By Draequine and Fullmetal Pony
Door?! Where’s the damn door!? I tripped, hit the ground and got back up again. Flailing, yes, very panicked flailing at something, anything. Escape! Gotta get out! I slammed into something hard. What? What?! It took me a second to register what I was hitting was a white plaster wall. Then I saw the fake plastic brown and the metal knob. Door! I lunged at it and pulled down and flung the door open like it was trying to kill my family.
The hallway. Yes, I’m out in the hall— “Ow!” Metal grinded into my side. I’d slammed right into the door on the opposite side of the wall. I slowly slid down to the ground clutching my side. “Ugh!”
Note to self: door knobs hurt like hell if you apply enough pressure. Everything was spinning and the pain wasn’t helping. The hallway seemed to smack me in the face, but then extended to infinity. I tried to get up, but the hit from the knob stung too much. I crawled forward. I had to go get help.
There were voices now. Something moved to my right. That was the side I’d been hit on. The side of the hallway where the door was. “What’s going on? John? What are you doing?”
I didn’t know who it was. I didn’t care. I kept crawling. I had to get to Sybil’s room. The voices continued. Shut up! Just shut up!
“Fine! It’s fine! I just tripped!” I kicked my feet against the ground. They slid a few times against the carpet, but I somehow managed to pull myself up. I clawed at the white plaster walls and propped myself against them.
“Are you su—”
“Yes! Don’t worry. Just a little tired!” What was my volume when I said that? Didn’t matter. Sybil’s room was closer now.
Damn it! The door had really hurt. I clutched my side with my left arm while I propped myself against the wall with my right arm. I dragged along the hallway. My god was the hallway long now.
Suddenly, the fake brown plastic was back. The numbers on the false wood door, I knew them. Yes! This is it! I hit and pounded against the door. Then it finally gave way. I fell right on top of Sybil.
“You idiot! What the hell?!”
I grasped at her shoulders. “Crazy man! Room! Help! N—” I saw white as my face burned from a hard slap to my left cheek.
“Calm the hell down!” Sybil yelled. She pulled me up by my shirt and pushed me onto her bed. “Jesus, I thought you were going to take a shower and let sleep mellow you out. Then you burst in here and scare everyone half to death.”
“Yeah, what happened?” Sweetie asked. “You look like you just saw a ghost or something... ghosts aren’t real here, right?”
“Ahh.” I rubbed my now-red cheek to take away some of the pain. My vision focussed again. Five pairs of eyes were staring at me. “Okay, I might have needed that.” I breathed deeply through my nose and took a giant exhale. “A man popped out of my mirror.”
“You need to lie down and go to sleep,” Sybil bluntly stated.
I slammed my fist into the bed with a loud fwump. “I’m serious! I went to go wash up before I went to sleep, but then my mirror went nuts on me!” I threw my arms up in a grand gesture. “Next thing I know, there’s a dude on the ground looking like the long lost Manson family member!”
Apple Bloom shifted around in her bed and looked over at me. “Ya sure ya weren’t just hallucia.... hillassa... seeing weird things?”
While the pain in my cheek was fading, the pulsating feeling in my eyes wasn’t going away at all. I shifted my glasses up and rubbed my eyes to at least temporarily relieve them of the feeling. I let out a deep sigh. “Maybe that part wasn’t real. With everything that’s happened in the past few days I can’t tell anymore.” I stopped rubbing my eyes and looked over at the Crusaders. “I wanted to rest and think about this, but there’s something else.”
“What?” Sweetie asked.
“I found Pinkie and Fluttershy.”
“What?!” All three Crusaders exclaimed. Then they jumped me. There was that delightful feeling of having my ribs crushed and being unable to breath again.
“Where are they?”
“Are they safe?”
“How’d you find them?”
I couldn’t tell whose voice was whose. It all mixed together with the exhaustion and pressure on my chest to become one loud buzz. I was about to just ignore all of it and fall back on the bed, but then the buzzing stopped.
“Girls, give him some room.” Jane somehow pulled off a graceful clothesline and pulled them off me. I pressed against the wall to keep myself from falling on the bed. After she’d gotten the girls back on their bed, Jane looked over to me. “So what’s the deal?”
“Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and apparently Angel are in Australia. The guy on the other end said he could hook up some tickets in a week or something,” I explained.
Jane pouted out her lips and sighed. “You believed that? John, no offense, but doesn’t that all sound too good to be true? I mean, you’ve found nothing for the past two days and then suddenly you find the one thing you’ve been looking for? This has Nigerian Prince on it in bold letters.”
I pushed myself up further against the wall and focused my eyes as much as possible. “Look, when you put it that way, yeah, it sounds crazy, but it’s all I’ve got right now.” I lost my focus and turned back to the ground. “It’s not like I gave him my credit card or something. He said he’d send a PM. I’ll... I’ll wait until that comes, then I’ll figure out where to go from there.”
“Do ya really think somepony found them?” Apple Bloom asked.
“I...” I was about to say the truth, but I stopped myself. To dangle that in front of a child would be too cruel. “Well Pinkie did ask if the syrup was any good from the restaurant.” I pulled my lip upward in a weak attempt at a smile, but winced from the slap. “Sorry, Sybil packs a bit of a punch.”
“Well...” Scootaloo rubbed her chin. “That definitely does sound like Pinkie.”
I blinked my eyes and wanted to keep them shut, but there was still the pressing matter of the strange man in my bathroom. “Next time I talk to him, I’ll make sure you’re there too.” Seeing them smile made me feel a little better. “But for now, we have an unconscious dude in my bathroom and I could really use some help.”
Sybil jerked out her thumb and pointed to the door. “Come on, let’s put this craziness to rest so you can get some sleep. You’re a wreck right now.”
Jane helped pull me up and keep me from falling down. “You need some help getting back to your room?” she asked me.
I waved her off. “No, you make sure the girls are safe. The guy with Pinkie and Fluttershy made sure I was taking good care of them.” My side stung again. I clasped it on instinct. “I’ll be fine once we deal with this. Sybil’s probably right, I’m just tired.” I slouched over to the door and trailed behind Sybil.
She stopped at my door and turned to me. “You got your key?”
I reached into my pockets. Somehow, despite all the insanity the day had brought, my fear was now focused on the fact that I might have forgotten my key. Luckily, I’d somehow managed to keep it in my pockets. I guess sleep deprivation makes me better with my keys. I pulled them out and slowly opened the door. I wasn’t sure what to expect.
The room was still the same. Everything looked like a mess. Nothing new for my roommate, but at least my side usually had some order to it. The weekend had seen to it that the room was now just a chaotic mess.
Sybil walked through the room and stood by the bathroom door. “You said it happened in the bathroom, right?”
“Yeah.” My heart started to race again.
Sybil twisted the handle, but kept her head toward me. “I’ve been kept up by two liters of cheap soda and even that hasn’t made me...” She turned her head to look inside. “Jesus! Why is there a fricking guy in here?! John, what the hell?!”
I stumbled over. The man was still sprawled on the floor. The lump on his head was new though. There was something about his shirt that was poking me in the head. I looked down at him and then back at Sybil. “Sybil, you wanna call me crazy again?”
Her eyes looked like they were playing pong, dashing back and forth between me and the man. “Well, what should we do?”
“I...” I slapped myself in the head. Stupid! Why didn’t I think of that before? “Well, there weren’t pink skies this time, but there’s only one explanation for this.”
I nodded my head. “Pony.” My face blanched. “Crap, if he’s new here, he’ll freak out! We can’t have him do that in the dorm rooms.” I brought a hand to my head. “Sybil, do you think it’d be safe to put him in a bed?”
“I don’t know. If he freaks that won’t be good. I’ve got some zip ties for his hands and feet though.”
I rubbed my hand around my head. “That might be best for now. Go get those. I’ll call up Pete to see if he can stay somewhere else tonight.”
“Okay.” Sybil turned to leave the room. “I’ll be right back, just be careful, okay?”
“Well, I think I conked him pretty hard. He’ll probably be out for a bit. We all need sleep though and we’ll get nowhere without it.” Sybil nodded and left the room. I was now alone with the strange man. I looked closer and noticed some of his clothes looked burnt and frayed. “Who are you?”
I saw his lips mouth words, but no sound came out. I bent down to listen. He took a deep intake of breath. “Fwoals Ima gweat an pawful Twixie,” he mumbled.
How many time have my eyes nearly popped out of my head today? Three? Four? I don’t know anymore. Regardless, what the flying hippopotamus?! Why is Trixie here? Why is she a guy!? “What’s going on?”
Sybil busted back into the room, zip ties in tow. “John! What’s going on? I can hear you from the hallway.”
“Sybil, we got trouble.” I pointed down at the unconscious man... um, mare. “That’s Trixie.”
The pinprick pupils, the gaping mouth, the completely deadpan look. Yeah, Sybil must have been a pretty good reflection of how I looked right now. “What?”
“He... she mumbled her name. Plus, look!” I jabbed a finger at the drawing on Trixie’s shirt. “Isn’t that her cutie mark?”
Sybil squinted her eyes and focussed on the shirt. “I don’t know. I mean, I haven’t seen that episode in a while.” She pulled out one of the zip ties. “I do remember her being loud and boisterous though. John, you’d better get the duck tape. It’s safer to keep her quiet until we’re sure she won’t talk. We’d better keep her in my room too. Jane and I will keep watch on her. You’re out of commission until tomorrow.”
I left the bathroom and grabbed some duck tape from one of my drawers. “Got it,” I yelled back to the bathroom. I shuffled back over to the bathroom and handed Sybil the tape. By now, she’d secured the ties around Trixie’s arms and legs.
“Thanks.” Sybil tore off a piece and affixed it to Trixie’s mouth. She grabbed one of Trixie’s arms and draped it over her shoulder. “Okay, I’ll take care of ‘her.’ You get some rest now though. I’ll get you in the morning, okay?”
“Right.” I waited with Sybil by the door to the hall until the coast was clear, then I watched her streak across the hall and disappear into her room. My form slumped. The smell of old food rose from my shirt and jeans. I pulled them off and then I saw my bed. My nice warm bed. I shambled over to it and collapsed. I pulled off my glasses and was out.
Winged Elephants quoting the Nostalgia Critic in iambic pentameter performed a ballet to the tune of Dragonforce. With a final guitar riff, the pudding they were dancing on collapsed.
Wait, wasn’t that only act squigle? Hmm, maybe it’s the tuna.
I got up from my giant tea leaf and went to reorganize the diamond water bottle.
Wait, were the birdfeeders set to six?
I unfolded my rubix cube which said I had three chocolate milks until rainbow batman. Then I had to go in my for my cotton yoyo and grab a candy train to... beep. Yes! I beep! bebe! bebe...
Be! Bebebe! I mechanically reached my hand out and set my alarm to snooze. I gave my head a scratch.
Ugh, that was freaky. Oh crap! Trixie! I rushed to the bathroom and took a quick shower. A few minutes later I was feeling fully revived. “Okay, time to work this out. Maybe that guy sent me stuff as well.
I pulled on a Killers shirt and glanced at my computer. I hadn’t even bothered closing it last night. For a second, I wanted to sit down and check my emails, but then I remembered there was a pony down the hall that probably had no idea where or what she was. That took priority. I grabbed my keys and slipped out into the hall.
As I moved to Sybil’s room, my side ached a little. I lifted my shirt up and saw I had quite the impressive bruise right below my birth mark.
Hmm, that’s right, the Crusaders thought it was a cutie mark. Wonder if cutie marks are like that: a part of your skin rather than different colored hairs. I didn’t have time to ponder the question anymore as I was already at Sybil’s door. I raised my hand to knock, but I stopped. It’d probably be best to get Jane too. We were all in this together and it’d probably make things a lot easier for Trixie if we were all friendly to her at once.
I did a 180 and knocked on Jane’s door. It wasn’t Jane who answered it though, it was a girl with long dark hair and much taller than Jane. It was her roommate. “Oh hey John, what’s up? Did you need notes for Chinese?”
Oh yeah, I was knocked out for most of yesterday. “Could you just email them to me? I’m actually here to talk to Jane about something.” At least I wasn’t lying. “But thanks for doing that Emily.”
Emily turned around to look at a messy bundle of pillows and blankets. I think I saw a glimpse of hair in there. “Um, she’s kind of asleep... lucky.”
“Well, why don’t we wake her up then? I really need her help on something. Just tell her I need to talk to her about the Crusades. She’ll know what I mean.”
“Okay, just give me a sec.” The door closed and I was alone in the hall. I knew from past experiences that few seconds was realistically more like a few minutes. I turned around again and knocked on Sybil’s door.
The Gorgon emerged from the room. Her hair of snakes went in every direction. Her piercing gaze bore into my very soul. For a second, I was stone. “She’s staying in your room from now on,” the monster growled.
Oh god, please don’t hurt me! I didn’t mean to go see Clash of the Titans. It... it totally misinterpreted you! I swear. Please don’t eat me. “G-good morning Sybil. Y-you look well.”
“If I look well, I don’t want to know what bad is for you. Guess we’ve got some explaining to do,” she sighed.
“Yeah, but let’s wait for...” The door behind me creaked open, revealing Jane. Thankfully, her hair hadn’t gone full Medusa on us and she didn’t look like she was about to assault me with a rusty dagger. She looked like she was going to assault me with a clean one. “Perfect timing. Alright, lets do this.” I stepped into the room and took a deep breath. Well at least I wasn’t going to get my ass kicked this time... hopefully.
I looked over at the four ponies sleeping on the two beds. Human or pony, the Crusaders were probably giving every type of diabetes imaginable. Seriously, that had to be the cutest thing in the world and I’m not even a good kid person. Trixie, on the other hand, had probably seen better days. Then again ,she looked like she was right off the set of Pulp Fiction, so I had a feeling even having her cart crushed had been a better day for her. I bent down a reached a hand out to Apple Bloom. Oh, how did mom do this again?
“Apple Bloom.” I shifted my hand around. “Sweetie, Scootaloo.”
“Five more minutes sis.”
“Ten more minutes Rarity.”
“Mugiw dash ara best pony.”
I gave them a more stern shake. “Girls, come on, we’ve got a really important day ahead. We’ve got to acclimate Trixie.”
“Huh?” said Apple Bloom as she blinked sleep out of her eyes.
Scootaloo stretched an arm into the air.“What’s a twiggy?” she asked.
“I thought we were talking about aximate,” Sweetie yawned.
“What’s aximate?” asked Scootaloo.
“Ah think it’s something stallions here use to make their manes all weird.”
“No no no, it doesn’t make their manes weird, it makes them smell funny. Rarity uses stuff like that all the time.”
“Why would anypony want to smell funny? That’s just weird,” said Scootaloo.
“Girls,” I sighed. “Trixie.” I pointed a finger at the figure on the other bed.
“Oh yeah.” Apple Bloom sat up a little and rubbed her eyes. “Ah think sis mentioned something about her and rope...” She kept rubbing one eye while looking at Trixie with the other. “Now Ah see what she was talking about.”
“But Rarity said she had a silver mane.” Sweetie twisted her torso around to get a better look at Trixie. “Or was it green? Then again, Rarity never liked to talk about it.”
“No, it was definitely silver,” said Scootaloo. “Rainbow Dash told me how she and Twilight took down a super scary ursa major and then Trixie ran off with her tail between her legs!” She extended her arms up into the air to emphasize the situation. “It sounded pretty awesome.”
Scootaloo then noticed the stares she was getting from the other two ponies. “What?”
“Sis said only Twilight saved the town.”
“Rarity said the same thing.”
Scootaloo brought her hands down to the covers. “No way, there’s just no way one pony could handle a giant monster like that! I know Twilight is really good at magic, but Dash must have helped!”
“Oh yeah,” Apple Bloom retorted. “Then Ah bet ma sister helped too! Why, Ah bet they used those elemental doo-dads!”
“Rarity never mentioned using them.”
“Quiet Sweetie!” both Scootaloo and Apple Bloom yelled. They didn’t seem to account for the fact that I was right there. Oh well, at least now I was completely awake. I should probably do something about th—
“Ah bet ma sis used her rope to hogtie it!”
“Well, I bet Dash used her Sonic Rainboom to knock it out!”
“Girls!” I cried out to silence them. “Now is not the time. Remember how scared you all were when you first got here? Well, I’m sure Trixie is feeling the same way. So we need to be nice and calm around her, okay?”
The Crusaders looked at each other and then at me. They all bowed their heads. “Okay, we’re sorry,” they said in unison.
“Alright,” I smiled. I turned my attention to Trixie. “Jane, Sybil, I’m gonna wake her up.” Can’t believe our little shouting match didn’t wake her up already. Must be a heavy sleeper. “Just get ready for things to get a little hectic.”
I reached out my hand to wake up the mare. “Trixie? Um, Trixie?” No response. Geez really heavy sleeper. I decided to turn her over to see if that would get her up. “Trixie? Can you he—” Her eyes looked like they were gonna pop out of her head. She leaned forward and slammed her head right into mine. “Ow! Son of a—”
“Mphfaafalf faf! gwarfaf afw pwalf twiflalf dafdf wahla sha ifal!” She yelled under the masking tape. She squirmed and flailed against her restraints.
I put a hand against the spot where she’d nearly cracked my skull. Christ! That mare has a thick he... god that makes too much sense. Wait, wasn’t I supposed to be doing som—
“John!” Jane cried out. “Help us calm her down! Sh—” Jane took a random elbow to the gut and backed away. “She’s got a kick to her,” she said in a raspy voice as she gasped for air.
I pushed through the throbbing in my head and locked my arms on Trixie’s shoulders. I made sure to keep my distance though. “Trixie! Trixie! It’s okay! I know this is all really strange, but we’re not gonna hurt you. So just calm down and we can take the tape and ties off, okay? Then we can explain everything.”
She stopped flailing for a second. Her head still moved around like she was a fish out of water though.
“Um, Ms. Trixie, I know we haven’t met, but you know my sister from Ponyville. Mr. John’s a really nice po, er, person, so can you please calm down?” Sweetie asked.
“Yeah!” Apple Bloom chimed in. “Ah mean, we were all pretty scared too, but it got better.” She craned her neck to look at Trixie’s chest, where her cutie mark had moved to. “At least ya got to keep your mark,” she mumbled. I felt a pang of guilt stab my organs. Might have also been my nearly broken ribs.
Trixie stopped swinging her head around. She did a final sweep of the room and then locked on me. “Okay, now that we’re all nice and calm, why don’t w—” Something wet hit me in the face and smudged up my glasses. “What the...”
“Let me go! I have my rights!” she yelled.
Oh Crap! Oh Crap! Oh Crap! We all jump on her and clamp our hands on her mouth.
“Ow!” Sybil yelps and pulls her hand back. I see a few bite marks on it.
I reach out my other hand and bring it under her jaw to keep her mouth together. “Darn it Trixie! Just be calm, okay!”
“Yeah!” Apple Bloom yelled.
“Listen to Mr. John!” Scootaloo screamed while attempting to help keep Trixie quiet.
“Cutie Mark Crusader Quiet Keepers!” Sweetie said with a determined grin aa she struggled to keep a hold on Trixie.
Trixie stopped struggling and glared at us. She blinked and rolled her eyes.
“Are you gonna be calm?” I asked. She rolled her eyes again. “Okay, everyone, just let go of her slowly.” We untangled our arms and backed away.
Trixie kept glaring at us. She pouted out her lips. “The Powerful and Great Trixie...” She stopped and grinded her teeth together. “Demands to know where he, er... she is?”
“Okay,” I sighed and then drew in my breath. “You’re very far from Ponyville.”
“Yes yes.” She turned her nose up at us and huffed. “But where am I— I mean where is the Strong and Almighty...” She looks up confusedly before continuing. “Trixie?”
“Well, this is a place called Earth,” I explained. I placed a hand on my chest. “I’m John. These are my friends Sybil and Jane.” I turned to look back. Sybil had disappeared into her bathroom while Jane was awkwardly waving her arm.
“Um, hi,” Jane said.
“And these...” I waved an arm over to the Crusaders. “Are other ponies.” Crap! Am I going to fast? I should probably slow down. “You getting all that?”
“What day is it?” Trixie asked. “Also, do you got any Coke?”
Huh, do pony days actually work like Earth days? What about months. I was about to turn around to ask the girls when my head shot back around to Trixie. “How do you know what Coke is?”
Despite the cool temperature the room was kept at, I saw beads of sweat glistening on Trixie’s head in the morning light. “O-of course Equestria has Coke!” Her lips pushed upward into a disturbing grin that reminded me too much of another unicorn.
“What the hay is Coke?” asked Scootaloo.
“Oh!” Sweetie shot a hand up like she was in class and bounced up and down on the bed. “I know! I know! I bet it’s something adult ponies have!”
Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. “What are ya talking about? Neither Sis nor ma brother ever mentioned anything like that.” She scratched her disorganized red hair. “Hmm, then again, Ah think Granny Smith mentioned something about caca.. choco... chocolate leaves! That’s it!” She got right into Trixie’s face. “Do ya want hot chocolate, cause if ya ask, Mr. John or Ms. Jane can probably make ya some!”
Sweetie reached forward and yanked her friend back. “Sorry about that. But seriously Ms. Trixie, what’s Coke?”
I wanted to hear the answer to this too as something was now repeatedly hitting me in the back of my brain about it.
Twixie swiveled her head around and then focused back on me. “T-they don’t know what they’re talking about. They’re obviously lying! Lies! All Lies!”
I pushed my hands back and forth to calm her down. “Okay okay, no need to yell. Just...” Something tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to see Jane squatting by me. “What?”
“Can we just talk for a second?”
“Um, okay. Shoot.”
‘Not here.” She gestured over to the closet. “Don’t want to upset anyone.”
I looked at the girls and Trixie and sighed. “I’ll be right back.” I got up and followed Jane over to the closet. Before I opened the door I looked over at Sybil. Luckily, Trixie’s bite hadn’t broken the skin on her hand. It still looked a little red though. “Sybil, keep an eye on them for a sec.” That said, I pulled the door open and stepped inside with Jane. “Well?”
“I don’t think she’s Trixie.”
“What?” I said flatly. “Why do you think that?”
“She’s being too calm about this.”
“She nearly bit Sybil’s hand off!”
“Yes, but she didn’t even ask where her hooves were, or why she’s...” Jane’s eyes turned down. “You know, a guy?”
“Okay, I admit the Coke thing is a little strange, but then again what do we know about Equestria? The real one, I mean. They could have Coke.”
“Or ‘Trixie’ is lying to us.”
I facepalmed. “She came out of my mirror! Wanna explain that, other than interdimensional travel?”
“That’s not how the Crusaders got here.”
I let out a low grunt. “Fine. How are we gonna prove if this is the real Trixie?”
“Um... let’s ask her why she’s famous.”
“What?” I said numbly. “Everyone knows that. I know that!” I jabbed a finger at her. “You know that!”
“We could at least try.”
“Ugh.” I flipped my glasses onto my forehead and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Fine, fine. Let’s just get this over with.” I opened the door back up.
“Trixie” was twiddling her thumbs in front of her. A loose pair of shades randomly hung from her face. Somehow, she’d gotten back up on the bed. “Um...” I looked over at Sybil, who was still resting on her cabinet. “Sybil, why are Trixie’s hands in front of her now?”
“You know how hard it is to actually pull that off? It was actually kinda cool to watch. Besides, she’s still zip tied.”
“And the shades?” Jane asked.
“I was actually looking for them. Only took a gender-swapped humanized unicorn to find them.”
I facepalmed again.
“What? I can find things,” said Trixie with a shrug.
“Okay.” I ran a hand through my hair and looked down at Trixie. I was careful not to get too close to her hands though. “Trixie, we just need to ask you a few questions, okay?”
“Okay four-eyes, out with it,” she bluntly said.
“Oi, bit hostile. I mean it’s not like we...” I looked down at her zip ties. “Um...”
“You hit me with a shower stand, you psycho.”
“Well look, I was just a little out of it. I...” The Crusaders were giving me a funny look now, too. “I was tired!” I focused back on Trixie. “Look, I’m sorry and I’ll make sure to get you back home, okay?”
Trixie’s attention, however, was on the girls now. “What sort of weirdo hangs out with little kids anyway?”
I sighed again. “They’re not kids, they’re ponies. Just like you were.”
“Pssh whatever,” Trixie said.
Jane raised an eyebrow. “You meet the only three of your kind and that’s your response?” She leaned down closer to Trixie, then narrowed her eyes.“So, ‘Trixie.’ How did you get famous?”
Wow, um, did I miss the part where we say we’re going good cop bad cop on this? I then noticed Trixie sweating profusely again and biting her lower lip.
“Uhh... there was a bear and it was like really big!” Trixie clapped her hands together. “Yeah! There was a giant bear!”
Jane leaned in. I backed away a little. I was getting shivers up my spine. “You’re lying,” she said, inches away from Trixie’s face.
“Trixie” started laughing like a maniac. “You’re right, I’m not,” she- no- he said with smile.
Oh crap. I screwed up. This wasn’t Trixie! It’s just some random crazy dude! He probably slipped into my wi... wait, I’m on the third floor! How the hell did he get i—
“I’m really Steven Magnet! Couldn’t you tell by my fabulous muuuusstache?”
“You don’t have one,” Sybil bluntly said.
He winced. “Okay then, I am Zecora!
“You’re not rhyming,” said Apple Bloom. “Zecora always rhymes, and ya haven’t even said one rhyme yet.”
“Okay then... Uh.. Er... I’m Derpy!”
“How come your eyes are normal, then?” Sybil asked.
“Uh yeah... that’s because I’m Scootaloo! Yay Rainbow Dash!” He said in short breaths.
“Hey!” Scootaloo shot out bed and looked right in the man’s face. “I’m Scootaloo! You got that?”
The man’s eyes widened and then he looked over at all three girls. “I... I mean Ah’m Apple Bloom. Yep, Ah want my cutie mark now!”
“Hey!” Apple Bloom launched herself next to Scootaloo. “That sounds nothing like me!”
He nodded and narrowed his eyes. “W-well of course! Because I’m Sweetie Belle!” Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah,” he squeaked while trying to shift tones.
“Hey!” Sweetie joined her friends. “I don’t sing that badly!” She jabbed out a finger at the man. “Who are you really?”
He started to sweat more. “ I’m... Tom! You know, the boulder!”
“Christ!” I swept my hand through my hair. “He’s not even from Equestria, he’s just a fan! Damn it!” I stood up and looked over at the girls as Pilnkuy’s words blazed in my brain. “He warned me about this!”
“Who?” Jane asked.
“The guy online! He said crazy bronies would come for them if I was stupid!” I clenched my fists tightly. “Darn, we need to get this guy far away from here.” How’d he even find us? I never gave my address away.
“Wait wait wait!” he cried out. He took some deep breaths and looked up at us. “Look, I’m not here for the CMC. I’ve dealt with enough Equestrians as it is.”
“What?” All of us flatly asked.
“Look, isn’t it obvious that I have dealt with some serious pony sh—” He glanced over at the girls. “Er, poop?”
My eyes narrowed. “Who are you and who did you find?”
“Why would I tell you anything when all you’ve done is tie me up, beat me, and belittle me?”
“I’m sorry strange-man-who-snuck-into-my-room, but I made a promise to keep these girls safe, and having a chaotic person like you around ain’t good news.” I turned and looked at Sybil. “Get something ready to blindfold him. We can’t let him know where this is.”
“Er.” He struggled against his restraints. “Look, just give me three things and I’ll explain everything. Little stressed from how things are playing out here.”
“I ain’t giving you crap!” I yelled.
He sighed again. “I’m not sure if you have a choice if you are worried about these girls being found out.”
I stopped dead. “What do you mean?” I asked through clenched teeth.
“Well you need to answer my demands to find out,” he said with a cocky grin.
Screw this! I reached forward and grabbed him by his shirt. “Alright, look, I got three scared kids here and I’m not in the mood for games. You either know something or you don’t. Now talk!”
“Fine, whatever, I’ll tell you who I fou—”
There was a sudden rapping at the door. I took my eyes off of the man to look back. The sound wasn’t coming from the hall door, but rather from the closet. “The hell?”
“Pizza!” Came a voice from inside the closet.
Jane didn’t move, but her eyes traced their way over to me. “John, the closet was empty when we were in there.”
“I know.” What in god’s name is going on?
“John,” Sybil asked. Her eyes darted back and forth between my and the closet. I’d never seen Sybil’s eyes go wide like that. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know.”
“You should probably check on that,” said the strange man. His voice now sounded flat and weary.
“Jane, get in front of the girls.” I let go of the man and took a step forward.
“John, wait, what if it’s dangerous?” Jane asked.
“Why do you think I asked you to get in front of the girls?” I said and reached my hand out for the handle.
“Be careful Mr. John,” Sweetie said as she backed further into the bed. Her friends followed.
“I will be.” I pulled down on the handle and braced myself for whatever was to come.
Smooth Music flooded the room.
Crap I hadn’t been braced for that. Then I realized it wasn’t just the music I hadn’t been prepared for, but the man inside the closet as well. “Jesus!” I jumped back and nearly fell on the bed the Crusaders were on. In front of me was a man in a red pizza driver uniform holding a pizza. A hot dog was atop his head. Maybe I did hit my head. “The fu..”
“Oh come now,” the man interrupted. He was about to take a step forward, but he stopped and glanced down at his pizza. “Why am I... oh nevermind.” He zoned in on me.
Okay, this guy could have given Judge Doom a run for his money in terrifying. I wanted to move, but his eyes... Dear god, the eyes!
He leaned forward. I smelled chocolate milk on his breath. Something was banging in my head about his voice, his eyes, his nature. What is it?!
“Did someone order a pizza?” His voice seemed to curl up and grab my throat. I was having a hard time breathing. My eyes scrambled around, but they kept focusing back on the man, like he was a black hole. He very well might have been. I saw one of his incisors dwarfed the other largely. “W-who are you?” I croaked.
He didn’t immediately answer. Instead, he tapped his right ear with a finger. “Hmm, I need to get this fishy taste out of my mouth... you got any bologna?”
“Who a-are you? I repeated. For a second, a cast a glance back and saw all three girls shivering.
He rolled his eyes. They looked like they could fall out of his head and keep spinning. “Why, Discord of course!” A huge grin stretched across his face, revealing his yellow teeth.
“Oh crap,” all four humans cried out.