good afternoon."
"How has your day been?"
"Oh you know, getting Sweetie Belle ready for school, brainstorming dress ideas for a while, the usual. How was last night?"
"Completely normal, nothing interesting happened at all. I got home, opened a surprise present, and went to bed."
"Spike said he heard some...loud noises last night."
"I may have gotten a little...excited over my present."
"W-well darling..." Rarity started to tremble. "He is quite the present."
"He's not, well, actually he is. Look, this is a big mis-"
"OH!!!" Rarity squealed. "THIS IS THE BEST~! POSSIBLE~! THING~!!!"
Before Twilight could even respond Rarity teleported out of her room, and then teleported back in, grabbed the dress, and teleported back out. Twilight's eye twitched, she didn't even know Rarity knew how to teleport. Then again, considering how many horrible threats they faced in the past, her wanting to learn how to teleport isn't all that unbelievable. Twilight groaned and collapsed against the closest thing, which happened to be Stupid Doll. Stupid resumed his hug and petting her tail. She glared at him and opened her mouth to protest, but decided it wasn't worth it. Besides, this was doing wonders for her stress.
"I hate you." Twilight bitterly stated to her doll.
The doll put on the most hurt expression she had ever seen. Tears started to leak out of his eyes as he looked crestfallen.
"I-I don't really hate you! I'm just frustrated, I'm sorry!" Twilight quickly amended.
Stupid Doll looked relieved and gave her a quick nuzzle, causing Twilight to start feeling uncomfortably warm. She gave a sigh of relief and stopped. Why did she apologize? It was a doll! Wait no, it was a changeling pretending to be a doll and Twilight just hasn't proven that yet! This thing was trying to play her for a fool! She rose up with a determined look on her face. It's time to show this doll was a fake.
Twilight stood a couple feet away from her doll, glaring at it intensely. The doll on the other hand, gave her a look full of as much warmth and love as it possibly could. Twilight found her resolve shaking as she stared into his face. Shaking her head, she spoke.
"Changeling Doll, revert to your true form." She ordered.
The Changeling Doll changed back to it's normal form. Twilight smirked. Now that it wasn't so hot-FRIENDLY LOOKING. Now that it wasn't so friendly looking, she wasn't as inclined to be nice to it. This was the same monster that invaded her kingdom! That turned all her friends and mentor against her! That kidnapped Princess Cadence! Now that she was finished mentally preparing herself, Twilight cleared her throat.
"Stupid Doll, I want you to chop off your left forehoof!" And here's where it all ends. Twilight smirked, There's no way this idiot is going to-
*THUD!*
The doll's left forehoof landed on the ground, as the had changeling changed his right hoof into a cleaver, and sliced off his own hoof. The doll didn't even wince, it continued to stare at Twilight with a calm smile. Blood started squirting out of what was left of his left limb, getting all over the floor and his cut off hoof.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Twilight screamed. "OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NOOOOO!!!"
The Changeling gave her a friendly, sympathetic look. Twilight levitated it's hoof up to where it was disconnected, jamming it against the leg like a child trying to fit a block into a toy.
"OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! OH NO! OKAY, ICE, RIGHT?!? I HAVE TO FREEZE IT, I THINK!"
Twilight Sparkle, hero of Equestria, princess of magic, proceeded to freeze the whole left side of Stupid Doll's body.
"O-OKAY, GOOD! NOW I JUST, JUST...WHAT DO I DO?!? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!" Multiple hairs in Twilight's mane started to stick out.
"Twilight are you oka-AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Spike screamed, seeing a half frozen changeling and a cut off hoof squirting blood.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Twilight screamed, seeing Spike scream.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
The doll shouted in a large voice "WARNING! Your changeling doll has entered a critical state! If it does not receive medical attention it may become permanently disabled! Would you like it to run a self maintenance? Other tasks may slow down while this is going on."
"YES!" Twilight said, shaking it by the neck. "FIX THIS! FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT-"
Twilight was cut off as the Changeling's horn glowed. All the ice melted off the changeling and it's hoof hovered up near it's damaged limb. Magic reattached the limb, and continued to slowly repair the leg as Stupid calmly sat there, with a smile.
"Beginning self maintenance." Stupid Doll said in a pleasant monotone.
Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. With her legs shaking, she layed down to catch her breath. Before she could think Spike starting screaming again.
"Twilight! There's a changeling in your room!"
"Thank you Spike, I didn't notice." Twilight snarked.
"D-don't worry Twilight, I'll go get help!" Spike squealed and turned.
Before he could make his way out the door, Twilight grabbed him in her magic and levitated him to her bed.
"Spike, calm down. This..." Twilight hesitated. "This is a doll."
"...What?"
"It's a magic golem made from real changeling parts, I think."
"What." Spike deadpanned.
"I know, it sounds crazy. Heck, it is crazy! I don't really think it's a doll at all too, but...this thing keeps giving me reasons to think it's the real deal." Twilight confessed.
"Really, like what?"
"I said, 'changeling doll, cut off your left forehoof!' and-"
Twilight was interrupted by Stupid cutting off his own left forehoof with a cleaver.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"
One reattached forehoof later, Twilight and Spike were enjoying a quiet lunch while Stupid Doll made them a fresh batch of pancakes. Twilight was explaining everything to Spike. The more she explained, the more sheepish she got, the whole situation with Stupid made her feel so... well, stupid.
"This whole thing is driving me nuts Spike! What the heck do I do?!?" She banged her head against the table.
"Well, he was made by 'The brightest minds from Canterlot University.' right?"
"Yeah?"
"Then why don't you send them a letter asking about him?" Spike questioned.
Twilight stared at Spike for about 10 whole seconds, got out of her chair, and assumed the fetal position. Rocking back and forth, she proceeded to make strangling noises as Spike went to get her another cup of coffee. Sadly, Twilight's moment to pull herself together wouldn't last, as a cyan blur crashed herself through an expensive crystal window, slamming into Twilight.
"Hey Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said with a huge grin.
"Hi Rainbow Dash." Twilight responded, sounding dead on the inside.
Dash frowned at Twilight. "That's not the tone of somepony who just got laid."
Stupid Doll trotted into the dining room with a cheery smile on his face, ignoring the massive pain of walking on a hoof connected with magic. Quickly, he spotted his owner choking a cyan mare with a prismatic mane. Trotting over to them, he cleared his throat.
"Pancakes are ready! Only the best for my best friend!" He announced.
While setting down the pancakes, he pretended his left forehoof gave out and spilled some syrup on himself. Laughing, he licked some of it off his chest.
"I'm sorry Twilight," He said, giving his best puppy eyes. "I spilled some of your syrup."
Rainbow Dash's wings gave an audible *POMF* as they shot out, growing stiff. She turned Twilight around and put her wing around her. Making Twilight note that she felt oddly safe at the moment.
"Twilight!" she whispered, "Where did you find this guy? He's HOT."
"Rainbow, for the last time, I am not in a relationship with this stallion!"
The gears turned in Rainbow's head. "So he's not taken right?"
"Rainbow-"
Before Twilight could finish protesting, Rainbow turned around and leaned against the dining room wall, trying to look cool.
"Sup, I'm Rainbow Dash, you've probably heard of me." Rainbow Dash said, trying to sound bored.
"How could I not? You're Twilight's friend, the coolest pegasus in all of Equestria!"
"Y- you too- I mean, yeah," She blushed, "I AM pretty cool."
Stupid Doll took off the Apron he was wearing and wiped the syrup on him off with it. Giving deep sigh, he flipped his head up, sending his hair out of his face. He stared at Rainbow Dash, giving a cool smile. Rainbow Dash stared at him for a few more seconds, wings throbbing, and then broke another window as she flew away. Twilight stared at her broken windows, and then looked at Doll.
"Go back to the closet."
"Okay! Here are your pancakes-"
"BACK TO THE CLOSET!" Twilight shouted.
Without a word of protest, Stupid Doll quietly put the down the pancakes on the table and trotted up to Twilight's room with a content smile on his face. Twilight proceeded to slam her head against the very same table until she couldn't think anymore.
The changeling quietly sat in the closet.
"...Ow." He brought his left forehoof up to himself. "Ow, ow, ow, ow..."
Good lord! Talk about being dedicated to the disguise!
Better hope there's a Changeling at Canterlot University to cover that end of things.
Dismemberment: It's just as funny the second time.
That changeling got some SERIOUS autocontrol. Cutting off his own leg. TWICE
Oh man, I'm laughing like crazy after this chapter. Very amusing, especially how Twilight accidentally made Stupid cut off his hoof the second time. What happens if she tells Stupid to babysit the Cutie Mark Crusaders?????
Geez, this story is funny, and it's written very well. (To me at least)
Keep up the great work, I can't wait to see more!
That was funny as hell I really love your story sir you amazing writer
I feel sorry for him, poor guy.
Poor changeling. He just wants some love. Is that too hard to ask for?
I feel like this is going to be something similar to a Bugs Bunny escapade.
oh god that. was. amazing!
The first time I was laughing... the second time I was falling out of my chair. This is comedic gold! Well done with the physical and social humor good author. Well done indeed!
4748875
No, it isn't.
Love this part.
Pfft~!! Oh God, wow......
That changeling is a good actor~! I'm loving the comedy in this, Twilight screaming, then Spike....
And then Rainbow..... my sides are in orbit...
4748840
Scoots will blush, Sweetie will Swoon, Bloom will measure him out and then try to hook AJ up with him since 'I want nieces and nephews as amazing as this stallion! Pllllease Applejack?"
Scoots will try to help Dash get him since "Hey, I'm her sister! That means he'd be my brother!"
Sweetie will be inspired to make a song about being too young for good stallions.
Then the CMC will make Doll squeak, squeel and run.
Poor 'ling...
roundstable.com/forums/images/smilies/emot-rd-leer.png
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
UPDATE YES
Man, this guy. This guy is dedicated.
Wow! This guy dedicated! Props to you Mister Dedicated Changeling.
That changeling is willing to die for this role.
4749006 Who wouldn't be willing to die to get close to their favorite pony?
This guy is determined to succeed at this mission.
4748852 he brought it on him self when he signed up for the job.
Splendid chapter!
I'm afraid that this time there is a plethora of errors as well :U You need to cut down on run-on sentences and use full stop signs more often. It's really hard to read a sentence that tries to explain what multiple characters are doing. For example:
The above sentence structure suggests that it was Rarity that did the headbutting. It would sound better as:
Also, another mildly irritating quirk of your writing is using a characters name over and over in consecutive sentences - it is better to break it up with a variety of "mare", "Twi" or "the purple unicorn".
As an example:
Twilight Twilight Twilight... it would look better as:
It seems to me you like to get to the few meaty and funny ideas (which are glorious, by the way!) at the expense of trampling mundane and necessary pre-requisite scenes.
All the above aside, I still love it and can't wait for more
Can someone explain what this dude's trying to do? Make no mistake, I love this story, but I just want to know what our dear friend is suffering for...
4749044
Ahhhhh crap, I tried really hard to tone down the mistakes in this one too.
Thanks for the help, I really appreciate it.
I'll have to tackle those in the morning, writing and editing at the end of the day generally gives nasty results in my case.
4749077
He's trying for the old "hide in plain sight" ploy. Since Twilight already knows he's a changeling, she can't get suspicious that she has a changeling living in her house. And even as just her friend, he would get plenty of love to sustain himself. All he has to do is exactly what Twilight tells him to.
Little did he know that Twilight is more than a little insane at times. By the time she asked him to cut off his own leg, it was already too late to back out.... At this point, all he can do is stick to his guns and try to hold out for as long as he can. Because as soon as he breaks character, he's done for. Though at this rate, that might be the easier way out......
4749088
That's fine, we've all been down that road My offer as editor still stands though
4748950 I was thinking since he appears to be a reasonable adult they'd say, "Yes, we're supervised by an adult!" and try to do some more dangerous Cutie Mark getting attempts that Stupid would have to put himself through Tartarus keeping them safe.
Now that's what I'm talking about for good comedy
This chapter is better than the last one, keep it up and make us explode in laughter!
he has balls of steel
Where did he get the cleaver from and how did he slice it off in one cut
4749134
Transformed his right foreleg into one.
Twilight, I think you turned into a stingy crab for a second there.
4749146
Someone caught it!
4748910
I couldn't stop laughing when the screaming that followed afterward was brought up.
If there was ever a video of this fanfic, and they did this scene, I'd have cardiac arrest from the amount of laughter I was making.
...Not really, but it would still be funny as tartarus.
4749175
4749160
THAT'S IT! SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE THIS INTO A MOVIE AFTER IT'S FINISHED!
Wow, so much awkward. You know, Twilight, usually when you keep skeletons in your closet, you don't keep the chitin and gooey insides with it. Good laughs were had though, and that's all that really matters. I particularly liked Rainbow Dash's part in this chapter. Rarity was fantastic as well. Having the changeling's reaction at the very end of both (presumably every) chapter also worked very well. It was short and sweet and could be used to devastating effect later in the story (in the good way). An excellent second chapter overall.
I did notice some grammatical/mechanical errors, but nothing too serious. Mostly comma related in a rare instance of a writer using too few. For example, there is a big difference between 'You eat, Twilight, and then you can go read' and 'You eat Twilight, and then you can go read.' Another example is introductory clauses. While you can leave the comma off, (<-- Here is such a comma) it can cause confusion in places if you do. If you are not sure then use the comma. If you are sure, do what is right. (See what I did there? Wink wink, nudge nudge)
4749088
Warning: You have been given advice to succumb to the deadly disease known as Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. If you find yourself repeating names too much, your go-to solution should be pronouns, not epithets/descriptive phrases. Use the latter only when you have good reason to do so. If you must rephrase your sentence structure to optimize pronoun use, do so; pronouns, much like the word said, are largely invisible words in the English language. That said, I didn't have a problem with name repetition this chapter. But to continue with the working example:
Another option is to restructure your sentence to reduce name/pronoun usage. For example, '
Deciding she was better off closing them after allBut on second thought, a sleep-addled darkness was preferable. She headed out ofher roomthe bedroom.'One option when revising sentences is to cut them in half (or in three, four, etc) as above. Long sentences are not inherently good or bad (unless they are long sentences, in which case they are abominations), nor are short sentences necessarily superior. It's a matter of flow and how you wish to vary your sentence structure (although, remember that there are many literary techniques such as parallelism that benefit from unvaried sentence structure). We could also append the last sentence of the paragraph to the new second sentence with the word and, which would flow nicely. But this is a style choice, so moving on.
We already know this is her room (or at least it's heavily implied that it is), so the possessive here is unnecessary, but not necessarily bad. We also know the room is a bedroom, so we could simply use the word room. But this is getting very stylistically nitpicky. It's completely your choice.
Also, watch out for tense changes (and not just pure past/present mismatches). In the above example, ripped straight from the first paragraph, you mix past and present tense in the very first sentence. Considering you are writing in past tense, it should read, 'Instead, Twilight woke up naturally as she
doesdid on occasion, moaning in agony over her huge headache.'This exchange, right here, basically explains why I think that people need to only ship Rainbow Dash with stallions. She's just much funnier that way (when her inner girliness comes out).
Oh, and also:
Wing boner.
Dude this changeling is fucking nuts.
4749241
Oh man, all this advice...
You guys are awesome, thanks a lot man.
4749040 I know but, still...
I'm loving this!
4749260 img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131017164655/cardfight/images/a/af/You-dont-say.jpeg
I spy a futurama ref
Cut your left hoof, and he cut the hoof... XD, that was good, Even so, it surprised me that Twilight did not send a letter to Princess Celestia. If something happen, she send a card, if she is bored, she send a card, if a friend say hello, she send a card...
I'm not sure if Rarity, the changeling and his cleaver, or Dash was the best part of the chapter, but I do know that I was laughing so hard it was fairly difficult to focus on the words enough to finish reading it.
*puts on horse mask* I Love It!