The sting of sadness

After his friends abandon him, and Felix is stricken with grief what will happen on that fateful night. Lost in a forest in the rain.

Chapters (2)

Winter Winds · 11th Apr 2012 · 1,022 words
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An unexpected visitor · 22nd Sep 2012 · 2,182 words
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Comments ( 5 )

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ryde55

ryde55 #1 · Sep 25th, 2012 · · · An unexpected visitor ·

i want to see where this story will go

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #2 · Sep 25th, 2012 · · · An unexpected visitor ·

Your writing is really good. You have a nice balance of description and action, and I like what you've done with your character so far. However, I also have a few suggestions:

- Don't center everything. Your story's appearance will affect how well it's received, and centered text is really hard to read for some reason.

- A common problem with HiE stories, in my opinion, is that the human doesn't freak out enough. I think your character is easing into this new world a little too easily. It's not terrible, but try to keep that in mind.

- Another thing I see in HiE stories is that the human loses everything in his past, particularly weaknesses and emotional distress - in other words, everything that makes him interesting as a character. Make sure you don't lose his sadness and personality.

Hope you find this helpful. I have hopes for this story, and usually I don't when it's HiE, so you're definitely doing things right.

~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer

FelixVerricht

FelixVerricht #3 · Sep 26th, 2012 · · · An unexpected visitor ·

1338677 Thanks for the vote of confidence. But I posted this on a whim. I wrote the first chapter months ago and because it wasn't focused around the FiM universe it didn't get approved. It took me ages to actually write the second chapter cause I had writers block like you wouldn't believe. In that time my writing became more centered around roleplaying and I became totally detached from this. I was hoping it would come across as he's rejecting what has happened, or doesn't see any of this as beneficial cause most bronies would jump at the chance to be thrown into Equestria with me it's the complete opposite too many things I would miss or wouldn't get to do. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

Anyway thanks for your feedback I didn't think I'd get anything like this for feedback. I'll keep what you've said in mind.

P.S the centering is a habit I've picked up. My Graphics teacher at school always tells me to center things and that sorta stuck with me much to the dismay of my English teacher.

dakingofmuffins