I'm not a pony, but I sure act like one.
Thrust into power after her miracle of raising the sun, Celestia deals with the luxuries and responsibilities of being a ruler. After she loses control of her power, resulting in a national tragedy, she begins to wonder just what it means to be a leader with no pony and nothing to answer to.
(Yay, not a story about immortality!)
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MOAR?
I have to say that was pretty epic, I feel sorry for Celestia. tracked.
Is that a reference to Fallout: Equestria? It very well might not be, but it's hard for me to disassociate that name from FO:E, lol. Also, there's two spaces between those two sentences. (hitting Ctrl+F shows there's a TON of spots with two spaces, and a couple with three and four spaces... I'm guessing this was intentional? O_o I won't mention it anymore, in that case)
Missing a quotation mark.
Missing period, as well as the (possibly intentional? but that'd be weird) four-space.
Shouldn't these have quotations around them? I'm not sure if you meant to leave the quotations off, but whether you did or not, it's not instantly apparent that this is spoken dialogue as it is. Especially considering you use bold text again just a paragraph or two afterwards to narrate a thought.
Sun Queen? Is that suppose to signify her current mentality, given her anger at the situation, or was that a slip-up?
Missing period, and you might wanna' put a space between the elipses and the STOP, that last period of the elipses kind'a blends into the S. [edit] At least, it does with the default Serif font fimfiction uses. :P
One too many 'filled's.
You really like your spaces. :P
This is definitely an interesting premise. It does seem to jump into the conflict a bit too quickly, but that's just an opinion. It certainly hasn't made me any less interested in this story, lol. Thumbed-up, tracked. Looking forward to more.
439862
Thanks for the help! No, that isn't a reference to Fallout: Equestria. I haven't even read that. I did change the name, though.
I fixed the errors you pointed out. As far as the Sun Queen part, I think I was just using a synonym there.
Anyways, I'm glad you liked the story! I do agree that I kinda do rush to the conflict. Any ideas on how to pad it out a bit more? I'm thinking that perhaps I could have a brief scene with her holding court. However, right now I'm thinking that this early into her rule, with Canterlot being so young, there aren't a done of problems in the city just yet. This is something I'll have to think about. I'm hoping this story isn't too ambitious for me.
Thanks again!
439973
I can offer some suggestions, but keep in mind that I'm no writer...
I think you were on the right track with Celestia's trip into town. A look into a relatively normal day for the newly-crowned ruler would help the readers sympathize with her when she makes her mistake and things go horribly wrong, as well as provide the 'padding' you're looking for. You could have her do a few other things in the castle, or around town, or both, before offering to help the workers and getting interrupted etc. etc..
Alternatively (or at the same time), the scene of the tragedy could use a bit of padding too. You could have her meet with the acting commanders of both sides, to try to handle it diplomatically, to actually assert her authority in a better way than simply screaming into a crowd. Plus the (surviving) acting commanders would be great reoccuring characters for future drama (attempting to secede from Equestria and it's tyrant ruler, perhaps?). Of course, both sides would be completely irrational and end up getting into an argument, ignoring Celestia, and then brawling right there in front of their princess, the absurdity of which combined with the constant headache these two settlements have been for however long, further combined with the fact that they were already gearing up for an actual battle to actually kill eachother over this when she arrived (a thought on this as she arrives wouldn't be out of place, either), would perhaps make her catastrophically losing her temper more believable than just exploding upon arrival.
And I'm out of ideas. :P
And I see you've turned Steel Hooves into a transformer. xD Seriously, don't worry about 100% original names for one-off characters, lol. Steel Hooves and Iron Hide are both great names for a construction pony.
440134
Those are some pretty good ideas, especially the meeting with the commanders one. I will admit, I'm sometimes a bit too hasty to jump into the action, which is what I did here.
Thanks again for your help. I'll get started on those revisions tonight.
440134
Hello again! Thought I'd let you know I padded out the battle scene a bit more. Hope you like it!
One too many I's there.
"Channeled all energy" isn't necessarily wrong, it just looks really awkward, lol. All of her energy, perhaps? /shrug
The scene at the battlefield seemed to flow much better with the extra bits, Celestia's magical tantrum wasn't as sudden.
Missing word, I believe.
Not much to say about this one. It was basically just Luna talking to Celestia, and a very brief look into what Luna's life has been like since they became rulers. Not a bad thing at all, just doesn't give much to comment on, lol. The only thing that gave me pause was how quickly Celestia went from crying too hard to talk, to speaking calmly. Was somewhat subverted by Celestia's continued weeping when she returned to the palace though, so it's not that big of a deal.
447747
I thought about how Celestia calmed down after Luna got there, but remember she had probably been crying for an hour or so. Plus, she starts back up again shortly after Luna starts talking to her.
Might I ask how you feel about the characterization of Celestia and Luna? Am I doing a good job of illustrating their personalities?
This was brilliant, I feel bad for Celestia and the entire situation the story wove is very emotional. Will thar be moar?