Ten years into the future, Pound and Pumpkin Cake, along with a new friend, form a new team of Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Chapters (8)
Bluecatcinema
Joined 8th Feb, 2012 ·
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I like how this fic starts. favoriting / tracking :D
Faved/tracked. I wanna see how you develop the Cake twins and your OC.
Will the original CMC make an appearance?
Concept not too bad and some thought put into keeping the twins baby personalities intact.
HOWEVER
WAY TOO MANY COMMAS and fragmented sentences strung together, unneeded semi-colons, clumsy wording, capitalization errors galore, and grammarical errors. These are especially bad in the first paragraph.
The first word after a semi-colon is NOT capitalized.
'...no exception; catching up...' -not- '...no exception; Catching up...'
In dialogue, quotation marks don't end a sentence. So the first word after them (unless it is a name) is NOT capitalized.
"Sister?" repeated the filly. -not- "Sister?" Repeated the filly.
BUT BY FAR THE WORST IS:
You having the whole story center aligned instead of aligned left with proper indentation. Having a title or story header center aligned is OK, centering equally lengthed lines of poetry or song lyrics sometimes works, but you should NEVER do it for the body of the story. It's a lazy gimmick that does nothing but make your story almost unreadable.
Now before you throw a hissy fit about me "flaming" you, remember this; I didn't have to write this, I did it because I think this could be a good story.
No one likes flames like "U suck" and nothing more, however critical comments or pointing out errors are NOT flames.
I wouldn't comment if this was so bad it was beyond help. You might want to use a proof reader or editor to help you. Try PonyChan.net; in their fanworks section is a board for Fanfics.
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/
This is full of bronies willing to help new (and old) writers with proofreading and story critiques.
This is excellent, very good job
I agree with Nuki Mouse that the centre alignment is unusual, however, apart from that, I found this to be very enjoyable read
Looking forward to the next chapter
hehe another fun chapter. I especially like pound's attitude. reminds me of myself. looking forward to more.
I'm loving this story. Can't find anything wrong with this chapter, except for one part where you put hair instead of mane. I'd love to see what the original CMC's think about the new one's. Can't wait for chapter 4.
was so looking forward to this update. Enjoyed every second. keep it coming.
Still just a nice short WAFF, (Warm And Fuzzy Fealing). Your writing has improved though you still could reduce your comma use. Not every place you use a comma actually needs one, and even most of the spots I would remove the comma it is not actually incorrect to use one. It is just that too many commas tends to slow down and interrupt the flow of a story.
BTW I still wish you would align left instead of center. It just marks you as a amatuer, ignorant of proper grammer, &/or just lazy. If you don't believe me, just check out some of the other stories right on FIMfiction. Pick some with a lot of views and thumbs ups (100's or more). See how many of them are aligning left or aligning center? I bet it's less than 1.0%, and even the 1.0% are mostly doing it for poetry or song lyrics (due to the same length approx of each line in songs or poetry, it is the one time center alignment is use alot amoung fiction writers.)
If you use center alignment in the mis-believe it is somehow "20% cooler," then you must also think "Do you want fries with that" is also "20% cooler."
NOW, one glaring mistake I did see is Pinkie using "TTFM" in your story instead of "TTFN."
TTFM means 'To The Fucking Max,' not somethink that Pinkie would say nor does it fit into the dialogue.
I really think you meant to use TTFN, Ta-Ta For Now.
BTW, I think the triplets should have put the CMC though more hell than they did, considering how Pound and Carrot treated Pinkie as toddlers.
One last point, if I didn't like this story, or thought you writing was terrible beyond legibility or readability, I wouldn't waste my time commenting on it. I do this in hopes of helping you become a better writer.
Still gives me the warm fuzzies. keep it coming.
It is also obvious that lying is not Pound's special talent, either.
heheh. so much d'aww. THis is one of my favorite fics that i've been reading and the chapters always make me happy.
over already? im so sad T_T I hope you make another fic similar to this.
Love the d'awww
That was a fun little ending. I have to say Pound's cutie mark sounds the most fun out of all of them. Nothing like the good ol' excitement of being told to hit stuff. Kudos on the fun story.
LOL!
"I saw that, so when's the wedding?''
I bet Twilight said that to Shining Aurmor when he had a crush on Cadence
~Princess Starshine out!
Peace!
Is Shining Star related to Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon?
5138771 No.
Are Birch, Holly, and Meadowlark triplets? And are they all elder or younger than Honeysuckle?
5224172 They're younger, and yes, they're triplets.
What? I think you're missing a want
The trademark cheering at the top of their lungs lives again
Edit: I just noticed as I read the story again, they're even all three races of pony, just like the original
that´s just pwecioush.
Pony= Species
Earth Pony= Race
OHMIGOD IT´S THAT BABY FROM THE MARE DO WELL EPISODE.
YAAAAAAAAY
cute. I was expecting them to tell Pinkie and go to the Club House to get some capes tho.
[quote"Well, look what we have here." Smiled a yellow filly with a strawberry blonde mane. "Haven't seen you here before."]strawberries aren´t yellow
Oh, shut up! that´s the most cliched ending ever! if that´s how you feel about beauty, you don´t go to a beauty paegant because everyone knows beauty paegants are all about how you look and if you don´t care about looks then the only other reason to enter one is maybe you need the prize money for something. the judges declaring a tie over the girl who gave this huge speech is just the most boring thing.
Desperate what?? Desperate looks? Desperate glances? come on, that´s not a typo that´s downright forgetting to write a word.
also, is Forrest and OC?
7865526 Yes, Forrest is my OC.
7865583 okay
You should have had a change in perspective showcasing the subconscious distress the citizenry of Ponyville feels anytime members of the CMC do that.
LOVED IT! Especially love the cutie ideas for Pumpkin and Cream Puff. Well done
8839866
Thank you.