Chapter 1: A New Reality
“Oh, dear God and Jesus in heaven, why are you torturing me like this?”
Josh growled and kicked his television set, trying to get some other channel besides the Animal Planet channel, but due to the recent problems with the electricity, the TV was stuck on Animal Planet and, if the boy wanted to watch anything, he’d have to stick with it. He sighed and ran a hand through his sleek black hair; he was missing the Eagles game, for crying out loud! Stupid electricity; he would be giving the electric company a good talking to awhile later.
“Whatever happened to the electric company bringing us the power?” Josh snapped, sitting down in his computer chair as he watched some horses galloping on his big-screen TV, “Oh, gag me; I tell ya, Chichi, why the hell would I care about stupid horses and what they do in the wild or on someone’s farm? Seriously, who the hell cares?” The human boy grumbled as he stroked his female pet tabby cat, who was busy laying on his computer keyboard and ignoring his frequent requests to remove herself from it.
Josh Schwartz lived a somewhat normal life on the planet Earth. He was 20 years old, but he typically acted and looked more like a 13-year-old instead. He lived with his pessimistic mother, along with her abusive boyfriend, his three poodles, and his loving pet cat, Chichi. The boy was intelligent and enjoyed watching and playing a variety of sports, and he also enjoyed writing stories, playing video games, singing and dancing to music, and surfing the internet on his computer.
Being forced to watch the Animal Planet’s session on horses was torturous to Josh, not to mention so incredibly boring. He wasn’t a girl; he hated horses. They were use girly creatures, not to mention very boring and ugly animals, too. However, no matter what it was, it was still television, and Josh just couldn’t go one minute without his precious TV. He wasn’t the typical homebody, though; he only weighed 150 pounds and he was bonier than most nerds.
Suddenly, blinking on the horse session on the TV, a bright rainbow appeared in the sky and seemed to come shining right out of the screen. Grumbling and shielding his eyes, Josh wondered how in the world he had suddenly gotten 3D without paying for it, and he reached for the remote to flick the TV off. However, the rainbow only shone brighter, making Josh gasp and feel himself getting dizzy and faint. Then, in the next moment, he blacked out.
As weird as that stupid bright rainbow that had suddenly appeared on Animal Planet was, the fall was even weirder. Josh had apparently fallen out of his seat that had been in front of his precious television set, but it was taking forever to hit the floor. The dazed human couldn’t see any more of his cat’s room, either (his cat owned her own room, which is where his big screen TV was); he seemed to be enveloped within the shiny rainbow. Then, just like that, he hit down hard; face-down onto some kind of hard surface. Double ouch.
The arrogant, sarcastic boy wasn’t used to physical contact, since his mother never let him play football, like he had wanted. The most he ever fell was off the trampoline in his backyard, and even then he always landed on his feet. This was all new to the boy. Not only did he have the wind knocked out of him, but he got dirt on his face and eyes, which instantly made him mad; he may be a male, but he really did hate to get dirty. Oh, and the fact that he had been blinded by the rainbow had made stars dance in front of dirt-filled eyelids, too.
Thankfully, Josh’s ears were still working to perfection, and as he laid there moaning softly into the mushy ground, he could hear whispering voices nearby. Good, he thought; my mother probably freaked out when she saw me have a seizure and instantly called in the paramedics. However, as he listened closely, he realized that these weren’t normal voices at all.
“What…is it?” came one small voice from somewhere near Josh’s head.
“Where do you think it came from?” came another.
“Do you think…it’s dangerous?”
“It doesn’t seem like it is, but one can never be too sure; stay back, for now.”
“Don’t worry, girls, I can handle it if it tries anything!” That arrogant-sounding voice sounded slightly more masculine than the other voices, indicating that it could possibly belong to someone more mature to help with the situation.
“Perhaps, but what IS it? Do you suppose it’s some kind of monkey?” a prissy-sounding voice declared, “Whatever it is, it’s pretty ugly, don’t you think?”
Never one to be insulted, Josh growled and tried to clear the dizzies from his head as he struggled to get up to a sitting position. He shook his head violently a few times as he pushed himself up a few inches from the ground, the sound of scurrying filling his ears as the group surrounding him obviously started to back away upon seeing the boy start moving. Ready to yell at whoever was nearest him, just out of pure irritation, the boy peeked up at long last, but discovered that his vision was still hazy. It was probably due to the after-effects of the rainbow, not to mention he still had some dirt in his eyes.
“Careful, everypony; we don’t know what it can do!”
“Well, whatever it is, it certainly ruined a perfectly good picnic!” a voice with a southern accent added with an annoyed tone, “And who had the nerve to spill apple juice all over my apple pie?”
“Sorry, Applejack, that was my fault; I was just so started by this…creature…that came crashing down!”
Josh never did like listening to other people talk; he preferred to be the center of attention. Having had enough of this nonsense, he hit his own head a few times and rubbed his eyes with his hands as he got some of the dirt out. Slowly, his vision started to return to him.
“Stupid nonsense…what in the world happened?” he snapped, still rubbing his eyes a bit more “Where am I? If I’m in the hospital, please let me go; I’m NOT being charged for this! I don’t get hurt that often. Stupid TV was defective; I’m so suing the electric company for this.”
“It talks!”
Sighing in irritation, Josh tried to cool his temper, since he wasn’t getting any real answers to the current situation. At the moment, no matter how badly he tried scrubbing his eyes, he couldn’t get some specs of dirt and grass out of them, so that was first on the agenda of things to get out of the way.
“Hey, can someone please get me some water or something?” Josh muttered, “I have some dirt in my eyes and I can’t see a thing!”
“Water? Quick, somepony get some water!” As Josh blinked like crazy and hissed at the stinging in his eyes, there was some more shuffling around. He hoped they would hurry; he really hated having his eyes slighted in any way whatsoever. “Here you go; a cup of water.”
Instantly, Josh nodded and found a small cup thrust into his left hand. Instantly, he lifted his head up to the sky and forced his left eye open. He poured some water into it, then did the same thing to his right eye. He blinked several dozen more times, then smiled when the dirt was finally cleaned out and he could finally see. Giving a sigh of relief, he drank down the rest of the water and tossed the cup aside before finally turning to see just who was surrounding him.
Ponies. The stunned human boy was sitting in the middle of a herd of ponies, or at least they LOOKED like ponies. They certainly weren’t out of that stupid show that he had been watching just minutes ago. These ones were in vivid and blinding colors, not to mention some had wings and horns. What in the world was going on? Had he hit his head too hard and was now in some kind of strange coma? Yeah, that had to be it, the boy thought to himself. He was having some kinda cartoon dream or something, and he certainly didn’t like it. He felt like he was in a girly atmosphere.
“Uh, hello, anyone out here?” Josh called out, trying to look over the heads of the ponies, “Someone who maybe owns all these weird ponies? I kinda need some assistance here, since I’m no longer in my room and that kinda upsets me. Hello, anybody?”
“Well, how do ya like that!” the southern voice said again, “Of all the nerve; talkin’ like we ain’t even here, and thinkin’ that we actually BELONG to somepony? Can ya believe this character?”
“If I could see you, I’d talk directly to your face, you idiot!” Josh snapped, growling and looking towards the sound of the voice, “Why don’t you stop hiding and get your butt over here and…huh?” The boy turned his head towards the sound of the voice and found himself staring into the face of a light orange pony, who was wearing a cowboy hat on her head. Her glaring green eyes bored into the glistening green eyes of the human in front of her.
“Care to repeat that?”
“E-e-e-excuse me?” Josh gasped, backing up in horror and looking scared.
“Sayin’ that you’re sorry might make for a better apology, ya know,” the pony answered.
“You…you…you talk!”
“Uh…yeah, I do; ever since I was three months old, as a matter of fact!” the orange pony snorted. Turning to what seemed to be a unicorn next to her, the orange pony held up one of her front legs to her mouth and slightly whispered to her. “Ya sure it’s not all that dangerous? It doesn’t really seem to be…all there…if ya get what I’m sayin’.”
“Well, it DID have quite a nasty fall, Applejack,” the unicorn whispered back, “Perhaps it’s hurt!”
“Um…maybe it would be better off going back to where it came from?” another pony said softly. This pony was yellow with a pretty pink mane…not to mention wings. Josh shivered as he stared at all the different ponies surrounding him. He pinched himself to try and wake himself from this dream, but all it did was make his arm hurt. This was no dream; it was really happening.
“Aww, I think it’s really cute!” giggled a very tiny filly unicorn with a pretty white coat and stylish purple mane, “Can we keep it? Huh, can we keep it?”
“I don’t think so, Sweetie Belle; your big sister wouldn’t want something that dirty in her house, for one. For two, we don’t know anything about it.”
“Nice, thank you for thinking I’m a stray dog,” Josh growled, crossing his arms and growing more irritated by the minute. Strange situation or not, he wasn’t gonna continue putting up with being insulted, especially by a girly group of ponies that were making him feel less and less of a male just being around them. Despite still being dizzy, he forced himself up to his feet, using the nearby tree to steady himself as he did so. When all 5’11’’ of him was standing up, he took a deep breath and stared down all the ponies around him.
“Okay, let’s try to talk about this,” Josh said slowly, “Even if I’m in a dream, which I doubt I am, I like knowing what’s going on. So…where the heck am I? How in the world did I get here? And just what the heck are you weird-looking ponies anyway?”
“Who’s callin’ WHO weird-lookin’ now?” the cowboy hat-wearing pony snapped, lowering her head and looking like she was about to charge.
“Now, now, calm down, Applejack,” the purple unicorn next to her spoke up, “I’m sure that it just doesn’t know what it’s doing here, that’s all. Okay…whoever you are…I’m sure this is just some kind of weird mix-up, but I’m sure it’ll be resolved soon. I’m Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends. You are in Ponyville Park.”
“Yeah, that’s right, so don’t you go trying anything!” the same masculine voice said. Glancing to his right, Josh peered down to his feet. Instead of a talking pony, there was a green and purple…thing. It was somewhat chunky, and looked reptilian.
“Oh, nice, let’s add more fun to this wonderland,” Josh said sarcastically, “First talking horses, and now we have…uh…a talking lizard.”
“Lizard? LIZARD!” The male creature snarled, completely enraged. It stomped in front of Josh and glared right up into his face, his tiny fists clenched and rather pointy teeth showing. “I…am…a…DRAGON! I’M A DRAGON, GOT IT? NOT…A…LIZARD! A DRAGON!” He poked Josh’s exposed kneecap with one of his clawed fingers. Since Josh always wore shorts, he had nothing to protect himself, and couldn’t help but wince in pain as the simple poke nearly caused a deep cut on his knee.
“Geez, sorry!” Josh muttered, quickly moving backwards and backing into a tree, “I just thought that dragons were more…well, big and scary…not small and babyish.”
“SMALL AND BABYISH?!?!” the baby dragon roared, baring his teeth and rushing at Josh, “I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S SMALL AND BABYISH!” Thankfully before the foolish human could get into a fight with a dragon, baby or not, Twilight quickly pulled him away.
“No, Spike, no fighting!” Twilight scolded.
“But he called me a baby!” the dragon, apparently called Spike, whined, “And he called me small, too!”
“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that, Spike,” Twilight said, letting him go and giving him a little glare, “Now, behave yourself.”
“I don’t think Spike is the one who has to learn how to behave himself,” the southern-speaking pony, apparently named Applejack, muttered. She was glaring over at Josh while saying it.
“Okay, let’s just start with an easy question,” Twilight said, looking back up at Josh, “Where do you come from?” She seemed to be the leader of the group, and since Josh often declared himself as a leader, he felt most comfortable speaking with her.
“I’m from Montana, the greatest state in North America!” Josh said proudly, patting his chest. When all he got was blank stares and confused expression back from the small crowd, he tried again. “Uh…you know, from the third planet in the milky way galaxy…Earth?”
“Um…let’s just try another question…who are you?”
“And WHAT are you?” Spike added in.
“Your worst nightmare if you keep up that tone with me, dragon boy,” Josh growled, but after seeing some of the looks he was getting from the ponies, he quickly moved on, “Uh, well, my name is the great and amazing Joshua Michael Schwartz! I’m a human.”
“…you’re not related to a unicorn named Trixie, are you?” Twilight asked, raising her eyebrow.
“Uh, no, I’m not related to any ponies…or dragons…or anything that isn’t a human. And, let me guess, there’s no humans in this world of yours?”
“Hu…man?” Spike mouthed, looking like he was trying to talk with moldy food in his mouth.
“Yes, I’m a human…the same number of syllables that the word ‘dragon’ and ‘pony’ have in them,” Josh grumbled, feeling even more slighted.
“To be honest, I have never heard of your species before,” Twilight said, frowning in annoyance, as though she wasn’t pleased with such information, “I’m gonna have to do some research on this matter. In the meantime, can you please give us your word that you won’t bring any harm to any of us or to our world of Equestria?”
“Yeah, we already had enough fuss involvin’ a crazy kook named Discord and we don’t need any more!” Applejack muttered.
“Oh, believe me, I’m just waiting for the perfect opportunity when you ponies let your guards down and I take over your world,” Josh said sarcastically. Back on Earth, Josh was well-known for being a sarcastic, arrogant, teasing boy. However, when it came to the new world, they weren’t yet accustomed to his common antics. Almost as soon as Josh was done talking, all the ponies (and Spike) looked very angry and started to get into battle stances.
“Ya darn-well better have been kiddin’, Joshy boy, or else there’s gonna be some human-beatin’ in a few seconds,” Applejack growled, pawing on the ground like a bull does before it stampedes.
“W-w-what? Of course I was just kidding!” Josh gulped, “Can’t you take a joke? I’m always kidding around and being a tease; please, don’t take me seriously!” Even though this made everyone relax, they still didn’t trust this human very much after what he just said; Josh always was bad at first impressions.
“Well, whatever, let’s get back to our picnic!” a cheerful voice from a very pink pony cried out a moment later, “C’mon, everypony, before the mean old ants get the food!” Josh stared at her and just wanted to puke. He hated the color pink just as much as he hated the color red, and just seeing the annoying pony made him want to slash his wrists and get out of that girly world even quicker than before. Shockingly, no one else seemed to mind the pink pony at all, and they all cheered and started to rush back towards the picnic area. Only Applejack remained behind with Josh.
“Allow me to formally introduce myself,” she said, grinning and tipping her hat, “Howdy, I’m Applejack. Look, we kinda got off on the wrong hoof…since you ARE a bit strange…but, let’s start over, shall we? How would ya like an apple pie?”
“You CAN’T be serious!” Josh moaned, slapping his forehead with his palm, “Do you even know how crazy my mother is? She forces me to eat an apple every single day! Can’t you just bring me some nice apple juice instead, please?” Upon hearing this, Applejack laughed and couldn’t help covering up her face in amusement.
“Well, ain’t that a coincidence!” she chuckled, “I specialize in apples, Joshy boy! While yer here, I’ll make sure ya get yer fill of apples! But, first, I’ll get ya some apple juice.” She grinned at the annoyed boy and turned around, trotting off towards the picnic area and leaving Josh moaning and rubbing his forehead in both irritation and confusion.
“Okay…so, let’s go over the possibilities,” Josh muttered, leaning back against the tree and closing his eyes, “One…I hit my head after that rainbow on the TV blinded me and I’m now in a medical coma and they have me on some kinda kooky medicine that’s making me have crazy dreams. Two…that rainbow from the TV somehow teleported me to this new, creepy, girly world, and I’m stuck here until I find a way back home. Three…I have gone mentally insane, even though I have never touched a single drug or pint of alcohol in my life. Hmm…wow, these are tough choices…”
Rubbing his throbbing forehead, the boy muttered and tried to get the sounds of laughter out of his ears and try to focus on himself, as he always did. All that mattered to him was getting back home and leaving this girly place as soon as possible. The longer he stayed, the more un-masculine he would become, and he had already been bullied enough during his life; he didn’t need to be teased about being even more girly. For now, he relished in the fact that he would be getting some apple juice; it WAS his favorite drink, after all.
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Interesting story, but this one sentence bugged me a lot (I blame my interest in astrophysics):
"third planet in the milky way galaxy"
Third planet in our solar system, you mean? The Milky Way Galaxy contains 200–400 billion solar systems, each possibly containing a number of planets. Of course, this could just be ignorance on the part of the character, but you'd think Twilight would notice it.
Sorry again for being so focused on this, but it really stood out to me.
Other than that, story seems to be pretty good so far, though you do realize that there are a lot of fics with a very similar premise?
Interesting...
The main character is a F@#$ING $@#HOLE!
...I'll just keep reading.
hmm, i like it so far, so fr your effort have this
use it well
Lol it's a good hieq fic kinda usual in the beginning. Meaning that's how most fic's start but I can't blame it makes for a funny first chapter
It's well-written but I can't help but hate Josh so much. He's pretty much the exact kind of person that I want so smack upside the head, especially because he's 20. If Josh were a little less of a prick I'd probably like this a lot.
You know I've never read a story about a guy not wanting to be there... This is gonna be good I believe
For some reason I feel like I should hate Josh, but I can't stop finding him utterly hilarious.
I'll definitively continue reading and... I do believe I'm on fire...
-Glassed
hmm this is new... a hater in equestria... ill love to see it :D tracked.
For some reason, I keep picturing Josh as Scout from Team Fortress 2...
20577 I'd say it was Josh's intellectual prowess that made that mistake. And I'd say that the ponyverse works differently, having a sun that moves around the planet, might not even have galaxies.
100950 OH GOD I CAN"T UNSEE.
Thanks 100950
"He hated the color pink just as much as he hated the color red"
*Grabs imaginary gun*
it's not the third in the milky way, it's the third in the solar system.
thats one special tv works on only one channel without electricity and has a portal to equestria. so awesome
It would be more plot developing if the TV was stuck on the Hub.
okay, finished reading.
This kid, no matter how many times he says he kids, is a bit of a dick.
*Glances first to the left, then to the right* Is... is the kid supposed to be an idiot?
24170 agreed, but it's funnier that way.
TvTropes is right. The protagonist is an irredeemable douche.
... you named your cat breasts?
yeah im considered a bit of a smart ass but i do it in a good natured way. hes just kinda mean about it. but then if i was in a world that seemed completely new and irritatingly different with aggressive if not hostile denizens then i may not be so nice either.
Jack and Shit were loyal, lifelong followers!
Golly, he sure is "intelligent".
I don't think being "un-masculine" was the problem. I wanted to beat him up and take his lunch money before he even got to Equestria.
The way you described him just makes him seem like the kind of person i'd want to meet just so i can throw him out of a second story window, even if he isn't real, also did you have to use the name Josh? Why not Jack, or Daniel, or maybe Annoying Asshole?
I love this kid.
Very different start than most of the fics I've read, but onwards!
How tall is he?
"He wasn’t the typical homebody, though; he only weighed 150 pounds and he was bonier than most nerds"
I am 1,82 cm almost 6 or 6 feet i think and is somewhere 150 pound + a few ekstra pound. It bugged my since i am pretty fit been playing and training volleyball almost 20 hours a week for almost 5 years , and i am by no means i am not skinny.