It's just another normal day for Twilight Sparkle, ponies are all happy and nothing's really changed in Ponyville. However when she discovers a strange locket at Fillydelphia beach, her life will change... forever.
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I am writing this story with my good friend, Aceaddo. This is our first time, so constructive criticism is appreciated. Emphasis on 'constructive'.
This is probably going to be a somewhat long story, hopefully. So yeah, I hope you enjoy, more will be on it's way.
(P.S: Original cover image: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qiqQlUOlmY8/TpqBZc0l8xI/AAAAAAAABSg/Shlf_AooQLM/s1600/70823+-+twilight_sparkle.jpg (Can't find the artist, sorry guys :/)
Edited by Aceaddo and I)
Chapters (2)
The White Sea - The Sword
Sweet jesus, that last sentence.
"sleep had hit her harder than Applejack beats Applebloom"
you actually typed this phrase...
not sure whether to think of it as good or disturbing, varying degrees of want with this one.
This story was doing great until that very last sentence
I honestly don't know if that trolling was intentional or not
"sleep had hit her harder than Applejack beats Applebloom"
I didn't know whether to laugh or punch the screen on the last sentence.
Last sentence was full of troll.
It was a bit of trolling and a reference to Epic Pie Time.
It was also 2am.
i1207.photobucket.com/albums/bb461/LegionScavenger/Rarity_Jaw_Drop.jpg
Dat last sentence...
*Continues beating the eggs*
MORE APPLEJACK DANIELS!
*Bottle breaks*
"sleep had hit her harder than Applejack beats Applebloom"
img.ponibooru.org/_images/814bd0b0c40cc4d236d796fff613751f/95867%20-%20abuse%20animated%20applebuse%20applejack%20apple_bloom%20ask_jappleack%20jappleack%20worst_pony.gif
Trololol. Dat last sentence! It totally helps that I'm high as fuck right now! Great story! Damn cliffhangers make me have to track and read the next chapter.
of course! its so clear now;
beats 
consider it tracked
Best conclusion to a chapter. Bravo.
loved the ending to this chapter, I can't wait or the next chapter
if i was a hipster i would make a comment not involving the last sentence. i will do both.
I LIED
DAT DAM LAST SENTENCE!
You REALLY like agonizingly potent one-liners at the end of your stories don't you?
First something from the .MOV series, and now something that stops the readers cold? That's just cruel... not to mention unhealthy to some of the readers.
...
Nah just kidding I love it. I do those now and then too.
hmm i wonder if something like a message will form from the one liners hmm like appljack beats apple bloom, but twilight never got that choice
453641
...Lol, that's some imagination you got there. Not bad, not bad.
Thanks for all the feedback guys.
442570 .......LOL damn you pinkie pie thats been stuck in my head since I saw it applejack beats those eggs harder then she beats applebloom. SAY WHA'!!
443431 Tumblr the good times
Last line equivalent of:
"I never asked for this."
The locket seems to have disappeared from last chapter.
I wonder why.
516574
Hmm. I'm intrigued, somewhat, but you've picked up a number of bad habits.
You have a minor problem with lacking emotional content, you tend to tell rather than show, and you lack description in many cases. The shock value lines are... okay, but they start detracting from the story if you intend to end every chapter with a line like that. You also have some incorrect/awkward word usage, and the technical errors present could be caught by a decent proofreader, which I suggest you find.
I suppose the best way to describe it would be that you need to work on your subtlety, and simple description. As nice as it is to know what the characters are doing physically, internal mechanics and motivations should be a tad more prominent and some input on the setting of each scene would be nice.
In any case, keep on writing~
585582
Yeah, I've kinda lost all motivation on this story. Being my first one, I never expected it to be really that good, because prior to this I used to stare at the screen with a confused expression on my face. I started writing chapter 3, but I then realized.. well, this story isn't going anywhere. My partner is really busy with assignments, so there's nothing much I can do. I never ran this through my main proofreader, either. I also have some weird liking for ending every damn chapter on a cliffhanger, otherwise it seems a bit awkward for me. I can work on that, hopefully.
But hey, I appreciate the information. I will take that into account for further stories
585613
*makes note to read the others and give minor reviews to them as well*
I see. Good luck either way~
585620
Thanks.
You know, you'd make a pretty good proofreader too
585625
Probably, but I'm normally much more of an asshole. You caught me in a nice mood, for one, and it's hard to be a jerk to someone that said "I love you" in response to what I did on Ice's blog. -__-;
585636
Well what you said was absolutely true, so it probably warranted a better response for shutting up about 20 idiots.
But anyway, I don't mind. Assholes are best people :D
585645
You're beginning to warm on me. Stoppit! D:
585649
I'm sorry.
Is there a better place to talk than here?
585656
*shrugs* I don't doubt it, but I don't see any problems other than cluttering up your story with comments.
...Oh. Right.
PM me, then, if you want to continue chatting.